
Class B v . U5-: 



Book 






tLL 



MANNERS 
& SOCIAL 
USAGES 



By Mrs. JOHN 
SHERWOOD 

ILLUSTRATED 




REVISED EDI- 
TION OF 1903 

HARPER £r BROTHERS 
NEW YORK AND LONDON 






-7 9 i 70 




Copyright, 18S4, 1887, 1897, by Harpek & Brothers. 



All rights reserved. 



44 Manners are the shadows of great virtues" 

— Whateley 

11 Solid Fashion is funded politeness" 

— Emerson 



CONTENT& 



CHAPTER PAGE 

I. Women as Leaders l 

II. Optional Civilities 17 

III. Good and Bad Society 24 

IV. On Introducing People 32 

V. Visiting 46 

VI. Invitations, Acceptances, and Regrets . . 54 
VII. Cards of Compliment, Courtesy, Condolence, 

and Congratulation 62 

VIII. The Etiquette of Weddings 70 

IX. "Who Pays for the Cards?" 82 

X. Weddings after Easter 90 

XI. Summer Weddings 98 

XII. Autumn Weddings 105 

XIII. Before the Wedding and After 112 

XIV. Gold, Silver, and Tin Weddings 121 

XV. The Etiquette of Balls 129 

XVI. Letters and Letter- Writing 135 

XVII. Costly thy Habit 143 

XVIII. Dressing for Driving 150 



VI CONTENTS. 

CHAPTER PAGE 

XIX. The Etiquette of Golf 157 

XX. Etiquette of Mourning 167 

XXI. Mourning and Funeral Usages . . . *. 179 
XXII. Letters of Condolence 186 

XXIII. Chaperons and Their Duties 193 

XXIV. Etiquette for Elderly Girls 202 

XXV. Matinees and Soirees 209 

XXVI. Afternoon Tea 217 

XXVII. Caudle and Christening Cups and Cere- 
monies 226 

XXVIII. The Modern Dinner- Table 232 

XXIX. Laying the Dinner-Table 240 

XXX. Favors and Bonbonnieres 248 

XXXI. Dinner-Table Novelties in 1900 .... 256 
XXXII. Summer Dinners 263 

XXXIII. Luncheons, Informal and Social . . . 271 

XXXIV. Supper Parties 278 

XXXV. Simple Dinners 285 

XXXVI. The Small Talk of Society 291 

XXXVII. Garden Parties 299 

XXXVIII. Silver Weddings and other Wedding 

Anniversaries 306 

XXXIX. Spring and Summer Entertainments . . 314 
XL. Floral Tributes and Decorations ... 323 

XLI. The Fork and the Spoon 330 

XLII. Napkins and Table-Cloths 335 

XLIII. Servants, their Dress and Duties ... 342 

XLIV. The House with One Servant 351 

XLV. The House with Two Servants .... 357 
XL VI. The House with Many Servants .... 365 



CONTENTS. VU 

CHAPTER ' PAGB 

XL VII. Manners : A Study for the Awkward and 

the Shy 372 

XL VIII. How to Treat a Guest . . 379 

XLIX. Lady and Gentleman 386 

L. The Manners op the Past 395 

LI. The Manners op the Optimist 405 

LII. The Manners op the Sympathetic .... 412 

LIII. Certain Questions Answered 421 

LIV. English Table Manners and Social Usages. 429 
LV. American and English Etiquette Con- 
trasted 437 

LVI. How to Treat English People 445 

LVII. A Foreign Table d'H6te, and Casino Ldte 

Abroad . . . . < 452 

LVIH. House-Parties 460 



ILLUSTRATIONS. 



THE DINNER-TABLE Fronihpite* 

COUNTRY AND SEA-SHORE VISITING Facing /• 50 

THE OUT-DOOR WOMAN " 160 

AN AFTERNOON RECEPTION AND "TEA" . . . M 222 

FOR A SPECIAL LUNCHEON ♦ " 274 

FOR A CHAFING-DISH SUPPER " 278 

WAITRESS, CHAMBERMAID, LADY'S MAID, PARLOR 

MAID " 342 

WORKING APRON, COOK, NURSE, LAUNDRESS. . " 348 



PREFACE. 



There is no country where there are so many 
people asking what is " proper to do," or, indeed, 
where there are so many genuinely anxious to do 
the proper thing, as in the vast conglomerate which 
we call the United States of America. The new- 
ness of our country is perpetually renewed by the 
sudden making of fortunes, and by the absence of 
a hereditary, reigning set. There is no aristocracy 
here which has the right and title to set the fash- 
ions. 

But a "reigning set," whether it depend upon 
hereditary right or adventitious wealth, if it be pos- 
sessed of a desire to lead and a disposition to hospi- 
tality, becomes for a period the dictator of fashion 
to a large number of lookers-on. The travelling 
world, living far from great centres, goes to New- 
port, Saratoga, New York, Washington, Philadelphia, 
Boston, and gazes on what is called the latest Amer- 
ican fashion. This, though exploited by what we 
may call for the sake of distinction the " newer set," 
is influenced and shaped in some degree by people 
of native refinement and taste, and that wide ex- 



iv PREFACE. 

perience which is gained by travel and association 
with broad and cultivated minds. They counteract 
the tendency to vulgarity, which is the great danger 
of a newly launched society, so that our social con- 
dition improves, rather than retrogrades, with every 
decade. 

There may be many social purists who will dis- 
agree with us in this statement. Men and women 
educated in the creeds of the Old World, with the 
good blood of a long ancestry of quiet ladies and 
gentlemen, find modern American society, particu- 
larly in New York and at Newport, fast, furious, 
and vulgar. There are, of course, excesses com 
mitted everywhere in the name of fashion ; but we 
cannot see that they are peculiar to America. We 
can only answer that the creed of fashion is one of 
perpetual change. There is a Council of Trent, we 
may say, every five years, perhaps even every two 
years, in our new and changeful country, and we 
learn that, follow as we may either the grand old 
etiquette of England or the more gay and shifting 
social code of France, we still must make an original 
etiquette of our own. Our political system alone, 
where the lowest may rise to the highest preferment, 
upsets in a measure all that the Old World insists 
upon in matters of precedence and formality. Cer- 
tain immutable principles remain common to all 
elegant people who assume to gather society about 
them, and who wish to enter its portals ; the absent- 
minded scholar from his library should not ignore 



PREFACE. 



them, the fresh young farmer from the country- 
side feels and recognizes their importance. If we 
are to live together in unity we must make society 
a pleasant thing, we must obey certain formal rules, 
and these rules must conform to the fashion of the 
period. 

And it is in no way derogatory to a new country 
like our own if on some minor points of etiquette 
we presume to differ from the older world. We 
must fit our garments to the climate, our manners 
to our fortunes and to our daily lives. There are, 
however, faults and inelegancies of which foreigners 
accuse us which we may do well to consider. One 
of these is the greater freedom allowed in the 
manners of our young women — a freedom which, 
as our New World fills up with people of foreign 
birth, cannot but lead to social disturbances. Other 
national faults, which English writers and critics 
kindly point out, are our bumptiousness, our spread- 
eagleism, and our too great familiarity and lack of 
dignity, etc. 

Instead of growing angry over these criticisms, 
perhaps we might as well look into the matter dis- 
passionately, and see if we cannot turn the advice in 
some degree to our advantage. We can, however, 
decide for ourselves on certain points of etiquette 
which we borrow from nobody ; they are a part of 
our great nation, of our republican institutions, and 
of that continental hospitality which gives a home 
to the Russ, the German, the Frenchman, the Irish- 



Vi PREFACE. 

man, and the " heathen Chinee." A somewhat wide 
and elastic code, as boundless as the prairies, can 
alone meet the needs of these different citizens. 
The old traditions of stately manners, so common 
to the Washington and Jefferson days, have almost 
died out here, as similar manners have died out all 
over the world. The war of 1861 swept away what 
little was left of that once important American fact 
— a grandfather. We began all over again ; and 
now there comes up from this newer world a flood 
of questions : How shall we manage all this ? How 
shall we use a fork ( When wear a dress-coat ? How 
and when and on whom shall we leave our cards? 
How long and for whom shall we wear mourning? 
What is the etiquette of a wedding? How shall 
we give a dinner-party? The young house-keeper 
of Kansas writes as to the manners she shall teach to 
her children ; the miner's wife, having become rich, 
asks how she shall arrange her house, call on her 
neighbors, write her letters? Many an anxious girl 
writes as to the propriety of "driving out with a 
gentleman," etc. In fact, there is one great univer- 
sal question, What is the etiquette of good society ? 
Not a few people have tried to answer these 
questions, and have broken down in the attempt. 
Many have made valuable manuals, as far as they 
went ; but writers on etiquette commonly fail, for 
one or two different reasons. Many attempt ta 
write who know nothing of good society by ex- 
perience, and their books are full of ludicrous errors 



PREFACE. vil 

Others have had the disadvantage of knowing too 
much, of ignoring the beginning of things, of sup- 
posing that the person who reads will take much 
for granted. For a person who has an intuitive 
knowledge of etiquette, who has been brought up 
from his mother's knee in the best society, has al- 
ways known what to do, how to dress, to whom to 
bow, to write in the simplest way about etiquertte 
would be impossible; he would never know how 
little the reader, to whose edification he was ad- 
dressing himself, knew of the matter. 

If, however, an anxious inquirer should write and 
ask if " mashed potato must be eaten with a knife 
or a fork," or if "napkins and finger-bowls can be 
used at breakfast," those questions he can answer. 

It is with an effort to answer thousands of these 
questions, written in good faith to Harpers Bazar^ 
that this book is undertaken. The simplicity, the 
directness, and the evident desire "to improve," 
which characterize these anonymous letters, are all 
much to be commended. Many people have found 
themselves suddenly conquerors of material wealth, 
the most successful colonists in the world, the heirs 
of a great inheritance, the builders of a new empire. 
There is a true refinement manifested in their ques- 
tions. Not only do men and women like to behave 
properly themselves, but all desire to know what is 
She best school of manners, that they may educate 
their children therein. Such minds are the best 
conservators of law and order. It is not a commu 



viii PREFACE. 

nistic spirit that asks, " How can I do this thing in a 
better way ?" it is that wise and liberal conservatism 
which includes reverence for law, respect for age, 
belief in religion, and a desire for a refined society. 
A book on etiquette, however patiently considered 
and honestly written, must have many shortcomings, 
and contain disputed testimony. All we can do is 
endeavor to mention those fashions and customs 
which we believe to be the best, remembering always, 
as we have said, that the great law of change goes on 
forever — that our stately grandfathers had fashions 
which we should now consider gross and unbecom- 
ing, while we have customs, particularly of speech, 
which would have shocked them. This law of 
change is not only one which time modifies, but 
with us the South, the North, the East, and the West 
differ as to certain points of etiquette. All, how- 
ever, agree in saying that there is a good society in 
America whose mandates are supreme. All feel 
that the well-bred man or woman is a " recognized 
institution." Everybody laughed at the mistakes of 
Daisy Miller, and saw wherein she and her mother 
were wrong. Independent American girls may still 
choose to travel without a chaperon, but they must 
be prepared to fight a well-founded prejudice if they 
do. There is a recognition of the necessity of good 
manners, and a profound conviction, let us hope, 
that a graceful manner is the outcropping of a well- 
regulated mind and of a good heart. 



A PREFACE TO THE NEW EDITION 
OF 1900 



There is not much that is new to say about 
etiquette. 

Etiquette is as old as the hills, and probably the 
salon of 1800 was a more courtly and formal place 
than that of 1900 can ever be, certainly than it is 
to-day. The gentleman then stood, with chapeau 
bras in hand, with powdered hair, before the elegant 
dame in brocade, satin, and powder; she with a deli- 
cate soupgon of rouge, and he, perhaps, if he were a 
dandy, had given to his cheek a touch of the hare's- 
foot. 

Manners of those days were stately, formal, and 
quite forced and unnatural. The speech followed 
the bow, and was a studied performance. How little 
did the "sir and madame" then look forward to the 
laissez-allee free-and-easy manners of the year 1900, ' 
when the common salutation of "How are you?" 
has followed the greeting which General Washington 
was in the habit of giving to all the members of his 
family every day ! 



X PREFACE. 

But if, as has been well said, we 

"Preserve the name of Washington 
To make men blush there was but one" 

we can congratulate ourselves that, in the year 
1900, we all live with greater comfort and with 
an every-day elegance to which the Father of his 
Country could not aspire in material things. 

Thanks to our Edison, who has put out even 
Aladdin's Lamp, we do not have to go to bed by 
the feeble twinkle of a tallow dip, nor do we light 
our fires by the spark from a flint-lock. 

We enjoy in a million humble homes the dainty 
breakfast, the comfortable luncheon, the stately 
dinner, for glass, china, and silver belongings of the 
table are cheap and tasteful; the basket of grow- 
ing ferns is inexpensive and delightful, and the 
young matron has a thousand domestic arts by 
which she embellishes her home. Every day may 
be a feast-day to the tired toiler — her husband — if 
she chooses to make it so, and Harper's Bazar will 
carry the latest fashion to the backwoods, if there 
is any longer such a place. Indeed, Bret Harte said, 
twenty years ago, that the fashions travelled by tele- 
graph, so that if one wanted an old-time coat in 
which to play the "American Traveller,'' he must 
have it made — it even no longer hangs in the 
garret, does grandfather's coat. 

Indeed, we must invent a new necromancer and 
write a new " Arabian Nights," for the old similes are 



PREFACE. XI 

so far behind the reality that we feel very "rococo" 
when we use them. How long is it since the steam 
was all gathered up and put back in the casket ? 

It has long been the slave of the " Big Four," and 
it rolls the perpetual procession of pilgrims to Cali- 
fornia seventeen times a day. 

But if we live in a fast and a prosperous age, what 
are our temptations ? 

An overdose of luxury is quite as repellent as too 
little. 

Too many flowers on the dinner-table, too many 
courses, too much dress, and, above all, dress and 
jewels in the wrong place, are inexcusable ; we must 
learn to be moderate. 

'"Tis but the fool who loves excess.'' 

The handling of untold gold requires a great deal 
of common-sense. By which we mean that most 
uncommon sense that comes of a balance of all the 
faculties, that which General Washington had. We 
must return to one immortal figure, who stands 
complacently for us to admire and follow after at a 
respectful distance. 

And the first tribute which inexperience pays to 
a great model is to copy him. It will not hurt the 
average American to mingle a little reserve, a great 
deal of dignity, and considerable elegance with his 
salutation. 

American men are naturally chivalrous towards 



Xll PREFACE. 

women. The mother does not require to tell her 
boy to take off his hat to the lady. It has been 
off, from the ragged cap to the serenely brushed 
beaver, ever since he was five years old, and it will 
stay off until he is a hundred — this fine creature, 
the American man, always has his hat off to women. 
But are the manners of the American woman as 
good? Is not she rather a spoiled darling, who 
sometimes tosses her head? 

It is to her that we appeal. As the custodian of 
the great American future, we beg of her to study eti- 
quette and to teach good manners to her children. 
Whenever she sees anywhere a fad of bad manners 
— and fashion is full of them — let her set herself 
against it. It is her business to train that precious 
little boy now playing on the front steps to become 
that noblest thing on earth, an American gentleman. 

Above all things, let her study to become an 
agreeable hostess. 

She wields the only rod of empire to which an 
American will bow ; she is the founder of our only 
aristocracy. Let her be careful whom she invites to 
her house ; but when her guests are there, let her 
remember that she is bound to treat them well. Let 
her find the good, true, honorable, generous, and 
well-bred — rich or poor, no matter in what state of 
society they may be — and then invite together those 
who are congenial. 

She must master etiquette, and create for herself 
a cordial manner. 



PBBFACE. Xlll 

There are born hostesses as there are born poets, 
but the former have the advantage of the poets, for 
they can be made, and to the very wealthy hostess 
we give the advice of Horace, that Roman who knew 
how to live : 

"Si tibi deficiant niedici, medici tibi fiant, 
Haec tria meus hilaris, requies, inoderata diaeta." 

As all the American women now read Latin (for 
the new woman has arrived on this brilliant morn- 
ing of the nineteenth — or is it the twentieth cen- 
tury?), we do not apologize for using the classic 
language. 

Do not overfeed people, nor cumber yourself with 
much serving. 

The extremes of ostentation and pretentiousness 
ruin a good dinner. The menu is, among the best- 
bred people, now reduced to its lowest terms. 

A chef, at ten thousand a year, with the powers of 
life and death — and the key of the wine-cellar, a for- 
tress of which he alone knows the weakest spot — has 
been a tyrant greater than Nero to many an inex- 
perienced millionaire. 

And, as in perfect dress and in perfect beauty, 
simplicity is the greatest charm, so, in entertaining, 
simplicity is the very consummate achievement of 
the best. The little dinner is like Gray's " Elegy" 
— it can only be composed after great study The 
hostess must learn art to conceal art. Fortunately, 
women have a gift that way. 



XIV PREFACE. 



Fortunate the woman who has her life only just 
begun. 

She finds the world all ready at her hand. 1900 
stands cap in hand, saying, " Tour servant, madam !" 

He does not even say to her as he does to the 
Madeira, " What is thine age V J but he brings her 
strawberries and peaches in January, and sweet peas 
in February. But he will tell her if he is frank, 
this adoring lover, " that all things by their season 
seasoned are," and that she had better wait for her 
next dish of strawberries until June. 

And that one word "servant"! Aye, there's the 
rub ! The labor strikes, the unending conflict — that 
is to be the problem for this otherwise enviable 
woman. She has got to study and to learn how to 
combat and conquer this problem, greatest in any 
century since Louis XVI. and Marie Antoinette 
went down under it. For what was the French 
Revolution but an immense strike ? 

To the young hostess we can but utter the old 
formula — never attempt anything which cannot be 
well done. A cup of tea is always possible, and it is 
sometimes the very quintessence of hospitality; and 
good toast is a delicacy which even France, with her 
five hundred years of gourmandise, cannot bring 
about ; but what American woman but can make it 
with her own fair hands ? 

The hostess who knows how to mingle her guests 
is a power in the state. Our great American con- 
glomerate repudiates all ideas of hereditary distinc- 



PREFACE. XV 

tion. We must trust to luck and to the instinct of 
the American woman as to who shall take who into 
dinner. 

There is an intimate nerve of self-love, an ego- 
tism, a false idea of independence, which sometimes 
afflicts unnecessarily the young American woman, 
which causes her a great deal of unnecessary misery. 

This nerve makes her susceptible to the fear that 
she is being snubbed. This is very unnecessary, be- 
cause what if she is % The snubber is the person to 
be pitied, for it is she, and she alone, who has been 
vulgar. 

There is a very great need of composure and of 
repose in the American manner. 

Yet how can people be quiet who are breathing 
so much oxygen all the time ? Perhaps the reading 
of a few stupid books on etiquette may in this way 
be good sedatives, and may help to bring about that 
repose and polished equilibrium of good - breeding 
which Lord Chesterfield recommended and which a 
few splendid examples of the true gentleman and 
lady have practised in every age of the world. 

M. E. W. S. 



MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES. 



CHAPTER I. 

WOMEN AS LEADERS. 



Nothing strikes the foreigner so much (since the 
days of De Tocqueville, the first to mention it) as the 
prominent position of woman in the best society of 
America. She has almost no position in the political 
world. She is not a leader, an intrigante in politics, 
as she is in France. We have no Madame de Stael, 
no Princess Belgioso, here to make and unmake our 
Presidents ; but women do all the social work, which 
in Europe is done not only by women, but by young 
bachelors and old ones, statesmen, princes, ambassa- 
dors, and attaches. Officials are connected with every 
Court whose business it is to visit, write and answer 
invitations, leave cards, call, and perform all the 
multifarious duties of the social world. 

In America, the lady of the house does all this. 
Her men are all in business or in pleasure, her sons 
are at work or off yachting. They cannot spend time 
to make their dinner calls — "Mamma, please leave 
my cards " is the legend written on their banners. 

Thus to women, as the conductors of social poli- 



2 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES. 

tics, is committed the card — that pasteboard protocol, 
whose laws are well defined in every land but our 
own. 

Now, in ten different books on etiquette which we 
have consulted we find ten different opinions upon the 
subject of first calls, as between two women. We can- 
not, therefore, presume to decide where so many doc- 
tors disagree, but give the commonly received opin- 
ions as expressed by the customs of New York society. 

When should a lady call first upon a new and a 
desirable acquaintance? Not hastily. She should 
have met the new and desirable acquaintance, should 
have been properly introduced, should feel sure that 
her acquaintance is desired. The oldest resident, the 
one most prominent in fashion, should call first ; but, 
if there is no such distinction, two women need not 
forever stand at bay each waiting for the other to 
call. A very admirable and polite expedient has 
been substituted for a first call — in the sending out 
of cards, for several days in the month, by a lady 
who wishes to begin her social life, we will say, in 
a new city. These may or may not be accompanied 
by the card of some well-known friend. If these 
cards bring the desired visits or the cards of the 
desired guests, the beginner may feel that she has 
started on her society career with no loss of self- 
respect. Those who do not respond are generally 
in a minority. Too much haste in making new ac- 
quaintances, however — " pushing," as it is called — 
cannot be too much deprecated. 

First calls should be returned within a week. If a 
lady is invited to any entertainment by a new ac« 



FIRST CALLS. 3 

quaintance, whether the invitation come through a 
friend or not, she should immediately leave cards, and 
send either a regret or an acceptance. To lose time in 
this matter is a great rudeness. Whether she attend 
the entertainment or not, she should call after it within a 
week. Then, having done all that is polite, and having 
shown herself a woman of good-breeding, she can keep 
up the acquaintance or not as she pleases. Sometimes 
there are reasons why a lady does not wish to keep up 
the acquaintance, but she must not, for her own sake, 
be oblivious to the politeness extended. Some very 
rude people in New York have sent back invitations, 
or failed to recognize the first attempt at civility, 
saying, "We don't know the people." This is not 
the way to discourage unpleasant familiarity. In New 
York, Boston, and Philadelphia, and in the large cities 
of the West, and generally in the country towns, res- 
idents call first upon new-comers ; but in Washington 
this custom is reversed, and the new-comer calls first 
upon the resident. Every one — officials of the high- 
est down to the lowest grade — returns these cards. 
The visitor generally finds himself invited to the re- 
ceptions of the President and his Cabinet, etc. This 
arrangement is so convenient that it is a thousand 
pities it does not go into operation all over the coun- 
try, particularly in those large cities where the resi- 
dent cannot know if her dearest friend be in town 
unless informed in some such way of the fact. 

This does not, as might be supposed, expose society 
to the intrusion of unwelcome visitors. Tact, which 
is the only guide through the mazes of society, will 
enable a woman to avoid anything like an unwelcome 



4 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES. 

intimacy or a doubtful acquaintance, even if such a 
person should " call first." 

Now the question comes up, and here doctors dis- 
agree : When may a lady call by proxy, or when may 
she send her card, or when must she call in person ? 

After a dinner-party a guest must call in person and 
inquire if the hostess is at home. For other enter- 
tainments it is allowed, in New York, that the lady 
call by proxy, or that she simply send her card. In 
sending to inquire for a person's health, cards may be 
sent by a servant, with a kindly message. 

No first visit should, however, be returned by card 
only; this would be considered a slight, unless fol- 
lowed by an invitation. The size of New York, the 
great distances, the busy life of a woman of char- 
ities, large family, and immense circle of acquaint- 
ances may render a personal visit almost impossible. 
She may be considered to have done her duty if she 
in her turn asks her new acquaintance to call on her 
on a specified day, if she is not herself able to call. 

Bachelors should leave cards on the master and 
mistress of the house, and, in America, upon the 
young ladies. A gentleman does not turn down 
the corners of his card — indeed, that fashion has 
become almost obsolete, except, perhaps, where a 
lady wishes it distinctly understood that she has 
called in person. The plainer the card the better. 
A small, thin card for a gentleman, not glazed, with 
his name in small script and his address well engraved 
in the corner, is in good taste. A lady's card should 
be larger, but not glazed or ornamented in any way. 
It is a rule with sticklers for good-breeding that after 



FOREIGN ETIQUETTE. 5 

any entertainment a gentleman should leave his card 
in person, although, as we have said, he often commits 
it to some feminine agency. 

No gentleman should call on a lady unless she asks 
him to do so, or unless he brings a letter of introduc- 
tion, or unless he is taken by a lady who is sufficiently 
intimate to invite him to call. A lady should say to 
a gentleman, if she wishes him to call, "I hope that 
we shall see you," or, " I am at home on Monday," or 
something of that sort. If he receives an invitation 
to dinner or to a ball from a stranger, he is bound to 
send an immediate answer, call the very next day, leave 
his card, and then to call after the entertainment. 

This, at least, is foreign etiquette, and we cannot do 
better than import it. This rule holds good for the 
entertainments of bachelors, who should leave their 
cards on each other after an entertainment, unless the 
intimacy is so great that no card-leaving is expected. 

When a lady returns to town, after an absence in 
Europe or in the country, it is strict etiquette that she 
should leave cards on all her acquaintances and friends 
if she expects to entertain or to lead a gay, social win- 
ter ; but as distances in our great cities are formidable, 
as all ladies do not keep a carriage, as most ladies 
have a great deal else to do besides making visits, this 
long and troublesome process is sometimes simplified 
by giving a tea or a series of teas, which enables the 
lady, by staying at home on one evening of a week, 
or two or three afternoons of a month, to send out 
her cards to that effect, and to thus show her friends 
that she at least remembers them. As society and 
card-leaving thus become rapidly complicated, a lady 



6 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES. 

should have a visiting -book, into which her list is 
carefully copied, with spaces for days and future 
engagements. 

A servant must be taught to receive the cards at 
the door, remember messages, and recollect for whom 
they are left, as it is not proper in calling upon Mrs. 
Brown at a private house to write her name on your 
card. At a crowded hotel this may be allowed, but 
it is not etiquette in visiting at private houses. In 
returning visits, observe the exact etiquette of the 
person who has left the first card. A call must not 
be returned with a card only, or a card by a call. If 
a person send you a card by post, return a card by 
post ; if a personal visit is made, return it by a per- 
sonal visit; if your acquaintance leave cards only, 
without inquiring if you are at home, return the 
same courtesy. If she has left the cards of the 
gentlemen of her family, return those of the gen- 
tlemen of your family. 

A young lady's card should almost always be ac- 
companied by that of her mother or her chaperon. 
It is well, on her entrance into society, that the name 
of the young lady be engraved on her mother's card. 
After she has been out a year, she may leave her own 
card only. Here American etiquette begins to differ 
from English etiquette. In London, on the other 
hand, no young lady leaves her card : if she is moth- 
erless, her name is engraved beneath the name of her 
father, and the card of her chaperon is left with both 
until she becomes a maiden lady of somewhat mature 
if uncertain age. 

It is rare now to see the names of both husband 



VISITING- CAEDS. 7 

and wife engraved on one card, as " Mr. and Mrs. 
Brown." The lady has also her own card, " Mrs. Oc- 
tavius Brown," or with the addition, " The Misses 
Brown." Her husband has his separate card; each 
of the sons has his own card. No titles are used on 
visiting-cards in America, save military, naval, of 
judicial ones; and, indeed, many of our most dis- 
tinguished judges have had cards printed simply 
with the name, without prefix or affix. " Mr. Web- 
ster," "Mr. Winthrop," "Henry Clay" are well- 
known instances of simplicity. But a woman must 
always use the prefix "Mrs." or "Miss." A gentle- 
man may or may not use the prefix "Mr.," as he 
pleases, but women must treat themselves with more 
respect. No card is less proper than one which is 
boldly engraved " Gertrude F. Brown ;" it should be 
"Miss Gertrude F. Brown." 

A married lady always bears her husband's name, 
during his life, on her card. Some discussion is now 
going on as to whether she should continue to call 
herself "Mrs. Octavius Brown" or "Mrs. Mary 
Brown" after his death. The burden of opinion is 
in favor of the latter — particularly as a son may 
bear his father's name, so there will be two Mrs. 
Octavius Browns. No lady wishes to be known as 
" old Mrs. Octavius Brown," and as we do not use the 
convenient title of Dowager, we may as well take* 
the alternative of the Christian name. We cannot 
say "Mrs. Octavius Brown, Jr., if the husband has 
ceased to be a junior. Many married ladies hesitate 
to discard the name by which they have always 
been known. Perhaps the simple "Mrs. Brown" is 



8 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES. 

the best, after all. No lady should leave cards upon 
an unmarried gentleman, except in the case of his 
having given entertainments at which ladies were 
present. Then the lady of the house should drive to 
his door with the cards of herself and family, allow- 
ing the footman to leave them. 

The young ladies' names, in such a case as this, 
should be engraven on their mother's card. 

" We have no leisure class," as Henry James says 
in his brilliant " International Episode ;" but still 
young men should try to make time to call on those 
who entertain them, showing by some sort of person- 
al attention their gratitude for the politeness shown 
them. American young men are, as a rule, very re- 
miss about this matter of calling on the hostess whose 
hospitality they accept. 

A gentleman should not call on a young lady with- 
out asking for her mother or her chaperon. Nor 
should he leave cards for her alone, but always leave 
one for her mother. 

Ladies can, and often do, write informal invitations 
on the visiting-card. To teas, readings, and small 
parties, may be added the day of reception. It is 
convenient and proper to send these cards by post. 
Everything can be sent by post now, except an in- 
vitation to dinner, and that must always be sent by 
private hand, and an answer must be immediately 
returned in the same formal manner. 

After balls, amateur concerts, theatrical parties, 
garden-parties, or " at homes," cards should be left 
by all invited guests within a week after the invi- 
tation, particularly if the invited guest has been 



"WHEN INVITED TO A TEA." 9 

obliged to decline. These cards may be left without 
inquiring for the hostess, if time presses; but it is 
more polite to inquire for the hostess, even if it is 
not her day. If it is her reception day, it would be 
rude not to inquire, enter, and pay a personal visit. 
After a dinner, one must inquire for the hostess tod 
pay a personal visit. It is necessary to mention this 
fact, because so many ladies have got into the habit 
(having large acquaintances) of leaving or sending 
cards in by a footman, without inquiring for the host- 
ess (who is generally not at home), that there has 
grown up a confusion, which leads to offence being 
taken where none is meant. 

It is not considered necessary to leave cards after 
a tea. A lady leaves her cards as she enters the 
hall, pays her visit, and the etiquette of a visiting 
acquaintance is thus established for a year. She 
should, however, give a tea herself, asking all her 
entertainers, or she should call herself. 

If a lady has been invited to a tea or other enter 
tainment through a friend without having known 
her hostess, she is bound to call soon ; but if the in- 
vitation is not followed up by a return card or an- 
other invitation, she must understand that the ac- 
quaintance is at an end. She may, however, invite 
her new friend, within a reasonable time, to some 
entertainment at her own house, and if that is ac* 
cepted, the acquaintance goes on. It is soon ascer- 
tained by a young woman who begins life in a new 
city whether her new friends intend to be friendly 
or the reverse. A resident of a town or village can 
call, with propriety, on any new - comer. The new 



10 MANNEES AND SOCIAL USAGES. 

comer must return this call; but, if she does not 
desire a further acquaintance, this can be the end of 
it. The time of calling must in every town be set- 
tled by the habits of the place; after two o'clock and 
before six is, however, generally safe. 

In England they have a pleasant fashion of calling 
to inquire for invalids or afflicted friends, and of 
pencilling the words "kind inquiries." It has not ob- 
tained that popularity in America which it deserves, 
and it would be well to introduce it. If a lady call on 
a person who is a stranger to her, and if she has diffi- 
culty in impressing her name on the servant, she sends 
up her card, while she waits to see if the lady will re- 
ceive her. But she must never on any occasion hand 
her own card to her hostess. If she enters the parlor 
and finds her hostess there, she must introduce her- 
self by pronouncing her own name distinctly. If she 
is acquainted with the lady, she simply gives her name 
to the servant, and does not send up her card. 

Wedding-cards have great prominence in America, 
but we ignore those elaborate funeral - cards and 
christening - cards, and printed cards with announce- 
ments of engagements, and many other cards fash- 
ionable abroad. The cards to the wedding are sent 
to a few, it may be, or to all, as the family desire. 
After the marriage, the cards of the married pair, 
with their address, are sent to all whose acquaintance 
is desired. 

Husbands and wives rarely call together in America, 
although there is no law against their doing so. It 
is unusual, because, as we have said, we have no 
"leisure class." Gentlemen are privileged to call on 



"NOT AT HOME. 11 

Sunday, after church, and on Sunday evenings. A 
mother and daughter should call together, or, if the 
mother is an invalid, the daughter can call, leaving 
her mother's card. 

" Not at home " is a proper formula, if ladies are 
not receiving; nor does it involve a falsehood. It 
merely means that the lady is not at home to com- 
pany. The servant should also add, "Mrs. Brown 
receives on Tuesdays," if the lady has a day. Were 
not ladies able to deny themselves to callers there 
would be no time in crowded cities for any sort of 
work, or repose, or leisure for self -improvement. For, 
with the many idle people who seek to rid themselves 
of the pain and penalty of their own vapid society 
by calling and making somebody else entertain them, 
with the wandering book-agents and beggars, or with 
even the overflow of society, a lady would find her 
existence muddled away by the poorest and most ab- 
ject of occupations — that of receiving a number of in- 
considerate, and perhaps impertinent, wasters of time. 

It is well for all house-keepers to devote one day in 
the week to the reception of visitors — the morning 
to tradespeople and those who may wish to see her 
on business, and the afternoon to those who call so- 
cially. It saves her time and simplifies matters. 

Nothing is more vulgar than that a caller should 
ask the servant where his mistress is, when she went 
out, when she will be in, how soon she will be down, 
etc. All that a well-bred servant should say to such 
questions is, "I do not know, madam." 

A mistress should inform her servant after break- 
fast what he is to say to all comers. It is very offen- 



12 . MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES. 

sive to a visitor to be let in, and then be told that she 
cannot see the lady of the house. She feels person- 
ally insulted, and as if, had she been some other per- 
son, the lady of the house would perhaps have seen her. 

If a servant, evidently ignorant and uncertain of 
his mistress and her wishes, says, "I will see if Mrs. 
Brown will see you," and ushers you into the par- 
lor, it is only proper to go in and wait. But it is 
always well to say, "If Mrs. Brown is going out, 
is dressing, or is otherwise engaged, ask her not to 
trouble herself to come down." Mrs. Brown will 
be very much obliged to you. In calling on a friend 
who is staying with people with whom you are not 
acquainted, always leave a card for the lady of the 
house. The lack of this attention is severely felt 
by new people who may entertain a fashionable 
woman as their guest — one who receives many calls 
from those who do not know her hostess. It is nev- 
er proper to call on a guest without asking for the 
hostess. 

Again, if the hostess be a very fashionable woman, 
and the visitor decidedly not so, it is equally vulgar 
to make one's friend who may be a guest in the house 
a sort of entering wedge for an acquaintance ; a card 
should be left, but unaccompanied by any request to 
see the lady of the house. This every lady will at 
once understand. A lady who has a guest staying 
with her who receives many calls should always try 
to place a parlor at her disposal where she can see 
her friends alone, unless she be a very young per* 
son, to whom the chaperonage of the hostage is in- 
dispensable. 



EUROPEAN CUSTOMS. 13 

If the lady of the house is in the drawing-room 
when the visitor arrives to call on her guest, she is, 
of course, introduced and says a few words ; and if 
she is not in the room, the guest should inquire of the 
visitor if the lady of the house will see him or her, 
thus giving her a chance to accept or decline. 

In calling on the sons or the daughters of the house, 
every visitor should leave a card for the father and 
mother. If ladies are at home, cards should be left 
for the gentlemen of the family. 

In Europe a young man is not allowed to ask for 
the young ladies of the house in formal parlance, 
nor is he allowed to leave a card on them — socially 
in Europe the "jeunefille" has no existence. He calls 
on the mother or chaperon ; the young lady may be 
sent for, but he must not inquire for her first. Even 
if she is a young lady at the head of a house, he is 
not allowed to call upon her without some prelimina- 
ries ; some amiable female friend must manage to 
bring them together. 

In America the other extreme has led to a very vi- 
cious system of etiquette, by which young ladies are 
recognized as altogether leaders of society, receiving 
the guests and pushing their mothers into the back- 
ground. It would amaze a large number of ambi- 
tious young ladies to be told that it was not proper 
that young men should call on them and be received 
by them alone. But the solution would seem to be 
that the mother or chaperon should advance to her 
proper place in this country, and while taking care of 
her daughter, appearing with her in public, and re- 
ceiving visits with her, still permit that good-natured 



14 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES. 

and well-intended social intercourse between young 
men and women which is so seldom abused, and 
which has led to so many happy marriages. It is one 
of the points yet debatable how much liberty should 
be allowed young ladies. Certainly, however, we do 
not wish to hold our young girls up to the scorn and 
ridicule of the novelist or the foreign critic by ig- 
noring what has been a recognized tenet of good 
manners since society was formed. The fact that the 
chaperon is a necessary institution, and that to mar- 
ried ladies and to elderly ladies should be paid all due 
respect, is a subject of which we shall treat later. No 
young lady who is visiting in a strange city or coun- 
try town should ever receive the visits of gentlemen 
without asking her hostess and her daughters to come 
down and be introduced to them ; nor should she ever 
invite such persons to call without asking her hostess 
if it would be agreeable. To receive an ordinary ac- 
quaintance at any hour, even that of the afternoon 
reception, without her hostess would be very bad 
manners. We fear the practice is too common, how- 
ever. How much worse to receive a lover, or a gen- 
tleman who may aspire to the honor of becoming one, 
at unusual hours, without saying anything to the lady 
of the house ! Too many young American girls are 
in the habit of doing so : making of their friend's 
house a convenience by which an acquaintance with a 
young man may be carried on — a young man too, per- 
haps, who has been forbidden her own home. 

A bride receives her callers after she has settled 
down in her married home just as any lady does. 
There is no particular etiquette observed. She sends 



PLAIN CARDS THE BEST. 15 

out cards for two or three reception days, and her 
friends and new acquaintances call or send cards on 
these days. She must not, however, call on her friends 
until they have called upon her. 

As many of these callers — friends, perhaps, of the 
bridegroom — are unknown to the bride, it is well to 
have a servant announce the names; and they should 
also leave their cards in the hall that she may be able 
to know where to return the visits. 

What has so far been said will serve to give a gen- 
eral idea of the card and its uses, and of the duties 
which it imposes upon different members of society. 
Farther on in this volume we will take up, in much 
more particular fashion, the matters only alluded to 
in this opening chapter. 

We may say that cards have changed less in the 
history of etiquette and fashion than anything else. 
They, the shifting pasteboards, are in style about 
what they were fifty — nay, a hundred — years ago. 

The plain, unglazed card with fine engraved script 
cannot be improved upon. The passing fashion for 
engraved autographs, for old English, for German 
text, all these fashions have had but a brief hour. 
Nothing is in worse taste than for an American to 
put a coat-of-arms on his card. It only serves to 
make him ridiculous. 

A lady should send up her card by a servant, but 
not deliver it to the lady of the house; a card is your- 
self, therefore if you meet a lady, she does not want 
two of you. If you wish to leave your address, leave 
a card on the hall table. One does right in leaving a 
card on the hall table at a reception, and one need not 



16 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES. 

call again. An invitation to one's house cancels all 
indebtedness. If a card is left on a lady's reception, 
she should make the next call, although many busy 
society women now never make calls, except when 
they receive invitations to afternoon teas or recep- 
tions. 

When a gentleman calls on ladies who are at home, 
if he knows them well he does not send up a card; 
the servant announces his name. If he does not know 
them well, he does send up a card. One card is suffi- 
cient, but he can inquire for them all. In leaving 
cards it is not necessary to leave seven or eight, but 
it is customary to leave two — one for the lady of the 
house, the other for the rest of the family or the 
stranger who is within their gates. If a gentleman 
wishes particularly to call on any one member, he says 
so to the servant, as " Take my card up to Miss Jones," 
and he adds, " I should like to see all the ladies if they 
are at home." The trouble in answering this ques- 
tion is that authorities differ. We give the latest 
London and New York fashion, so far as we know, 
and also what we believe to be the common-sense view. 
It seems almost unnecessary to say that young men 
should not push, nor ask one social leader to present 
them to another ; nor should they ask for invitations 
to balls, unless the lady is a relative. They must 
wait to be asked by some friend, if they would like to 
be invited. 



CHAPTER II. 

OPTIONAL CIVILITIES. 

There are many optional civilities in life which 
add very much to its charm if observed, but which 
cannot be called indispensable. To those which are 
harmless and graceful we shall give a cursory glance, 
and to those which are doubtful and perhaps harmful 
we shall also briefly allude, leaving it to the common- 
sense of the reader as to whether he will hereafter 
observe in his own manners these so-called optional 
civilities. 

In France, when a gentleman takes off his hat in a 
windy street or in an exposed passage-way, and holds 
it in his hand while talking to a lady, she always says, 
" Couvrez vous " (I beg of you not to stand uncovered). 
A kind-hearted woman says this to a boatman, a coach- 
man, a man of low degree, who always takes off his 
hat when a lady speaks to him. Now in our country, 
unfortunately, the cabmen have such bad manners 
that a lady seldom has the opportunity of this optional 
civility, for, unlike a similar class in Europe, those who 
serve you for your money in America often throw in 
a good deal of incivility with the service, and no book 
of etiquette is more needed than one which should 
teach shop-girls and shop-men the beauty and advan- 
tages of a respectful manner. If men who drive car- 



18 MANNEBS AND SOCIAL USAGES. 

riages and street cabs would learn the most advan- 
tageous way of making money, they would learn to 
touch their hats to a lady when she speaks to them or 
gives an order. It is always done in the Old World, 
and this respectful air adds infinitely to the pleasures 
of foreign travel. 

In all foreign hotels the landlords enforce such re- 
spect on the part of the waiters to the guests of the 
hotel that if two complaints are made of incivility, the 
man or woman complained of is immediately dismissed. 
In a livery-stable, if the hired coachman is complained 
of for an uncivil answer, or even a silence which is 
construed as incivility, he is immediately discharged. 
On the lake of Como, if a lady steps down to a wharf 
to hire a boat, every boatman takes off his cap until 
she has finished speaking, and remains uncovered until 
she asks him to put on his hat. 

Now optional civilities, such as saying to one's in- 
ferior, " Do not stand without your hat," to one's 
equal, " Do not rise, I beg of you," " Do not come out 
in the rain to put me in my carriage," naturally occur 
to the kind-hearted, but they may be cultivated. It 
used to be enumerated among the uses of foreign 
travel that a man went away a bear and came home 
a gentleman. It is not natural to the Anglo-Saxon 
race to be overpolite. They have no petits soins. A 
husband in France moves out an easy-chair for his 
wife, and sets a footstool for every lady. He hands 
her the morning paper, he brings a shawl if there is 
danger of a draught, he kisses her hand when he comes 
in, and he tries to make himself agreeable to her in 
the matter of these little optional civilities. It has the 



A BIT OF SARCASM. 19 

most charming effect upon all domestic life, and we 
find a curious allusion to the politeness observed by- 
French sons towards their mothers and fathers in one 
of Moliere's comedies, where a prodigal son observes 
to his father, who comes to denounce him, " Pray, sir, 
take a chair," says Prodigal ; "you could scold me so 
much more at your ease if you were seated." 

If this was a piece of optional civility which had in 
it a bit of sarcasm, we can readily see that civility 
lends. great strength to satire, and take a hint from it 
in our treatment of rude people. A lady once entering 
a crowded shop, where the women behind the counter 
were singularly inattentive and rude even for America, 
remarked to one young woman who was lounging on 
the counter, and who did not show any particular de- 
sire to serve her, 

"My dear, you make me a convert to the Saturday r 
afternoon early-closing rule, and to the plan for pro- 
viding seats for saleswomen, for I see that fatigue has 
impaired your usefulness to your employer." 

The lounger started to her feet with flashing eyes. 
" I am as strong as you are," said she, very indignantly. 

" Then save yourself a report at the desk by show^ 
ing me some lace," said the lady, in a soft voice, with 
a smile. 

She was served after this with alacrity. In America 
we are all workers ; we have no privileged class ; we 
are earning money in various servitudes, called vari- 
ously law, medicine, divinity, literature, art, mercantile 
business, or as clerks, servants, seamstresses, and nurses, 
and we owe it to our work to do it not only honestly 
but pleasantly. 



20 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES. 

It is absolutely necessary to success in the last-men- 
tioned profession that a woman have a pleasant man- 
ner, and it is a part of the instruction of the training- 
school of nurses, that of civility. It is not every one 
who has a fascinating manner. What a great gift of 
fortune it is ! But it is in every one's power to try 
and cultivate a civil manner. 

In the matter of " keeping a hotel" — a slang expres 
sion which has become a proverb — how well the women 
in Europe understand their business, and how poorly 
the women in America understand theirs! In England 
and all over the Continent the newly arrived stranger 
is received by a woman neatly dressed, with pleasant, 
respectful manners, who is overflowing with optional 
civilities. She conducts the lady to her room, asks if 
she will have the blinds drawn or open, if she will have 
hot water or cold, if she would like a cup of tea, etc. ; 
sends a neat chambermaid to her to take her orders, 
gets her pen and paper for her notes — in fact, treats 
her as a lady should treat a guest. Even in very rural 
districts the landlady comes out to her own door to 
meet the stranger, holds her neat hand to assist her 
to alight, and performs for her all the service she can 
while she is under her roof. 

In America a lady may alight in what is called a 
tavern, weary, travel - stained, and with a headache. 
She is shown into a waiting-room where sits, perhaps, 
an overdressed female in a rocking-chair violently 
fanning herself. She learns that this is the landlady. 
She asks if she can have a room, some hot water, etc. 
The answer may be, "I don't know; I don't have to 
work; perhaps Jim will tell you." And it is to the 



CRUELTY OF SOCIETY LEADERS. 21 

man of the house that the traveller must apply. It is 
a favorable sign that American men are never ashamed 
to labor, although they may not overflow with civility. 
It is a very unfavorable sign for the women of America 
when they are afraid or ashamed of work, and when 
they hesitate to do that which is nearest them with 
civility and interest. 

Another test of self-respect, and one which is some- 
times lacking in those whom the world calls fashiona- 
ble, those who have the possessions which the majority 
of us desire, fine houses, fine clothes, wealth, good posi- 
tion, etc., is the lack or the presence of " fine courtesy," 
which shall treat every one so that he or she is entirely 
at ease. 

" Society is the intercourse of persons on a footing 
of apparent equality," and if so, any one in it who treats 
other people so as to make them uncomfortable is mani- 
festly unfit for society. Now an optional courtesy 
should be the unfailing custom of such a woman, we 
will say, one who has the power of giving pain by a 
slight, who can wound amour propre in the shy, can 
make a debutante stammer and blush, can annoy a shy 
youth by a sneer. How many a girl has had her so- 
ciety life ruined by the cruelty of a society leader! 
how many a young man has had his blood frozen by a 
contemptuous smile at his awkwardness! How much 
of the native good-will of an impulsive person has been 
frozen into a caustic and sardonic temper by the lack 
of a little optional civility? The servant who comes 
for a place, and seats herself while the lady who speaks 
to her is standing, is wanting in optional civility. She 
sins from ignorance, and should be kindly told of her 



22 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES. 

offence, and taught better manners. The rich woman 
who treats a guest impolitely, the landlady who sits in 
her rocking-chair while the traveller waits for those 
comforts which her house of call invites, all are guilty 
of the same offence. It hurts the landlady and the 
servant more nearly than it does the rich woman, be- 
cause it renders their self-imposed task of getting a 
living the more difficult, but it is equally reprehensible 
in all three. 

Good manners are said to be the result of a kind 
heart and careful home training; bad manners, the re- 
sult of a coarse nature and unwise training. We are 
prone to believe that bad manners in Americans are 
almost purely from want of thought. There is no 
more generous, kindly, or better people in the world 
than the standard American, but he is often an un- 
trained creature. The thousands of emigrants who 
land on our shores, with privileges which they never 
thought to have thrust upon them, how can they im- 
mediately learn good manners? In the Old World 
tradition of power is still so fresh that they have to 
learn respect for their employers there. Here there 
are no such traditions. 

The first duty, then, it would seem, both for those 
to whom fortune has been kind and for those who are 
still courting her favors, would be to study optional 
civility; not only the decencies of life, but a little 
more. Not only be virtuous, but have the shadows of 
virtue. Be polite, be engaging; give a cordial bow, a 
gracious smile; make sunshine in a shady place. Be- 
gin at home with your optional civility. Not only 
avoid those serious breaches of manners which should 



FAMILIARITY — BAD STYLE. 23 

cause a man to kick another man down-stairs, but go 
further than good manners — have better manners. Let 
men raise their hats to women, give up seats in cars, 
kiss the hand of an elderly lady if she confers the 
honor of her acquaintance upon them, protect the weak, 
assist the fallen, and cultivate civility; in every class 
of life this would oil the wheels; and especially let 
American women seek to mend their manners. 

Optional civility does not in any way include famil- 
iarity. We doubt whether it is not the best of all ar- 
mor against it. Familiarity is "bad style." It is not 
civility which causes one lady to say to another, " Your 
bonnet is very unbecoming; let me beg of you to go 
to another milliner." That is familiarity, which, how- 
ever much it may be supposed to be excess of friend- 
ship, is generally either caused by spite or by a defi- 
ciency of respect. The latter is never pardonable. It 
is in doubtful taste to warn people of their faults, to 
comment upon their lack of taste, to carry them disa- 
greeable tidings, under the name of friendship. On 
the Continent, where diflidence is unknown, where a 
man, whoever he may be, has a right to speak to his 
fellow-man (if he does it civilly), where a woman finds 
other women much more polite to her than women are 
to each other in this country, there is no familiarity. 
It is almost an insult to touch the person; for instance, 
no one places his hand on the arm or shoulder of an- 
other person unless there is the closest intimacy; but 
everywhere there is an optional civility freely given 
between poor and poor, rich and poor, rich and rich, 
superiors and inferiors, between equals. It would be 
pleasant to follow this out in detail, the results are so 
agreeable and so honorable. 



CHAPTER III. 

GOOD AND BAD SOCIETY. 

Many of our correspondents ask us to define what 
is meant by the terms "good society" and "bad so- 
ciety." They say that they read in the newspapers 
of the " good society " in New York and Washington 
and Newport, and that it is a record of drunkenness, 
flirtation, bad manners and gossip, backbiting, di- 
vorce, and slander. They read that the fashionable 
people at popular resorts commit all sorts of vulgari- 
ties, such as talking aloud at the opera, and disturb- 
ing their neighbors; that young men go to a dinner, 
get drunk, and break glasses; and one ingenuous 
young girl remarks, "We do not call that good so- 
ciety in Chicago." 

Such a letter might have been written to that 
careful chronicler of "good society" in the days of 
Charles II., old Pepys of courtly fame. The young 
maiden of Hertfordshire, far from the Court, might 
well have thought of Rochester and such "gay 
sparks," and the ladies who threw glasses of wine at 
them, as not altogether well-bred, nor entitled to ad- 
mission into "good society." We cannot blame her. 

It is the old story. Where, too, as in our land, 
pleasure and luxury rule a certain set who enjoy no 
tradition of good manners, the contradiction in terms 



ARROGANCE OF FASHION. 25 

is the more apparent. Even the external forms of re- 
spect to good manners are wanting. No such overt 
vulgarity, for instance, as talking aloud at the opera 
will ever be endured in London, because a powerful 
class of really well-born and well-bred people will hiss 
it down, and insist on the quiet which music, of all 
other things, demands. That is what we mean by a 
tradition of good manners. 

In humbler society, we may say as in the household 
of a Scotch peasant, such as was the father of Carlyle, 
the breaches of manners which are often seen in fash- 
ionable society would never occur. They would ap- 
pear perfectly impossible to a person who had a really 
good heart and a gentle nature. The manners of a 
young man of fashion who keeps his hat on when 
speaking to a lady, who would smoke in her face, and 
would appear indifferent to her comfort at a supper- 
table, who would be contradictory and neglectful — 
such manners would have been impossible to Thomas 
or John Carlyle, reared as they were in the humblest 
poverty. It was the "London swell" who dared to 
be rude in their day as now. 

But this impertinence and arrogance of fashion 
should not prevent the son of a Scotch peasant from 
acquiring, or attempting to acquire, the conventional 
habits and manners of a gentleman. If he have al- 
ready the grace of high culture, he should seek to 
add to it the knowledge of social laws, which will 
render him an agreeable person to be met in society. 
He must learn how to write a graceful note, and to 
answer his invitations promptly; he must learn the 
etiquette of dress and of leaving cards ; he must learn 



26 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES. 

now to eat his dinner gracefully, and, even if he sees 
in good society men of external polish guilty of a 
rudeness which would have shocked the man who in 
the Scotch Highlands fed and milked the cows, he 
still must not forget that society demands something 
torhich was not found in the farm-yard. Carlyle, him- 
self the greatest radical and democrat in the world, 
found that life at Craigenputtock would not do all 
for him, that he must go to London and Edinburgh 
to rub off his solitary neglect of manners, and strive 
to be like other people. 

The Queen of England has always been polite to 
men of letters, and to the clergy, whether they were 
polished in manner or not. On the contrary, some 
of her greatest favorites have been, as Carlyle 
was, the sons of peasants. She has not hesitated to 
rebuke and fail to receive some high-bred but im- 
moral dukes ; and a duke in England is a very 
great personage : next to Royalty he is the highest. 
In this respect, for a good intention, the world has 
reason to thank the Queen ; yet such is the reverence 
felt for rank and hereditary name in England that a 
duke, however bad, continues in the circles of fashion, 
still courted for his title, even if the highest lady in 
the land has rebuked him ; and this may be said of a 
bad duchess. 

She has refused to receive the friends of the Prince 
of Wales, particularly some of his American favorites, 
this good Queen, because she esteems good manners 
and a virtuous life as a part of good society, however 
somewhat contradictory. 

Now, those who are not " in society " are apt to mis- 



UTOPIA OF SOCIETY. 27 

take all that is excessive, all that is dissolute, all that is 
snobbish, all that is aggressive, as being a part of that 
society. In this they are wrong. No one estimates 
the grandeur of the ocean by the rubbish thrown up 
on the shore. Fashionable society, good society, the 
best society, is composed of the very best people, the 
most polished and accomplished, religious, moral, and 
charitable. 

The higher the civilization, therefore, the better 
the society, it being always borne in mind that there 
will be found, here and there, the objectionable out- 
growths of a false luxury and of an insincere culture. 
No doubt, among the circles of the highest nobility, 
while the king and queen may be people of simple 
and unpretending manners, there may be some arro- 
gant and self-sufficient master of ceremonies, some 
Malvolio whose pomposity is in strange contrast to 
the good - breeding of Olivia. It is the lesser star 
which twinkles most. The " School for Scandal" is 
a lasting picture of the folly and frivolity of a cer- 
tain phase of London society in the past, and it re- 
peats itself in every decade. There is always a 
Mrs. Candour, a Sir Benjamin Backbite, and a scan- 
dalous college at Newport, in New York, Milwau- 
kee, Philadelphia, Boston, Baltimore, Chicago, Sar- 
atoga, Long Branch, wherever society congregates. 
It is the necessary imperfection, the seamy side. 
Such is the reverse of the pattern. Unfortunate- 
ly, the right side is not so easily described. The 
colors of a beautiful bit of brocade are, when seen 
as a whole, so judiciously blended that they can 
hardly be pronounced upon individually: one only 



28 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES. 

admires the tout ensemble, and that uncritically, per- 
haps. 

That society is bad whose members, however tena- 
cious they be of forms of etiquette and elaborate cer- 
emonials, have one code of manners for those whom 
they deem their equals, and another for those whom 
they esteem to be of less importance to them by rea- 
son of age, pecuniary condition, or relative social in- 
fluence. Bad maimers are apt to prove the concom- 
itant of a mind and disposition that are none too 
good, and the fashionable woman who slights and 
wounds people because they cannot minister to her 
ambition, challenges a merciless criticism of her own 
moral shortcomings. A young girl who is imperti- 
nent or careless in her demeanor to her mother or 
her mother's friends ; who goes about without a chap- 
eron and talks slang ; who is careless in her bearing 
towards young men, permitting them to treat her as 
if she were one of themselves; who accepts the at- 
tention of a young man of bad character or dissipated 
habits because he happens to be rich ; who is loud in 
dress and rough in manner — such a young girl is 
"bad society," be she the daughter of an earl or a 
butcher. There are many such instances of audacity 
in the so-called "good society" of America, but such 
people do not spoil it ; they simply isolate them- 
selves. 

A young man is "bad society" who is indifferent 
to those older than himself, who neglects to acknowl- 
edge invitations, who sits while a lady stands, who 
goes to a ball and does not speak to his host, who 
is selfish, who is notoriously immoral and careless of 



"a parvenue. ' x 29 

his good name, and who throws discredit on his father 
and mother by showing his ill-breeding. No matter 
how rich, how externally agreeable to those whom he 
may wish to court, no matter how much varnish of 
outward manner such a man may possess, he is "bad 
society." 

A parvenue who assumes to keep other people out 
of the society which she has just conquered, whose 
thoughts are wholly upon social success (which means, 
with her, knowing somebody who has heretofore 
refused to know her), who is climbing, and throw- 
ing backward looks of disdain upon those who also 
c/imb — such a woman, unfortunately too common in 
America, is, when she happens to have achieved a 
fashionable position, one of the worst instances of 
bad society. She may be very prominent, powerful, 
and influential. She may have money and "enter- 
tain," and people desirous of being amused may court 
her, and her bad manners will be accepted by the 
careless observer as one of the concomitants of fash- 
ion. The reverse is true. She is an interloper in the 
circles of good society, and the old fable of the ass 
in the lion's skin fits her precisely. Many a duchess 
in England is such an interloper; her supercilious 
airs betray the falsity of her politeness, but she is 
obliged by the rules of the Court at which she has 
been educated to " behave like a lady ;" she has to 
counterfeit good-breeding ; she cannot, she dare not, 
behave as a woman who has suddenly become rich 
may sometimes, nay does, behave in American society, 
and who will still be received. 

It will thus be seen, as has been happily expressed, 



30 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES. 

that " fashion has many classes, and many rules of 
probation and admission." A young person ignorant 
of its laws should not be deluded, however, by false 
appearances. If a young girl comes from the most 
secluded circles to Saratoga, and sees some handsome, 
well-dressed, conspicuous woman much courted, lion- 
ized, as it were, and observes in her what seems to 
be insolent pretence, unkindness, frivolity, and super- 
ciliousness, let her inquire and wait before she accepts 
this bit of brass for pure gold. Emerson defines 
" sterling fashion as funded talent." Its objects may 
be frivolous or objectless; but, in the long-run, its 
purposes are neither frivolous nor accidental. It is 
an effort for good society; it is the bringing together 
of admirable men and women in a pleasant way. 
Good - breeding, personal superiority, beauty, genius, 
culture, are all very good things. Every one delights 
in a person of charming manners. Some people will 
forgive very great derelictions in a person who has 
charming manners, but the truly good society is the 
society of those who have virtue and good manners 
both. 

Some Englishman asked an American, " What sort 
of a country is America?" "It is a country where 
everybody can tread on everybody's toes," was the 
answer, which is not true. 

It is very bad society where any one wishes to 
tread on his neighbor's toes, and worse yet where 
there is a disposition to feel aggrieved, or to show 
that one feels aggrieved. There are certain people 
new in society who are always having their toes trod- 
den upon. They say : " Mrs. Brown snubbed me ; 



IMITATIONS OF GOOD SOCIETY. 31 

Mrs. Smith does not wish to know me; Mrs. Thomp- 
son ought to have invited me. I am as good as any 
of them." This is very bad society. No woman 
with self-respect will ever say such things. If one 
meets with rudeness, take no revenge, cast no asper- 
isions. Wit and tact, accomplishments and social tal- 
ents, may have elevated some woman to a higher pop- 
ularity than another, but no woman will gain that 
height by complaining. Command of temper, delicacy 
of feeling, and elegance of manner — all these are de- 
manded of the persons who become leaders of soci- 
ety, and would remain so. They alone are " good so- 
ciety." Their imitators may masquerade for a time, 
and tread on toes, and fling scorn and insult about 
them while in a false and insecure supremacy ; but 
such pretenders to the throne are soon unseated. 
There is a dreadful Sedan and Strasburg awaiting 
them. They distrust their own flatterers ; their " ap- 
panage " is not a solid one. 

People who are looking on at society from a dis- 
tance must remember that women of the world are 
not always worldly women. They forget that brill- 
iancy in society may be accompanied by the best 
heart and the sternest principle. The best people of 
the world are those who know the world best. They 
recognize the fact that this world should be known 
and served and treated with as much respect and sin- 
cerity as that other world, which is to be our reward 
for having conquered the one in which we live now. 



CHAPTER IV. 

ON INTRODUCING PEOPLE. 

A lady in her own house can in these United States 
do pretty much as she pleases, but there is one thing 
in which our cultivated and exclusive city fashiona- 
ble society seems agreed, and that is, that she must 
not introduce two ladies who reside in the same town. 
It is an awkward and an embarrassing restriction, par- 
ticularly as the other rule, which renders it easy enough 
■ — the English rule — that the "roof is an introduction," 
and that visitors can converse without further notice, 
is not understood. So awkward, however, are Amer- 
icans about this, that even in very good houses one 
lady has spoken to another, perhaps to a young girl, 
and has received no answer, "because she had not 
been introduced;" but this state of ignorance is, fortu- 
nately, not very common. It should be met by the 
surprised rejoinder of the Hoosier school -mistress : 
" Don't yer know enough to speak when yer spoken 
to?" Let every woman remember, whether she is 
from the backwoods, or from the most fashionable 
city house, that no such casual conversation can hurt 
her. It does not involve the further acquaintance 
of these two persons. They may cease to know each 
other when they go down the front steps; and it would 
be kinder if they would both relieve the lady of the 



SNOBBISHNESS, 33 

house of their joint entertainment by joining in the 
conversation, or even speaking to each other. 

A hostess in this land is sometimes young, embar- 
rassed, and not fluent. The presence of two ladies with 
whom she is not very well acquainted herself, and 
both of whom she must entertain, presents a fearful 
dilemma. It is a kindness to her, which should out- 
weigh the dangers of making an acquaintance in "an- 
other set," if those ladies converse a little with each 
other. 

If one lady desires to be introduced to another, the 
hostess should ask if she may do so, of course unob- 
trusively. Sometimes this places one lady in an un- 
lucky position towards another. She does not know 
exactly what to do. Mrs. So-and-so may have the 
gift of exclusiveness, and may desire that Mrs. That- 
and-that shall not have the privilege of bowing to 
her. Gurowski says, in his very clever book on Amer- 
ica, that snobbishness is a peculiarity of the fashion- 
able set in America, because they do not know where 
they stand. It is the peculiarity of vulgar people 
everywhere, whether they sit on thrones or keep 
liquor-shops; snobs are born — not made. If, how- 
ever, a lady has this gift or this drawback of exclu- 
siveness, it is wrong to invade her privacy by intro- 
ducing people to her. 

Introducing should not be indiscriminately done 
either at home or in society by any lady, however 
kind-hearted. Her own position must be maintained, 
and that may demand a certain loyalty to her own set. 
She must be careful how she lets loose on society an 
undesirable or aggressive man, for instance, or a great 



34 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES. 

bore, or a vulgar, irritating woman. These will all 
be social obstacles to the young ladies of her family, 
whom she must first consider. She must not add to 
the embarrassments of a lady who has already too 
large a visiting list. Unsolicited introductions are 
bad for both parties. Some large-hearted women 
of society are too generous by half in this way. A 
lady should by adroit questions find out how a new 
acquaintance would be received, whether or not it 
is the desire of both parties to know each other; 
for, if there is the slightest doubt existing on this 
point, she will be blamed by both. It is often the 
good-natured desire of a sympathetic person that the 
people whom she knows well should know each other. 
She therefore strives to bring them together at lunch 
or dinner, but perhaps finds out afterwards that one 
of the ladies has particular objections to knowing 
the other, and she is not thanked. The disaffected 
lady shows her displeasure by being impolite to the 
pushing lady, as she may consider her. Had no in- 
troduction taken place, she argues, she might have 
still enjoyed a reputation for politeness. Wary wom- 
en of the world are therefore very shy of introducing 
two women to each other. 

This is the awkward side. The more agreeable 
and, we may say, humane side has its thousands and 
thousands of supporters, who believe that a friendly 
introduction hurts no one; but we are now not talk- 
ing of kindness, but of etiquette, which is decidedly 
opposed to indiscriminate introductions. 

Society is such a complicated organization, and its 
laws are so lamentably unwritten, yet so deeply en- 



mode op introduction; 35 

graved on certain minds, that these things become im- 
portant to those who are always winding and unwind- 
ing the chains of fashion. 

It is therefore well to state it as a received rule 
that no gentleman should ever be introduced to a lady 
unless her permission has been asked, and she be given 
an opportunity to refuse ; and that no woman should 
be introduced formally to another woman unless the 
introducer has consulted the wishes of both women. 
No delicate-minded person would ever intrude herself 
upon the notice of a person to whom she had been 
casually introduced in a friend's drawing-room ; but 
all the world, unfortunately, is not made up of del- 
icate-minded persons. 

In making an introduction, the gentleman is pre- 
sented to the lady with some such informal speech as 
this : " Mrs. A, allow me to present Mr. B ;" or, 
" Mrs. A, Mr. B desires the honor of knowing you." 
In introducing two women, present the younger to the 
older woman, the question of rank not holding good 
in our society where the position of the husband, be 
he judge, general, senator, or president even, does not 
give his wife fashionable position. She may be of far 
less importance in the great world of society than 
some Mrs. Smith, who, having nothing else, is set 
down as of the highest rank in that unpublished but 
well-known book of heraldry which is so thoroughly 
anderstood in America as a tradition. It is the proper 
thing for a gentleman to ask a mutual friend or an 
acquaintance to introduce him to a lady, and there 
are few occasions when this request is refused. In 
our crowded ballrooms, chaperons often ask young 



36 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES. 

men if they will be introduced to their charges. It 
is better before asking the young men of this pres- 
ent luxurious age, if they will not only be introduced, 
but if they propose to dance, with the young lady s 
else that young person may be mortified by a snub c 
It is painful to record, as we must, that the age of 
chivalry is past, and that at a gay ball young men ap- 
pear as supremely selfish, and desire generally only 
introductions to the reigning belle, or to an heiress, 
not deigning to look at the humble wall-flower, who 
is neither, but whose womanhood should command 
respect. Ballroom introductions are supposed to 
mean, on the part of the gentleman, either an inten- 
tion to dance with the young lady, to walk with her, 
or to talk to her through one dance, or to show her 
some attention. 

Men scarcely ever ask to be introduced to each 
other, but if a lady, through some desire of her own, 
wishes to present them, she should never be met by 
indifference on their part. Men have a right to be 
exclusive as to their acquaintances, of course ; but at 
a lady's table, or in her parlor, they should never 
openly show distaste for each other's society before 
her. 

In America it is the fashion to shake hands, and 
most women, if desirous of being cordial, extend their 
hands even on a first introduction ; but it is, perhaps, 
more elegant to make a bow only, at a first introduc- 
tion. 

In her own house a hostess should always extend 
her hand to a person brought to her by a mutual 
friend, and introduced for the first time. 



ANGLO-SAXON ETIQUETTE. 37 

At a dinner-party, a few minutes before dinner, the 
hostess introduces to a lady the gentleman who is to 
take her down to the dining-room, but makes no fur- 
ther introductions, except in the case of a distin- 
guished stranger, to whom all the company are intro- 
duced. Here people, as we have said, are shy of 
speaking, but they should not be, for the room where 
they meet is a sufficient guarantee that they can con- 
verse without any loss of dignity. 

At large gatherings in the country it is proper for 
the lady to introduce her guests to each other, and it 
is perfectly proper to do this without asking permission 
of either party. A mother always introduces her son 
or daughter, a husband his wife, or a wife her hus- 
band, without asking permission. 

A gentleman, after being introduced to a lady, must 
wait for her to bow first before he ventures to claim 
her as an acquaintance. 

This is Anglo-Saxon etiquette. On the Continent, 
however, the gentleman bows first. There the matter 
of the raising the hat is also important. An Ameri- 
can gentleman takes his hat quite off to a lady ; a 
foreigner raises it but slightly, and bows with a def- 
erential air. Between ladies but slightly acquainted, 
and just introduced, a very formal bow is all that is 
proper ; acquaintances and friends bow and smile ; 
intimate male friends simply nod, but all gentlemen 
with ladies raise the hat and bow if the lady recog- 
nizes a friend. 

Introductions which take place out-of-doors, as on 
the lawn-tennis ground, in the hunting field, in the 
street, or in any casual way, are not to be taken as 



38 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES. 

necessarily formal, unless the lady chooses so to con- 
sider them. The same may be said of introductions 
at a watering-place, where a group of ladies walking 
together may meet other ladies or gentlemen, and join 
forces for a walk or drive. Introductions are needful, 
and should be made by the oldest lady of the party, 
but are not to be considered as making an acquaint- 
ance necessary between the parties if neither should 
afterwards wish it. It is universally conceded now 
that this sort of casual introduction does not involve 
either lady in the net-work of a future acquaintance ; 
nor need a lady recognize a gentleman, if she does not 
choose to do so, after a watering-place introduction. 
It is always, however, more polite to bow ; that civil- 
ity hurts no one. 

There are in our new country many women who 
consider themselves fashionable leaders — members of 
an exclusive set — and who fear if they should know 
some other women out of that set that they would im- 
peril their social standing. These people have no titles 
by which they can be known, so they preserve their 
exclusiveness by disagreeable manners, as one would 
hedge a garden by a border of prickly-pear. The 
result is that much ill-feeling is engendered in society, 
and people whom these old aristocrats call the "nou- 
veaux riches" "parvenus," etc., are always having their 
feelings hurt. The fact remains that the best-bred 
and most truly aristocratic people do not find it nec- 
essary to hurt any one's feelings. An introduction 
never harms anybody, and a woman with the slight- 
ost tact can keep off a vulgar and a pushing person 
without being rude. It is to be feared that there 



DUTIES OF A HOSTESS. 39 

are vulgar natures among those who aspire to be con- 
sidered exclusive, and that they are gratified if they 
can presumably increase their own importance by 
seeming exclusive ; but it is not necessary to dwell 
on such people. 

The place given here to the ill-bred is only con- 
ceded to them that one may realize the great demands 
made upon the tact and the good feeling of a hostess. 
She must have a quick apprehension ; she may and 
will remember, however, that it is very easily for- 
given, this kind-heartedness — that it is better to sin 
against etiquette than to do an unkind thing. 

Great pains should be taken by a hostess to intro- 
duce shy people. Young people are those whose 
pleasure must depend on introductions. 

It is well for a lady in presenting two strangers to 
say something which may break the ice, and make 
the conversation easy and agreeable ; as, for instance, 
"Mrs. Smith, allow me to present Mr. Brown, who 
has just arrived from New Zealand ;" or, "Mrs. Jones, 
allow me to present Mrs. Walsingham, of Washington 
— or San Francisco," so that the two may naturally 
have a question and answer ready with which to step 
over the threshold of conversation without tripping. 

At a five-o'clock tea or a large reception there are 
reasons why a lady cannot introduce any one but the 
daughter or sister whom she has in charge. A lady 
who comes and knows no one sometimes goes away 
feeling that her hostess has been inattentive, because 
no one has spoken to her. She remembers Europe, 
where the roof -tree has been an introduction, and 
where people spoke kindly to her and did not pass 



40 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES. 

her by. Dinner - parties in stiff and formal London 
have this great attraction : a gentleman steps up and 
speaks to a lady, although they have never met be- 
fore, and often takes her down to dinner without an 
introduction. The women chat after dinner like old 
friends ; every one knows that the roof is a sufficient 
guarantee. This is as it should be ; but great awk- 
wardness results in the United States if one lady 
speaks to another and receives no answer. "Pray, 
can you tell me who the pianist is ?" said a leader of 
society to a young girl near her at a private concert. 
The young lady looked distressed and blushed, and 
did not answer. Having seen a deaf-mute in the 
room whom she knew, the speaker concluded that this 
young lady belonged to that class of persons, and was 
very much surprised when later the hostess brought 
up this silent personage and introduced her. 

"I could not speak to you before because I had 
not been introduced — but the pianist is Mr. Mills," 
remarked this punctilious person. " I, however, could 
speak to you, although we had not been formally 
presented. The roof was a sufficient guarantee of 
your respectability, and I thought from your not an- 
swering that you were deaf and dumb," said the lady. 

The rebuke was deserved. Common -sense must 
interpret etiquette; "nice customs courtesy to great 
kings." Society depends upon its social soothsayers 
for all that is good in it. A disagreeable woman can 
always find precedents for being formal and chilling ; 
a fine -tempered woman can always find reasons 
enough for being agreeable. A woman would rather 
be a benediction than a curse, one would think. 



CARE IN PRESENTING FOREIGNERS. 41 

We hold it proper, all things considered, that at 
dinner-parties and receptions a hostess may introduce 
her friends to each other. So long as there is em- 
barrassment, or the mistake made by the young lady 
above mentioned who would not answer a civil ques- 
tion ; so long as these mistakes and others are made, 
and the result be stupidity and gloom, and a party 
silent and thumb-twisting, instead of gayly conver- 
sing, as it should be; so long as people do not come to- 
gether easily — it is manifestly proper that the hostess 
should put her finger on the social pendulum, and give 
it a swing to start the conversational clock. All well- 
bred people recognize the propriety of speaking to 
even an enemy at a dinner-party, although they would 
suffer no recognition an hour later. The same princi* 
pie holds good, of course, if, in the true exercise of 
her hospitality, the hostess should introduce some 
person whom she would like to commend. These are 
the exceptions which form the rule. 

Care should be taken in presenting foreigners to 
young ladies ; sometimes titles are dubious. Here, 
a hostess is to be forgiven if she positively declines. 
She may say, politely, "I hardly think I know you 
well enough to dare to present you to that young 
lady. You must wait until her parents (or guardians, 
or chaperon) will present you." 

But the numbers of agreeable people who are ready 
and waiting to be introduced are many. The woman 
of literary distinction and the possessor of an honored 
name may be invincibly shy and afraid to speak ; 
while her next neighbor, knowing her fame perhaps, 
and anxious to make her acquaintance, misconstrues 



42 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES. 

shyness for pride — a masquerade which bashfulness 
sometimes plays ; so two people, with volumes to say 
to each other, remain silent as fishes, until the kind- 
ly magician comes along, and, by the open sesame of 
an introduction, unlocks the treasure which has been 
so deftly hidden. A woman of fashion may enter an 
assembly of thinkers and find herself dreaded and 
shunned, until some kind word creates the entente 
cordiale. In the social entertainments of New York, 
the majority prefer those where the hostess introduces 
her guests — under, of course, these wise and proper 
limitations. 

As for forms of introduction, the simplest are best. 
A lady should introduce her husband as " Mr. Brown," 
" General Brown," "Judge Brown." If he has a title 
she is always to give it to him. Our simple forms 
of titular respect have been condemned abroad, and 
we are accused of being all " colonels " and " gener- 
als ;" but a wife should still give her husband his 
title. In addressing the President we say "Mr. 
President," but his wife should say, "Allow me to in- 
troduce the President to you." The modesty of Mrs. 
Grant, however, never allowed her to call her many- 
titled husband anything but "Mr. Grant," which had, 
in her case, a sweetness above all etiquette. 

Introductions in the homely German fatherland 
are universal, everybody pronouncing to everybody 
else the name of the lady to whom he is talking; 
and among our German fellow-citizens we often see 
a gentleman convoying a lady through a crowded 
assemblage, introducing her to everybody. It is a 
simple, cordial, and pleasant thing enough, as with 



"'cold shouldeb." 43 

them the acquaintance stops there; and a bow and 
smile hurt nobody. 

No one of heart or mind need feel afraid to talk 
and be agreeable, whether introduced or not, at a 
friend's house ; even if she meets with the rebuff of 
a deaf-and-dumb neighbor, she need not feel heart- 
broken : she is right, and her stiff acquaintance is 
wrong. 

If a gentleman asks to be presented to a lady, she 
should signify her assent in a pleasant way, and pay 
her hostess, through whom the request comes, the com- 
pliment of at least seeming to be gratified at the intro- 
duction. Our American ladies are sometimes a little 
lacking in cordiality of manner, often receiving a new 
acquaintance with that part of their conformation 
which is known as the " cold shoulder." A brusque 
discourtesy is bad, a very effusive courtesy and a too 
low bow are worse, and an overwhelming and patron- 
izing manner is atrocious. The proper salutation lies 
just between the two extremes: the juste milieu is the 
proper thing always. In seeking introductions for 
ourselves, while we need not be shy of making a 
first visit or asking for an introduction, we must still 
beware of " push." There are instincts in the hum- 
blest understanding which will tell us where to draw 
the line. If a person is socially more prominent than 
ourselves, or more distinguished in any way, we should 
not be violently anxious to take the first step; we should 
wait until some happy chance brought us together, 
for we must be as firm in our self-respect as our neigh- 
bor is secure in her exalted position. Wealth has 
heretofore had very little power to give a person an 



44 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES. 

exclusively fashionable position. Character, breed- 
ing, culture, good connections — all must help. An 
aristocrat who is such by virtue of an old and hon- 
ored name which has never been tarnished is a power 
in the newest society as in the oldest; but it is a 
shadowy power, felt rather than described. Educa- 
tion is always a power. 

To be sure, there is a tyranny in large cities of 
what is known as the " fashionable set," formed of 
people willing to spend money ; who make a sort of 
alliance, offensive and defensive ; who can give balls 
and parties and keep certain people out; who have 
the place which many covet; who are too much feared 
and dreaded. If those who desire an introduction to 
this set strive for it too much, they will be sure to 
be snubbed ; for this circle lives by snubbing. If 
such an aspirant will wait patiently, either the whole 
autocratic set of ladies will disband — for such sets 
disentangle easily — or else they in their turn will 
come knocking at the door and ask to be received. 
Hart de tenir salon is not acquired in an hour. It 
takes many years for a new and an uninstructed set 
to surmount all the little awkwardnesses, the dubious 
points of etiquette, that come up in every new shuffle 
of the social cards; but a modest and serene courtesy, 
a civility which is not servile, will be a good intro- 
duction into any society. 

And it is well to have that philosophical spirit 
which puts the best possible interpretation upon the 
conduct of others. Be not in haste to consider your- 
self neglected. Self-respect does not easily receive 
an insult. 



OLD-WORLD FASHIONS. 45 

A lady who is fully aware of her own respectabil- 
ity, who has always lived in the best society, is never 
afraid to bow or call first, or to introduce the people 
whom she may desire should know each other. She 
perhaps presumes on her position, but it is very rare 
that such a person offends; for tact is almost always 
the concomitant of social success. 

There has been a movement lately towards the stately 
bows and courtesies of the past in our recent importa- 
tion of Old-World fashions. A lady silently courte- 
sies wher> introduced, a gentleman makes a deep bow 
without speaking. We have had the custom of hand- 
shaking — and a very good custom it is — but perhaps 
the latest fashion in ceremonious introduction forbids 
it. A letter of introduction should receive all the atten- 
tion possible. In England it always means an invita- 
tion to dinner. In America it does not always receive 
the attention it deserves. The master and mistress 
of a house receiving such a letter should immediately 
call on the persons who present it, and should, if pos- 
sible, invite them to their house. 

Gentlemen carry their ordinary hats into a drawing- 
room, if they choose. If a gentleman carries his crush 
hat, and a lady her fan and a bouquet, hand-shaking 
may not be perfectly convenient. However, if a lady 
or gentleman extends a hand, it should be taken cord- 
ially. Always respond to the greeting in the key- 
note of the giver, or even more cordially. 



CHAPTER V. 

VISITING. 

No term admits of a wider interpretation than this; 
no subject is capable of a greater number of subdi- 
visions. The matter of formal visiting has led to the 
writing of innumerable books. The decay of social 
visiting is a cause of regret to all the old-fashioned 
people who remember how agreeable it was; but our 
cities have grown too large for it, and in our vil- 
lages the population changes too quickly. The con- 
stant effort to make the two systems shake hands, to 
add cordiality to formality, and to provide for all the 
forced conditions of a rapidly growing and constantly 
changing society, these are but a few of the difficulties 
attending this subject. 

The original plan of an acquaintance in a formal 
city circle was to call once or twice a year on all 
one's friends personally, with the hope and the remote 
expectation of finding two or three at home. When 
society was smaller in New York, this was possible, 
but it soon grew to be impossible, as in all large cities. 
This finally led to the establishment of a reception 
day which held good all winter. That became im- 
possible and tiresome, and was narrowed down to foul 
Tuesdays, perhaps, in one month; that resolved itself 
into one or two five-o'clock teas ; and then again, if 



STRICT RULES OF ETIQUETTE. 47 

a lady got lame or lazy or luxurious, even the last 
easy method of receiving her friends became too 
onerous, and cards were left or sent in an envelope. 

Now, according to the strict rules of etiquette, one 
card a year left at the door, or one sent in an envelope, 
continues the acquaintance. We can never know 
what sudden pressure of calamity, what stringent need 
of economy, what exigencies of work, may prompt a 
lady to give up her visiting for a season. Even when 
there is no apparent cause, society must ask no ques- 
tions, but must acquiesce in the most good-natured 
view of the subject. 

Still, there must be uniformity. We are not pleased 
to receive Mrs. Brown's card by post, and then to 
meet her making a personal visit to our next neigh- 
bor. We all wish to receive our personal visits, and 
if a lady cannot call on all her formal acquaintances 
once, she had better call on none. 

If she gives one reception a year and invites all her 
"list," she is then at liberty to refrain from either 
calling or sending a card, unless she is asked to a 
wedding or dinner, a ladies' lunch or a christening, or 
receives some very particular invitation which she 
must return by an early personal call — the very for- 
mal and the punctilious say within a week, but that 
is often impossible. 

And if a lady have a day, the call should be made 
on that day; it is rude to ignore the intimation. One 
should try to call on a reception day. But here in a 
crowded city another complication comes in. If a 
lady have four Thursdays in January and several 
other ladies have Thursdays, it may be impossible 



48 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES. 

to reach all those ladies on their reception day, 
There is nothing for it, then, but to good-naturedly 
apologize, and to regret that calling hours are now 
reduced to between four and six in large cities. 

Some people have too many acquaintances. If they 
hope to do anything in the world but drive about and 
leave cards, they must exonerate themselves from 
blame by giving a reception, having a day or an even- 
ing for receiving, and then trust to the good-nature of 
society, or its forgetfulness, which is about the same 
thing, to excuse them. 

Happy those ladies who can give up an evening a 
week to their friends ; that rubs out the score on the 
social slate, besides giving a number of people a chance 
to spend a very agreeable hour in that society which 
gathers around a hospitable lamp. 

The danger of this kind of hospitality is that it is 
abused by bores, who are too apt to congregate in 
numbers, and to wear out the lady of the house by 
using her parlor as a spot where they are safe from 
the rain and cold and free to bestow their tedious- 
ness on anybody, herself included. Then a lady 
after committing herself to a reception evening often 
wishes to go out herself. It requires unselfishness 
to give up an evening to that large circle, some of 
whom forget it, some go elsewhere, some come too 
often, and sometimes, alas ! no one calls. These are 
the drawbacks of an " evening at home." However, 
it is a laudable custom; one could wish it were more 
common. 

No one can forget the eloquent thanks of such men 
as Horace Walpole, and other persons of distinction, to 



POSITION OF YOUNG MARRIED WOMEN. 49 

the Misses Berry, in London, who kept up their even- 
ing receptions for sixty years. But, from the trials of 
those who have too much visiting, we turn to the peo- 
ple who have all the means and appliances of visiting 
and no one to visit. 

The young married woman who comes to New 
York, or any other large city, often passes years of 
loneliness before she has made her acquaintances. 
She is properly introduced, we will say by her moth« 
er-in-law or some other friend, and then, after a 
round of visits in which she has but, perhaps, im- 
perfectly apprehended the positions and names of 
her new acquaintances, she has a long illness, or she 
is called into mourning, or the cares of the nursery 
surround her, and she is shut out from society until 
it has forgotten her; and when she is ready to emerge, 
it is difficult for her to find her place again in the 
visiting - book. If she is energetic and clever, she 
surmounts this difficulty by giving a series of recep- 
tions, or engaging in charities, or working on some 
committee, making herself of use to society in some 
way; and thus picks up her dropped stitches. But 
some young women are without the courage and tact 
to do this thing ; they wait, expecting that society 
will find them out, and, taking them up, will do all 
the work and leave them to accept or refuse civilities 
as they please. Society never does this ; it has too 
much on its hands; a few conspicuously beautiful and 
gifted people may occasionally receive such an ova- 
tion, but it is not for the rank and file. 

Every young woman should try to make at least 
one personal visit to those who are older than hei 



50 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES. 

self, and she should show charity towards those who 
do not return this visit immediately. Of course, she 
has a right to be piqued if her visit be persistently 
ignored ; and she should not press herself upon a 
cold or indifferent acquaintance, but she should be 
slow to wrath; and if she is once invited to the older 
lady's house, it is worth a dozen calls so far as the 
intention of civility is concerned. 

It is proper to call in person, or to leave a card, 
after an acquaintance has lost a relative, after an en- 
gagement is announced, after a marriage has taken 
place, after a return from Europe, and of course after 
an invitation has been extended; but, as society grows 
larger and larger, the first four visits may be omitted, 
and cards sent if it is impossible to pay the visits 
personally. Most ladies in large cities are invisible ex- 
cept on their days; in this way alone can they hope to 
have any time for their own individual tastes, be these 
what they may — china painting, authorship, embroid- 
ery, or music. So the formal visiting gets to be a 
mere matter of card-leaving; and the witty author who 
suggested that there should be a " clearing-house for 
cards," and who hailed the Casino at Newport as a 
good institution for the same, was not without genius. 
One hates to lose time in this world while greasing 
the machinery, and the formal, perfunctory card-leav- 
ing is little else. 

Could we all have abundant leisure and be sure to 
find our friends at home, what more agreeable busi- 
ness than visiting? To wander from one pleasant in- 
terior to another, to talk a little harmless gossip, to 
hear the last mot, the best piece of news, to see one's 




COUNTRY AND SEA- SHORE VISITING 



A "KARA AVIS. 51 

friends, their children, and the stranger within their 
gates — all this is charming; it is the Utopia of so- 
ciety ; it would be the apotheosis of visiting — if 
*,here were such a thing ! 

Unfortunately, it is impossible. There may be here 
and there a person of such exalted leisure that he 
can keep his accounts to society marked in one of 
those purple satin manuals stamped "Visites," and 
make the proper marks every day under the heads of 
"address," " received," "returned visits," and "recep- 
tion days," but he is a vara avis. 

Certain rules are, however, immutable. A first call 
from a new acquaintance should be speedily returned. 
These are formal calls, and should be made in person 
between the hours of four and six in New York and 
other large cities. Every town has its own hours for 
receiving, however. When calling for the first time on 
several ladies not mother and daughters in one family, 
a card should be left on each. In the first call of the 
season, a lady leaves her own card and those of her 
husband, sons, and daughters. 

A lady has a right to leave her card without asking 
for the lady of the house if it is not her day, or if 
there is any reason — such as bad weather, pressure of 
engagements, or the like — which renders time an im* 
portant matter. 

If ladies are receiving, and she is admitted, the vis- 
itor should leave her husband's cards for the gentle- 
men of the family on the hall table. Strangers stay- 
ing in town who wish to be called upon should send 
their cards by post, with address attached, to those 
whom they would like to see. 



52 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES. 

There is no necessity of calling after a tea or gen- 
eral reception if one has attended the festivity, or 
has left or sent a card on that day. 

For reception days a lady wears a plain, dark, rich 
dress, taking care, however, never to be overdressed 
at home. She rises when her visitors enter, and is 
careful to seat her friends so that she can have a word 
with each. If this is impossible, she keeps her eye on 
the recent arrivals to be sure to speak to every one. 
She is to be forgiven if she pays more attention to the 
aged, to some distinguished stranger, or to some one 
who has the still higher claim of misfortune, or to one 
of a modest and shrinking temperament, than to one 
young, gay, fashionable, and rich. If she neglects 
these fortunate visitors they will not feel it ; if she 
bows low to them and neglects the others, she betrays 
that she is a snob. If a lady is not sure that she is 
known by name to her hostess, she should not fail to 
pronounce her own name. Many ladies send their 
cards to the young brides who have come into a 
iriend's family, and yet who are without personal 
acquaintance. Many, alas ! forget faces, so that a 
name quickly pronounced is a help. In the event of 
an exchange of calls between two ladies who have nev- 
er met (and this has gone on for years in New York, 
sometimes until death has removed one forever), they 
should take an early opportunity of speaking to each 
other at some friend's house ; the younger should ap- 
proach the elder and introduce herself ; it is always 
regarded as a kindness ; or the one who has received 
the first attention should be the first to speak. 

It is well always to leave a card in the hall even if 



"P. P. C. CARDS. 53 

one is received, as it assists the lady's memory in her 
attempts to return these civilities. Cards of condo- 
lence must be returned by a mourning-card sent in an 
envelope at such reasonable time after the death of a 
relative as one can determine again to take up the 
business of society. When the separate card of a 
lady is left, with her reception day printed in one cor- 
ner, two cards of her husband should be left, one for 
the lady, the other for the master, of the house ; but 
after the first call of the season, it is not necessary to 
leave the husband's card, except after a dinner invi- 
tation. It is a convenience, although not a universal 
custom, to have the joint names of husband and wife, 
as " Dr. and Mrs. J. B. Watson," printed on one ca^d. 
to use as a card of condolence or congratulation, 
but not as a visiting-card. These cards are used as 
"P. P. C." cards, and can be sent in an envelope by 
post. Society is rapidly getting over its prejudice 
against sending cards by post. In Europe it is always 
done, and it is much safer. Etiquette and hospitality 
have been reduced to a system in the Old World. It 
would be much more convenient could we do that 
here. Ceremonious visiting is the machinery by which 
an acquaintance is kept up in a circle too large for 
social visiting ; but every lady should try to make one 
or two informal calls each winter on intimate friends. 
These calls can be made in the morning in the plain- 
est walking-dress, and are certainly the most agreeable 
and flattering of all visits. There should be a cessa- 
tion of the habit of kissing, between two ladies, in 
the ceremonious call. 



CHAPTEKrVI. 

INVITATIONS, ACCEPTANCES, AND BEGRETS. 

The engraving of invitation-cards has become the 
important function of more than one enterprising 
firm in every city, so that it seems unnecessary to say 
more than that the most plain and simple style of 
engraving the necessary words is all that is requisite. 

The English ambassador at Rome has a plain, stiff, 
unglazed card of a large size, on which is engraved, 

Sir Augustus and Lady Paget 

request the pleasure of company 

on Thursday evening, November fifteenth, at ten o'clock. 
The favor of an answer is requested. 

The lady of the house writes the name of the in- 
vited guest in the blank space left before the word 
"company." Many entertainers in America keep 
these blanks, or half- engraved invitations, always on 
hand, and thus save themselves the trouble of writing 
the whole card. 

Sometimes, however, ladies prefer to write their 
own dinner invitations. The formula should always 

be, 

Mr. and Mrs. Henry Brown 

request the pleasure of 

Mr. and Mrs. Jones's company at dinner* 

November fifteenth, at seven o'clock, 

132 Blank St. West 



INVITATIONS TO DINNEE. 55 

These invitations should be immediately answered, 
and with a peremptory acceptance or a regret. Never 
enter into any discussion or prevision with a dinner 
invitation. Never write, saying " you will come if 
you do not have to leave town," or that you will " try 
to come," or, if you are a married pair, that you will 
"one of you come." Your hostess wants to know 
exactly who is coming and who isn't, that she may 
arrange her table accordingly. Simply say, 

Mr. and Mrs. James Jones 

accept with pleasure the polite invitation of 

Mr. and Mrs. Henry Brown for dinner 

on November fifteenth, 

at seven o'clock. 

Or if it is written in the first person, accept in the 
same informal manner, but quickly and decisively. 

After having accepted a dinner invitation, if illness 
or any other cause interfere with your going to the 
dinner, send an immediate note to your hostess, that 
she may fill your place. Never selfishly keep the 
place open for yourself if there is a doubt about your 
going. It has often made or marred the pleasure of 
a dinner-party, this hesitancy on the part of a guest 
to send in time to her hostess her regrets, caused by 
the illness of her child, or the coming on of a cold, or 
a death in the family, or any other calamity. Re- 
member always that a dinner is a most formal affair, 
that it is the highest social compliment, that its hap- 
py fulfilment is of the greatest importance to the 
hostess, and that it must be met in the same formal 
spirit. It precludes, on her part, the necessity of hav- 
ing to make a first call, if she be the older resident. 



56 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES. 

although she generally calls first. Some young neo- 
phytes in society, having been asked to a dinner where 
the elderly lady who gave it had forgotten to enclose 
her card, asked if they should call afterwards. Of 
course they were bound to do so, although their 
hostess should have called or enclosed her card. 
However, one invitation to dinner is better than 
many cards as a social compliment. 

We have been asked by many, " To whom should 
the answer to an invitation be addressed?" If Mr. 
and Mrs. Brown invite you, answer Mr. and Mrs. 
Brown. If Mrs. John Jones asks you to a wedding, 
answer Mrs. John Jones. Another of our correspond- 
ents asks, " Shall I respond to the lady of the house 
or to the bride if asked to a wedding ?" This seems 
so impossible a confusion that we should not think of 
mentioning so self-evident a fact had not the doubt 
arisen. One has nothing to say to the bride in an- 
swering such an invitation ; the answer is to be sent 
to the hostess, who writes. 

Always carefully observe the formula of your invi- 
tation, and answer it exactly. As to the card of the 
English ambassador, a gentleman should write : "Mr. 
Algernon Gracie will do himself the honor to accept 
the invitation of Sir Augustus and Lady Paget." In 
America he would be a trifle less formal, saying, 
"Mr. Algernon Gracie will have much pleasure in 
accepting the polite invitation of Mr. and Mrs. Henry 
Brown." We notice that on all English cards the 
"R. S. V. P." is omitted, and that a plain line of Eng- 
lish script is engraved, saying, "The favor of an an 
swer is requested." 



GENTLEMEN* MUST rc REQUEST THE PLEASURE. ' 57 

In this country the invitations to a dinner are al« 
ways in the name of both host and hostess, but invi- 
tations to a ball, " at home," a tea, or garden-party, are 
in the name of the hostess alone. At a wedding the 
names of both host and hostess are given. And if a 
father entertains for his daughters, he being a wid- 
ower, his name appears alone for her wedding ; but 
if his eldest daughter presides over his household, his 
and her name appear together for dinners, receptions, 
and "at homes." Many widowed fathers, however, 
omit the names of their daughters on the invitation. 
A young lady at the head of her father's house may, 
if she is no longer very young, issue her own cards 
for a tea. It is never proper for very young ladies 
to invite gentlemen in their own name to visit at the 
house, call on them, or to come to dinner. The invi- 
tation must come from the father, mother, or chap- 
eron. 

At the Assembly, Charity ball, or any public af- 
fair, the word "ball " is used, but no lady invites you 
to a "ball" at her own house. The words "At 
Home/' with "Cotillon" or "Dancing" in one cor- 
ner, and the hour and date, alone are necessary. If 
it is to be a small, informal dance, the word "Infor- 
mal" should be engraved in one corner. Officers of the 
army and navy giving a ball, members of the hunt, 
bachelors, members of a club, heads of committees, 
always " request the pleasure " or " the honor of 
your company." It is not proper for a gentleman to 
describe himself as " at home ;" he must " request 
the pleasure." A rich bachelor of Utopia who gave 
many entertainments made this mistake, and sent a 



58 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES. 

card — "Mr. Horatio Brown. At Home. Tuesday, 
November fourteenth. Tea at four " — to a lady who 
had been an ambassadress. She immediately replied : 
Mrs. Rousby is very glad to hear that Mr. Horatio 
Brown is at home — she hopes that he will stay there ; 
but of what possible consequence is that to Mrs. 
Rousby ?" This was a piece of rough wit, but it told 
the young man of his mistake. Another card, issued 
with the singular formula, "Mrs. Ferguson hopes to 
see Mrs. Rousby at the church," on the occasion of 
the wedding of a daughter, brought forth the rebuke, 
" Nothing is so deceitful as human hope." The phrase 
is an improper one. Mrs. Ferguson should have " re- 
quested the pleasure." 

In asking for an invitation to a ball for friends, 
ladies must be cautious not to intrude too far, or to 
feel offended if refused. Often a hostess has a larger 
list than she can fill, and she is not able to ask all 
whom she would wish to invite. Therefore a very 
great discretion is to be observed on the part of those 
who ask a favor. A lady may always request an invi- 
tation for distinguished strangers, or for a young dan- 
cing man (who must be able to dance the deux temps), if 
she can answer for him in every way, but rarely for a 
married couple, and hardly ever for a couple living in 
the same city, unless newly arrived. 

Invitations to evening or day receptions are general- 
ly " at home" cards. A lady may use her own visiting- 
cards for five-o'clock tea. For other entertainments, 
"Music," "Lawn-tennis," " Garden-party," or " Read- 
ings and Recitals " may be engraved in one corner 
or written in by the lady herself. 



INVITATIONS TO LADIES' LUNCHES. 59 

As for wedding invitations, they are almost invari- 
ably sent out by the parents of the bride, engraved in 
small script on note-paper. The style can always be 
obtained of a fashionable engraver. They should be 
sent out a fortnight before the wedding-day, and are 
not to be answered unless the guests are requested to 
attend a " sit-down" breakfast, when the answer must be 
as explicit as to a dinner. Those who cannot attend 
the wedding send or leave their visiting-cards either 
on the day of the wedding or soon after. Invitations 
to a luncheon are generally written by the hostess on 
note-paper, and should be rather informal, as lunch- 
eon is an informal meal. However, nowadays ladies' 
luncheons have become such grand, consequential, and 
expensive affairs, that invitations are engraved and 
sent out a fortnight in advance, and answered imme- 
diately. There is the same etiquette as at dinner ob- 
served at these formal luncheons. There is such a 
thing, however, as a " stand-up " luncheon — a sort of 
reception with banquet, from which one could absent 
one's self without being missed. 

Punctuality in keeping all engagements is a feature 
of a well-bred character, in society as well as in busi- 
ness, and it cannot be too thoroughly insisted upon. 

In sending a " regret " be particular to word your 
note most respectfully. Never write the word "re- 
grets" on your card unless you wish to insult your 
hostess. Send a card without any pencilling upon it, 
or write a note, thus: "Mrs. Brown regrets that a 
previous engagement will deprive her of the pleasure 
of accepting the polite invitation of Mrs. Jones." 

No one should, in the matter of accepting or refus« 



60 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES. 

ing an invitation, economize his politeness. It is bet- 
ter to err on the other side. Your friend has done 
his best in inviting you. 

The question is often asked us, " Should invitations 
be sent to people in mourning?" Of course they 
should. No one would knowingly intrude on a house 
in which there is or has been death within a month ; 
but after that, although it is an idle compliment, it is 
one which must be paid ; it is a part of the machinery 
of society. As invitations are now directed by the 
hundreds by hired amanuenses, a lady should careful- 
ly revise her list, in order that no names of persons 
deceased may be written on her cards ; but the mem- 
bers of the family who remain, and who have suffered 
a loss, should be carefully remembered, and should 
pot be pained by seeing the name of one who has de- 
parted included in the invitations or wedding-cards. 
People in deep mourning are not invited to dinners or 
luncheons, but for weddings and large entertainments 
cards are sent as a token of remembrance and compli- 
ment. After a year of mourning the bereaved family 
should send out cards with a narrow black edge to all 
who have remembered them. 

Let it be understood that in all countries a -card 
sent by a private hand in an envelope is equivalent 
to a visit. In England one sent by post is equivalent 
to a visit, excepting after a dinner. Nothing is pen- 
cilled on a card sent by post, except the three letters 
M P. P. C." No such words as " accepts," "declines," 
w regrets " should be written on a card. As much ill- 
will is engendered in New York by the loss of cards 
for large receptions and the like, some of which the 



SENDING INVITATIONS BY MAIL. 61 

messenger-boys fling into the gutter, it is a thousand 
pities that we cannot agree to send all invitations by 
mail. People always get letters that are sent by post, 
particularly those which they could do without. Why 
should they not get their more interesting letters that 
contain invitations? It is considered thoroughly re- 
spectful in England, and as our people are fond of 
copying that stately etiquette, why should they not 
follow this sensible part of it ? 

It is in every sense as complimentary to send a let- 
ter by the post as by the dirty fingers of a hired mes- 
senger. Very few people in this country can afford 
to send by their own servants, who, again, rarely find 
the right address. 



CHAPTER Vn. 

CARDS OF COMPLIMENT, COURTESY, CONDOLENCE, AND 
CONGRATULATION. 

A distinguished lady of New York, on recovering 
from a severe illness, issued a card which is a new de- 
parture. In admiring its fitness and the need which 
has existed for just such a card, we wonder that none 
of us have before invented something so compact and 
stately, pleasing and proper — that her thought had not 
been our thought. It reads thus, engraved in elegant 
script, plain and modest: " Mrs. presents her com- 
pliments and thanks for recent kind inquiries." This 
card, sent in an envelope which bears the family crest 
as a seal, reached all those who had left cards and in- 
quiries for a useful and eminent member of society, 
who lay for weeks trembling between life and death. 

This card is an attention to her large circle of anx- 
ious friends which only a kind-hearted woman would 
have thought of, and yet the thought was all; for after 
that the engraver and the secretary could do the rest, 
showing what a labor-saving invention it is to a busy 
woman who is not yet sufficiently strong to write notes 
to all who had felt for her severe suffering. The first 
joy of convalescence is of gratitude, and the second 
that we have created an interest and compassion among 
our friends, and that we were not alone as we struggled 



COMPLIMENTARY CARDS. 63 

with disease. Therefore we may well recommend that 
this card should become a fashion. It meets a uni- 
versal want. 

This may be called one of the "cards of compli- 
ment" — a phase of card-leaving to which we have 
hardly reached in this country. ^ It is even more, it is 
a heartfelt and friendly blossom of etiquette, "just 
out," as we say of the apple-blossoms. 

Now as to the use of it by the afflicted: why would 
it not be well for persons who have lost a friend also 

to have such a card engraved? "Mr. R begs to 

express his thanks for your kind sympathy in his re- 
cent bereavement," etc. It would save a world of 
letter-writing to a person who does not care to write 
letters, and it would be a very pleasant token to re- 
ceive when all other such tokens are impossible. For 
people leave their cards on a mourner, and never know 
whether they have been received or not. Particularly 
is this true of apartment-houses; and when people live 
in hotels, who knows whether the card ever reaches its 
destination ? We generally find that it has not done 
so, if we have the courage to make the inquiry. 

Those cards which we send by a servant to make 
the necessary inquiries for a sick friend, for the happy 
mother and the new-born baby, are essentially " cards 
of compliment." In excessively ceremonious circles 
the visits of ceremony on these occasions are very 
elaborate — as at the Court of Spain, for instance; and 
a lady of New York was once much amused at receiv- 
ing the card of a superb Spanish official, who called on 
her newly arrived daughter when the latter was three 
days old, leaving a card for the " new daughter." He 



64 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES. 

of course left a card for the happy mamma, and did 
not ask to go farther than the door, but he came in 
state. 

In England the " family " were wont to send christen- 
ing cards after a birth, but this has never been the fash- 
ion in this country, and it is disappearing in England. 
The complimentary card issued for such events is now 
generally an invitation to partake of caudle — a very 
delicious porridge made of oatmeal and raisins, brandy, 
spices, and sugar, and formally served in the lady's 
chamber before the month's seclusion is broken. It 
will be remembered that Tom Thumb was dropped 
into a bowl of fermity, which many antiquarians sup- 
pose to have been caudle. Nowadays a caudle party 
is a very gay, dressy affair, and given about six weeks 
after young master or mistress is ready to be congratu- 
lated or condoled with on his or her entrance upon this 
mundane sphere. We find in English books of etiquette 
very formal directions as to these cards of compliment. 
" Cards to inquire after friends during illness must be 
left in person, and not sent by post. On a lady's visit- 
ing-card must be written above the printed name, 'To 
inquire,' and nothing else should be added to these 
words." 

For the purpose of returning thanks, printed cards 
are used with the owner's name written above the 
printed words. These printed cards are generally sent 
by post, as they are despatched while the person in- 
quired after is still an invalid. These cards are also 
used to convey the intelligence of the sender's recovery. 
Therefore they would not be sent while the person was 
in danger or seriously ill. 



CARDS OF CONDOLENCE. 65 

But this has always seemed to us a very poor and 
business-like way of returning " kind inquiries." The 
printed card looks cheap. Far better the engraved 

and carefully prepared card of Mrs. , which has 

the effect of a personal compliment. 

We do not in this country send those hideous funeral 
or memorial cards which are sold in England at every 
stationer's to apprise one's friends of a death in the 
family. There is no need of this, as the newspapers 
spread the sad intelligence. 

There is, however, a very elaborate paper called a 
"/aire part" issued in both England and France after 
a death, in which the mourner announces to you the 
lamented decease of some person connected with him. 
Also on the occasion of a marriage, these elaborate pa- 
pers, engraved on a large sheet of letter-paper, are sent 
to all one's acquaintances in England and on the Con- 
tinent. 

Cards of condolence can be left the week after the 
event which occasions them. Personal visits are only 
made by relatives or very intimate friends, who will 
of course be their own judges of the propriety of 
speaking fully of the grief which has desolated the 
house. The cards are left at the door by the person 
inquiring for the afflicted persons, and one card is as 
good as half a dozen. It is not necessary to deluge a 
mourning family with cards. These cards need not 
be returned for a year, unless our suggestion be fol- 
lowed, and the card engraved as we have indicated, 
and then sent by post. It is not yet a fashion, but it 
is in the air, and deserves to be one. 

Cards of congratulation are left in person, and if the 



66 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES. 

ladies are at home the visitor should go in, and be 
hearty in his or her good wishes. For such visits a 
card sent by post would, among intimate friends, be 
considered cold-blooded. It must at least be left in 
person. 

Now as to cards of ceremony. These are to be for- 
warded to those who have sent invitations to weddings, 
carefully addressed to the person who invites you; also 
after an entertainment to which you have been asked, 
within a week after a dinner (this must be a personal 
visit), and on the lady's " day," if she has one; and we 
may add here that if on making a call a lady sees that 
she is not recognized, she should hasten to give her 
name. (This in answer to many inquiries.) Only 
calls of pure ceremony are made by handing in cards, 
as at a tea or general reception, etc. When cards have 
been left once in the season they need not be left 
again. 

Under the mixed heads of courtesy and compliment 
should be those calls made to formally announce a be- 
trothal. The parents leave the cards of the betrothed 
pair, with their own, on all the connections and friends 
of the two families. This is a formal announcement, 
and all who receive this intimation should make a con- 
gratulatory visit if possible. 

As young people are often asked without their par- 
ents, the question arises, What should the parents do 
to show their sense of this attention? They should 
leave or send their cards with those of their children 
who have received the invitation. These are cards of 
courtesy. Cards ought not to be left on the daughters 
of a family without also including the parents in cour- 



CARDS OF CEREMONY. 67 

teous formality. Gentlemen, when calling on any 
number of ladies, send in only one card, and cards left 
on a reception day where a person is visiting are not 
binding on the visitor to return. No separate card is 
left on a guest on reception days. 

When returning visits of ceremony, as the first visit 
after a letter of introduction, or as announcing your 
arrival in town or your intended departure, one may 
leave a card at the door without inquiring for the lady. 

Attention to these little things is a proof at once of 
self-respect and of respect for one's friends. They 
soon become easy matters of habit, and of memory. 
To the well-bred they are second nature. No one who 
is desirous of pleasing in society should neglect them. 

A lady should never call on a gentleman unless pro- 
fessionally or officially. She should knock at his door, 
send in her card, and be as ceremonious as possible, if 
lawyer, doctor, or clergyman. On entering a crowded 
drawing-room it may be impossible to find the hostess 
at once, so that in many fine houses in New York the 
custom of announcing the name has become a neces- 
sary fashion. It is impossible to attempt to be polite 
without cultivating a good memory. The absent or 
self-absorbed person who forgets namls and faces, who 
recalls unlucky topics, confuses relationships, speaks of 
the dead as if they were living, or talks about an un- 
lucky adventure in the family, who plunges into per- 
sonalities, who metaphorically treads on a person's toes, 
will never succeed in society. He must consider his 
" cards of courtesy." 

The French talk of "la politesse du foyer " They 
are full of it. Small sacrifices, little courtesies, a kind- 



68 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES. 

ly spirit, insignificant attentions, self-control, an allow- 
ance for the failings of others — these go to make up 
the elegance of life. True politeness has its roots very- 
deep. We should not cultivate politeness merely from 
a wish to please, but because we would consider the 
feelings and spare the time of others. Cards of com- 
pliment and courtesy, therefore, save time as well as 
express a kindly remembrance. Everything in our 
busy world — or " whirl," as some people call it — that 
does these two things is a valuable discovery. 

A card is always sent with flowers, books, bonbon- 
nieres, game, sweetmeats, fruits — any of the small 
gifts which are freely offered among intimate friends. 
But in acknowledging these gifts or attentions a card 
is not a sufficient return. Nor is it proper to write 
" regrets " or " accepts " on a card. A note should 
be written in either case. 

A card of any sort must be scrupulously plain. 
Wedding cards should be as simple and unostentatious 
as possible. 

The ceremony of paying visits and of leaving cards 
has been decided by the satirist as meaningless, stupid, 
and useless; but it underlies the very structure of so- 
ciety. Visits of form, visits of ceremony, are abso- 
lutely necessary. You can hardly invite people to 
your house until you have called and have left a card. 
And thus one has a safeguard against intrusive and 
undesirable acquaintances. To stop an acquaintance, 
one has but to stop leaving cards. It is thus done 
quietly but securely. 

Gentlemen who have no time to call should be repre- 
sented by their cards. These may well be trusted to 



CARDS INDISPENSABLE. 69 

the hands of wife, mother, daughter, sister, but should 
be punctiliously left. 

The card may well be noted as belonging only to a 
high order of development. No monkey, no " missing 
link," no Zulu, no savage, carries a card. It is the 
tool of civilization, its "field-mark and device." It 
may be improved; it may be, and has been, abused; 
but it cannot be dispensed with under our present en- 
vironment. Of course, there are differences of opinion 
as to the size and shape of cards, when they should be 
left, and so on, but the general and inherent principles 
of good etiquette are all mentioned in these chapters. 



CHAPTER VIII. 

THE ETIQUETTE OF WEDDINGS. 

Scarcely a week passes during the year that the 
fashionable journals do not publish " answers to cor- 
respondents" on that subject of all others most in- 
teresting to young ladies, the etiquette of weddings. 
No book can tell the plain truth with sufficient em- 
phasis, that the etiquette at a grand wedding is al- 
ways the same. The next day some one writes to a 
newspaper again, 

"Shall the bridegroom wear a dress -coat at the 
hour of eleven a.m., and who pays for the wedding- 
cards ?" Always the bride's family. The wedding of 
to-day in England has "set the fashion" for America. 
No man ever puts on a dress - coat before his seven- 
o'clock dinner, therefore every bridegroom is dressed in 
a frock-coat and light trousers of any pattern he pleases; 
in other words, he wears a formal morning dress, drives 
to the church with his best man, and awaits the arrival 
of the bride in the vestry-room. He may wear gloves 
or not as he chooses. The best man is the intimate 
friend, sometimes the brother, of the groom. He 
accompanies him to the church, as we have said, fol- 
lows him to the altar, stands at his right hand a 
little behind him, and holds his hat during the mar- 
riage-service. After that is ended he pays the cler- 



FORMS OBSERVED AT WEDDINGS. 71 

gyman's fee, accompanies, in a coupe by himself, the 
bridal party home, and then assists the ushers to in- 
troduce friends to the bridal pair. 

The bridegroom is allowed to make what presents 
he pleases to the bride, and to send something in the 
nature of a fan, a locket, a ring, or a bouquet to the 
bridesmaids; he has also to buy the wedding-ring, 
and, of course, he sends a bouquet to the bride and to 
the bridesmaids ; but he is not to furnish cards or 
carriages or the wedding-breakfast ; this is all done 
by the bride's family. In England the groom is ex- 
pected to drive the bride away in his own carriage, 
but in America even that is not often allowed. 

The bride meantime is dressed in gorgeous array, 
generally in white satin, with veil of point-lace and 
orange blossoms, and is driven to the church in a car- 
riage with her father, who gives her away. Her 
mother and other relatives having preceded her take 
the front seats. Her bridesmaids should also precede 
her, and await her in the chancel of the church. 

The ushers then proceed to form the procession 
with which almost all city weddings are begun. The 
ushers first, two and two ; then the bridesmaids, two 
and two ; then some pretty children — bridesmaids un- 
der ten ; and then the bride, leaning on her father's 
right arm. Sometimes the child bridesmaids precede 
the others. As the cortege reaches the lowest altar- 
step the ushers break ranks and go to the right and 
left ; the bridesmaids also separate, going to the right 
and left, leaving a space for the bridal pair. As the 
bride reaches the lowest step the bridegroom ad- 
vances, takes her by her right hand, and conducts her 



72 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES. 

to the altar, where they both kneel. The clergyman, 
being already in his place, signifies to them when to 
rise, and then proceeds to make the twain one. 

The bridal pair walk down the aisle arm-in arm, 
and are immediately conducted to the carriage and 
driven home ; the rest follow. In some cases, but 
rarely in this country, a bridal register is signed in 
the vestry. 

Formerly brides removed the whole glove; now 
they adroitly cut the finger of the left-hand glove, so 
that they can remove that without pulling off the 
whole glove for the ring. Such is a church wedding, 
performed a thousand times alike. The organ peals 
forth the wedding-march, the clergyman pronounces 
the necessary vows to slow music, or not, as the con- 
tracting parties please. Music, however, adds very 
much to this ceremony. In a marriage at home, the 
bridesmaids and best man are usually dispensed with. 
The clergyman enters and faces the company, the 
bridal pair follow and face him. After the ceremony 
the clergyman retires, and the wedded pair receive 
congratulations. 

An attempt has been made in America to introduce 
the English fashion of a wedding-breakfast. It is 
not as yet acclimated, but it is, perhaps, well to de- 
scribe here the proper etiquette. The gentlemen and 
ladies who are asked to this breakfast should be ap- 
prised of that honor a fortnight in advance, and 
should accept or decline immediately, as it has all the 
formality of a dinner, and seats are, of course, very 
important. On arriving at the house where the break- 
fast is to be held, the gentlemen leave their hats in 



DRINKING HEALTHS. 73 

the hall, but ladies do not remove their bonnets. Af< 
ter greeting the bride and bridegroom, and the father 
and mother, the company converse for a few moments 
until breakfast is announced. Then the bride and 
groom go first, followed by the bride's father with 
the groom's mother, then the groom's father with 
the bride's mother, then the best man with the first 
bridesmaid, then the bridesmaids with ushers, who 
have been invited for this honor, and then the other 
invited guests, as the bride's mother has arranged. 
Bouillon, salads, birds, oysters, and other hot and 
cold dishes, ices, jellies, etc., are served at this 
breakfast, together with champagne and other 
wines, and finally the wedding - cake is set before 
the bride, and she cuts a slice. Coffee is served 
last. 

The health of the bride and groom is then proposed 
by the gentleman chosen for this office, generally the 
father of the groom, and responded to by the father 
of the bride. The groom is sometimes expected to 
respond, and he proposes the health of the brides- 
maids, for which the best man returns thanks. Unless; 
all are unusually happy speakers, this is apt to be awk- 
ward, and " stand-up " breakfasts are far more com- 
monly served, as the French say, en buffet. In the 
first place, the possibility of asking more people com- 
mends this latter practice, and it is far less trouble to 
serve a large, easy collation to a number of people 
standing about than to furnish what is really a din- 
ner to a number sitting down. 

Wedding presents are sent any time within two 
months before the wedding, the earlier the better, as 



*74 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES. 

many brides like to arrange their own tables artisti 
cally, if the presents are shown. Also, all brides 
should write a personal note thanking each giver for 
his gift, be it large or small. 

Wedding presents have now become almost absurd- 
ly gorgeous. The old fashion, which was started 
among the frugal Dutch, of giving the young couple 
their household gear and a sum of money with which 
to begin, has now degenerated into a very bold dis- 
play of wealth and ostentatious generosity, so that 
friends of moderate means are afraid to send any- 
thing. Even the cushion on which a wealthy bride 
in New York was lately expected to kneel was so 
elaborately embroidered with pearls that she visibly 
hesitated to press it with her knee at the altar. Sil- 
ver and gold services, too precious to be trusted to 
ordinary lock and key, are displayed at the wedding 
and immediately sent off to some convenient safe, 
This is one of the necessary and inevitable over- 
growths of a luxury which we have not yet learned 
to manage. In France they do things better, those 
nearest of kin subscribing a sum of money, which 
is sent to the bride's mother, who expends it in 
the bridal trousseau, or in jewels or silver, as the 
bride pleases. 

So far has this custom transcended good taste that 
now many persons of refined minds hesitate to show 
the presents. 

After giving an hour and a half to her guests, the 
bride retires to change her dress ; generally her most 
intimate friends accompany her. She soon returns 
in her travelling-dress, and is met at the foot of the 



WEDDING-FAVORS. 75 

stairs by the groom, who has also changed his dress. 
The father, mother, and intimate friends kiss the 
bride, and, as the happy pair drive off, a shower of 
satin slippers and rice follows them. If one slippei 
alights on the top of the carriage, luck is assured to 
them forever. 

Wedding-cake is no longer sent about. It is neatly 
packed in boxes ; each guest takes one, if she likes, as 
she leaves the house. 

Wedding-favors made of white ribbon and artifi- 
cial flowers are indispensable in England, but Amer- 
ica has had the good taste to abjure them until lately. 
Such ornaments are used for the horses' ears and the 
servants' coats in this country. Here the groom wears 
a boutonnilre of natural flowers. 

A widow should never be accompanied by brides- 
maids, or wear a veil or orange-blossoms at her mar- 
riage. She should at church wear a colored silk and 
a bonnet. She should be attended by her father, 
brother, or some near friend. 

It is proper for her to remove her first wedding- 
ring, as the wearing of that cannot but be painful to 
the bridegroom. 

If married at home, the widow bride may wear a 
light silk and be bonnetless, but she should not in- 
dulge in any of the signs of first bridal. 

It is an exploded idea that of allowing every one to 
kiss the bride. It is only meet that the near rela« 
tives do that. 

The formula for wedding-cards is generally this : 



76 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES. 

Mr. and Mrs. Brown 

request the pleasure of your company 

at the wedding of their daughter Maria to John Stanley, 

at Ascension Church, 

on Tuesday, November fifteenth, 

at two o'clock. 

These invitations are engraved on note-paper. 

If friends are invited to a wedding-breakfast or* 
a reception at the house, that fact is stated on a 
separate card, which is enclosed in the same enve- 
lope. 

Of course in great cities, with a large acquaintance, 
many are asked to the church and not to the house. 
This fact should never give offence. 

The smaller card runs in this fashion : 

Reception 
at 99 B Street, at half-past two. 

To these invitations the invited guests make no re- 
sponse save to go or to leave cards. All invited 
guests, however, are expected to call on the young 
couple and to invite them during the year. 

Of course there ,are quieter weddings and very 
simple arrangements as to serving refreshments : a 
wedding - cake and a decanter of sherry often are 
alone offered to the witnesses of a wedding. 

Many brides prefer to be married in travelling- 
dress and hat, and leave immediately, without con- 
gratulations. 

The honey-moon in our busy land is usually only a 
fortnight in the sky, and some few bridal pairs prefer 
to spend it at the quiet country house of a friend, as 



SUITABLE TIME FOR MARRIAGE. 77 

is the English fashion. But others make a hurried 
trip to Niagara, or to the Thousand Islands, or go 
to Europe, as the case may be. It is extraordinary 
that none stay at home; in beginning a new life all 
agree that a change of place is the first requisite. 

After the return home, bridal dinners and parties 
are offered to the bride, and she is treated with dis- 
tinction for three months. Her path is often strewed 
with flowers from the church to her own door, and it is, 
metaphorically, so adorned during the first few weeks 
of married life. Every one hastens to welcome her to 
her new condition, and she has but to smile and ac- 
cept the amiable congratulations and attentions which 
are showered upon her. Let her parents remember, 
however, in sending cards after the wedding, to let 
the bride's friends know where she can be found in 
her married estate. 

Now as to the time for the marriage. There is 
something exquisitely poetical in the idea of a June 
weddkig. It is the very month for the softer emo- 
tions and for the wedding journey. In England it is 
the favorite month for marriages. May is consid- 
ered unlucky, and in an old almanac of 1678 we find 
the following notice : " Times prohibiting marriage : 
Marriage comes in on the 13th day of January and 
at Septuagesima Sunday; it is out again until Low 
Sunday, at which time it comes in again and goes not 
out until Rogation Sunday. Thence it is forbidden 
until Trinity Sunday, from whence it is unforbidden 
until Advent Sunday; but then it goes out and comes 
not in again until the i3th of January next follow- 
ing." 



78 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES. 

Our brides have, however, all seasons for their own, 
excepting May, as we have said, and Friday, an un- 
lucky day. The month of roses has very great rec- 
ommendations. The ceremony is apt to be performed 
in the country at a pretty little church, which lends 
its altar-rails gracefully to wreaths, and whose Gothic 
windows open upon green lawns and trim gardens. 
The bride and her maids can walk over the delicate 
sward without soiling their slippers, and an opportu- 
nity offers for carrying parasols made entirely of flow- 
ers. But if it is too far to walk, the bride is driven 
to church in her father's carriage with him alone, 
her mother, sisters, and bridesmaids having preceded 
her. In England etiquette requires that the bride 
and groom should depart from the church in the 
groom's carriage. It is strict etiquette there that the 
groom furnish the carriage with which they return 
to the wedding-breakfast and afterwards depart in 
state, with many wedding-favors on the horses' heads, 
and huge white bouquets on the breasts of coachman 
and footman. 

It is in England, also, etiquette to drive with four 
horses to the place where the honey -moon is to be 
spent ; but in America the drive is generally to the 
nearest railway-station. 

Let us give a further sketch of the duties of the 
best man. He accompanies the groom to the church 
and stands near him, waiting at the altar, until the 
bride arrives ; then he holds the groom's hat. He 
signs the register afterwards as witness, and pays the 
clergyman's fee, and then follows the bridal proces- 
sion out of the church, joining the party at the house. 



DUTIES OF THE BEST MAH. 79 

where he still further assists the groom by present- 
ing the guests. The bridesmaids sometimes form a 
line near the door at a June wedding, allowing the 
bride to walk through this pretty alley-way to the 
church. 

The bridegroom's relatives sit at the right of the 
altar or communion rails, thus being on the bride- 
groom's right hand, and those of the bride sit on the 
left, at the bride's left hand. The bridegroom and 
best man stand on the clergyman's left hand at the 
altar. The bride is taken by her right hand by the 
groom, and of course stands on his left hand ; her fa- 
ther stands a little behind her. Sometimes the female 
relatives stand in the chancel with the bridal group, 
but this can only happen in a very large church ; and 
the rector must arrange this, as in high churches the 
marriages take place outside the chancel. 

After the ceremony is over the clergyman bends 
over and congratulates the young people. The bride 
then takes the left arm of the groom, and passes 
down the aisle, followed by her bridesmaids and the 
ushers. 

Some of our correspondents have asked us what the 
best man is doing at this moment ? Probably waiting 
in the vestry, or, if not, he hurries down a side aisle, 
gets into a carriage, and drives to the house where the 
wedding reception is to be held. 

October is a good month for both city and country 
weddings. In our climate, the brilliant October days, 
not too warm, are admirable for the city guests, who 
are invited to a country place for the wedding, and cer- 
tainly it is a pleasant season for the wedding journey, 



80 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES. 

Travelling costumes for brides in England are very 
elegant, even showy. Velvet, and even light silks 
and satins, are used ; but in our country plain cloth 
and cashmere costumes are more proper and more 
'ashionable. 

For weddings in families where a death has recently 
occurred, all friends, even the widowed mother, should 
lay aside their mourning for the ceremony, appearing 
in colors. It is considered unlucky and inappropriate 
to wear black at a wedding. In our country a wid- 
owed mother appears at her daughter's wedding in 
purple velvet or silk ; in England she wears deep 
cardinal red, which is considered, under these circum- 
stances, to be mourning, or proper for a person who 
is in mourning. 

We should add that ushers and groomsmen are un- 
known at an English wedding. The sexton of the 
church performs the functions which are attended to 
here by ushers. 

Note. — The young people who are about to be married make 
a list together as to whom cards should be sent, and all cards 
go from the young lady's family. No one thinks it strange to 
get cards for a wedding. A young lady should write a note of 
thanks to every one who sends her a present before she leaves 
home ; all her husband's friends, relatives, etc., all her own, 
and to people whom she does not know these notes should es- 
pecially be written, as their gifts may be prompted by a sense of 
kindness to her parents or her fiance, which she should recog- 
nize. It is better taste to write these notes on note-paper than 
on cards. It is not necessary to send cards to each member of 
a family ; include them all under the head of "Mr. and Mrs. 
Brown and family." It would be proper for a young lady to 
send her cards to a physician under whose care she has been if 



NOTE OF THANKS FOR WEDDING PRESENTS. 81 

she was acquainted with him socially, but it is not expected 
when the acquaintance is purely professional. A fashionable 
and popular physician would be swamped with wedding-cards 
if that were the custom. If, however, one wishes to show grati- 
tude and remembrance, there would be no impropriety in send- 
ing cards to such a gentleman. 

Gentlemen have discarded jewelry almost entirely in the 
year 1900, and as for morning dress at church, they even wear 
calico shirts, with white collar and cuffs. At a fashionable 
wedding one of the ushers, a very stylish man, wore a pink 
shirt. The rest of his costume — gray trousers, dark vest, Prince 
Albert coat — was perfect; his white foulard cravat had a little 
pearl pin in it, but the pink shirt was visible. The use of the 
Tuxedo or house coat, or jacket, is increasing ; it takes the 
place of the swallowtail for Sunday evening teas, small din- 
ners, and informal gatherings. 



CHAPTER IX. 

"who pays for the cards?"* 

We have received a number of letters from our 
correspondents asking whether the groom pays for 
the wedding cards. This question we have answered 
so often in the negative that we think it well to ex- 
plain the philosophy of the etiquette of weddings, 
which is remotely founded on the early savage history 
of mankind, and which bears fruit in our later and 
more complex civilization, still reminding us of the 
past. In early and in savage days the man sought his 
bride heroically, and carried her off by force. The 
Tartar still does this, and the idea only was improved 
in patriarchal days by the purchase of the bride by 
the labor of her husband, or by his wealth in flocks 
and herds. It is still a theory that the bride is thus 
carried off. Always, therefore, the idea has been cher- 
ished that the bride is something carefully guarded, 
and the groom is looked upon as a sort of friendly 
enemy, who comes to take away the much-prized ob- 
ject from her loving and jealous family. Thus the 
long-cherished theory bears fruit in the English cere- 
monial, where the only carriage furnished by the groom 
is the one in which he drives the bride away to the 

* The bride's family. 



THE GROOM SHOULD NOT ATTEMPT TOO MUCH. 83 

spending of the honeymoon. Up to that time he has 
had no rights of proprietorship. Even this is not 
allowed in America among fashionable people, the 
bride's father sending them in his own carriage on the 
first stage of their journey. It is not etiquette for 
the groom to furnish anything for his own wedding 
but the ring and a bouquet for the bride, presents for 
the bridesmaids and the best man, and some token to 
the ushers. He pays the clergyman. 

He should not pay for the cards, the carriages, the 
entertainment, or anything connected with the wed- 
ding. This is decided in the high court of etiquette. 
That is the province of the family of the bride, and 
should be insisted upon. If they are not able to do 
this, there should be no wedding and no cards. It is 
better for a portionless girl to go to the altar in a 
travelling dress, and to send out no sort of invitations 
or wedding cards, than to allow the groom to pay for 
them. This is not to the disparagement of the rights 
of the groom. It is simply a proper and universal 
etiquette. 

At the altar the groom, if he is a millionaire, makes 
his wife his equal by saying, "With all my worldly 
goods I thee endow ;" but until he has uttered these 
words she has no claim on his purse for clothes, or 
cards, or household furnishing, or anything but those 
articles which come under the head of such gifts as it 
is a lover's province to give. 

A very precise, old-time aristocrat of New York 
broke her daughter's engagement to a gentleman be- 
cause he brought her a dress from Paris. She said, if 
he did not know enough not to give her daughter 



84 MANNEKS AND SOCIAL USAGES. 

clothes while she was under her roof, he should not 
have her. 

This is an exaggerated feeling, but the principle is 
a sound one. The position of a woman is so delicate, 
the relations of engaged people so uncertain, that it 
would bring about an awkwardness if the gentleman 
were to pay for the shoes, the gowns, the cards of his 
betrothed. 

Suppose, as was the case twice last winter, that an 
engagement of marriage is broken after the cards are 
out. Who is to repay the bridegroom if he has paid 
for the cards ? Should the father of the bride send 
him a check? That would be very insulting, yet a 
family would feel nervous about being under pecuniary 
indebtedness to a discarded son-in-law. The lady can 
return her ring and the gifts her lover has made her ; 
they have suffered no contact that will injure them. 
But she could not return shoes or gowns or bonnets. 

It is therefore wisely ordered by etiquette that the 
lover be allowed to pay for nothing that could not be 
returned to him without loss, if the engagement were 
dissolved, even on the wedding morning. 

Of course in primitive life the lover may pay for 
his lady-love, as we will say in the case of a pair of 
young people who come together in a humble station. 
Such marriages are common in America, and many of 
these pairs have mounted to the very highest social 
rank. But they must not attempt anything which is 
in imitation of the etiquette of fashionable life unless 
they can do it well and thoroughly. 

Nothing is more honorable than a marriage cele- 
brated in the presence only of father, mother, and 



CONDUCT OF ENGAGED COUPLES. 85 

priest. Two young people unwilling or unable to 
have splendid dresses, equipages, cards, and ceremony, 
can always be married this way, and go to the Senate 
or White House afterwards. They are not hampered 
by it hereafter. But the bride should never forget 
her dignity. She should never let the groom pay for 
cards, or for anything, unless it is the marriage license, 
wherever it is needful in this country, and the clergy- 
man's fee. If she does, she puts herself in a false po- 
sition. 

A very sensible observer, writing of America and 
its young people, and the liberty allowed them, says 
" the liberty, or the license, of our youth will have to 
be curtailed. As our society becomes complex and 
artificial, like older societies in Europe, our children 
will be forced to approximate to them in status, and 
parents will have to waken to a sense of their respon- 
sibilities." 

This is a remark which applies at once to that liberty 
permitted to engaged couples in rural neighborhoods, 
where the young girl is allowed to go on a journey at 
her lover's expense. A girl's natural protectors should 
know better than to allow this. They know that her 
purity is her chief attraction to man, and that a cer- 
tain coyness and virginal freshness are the dowry she 
should bring her future husband. Suppose that this 
engagement is broken off. How will she be accepted 
by another lover after having enjoyed the hospitality 
of the first ? Would it not always make a disagreea- 
ble feeling between the two men, although No. 2 might 
have perfect respect for the girl ? 

Etiquette may sometimes make blunders, but it is 



86 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES. 

generally based on a right principle, and here it is 
undoubtedly founded in truth and justice. In other 
countries this truth is so fully realized that daughters 
are guarded by the vigilance of parents almost to the 
verge of absurdity. A young girl is never allowed to 
go out alone, and no man is permitted to enter the 
household until his character has undergone the closest 
scrutiny. Marriage is a unique contract, and all the 
various wrongs caused by hasty marriages, all the 
troubles before the courts, all the divorces, are multi- 
plied by the carelessness of American parents, who, 
believing, and truly believing, in the almost universal 
purity of their daughters, are careless of the fold, not 
remembering the one black sheep. 

This evil of excessive liberty and of the lax eti- 
quette of our young people cannot be rooted out by 
laws. It must begin at the hearth-stone. Family life 
must be reformed ; young ladies must be brought up 
with greater strictness. The bloom of innocence 
should not be brushed off by careless hands. If a 
mother leaves her daughter matronless, to receive at- 
tentions without her dignified presence, she opens the 
door to an unworthy man, who may mean marriage 
or not. He may be a most unsuitable husband even 
if he does mean marriage. If he takes the young lady 
about, paying for her cab hire, her theatre tickets, and 
her journeyings, and then drops her, whom have they 
to thank but themselves that her bloom is brushed off, 
that her character suffers, that she is made ridiculous, 
and marries some one whom she does not love, for a 
home. 

Men, as they look back on their own varied expe- 



BEFORE AND AFTER THE WEDDING CEREMONY. 87 

rience, are apt to remember with great respect the 
women who were cold and distant. They love the 
fruit which hung the highest, the flower which was 
guarded, and which did not grow under their feet in 
the highway. They look back with vague wonder 
that they were ever infatuated with a fast girl who 
matured into a vulgar woman. 

And we must remember what a fatal effect upon 
marriage is the loosing of the ties of respect. Love 
without trust is without respect, and if a lover has not 
respected his fiancee, he will never respect his wife. 

It is the privilege of the bride to name the wedding 
day, and of her father and mother to pay for her 
trousseau. After the wedding invitations are issued 
she does not appear in public. 

The members of the bride's family go to the church 
before the bride ; the bridegroom and his best man 
await them at the altar. 

The bride comes last, with her father or brother, 
who is to give her away. She is joined at the altar 
step by her fiance, who takes her hand, and then she 
becomes his for life. 

All these trifles mean much, as any one can learn who 
goes through with the painful details of a divorce suit. 

Now when the circle of friends on both sides is very 
extensive, it has of late become customary to send in- 
vitations to some who are not called to the wedding 
breakfast to attend the ceremony in church. This 
sometimes takes the place of issuing cards. No one 
thinks of calling on the newly married who has not 
received either an invitation to the ceremony at church 
or cards after their establishment in their new home. 



88 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES. 

Now one of our correspondents writes to us, " Who 
pays for the after-cards ?" 

In most cases these are ordered with the other 
cards, and the bride's mother pays for them. But if 
they are ordered after the marriage, the groom may 
pay for these as he would pay for his wife's ordinary 
expenses. Still, it is stricter etiquette that even these 
should be paid for by the bride's family. 

People who are asked to the wedding send cards to 
the house if they cannot attend, and in any case send 
or leave cards within ten days after, unless they are 
in very deep mourning, when a dispensation is granted 
them. 

The etiquette of a wedding at home does not differ 
at all from the etiquette of a wedding in church with 
regard to cards. A great confusion seems to exist in 
the minds of some of our correspondents as to whom 
they shall send their return cards on being invited to 
a wedding. Some ask : " Shall I send them to the 
bride, as I do not know her mother ?" Certainly 
not ; send them to whomsoever invites you. After- 
wards call on the bride or send her cards, but the first 
and important card goes to the lady who gives the 
wedding. 

The order of the religious part of the ceremony is 
fixed by the church in which it occurs. The groom 
must call on the rector or clergyman, see the organist, 
and make what arrangements the bride pleases, but, 
we repeat, all expenses, excepting the fee to the clergy- 
man, are borne by the bride's family. 

The sexton should see to it that the white ribbon is 
stretched across the aisle, that the awning and carpet 



WEDDING-CARDS. 89 

are in place, and it would be well if the police regula- 
tions could extend to the group of idlers who crowd 
around the church door, to the great inconvenience of 
the guests. 

A wedding invitation requires no answer, unless it 
be to a sit-down wedding breakfast. Cards left after- 
wards are all-sufficient. The separate cards of the 
bride and groom are no longer included in the invita- 
tion. Nothing black in the way of dress but the gen- 
tlemen's coats is admissible at a wedding. 

Announcement cards should be issued by the par- 
ents of the bride after a wedding, and sent to all those 
friends who were not asked to the wedding, whose 
acquaintance it is desirable to keep. 
The form is this : 

Mr. and Mrs. Brown Jones 

(mnounce the marriage of their daughter 

Catherine 

to Mr. Joseph Pleasanton, 

on April 25th y 1900, 
<d Rochester y New York, 



CHAPTER X. 

WEDDINGS AFTER EASTER. 

We may expect a great deal of color in the coming 
bridal trousseau, beginning at the altar. The brides- 
maids have thus lost one chance of distinguishing 
themselves by a different and a colored dress. But 
although some eccentric brides may choose to be mar- 
ried in pink, we cannot but believe, from the beautiful 
dresses which we have seen, that the greater number 
will continue to be wedded in white ; therefore dress- 
makers need not turn pale. 

And all our brides may rejoice that they are not 
French brides. It is very troublesome to be married 
in France, especially if one of the high contracting 
parties be a foreigner. A certificate of baptism is re- 
quired, together with that of the marriage of the father 
and mother, and a written consent of the grandfather 
and grandmother, if either is alive and the parents 
dead. The names of the parties are then put up on 
the door of the mairie y or mayor's office, for eleven 
days. 

In England there are four ways of getting married. 
The first is by special license, which enables two peo- 
ple to be married at any time and at any place ; but 
this is very expensive, costing fifty pounds, and is only 
obtainable through an archbishop. Then there U *h<a 



EASE WITH WHICH THE KNOT IS TIED. 91 

ordinary license, which can be procured either at Doc- 
tors' Commons or through a clergyman, who must also 
be a surrogate, and resident in the diocese where the 
marriage is to take place; both parties must swear that 
they are of age, or, if minors, that they have the con- 
sent of their parents. But to be married by banns is 
considered the most orthodox as well as the most eco- 
nomical way of proceeding. The banns must be pub- 
lished in the church of the parish in which the lady 
lives for three consecutive Sundays prior to the mar- 
riage, also the same law holds good for the gentleman, 
and the parties must have resided fifteen days in the 
parish. Or the knot may be tied at a licensed chapel, 
or at the office of a registrar, notice being given three 
weeks previously. 

We merely quote these safeguards against impru- 
dent marriages to show our brides how free they are. 
And perhaps, as we sometimes find, they are too free; 
there is danger that there may be too much ease in 
tying the knot that so many wish untied later, judging 
from the frequency of divorce. 

However, we will not throw a damper on that occa- 
sion which for whirl and bustle and gayety and excite- 
ment is not equalled by any other day in a person's 
life. The city wedding in New York is marked first 
by the arrival of the caterer, who comes to spread the 
wedding breakfast; and later on by the florist, who 
appears to decorate the rooms, to hang the floral bell, 
or to spread the floral umbrella, or to build a grotto of 
flowers in the bow-window where the happy couple 
shall stand. Some of the latest freaks in floral fashion 
cause a bower of tall-growing ferns to be constructed. 



92 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES. 

the ferns meeting over the bridal pair. This is, of 
course, supposing that the wedding takes place at home. 
Then another construction is a house entirely of roses, 
large enough to hold the bride and bridegroom. This 
is first built of bamboo or light wood, then covered 
thick with roses, and is very beautiful and almost too 
fragrant. If some one had not suggested "bathing- 
house," as he looked at this floral door to matrimony, 
it would have been perfect. It also looks a little like 
a confessional. Perhaps a freer sweep is better for 
both bride and groom. There should not be a close 
atmosphere, or too many overfragrant flowers; for at 
a home wedding, however well the arrangements have 
been anticipated, there is always a little time spent in 
waiting for the bride, a few presents arrive late, and 
there is always a slight confusion, so that the mamma 
is apt to be nervous and flushed, and the bride agi- 
tated. 

A church wedding involves a great deal more 
trouble with bridesmaids and the family, and for 
the bride and her father, who must go together to 
the church. 

Fortunately there is no stern law, if every one is late 
at church, for the hour appointed, as in England. There 
the law would read, " The rite of marriage is to be 
performed between the hours of 8 a.m. and noon, upon 
pain of suspension and felony with fourteen years' 
transportation." Such is the stern order to the officiat- 
ing priests. 

The reason for this curious custom and the terrible 
penalty awaiting its infringement is traceable, it is 
said, to the wrongs committed on innocent parties by 



AT THE CHURCH. 93 

the " hedge " parsons. Also, alas! because our English 
ancestors were apt to be drunk after midday, and un- 
able to take an oath. 

Here the guests arrive first at the church. The groom 
emerges from the vestry, supported by his best man, 
and then the organ strikes up the Wedding March. 

Two little girls, beautifully dressed, with immense 
sashes, carrying bouquets, come in first ; then the 
bridesmaids, who form an avenue. Then the bride 
and her father walk up to the altar, where the groom 
claims her, and her father steps back. The bride 
stands on the left hand of the bridegroom ; her 
first bridesmaid advances nearly behind her, ready 
to receive the glove and bouquet. After the cere- 
mony is over, the bride and groom walk down the 
aisle first, and the children follow ; after them the 
bridesmaids, then the ushers, then the father and 
mother, and so on. Sometimes the ushers go first, 
to be ready to cloak the bride, open the doors, keep 
back the people, and generally preserve order. 

The signing of the register in the vestry is not an 
American custom, but it is now the fashion to have a 
highly illuminated parchment certificate signed by the 
newly married pair, with two or three witnesses, the 
bridesmaids, the best man, the father and mother, and 
so on, generally being the attesting parties. 

If a sit-down wedding breakfast has been arranged, 
it occurs about half an hour after the parties return 
from church. An attempt is being made to return to 
the manners of the past, and for the bridegroom (d la 
Sir Charles Grandison) to wait on the guests with a 
napkin on his arm. This often makes much amusement, 



94 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES. 

and breaks in on the formality. Of course his waiting 
is very much of a sinecure and a joke. 

The table for a wedding breakfast of this sort may 
be of a horseshoe shape. But for a city wedding, 
where many guests are to be invited in a circle which 
is forever widening, this sort of an exclusive breakfast 
is almost impossible, and a large table is generally 
spread, where the guests go in uninvited, and are 
helped by the waiters. 

Eight bridesmaids* is a fashionable number; and 
the bride has, of course, the privilege of choosing the 
dresses. The prettiest toilettes we have seen were of 
heliotrope gaze over satin ; and again clover red, lighted 
up with white lace. The bonnets were of white chip, 
with feathers of red, for this last dress; broad hats of 
yellow satin, with yellow plumes, will surmount the 
heliotrope bridesmaids. One set of bridesmaids will 
wear Nile-green dresses, with pink plumes in their coif- 
fures; another set, probably those with the pink bride, 
will be in white satin and silver. 

A bride's dress has lately been ornamented with 
orange blossoms and lilacs. The veil was fastened on 
with orange flowers; the corsage bouquet was of orange 
flowers and lilacs mixed ; the lace over-dress was caught 
up with lilac sprays; the hand bouquet wholly of lilacs; 
The gardener's success in producing these dwarf bushes 
covered with white lilacs has given us the beautiful 
flower in great perfection. Cowslips are to be used 
as corsage and hand bouquets for bridesmaids' dress- 

* This gave place to one "Lady of Honor " in 1893. The 
six, eight, or twelve bridesmaids were reinstated in 1897, and 
twelve or one holds good in 1900. This is a matter left to the 
will of the bride alone. 



PLACING THE GIFTS. 95 

es, the dresses being of pale blue surah, with yellow 
satin Gainsborough hats, and yellow plumes. White 
gloves and shoes are proper for brides. The white un- 
dressed kid or Swedish glove will be the favorite; and 
high princesse dresses with long sleeves are still pro- 
nounced the best style. 

As for wedding presents, great favor is shown to 
jewelry and articles somewhat out of the common. 
Vases of costly workmanship, brass wine-coolers, enam- 
elled glass frames, small mirrors set in silver, belt 
clasps, pins of every sort of conceit for the hair, choice 
old Louis Treize silver boxes of curious design, and 
watches, even old miniatures, are all of the order of 
things most desired. So many of our spring brides 
are going immediately to Europe that it seems absurd 
to load them down with costly dinner sets, or the usual 
lamps and pepper-casters. These may come later. How 
much prettier to give the bride something she can wear ! 

Wedding presents, if shown, will be in the second- 
story front room, spread on tables and surrounded by 
flowers. Some brides will give, an afternoon tea the 
day before to show the presents to a few intimate 
friends. Each present will bear the name of the giver 
on his or her card. 

One bride intends to make a most original innova- 
tion. Instead of going immediately out of town, she 
will remain at home and attend the coming ball in 
the evening, leaving for Philadelphia at three in the 
morning. At several of the church weddings the 
guests are only bidden there ; there will be no recep- 
tion afterwards. 

Widows who are to be married again should be re- 



96 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES. 

minded that they can neither have wedding favors nor 
wear a veil or orange blossoms. A widow bride should 
wear a bonnet, she should have no bridesmaids, and 
a peach-blossom silk or velvet is a very pretty dress. 
At a certain up-town wedding all the gentlemen will 
wear a wedding favor excepting the groom. He al- 
ways wears only a flower. 

Wedding favors should be made of white ribbon 
and silver leaves. Large bouquets of white flowers 
should ornament the ears of the horses and the coats 
of the coachmen and footmen. 

It is a matter of taste whether the bride wears her 
gloves to the altar or whether she goes up with un- 
covered hands. " High-Church " brides prefer the lat- 
ter custom. The bride carries a prayer-book, if she 
prefers, instead of a bouquet. The Holy Communion 
is administered to the married pair if they desire it. 

One correspondent inquires, " Who should be asked 
to a wedding?" We should say all your visiting list, 
or none. There is an unusual feeling about being left 
out at a wedding, and no explanation that it is "a 
small and not a general invitation" seems to satisfy 
those who are thus passed over. It is much better to 
offend no one on so important an occasion. 

Wedding cards and wedding stationery have not 
altered at all. The simple styles are the best. The 
bridal linen should be marked with the maiden name 
of the bride. 

If brides could only find out some way to let their 
friends know where they are to be found after mar- 
riage it would be a great convenience. 

The newest style of engagement ring is a diamond 



MONOGRAMS REPLACE LOCKETS. 97 

and a ruby, or a diamond and a sapphire, set at right 
angles or diagonally. Bangles with the bridal mono- 
gram set in jewels are very pretty, and a desirable 
ornament for the bridesmaids' gifts, serving as a me- 
mento and a particularly neat ornament. They seem 
to have entirely superseded the locket. The bride's 
name cut in silver or gold serves for a lace pin, and is 
quite effective. 

The fashion of one bridesmaid, or "Lady of Honor," 
as she is called, has come in of late. She precedes the 
bridal cortege, walking alone, immediately in front of 
the bride and her father. It is a pretty custom. In 
1900 she precedes the long line of bridesmaids, who, 
two and two, immediately precede the bride. 

In the matter of floral decoration, often absurdly ex- 
pensive, the bride's own fancy is consulted, as to her 
must be relegated the colors of the bridesmaids' gowns. 
There is no established etiquette in these matters. 



CHAPTER XI. 

SUMMER WEDDINGS. 

A new fashion in the engraving of the wedding 
note-paper is the first novelty of the early summer 
wedding. The card is entirely discarded, and sheets 
of note-paper, with the words of the invitation in 
running script, are now universally used, without 
crests or ciphers. We are glad to see that the very 
respectful form of invitation, " Mr. and Mrs. John H. 
Brown request the honor of your presence," etc., is re- 
turning to fashionable favor. It never should have 
gone out. Nothing is more self-respecting than re- 
spect, and when we ask our friends to visit us we can 
well afford to be unusually courteous. The brief, curt, 
and not too friendly announcement, "Mr. and Mrs. 
John H. Brown request your presence," etc., etc., may 
well yield to the much more elegant and formal com- 
pliment. 

From high social authority in New York we have an 
invitation much simpler and more cordial, also worthy 
of imitation : " Mr. and Mrs. Winslow Appleblossom 
request the pleasure of your company at the wedding 
reception of their daughter, on Tuesday afternoon 
June the sixteenth." This is without cards or names, 
presuming that the latter will follow later on. 

Another very comprehensive and useful announce- 



FLOWERS IN MASSES. 99 

ment of a wedding, from a lady living out of town, 
conveys, however, on one sheet of paper the desired 
information of where to find the bride: 

Mrs. Seth Osborne 

announces the marriage of her daughter 

Marguerite 

to 

Mr. Joseph Wendon, 

on 

Wednesday, September the ninth, 

at 

Bristol, Connecticut. 

At Home after January first, 
at 758 Wood Street. 

This card of announcement is a model of concise- 
ness, and answers the oft-repeated question, " Where 
shall we go to find the married couple next winter ?" 

In arranging the house for the spring wedding the 
florists have hit upon a new device of having only one 
flower in masses; so we hear of the apple-blossom wed- 
ding, the lilac wedding, the lily wedding, the rose 
wedding and the daffodil wedding, the violet wedding, 
and the daisy wedding. So well has this been carried 
out that at a recent daisy wedding the bride's lace 
and diamond ornaments bore the daisy pattern, and 
each bridesmaid received a daisy pin with diamond 
centre. 

This fashion of massing a single flower has its ad- 
vantages when that flower is the beautiful feathery 
lilac, as ornamental as a plume; but it is not to be 
commended when flowers are as sombre as the violet. 



100 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES. 

which nowadays suggests funerals. Daffodils are love- 
ly and original, and apple-blossoms make a hall in a 
Queen Anne mansion very decorative. No one needs 
to be told that roses look better for being massed, and 
it is a pretty conceit for a bride to make the flower 
which was the ornament of her wedding her flower for 
life. 

The passion for little girls as bridesmaids receives 
much encouragement at the spring and summer wed- 
dings. One is reminded of the children weddings of 
the fifteenth century, as these darlings, wearing Kate 
Greenaway hats, walk up the aisle, preceding the bride. 
The young brother of the bride, a mere boy, who, in 
the fatherless condition of his sister, recently gave her 
away, also presented a touching picture. It has be- 
come a fashion now to invoke youth as well as age to 
give the blessings once supposed to be alone at the 
beck and call of those whom Time had sanctified. 

The bridal dresses are usually of white satin and 
point lace, a preference for tulle veils being very evi- 
dent. A pin for the veil, with a diamond ornament, 
and five large diamonds hanging by little chains, 
makes a very fine effect. The groom at a recent wed- 
ding gave cat's-eyes set round with diamonds to his 
ushers for scarf pins, the cat's-eye being considered a 
very lucky stone. 

The ushers and the groom wear very large bouton- 
nitres of stephanotis and gardenias, or equally large 
bunches of lilies-of-the-valley, in their button-holes. 

At one of the country weddings of the spring a piper 
in full Scotch costume discoursed most eloquent music 
on the lawn during the wedding ceremony. This was 



THE FLORAL BACKGROUND. 101 

a compliment to the groom, who is a captain in a High- 
land regiment. 

A prevailing fashion for wedding presents is to give 
heavy pieces of furniture, such as sideboards, writing- 
tables, cabinets, and pianos. 

We have mentioned the surroundings of the brides, 
but have not spoken of the background. A screen 
hung with white and purple lilacs formed the back- 
ground of one fair bride, a hanging curtain of Jacque- 
minot roses formed the appropriate setting of another. 
Perhaps the most regal of these floral screens was one 
formed of costly orchids, each worth a fortune. One 
of the most beautiful of the spring wedding dresses 
was made of cream -white satin train over a tulle 
petticoat, the tulle being held down by a long diago- 
nal band of broad pearl embroidery, the satin train 
trimmed with bows of ribbon in true-lovers* knots 
embroidered in seed-pearls ; a shower of white lilacs 
trimmed one side of the skirt, all over white taffeta. 

Another simple dress was made of white silk, trim- 
med with old Venetian point, the train of striped ivory 
point and white satin depending d la Watteau from 
the shoulders, and fastened at the point of the waist. 
At the side three large pleats formed a drapery, which 
was fringed with orange blossoms. 

We are often asked by summer brides whether they 
should wear bonnets or round hats for their travelling- 
dress. We unhesitatingly say bonnets. But this is a 
question for the bride to decide for herself. Fashion 
and not etiquette must answer ; that is, fashion in 
1900 may be obsolete in 1901, so on this point this 
book must be non-committal. 



102 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES. 

A pretty dress for the child bridemaids is a pink 
faille slip covered with dotted muslin, not tied in at 
the waist, and the broadest of high Gainsborough hats 
of pale pink silk with immense bows, from the well- 
known pictures of Gainsborough's pretty women. 

But if a summer bride must travel in a bonnet, there 
is no reason that her trousseau should not contain a 
large Leghorn hat, the straw caught up on the back in 
long loops, the spaces between filled in with bows of 
heliotrope ribbon. The crown should be covered with 
white ostrich tips. This is a very becoming hat for a 
lawn party. 

It would be a charming addition to our well-known 
and somewhat worn-out Wedding - March, always 
played as the bride walks up the aisle, if a chorus of 
choir boys would sing an epithalamium, as is now done 
in England. These fresh young voices hailing the 
youthful couple would be in keeping with the child 
bridesmaids and the youthful brothers. Nay, they 
would suggest those frescoes of the Italian villas where 
Hymen and Cupid, two immortal boys, always precede 
the happy pair. 

This custom prevails in the fashionable weddings of 
1900, and the music of the choir boys as they march 
down the aisle to meet the bride is most inspiring. 

An amusing anecdote is told of an old Yorkshire 
coachman, who, newly arrived in America, was to 
drive the bride to church. Not knowing him par- 
ticularly, as he was a new addition to the force, 
the bride sent him her favor by the hands of her 
maid. But Yorkshire decided stoutly against re- 
ceiving such a vicarious offering, and remarked, 



A YORKSHIRE COACHMAN. 103 

" Tell she I'd rather 'ave it from she." And so 
" she " was obliged to come down and affix the favor 
to his livery coat, or he would have resigned the "rib- 
bons." The nurses, the cook, the maids, and the men- 
servants in England always expect a wedding favor 
and a small gratuity at a wedding, and in this country 
should be remembered by a box of cake, and possibly 
by a new dress, cap, or bonnet, or something to recall 
the day. 

The plan of serving the refreshments at a buffet all 
through the reception retains its place as the most con- 
venient and appropriate of forms. The wedding break- 
fast, where toasts are drunk and speeches made, is 
practicable in England, but hardly here, where we are 
not to the manner born. The old trained domestics 
who serve such a feast cannot be invented at will in 
America, so that it is better to allow our well-filled 
tables to remain heavily laden, as they are, with dain- 
ties which defy competition, served by a corps of 
waiters. 

The pretty plan of cutting the bride cake and hunt- 
ing for a ring has been long exploded, as the brides- 
maids declare that it ruins their gloves, and that in 
these days of eighteen buttons it is too much trouble 
to take off and put on a glove for the sake of finding 
a ring in a bit of greasy pastry. However, it might 
supplement a wedding supper. 

The floral decorations at weddings in 1900 have 
reached a degree of splendor and elaborateness quite 
beyond anything ever attempted before. Especially 
are the churches superbly dressed with flowers for 
the marriage ceremony. 



104 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES. 

But the colors and fashions, both as to dress and 
flowers, change with each succeeding year. In 1900 
they are both gorgeous. In this case it may not be 
impertinent to suggest that luxury sometimes over- 
tops good taste. 



CHAPTER XII 

AUTUMN WEDDINGS. 

The first thing which strikes the eye of the fortu- 
nate person who is invited to see the bridal gifts is the 
predominance of silver-ware. We have now passed 
the age of bronze and that of brass, and silver holds 
the first place of importance. Not only the coffee and 
tea sets, bat the dinner sets and the whole furniture 
of the writing-table, and even brooms and brushes, are 
made with repousse silver handles — the last, of course, 
for the toilette, as for dusting velvet, feathers, bon- 
nets, etc. 

The oxidized, ugly, discolored silver is not so fashion- 
able as it was, and the beautiful, bright, highly polished 
silver, with its own natural and unmatchable color, has 
come in. The salvers afford a splendid surface for a 
monogram, which is now copied from the old Dutch sil- 
ver, and bears many a true-lovers' knot, and every sort 
and kind of ornamentation ; sometimes even a little 
verse, or posy, as it was called in olden time. One tea- 
caddy at a recent wedding bore the following almost 
obsolete rhyme, which Corydon might have sent to 
Phyllis in pastoral times : 

" My heart to you is given; 
Oh do give yours to me: 
We'll lock them up together, 
And throw away the key." 



106 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES. 

It should be added that the silver tea-caddy was in 
the shape of a heart, and that it had a key. Very 
dear to the heart of a housewife is the tea-caddy 
which can be locked. 

Another unique present was a gold tea scoop of 
ancient pattern, probably once a baby's pap spoon. 
There were also apostle-spoons, and little silver canoes 
and other devices to hold cigarettes and ashes; little 
myterious boxes for the toilette, to hold the tongs for 
curling hair, and hair-pins; mirror frames, and even 
chair-backs and tables — all of silver. 

Several beautiful umbrellas, with all sorts of han- 
dles, recalled the anecdote of the man who said he 
first saw his wife in a storm, married her in a storm, 
lived with her in a hurricane, but buried her in pleas- 
ant weather; parasols with jewelled handles, and beau- 
tiful painted fans, are also favorite offerings to the 
newly married. 

Friends conspire to make their offerings together, 
so that there may be no duplicates, and no pieces in 
the silver service which do not match. This is a very 
excellent plan. Old pieces like silver tankards, Queen 
Anne silver, and the ever beautiful Baltimore work- 
manship, are highly prized. 

It is no longer the fashion to display the presents 
at the wedding. They are arranged in an upper room, 
and shown to a few friends of the bride the day before 
the ceremony. Nor is it the fashion for the bride to 
wear many jewels. These are reserved for her first ap- 
pearance as a married woman. 

Clusters of diamond stars, daisies, or primroses that 
can be grouped together are now favorite gifts ; also 



SPLENDID SIMPLICITY. 107 

diamond butterflies and other insects. In this costly 
gift several friends join again, as in the silver pres- 
entation. Diamond bracelets that can be used as 
necklaces are also favorite presents. All sorts of 
vases, bits of china, cloisonne, clocks (although there 
is not such a stampede of clocks and lamps as a few 
years ago), choice etchings framed, and embroidered 
table-cloths, doyleys, and useful coverings for bureau 
and wash-stands, are in order. 

The bride now prefers simplicity in her dress — 
splendid and costly simplicity. An elegant white-satin 
and a tulle veil, the latter very full, the former extreme- 
ly long and with a sweeping train, high corsage, and 
long sleeves, white gloves, and perhaps a flower in the 
hair — such is the latest fashion for a nineteenth-cen- 
tury bride. The young ladies say they prefer that their 
magnificence should wait for the days after marriage, 
when their jewels can be worn. There is great sense 
in this, for a bride is interesting enough when she is 
simply attired. 

The solemnization of the marriage should be in a 
church, and a high ecclesiastical functionary should 
be asked to solemnize it. The guests are brought in 
by the ushers, who, by the way, now wear white kid- 
gloves, embroidered in black, as do the groom and 
best man. The front seats are reserved for the rela- 
tives and intimate friends, and the head usher has a 
paper on which are written the names of people en- 
titled to these front seats. The seats thus reserved 
have a white ribbon as a line of demarcation. Music 
should usher in the bride. 

She is preceded by ushers and bridesmaids, and, 



108 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES. 

attended by her father or near friend, comes in 
last, after the ushers. After her mother, sister, 
and family have preceded her, these near relatives 
group themselves about the altar steps. Her sister, 
or one bridesmaid, stands near her at the altar rail, 
and kneels with her and the bridegroom, as does the 
best man. The groom takes his bride from the hand 
of her father or nearest friend, who then retires and 
stands a little behind the bridal pair. He must be 
near enough to respond quickly when he hears the 
words, "Who giveth this woman to be married to 
this man?" The bride and groom walk out together 
after the ceremony, followed by the nearest relatives, 
and proceed to the home where the wedding break- 
fast is served. Here the bridal pair stand under an 
arch of flowers and receive their friends, who are 
presented by the ushers. 

The father and mother do not take any stated posi- 
tion on this occasion, but mingle with the guests, and 
form a part of the company. In an opulent country- 
house, if the day is fine, littlQ tables are set out on the 
lawn, the ladies seat themselves around, and the gen- 
tlemen carry the refreshments to them; or the piazzas 
are beautifully decorated with autumn boughs and 
ferns, flowers, evergreens, and the refreshments are 
served there. If it is a bad day, of course the usual 
arrangements of a crowded buffet are in order; there 
is no longer a "sit-down" wedding breakfast; it does 
not suit our American ideas, as recent experiments 
have proved. We have many letters asking if the gen- 
tlemen of the bride's family should wear gloves. They 
should, most certainly. 



PRETTY ORNAMENTATIONS, ETC. 109 

The one bridesmaid must be dressed in colors. At a 
recent very fashionable wedding the bridesmaid wore 
bright buttercup yellow, a real Directoire dress, white 
lace skirt, yellow bodice, hat trimmed with yellow — 
a very picturesque, pretty costume. The silk stock- 
ings and slippers were of yellow, the hat of Leghorn, 
very large, turned up at one side, yellow plumes, and 
long streamers of yellow-velvet ribbon. Yellow is 
now esteemed a favorite color and a fortunate one. 
It once was deemed the synonym for envy, but that 
has passed away. 

The carrying of an ivory prayer-book was found to 
be attended with inconvenience, therefore was discon- 
tinued. Still, if a young lady wishes to have her 
prayer-book associated with her vows at the altar, she 
can properly carry it. Brides are, however, leaving 
their bouquets at home, as the immense size of a mod- 
ern bouquet interfered with the giving and taking of 
the ring. 

A very pretty bit of ornamentation for an autumn 
wedding is the making of a piece of tapestry of au- 
tumn leaves to hang behind the bride as she re- 
ceives. This can be done by sewing the leaves 
on a piece of drugget on which some artist has 
drawn a clever sketch with chalk and charcoal. 
We have seen some really elaborate and artistic 
groups done in this way by earnest and unselfish girl 
friends. Romeo and Juliet, Hamlet and Ophelia, 
Tristan and Iseult, can thus be made to serve as 
decorations. 

The walls of the church can, of course, be exqui- 
sitely decorated with palms in an Oriental pattern, 



110 MANNERS AND SOCIAL ITS AGES. 

flowers, and leaves. The season is one when nature's 
bounty is so profuse that even the fruits can be pressed 
into service. Care should be taken not to put any 
tuberoses about, for the perfume is sickening to some 
people. 

The engagement ring should be worn on the third 
finger of the left hand. It should have a solitaire 
stone — either a diamond or a colored stone. Colored 
stones and diamonds, set diagonally, as a sapphire and 
a diamond, are also worn ; but not a pearl, as, accord- 
ing to the German idea, " pearls are tears for a bride." 
The wedding ring is entirely different, being merely 
a plain gold ring, not very wide nor a square band, as 
it was a few years since, and the engagement ring 
is worn as a guard above the wedding ring. It is 
not usual for the bride expectant to give a ring to 
her intended husband, but many girls like to give 
an engagement gift to their betrothed. Inside the 
engagement ring is the date of the engagement and 
the initials of each of the contracting parties. The 
wedding ring has the date of the marriage and the 
initials. 

If the marriage takes place at home, the bride and 
groom enter together, and take their place before the 
clergyman, who has already entered; then come the 
father and mother and other friends. A pair of 
hassocks should be arranged for the bridal pair to 
kneel upon, and tin father should be near to allow 
the clergyman to see him when he asks for his au- 
thority. 

For autumn weddings nothing is so pretty for the 
travelling-dress as a tailor-made costume of very light 



JUNE A FORTUNATE MONTH. HI 

cloth, with sacque to match for a cold day. No trav- 
elling-dress should of itself be too heavy, as our rail- 
way carriages are kept so very warm. 

We have been asked to define the meaning of the 
word "honeymoon." It comes from the Germans, 
who drank mead, or metheglin — a beverage made of 
honey — for thirty days after the wedding. 

The bride-cake is no longer cut and served at wed- 
dings ; the present of cake in boxes has superseded 
that. At the wedding breakfast the ices are now 
packed in fancy boxes, which 6ear nuptial mottoes 
and orange-blossoms and violets on their surfaces. 
As the ring is the expressive emblem of the perpe- 
tuity of the compact, and as the bride-cake and cus* 
tomary libations form significant symbols of the nectar 
sweets of matrimony, it will not do to banish the cake 
altogether, although few people eat it, and few wish 
to carry it away. 

Among the Romans, June was considered the most 
propitious month for marriage; but with the Anglo- 
Saxons October has always been a favorite and auspi- 
cious season. We find that the festival has always 
been observed in very much the same way, whether 
druidical, pagan, or Christian. 

We have been asked, Who shall conduct the single 
bridesmaid to the altar? If any one, it should be the 
brother of the groom, her own fiance, or some chosen 
friend — never the best man ; he does not leave his 
friend the groom until he sees him fairly launched on 
that hopeful but uncertain sea whose reverses and 
whose smiles are being constantly tempted. The sin- 
gle bridesmaid generally walks alone. 



CHAPTER XIII. 

BEFORE THE WEDDING AND AFTER. 

The reception of an engaged girl by the family of 
her future husband should be most cordial, and no 
time should be lost in giving her a warm welcome. 
It is the moment of all others when she will feel such 
a welcome most gratefully, and when any neglect will 
be certain to give her the keenest unhappiness. 

It is the fashion for the mother of the groom to in- 
vite both the family of the expectant bride and her- 
self to a dinner as soon as possible after the formal 
announcement of the engagement. The two fami- 
lies should meet and should make friendships at once. 

It is to these near relatives that the probable date 
of the wedding-day is first whispered, in time to allow 
of much consultation and preparation in the selection 
of wedding gifts. In opulent families each has some- 
times given the young couple a silver dinner service 
and much silver besides, and the rooms of the bride's 
father's house look like a jeweller's shop when the 
presents are shown. All the magnificent ormolu or- 
naments for the chimney-piece, handsome clocks and 
lamps, fans in large quantities, spoons, forks by the 
hundred, and of late years the fine gilt ornaments, 
furniture, camel's-hair shawls, bracelets — all are piled 
up in most-admired confusion. And when the in- 



GIFTS FOR HOME WEDDING. 113 

vitations are out, then come in the outer world with 
their more hastily procured gifts ; rare specimens of 
china, little paintings, ornaments for the person — all, 
all are in order. 

A present is generally packed where it is bought 5 
and sent with the giver's card from the shop to the 
bride directly. She should always acknowledge its 
arrival by a personal note written by herself. A 
young bride once gave mortal offence by not thus 
acknowledging her gifts. She said she had so many 
that she could not find time to write the notes, 
which was naturally considered boastful and most 
ungracious. 

Gifts which owe their value to the personal taste 
or industry of the friend who sends are particularly 
complimentary. A piece of embroidery, a painting, 
a water -color, are most flattering gifts, as they be- 
token a long and predetermined interest. 

No friend should be deterred from sending a small 
present, one not representing a money value, because 
other and richer people can send a more expensive 
one. Often the little gift remains as a most endear* 
ing and useful souvenir. 

We have been asked if the family of the intended 
husband should send the bride presents. Of course, 
as handsome as they can afford. This is important. 
It is very much the fashion in 1900 to send pres- 
ents to the engaged girl from the family she is 
about to enter. The father, mother, and sisters 
of the fiance (we have no English word for this im- 
portant person) are apt to send some small articles of 
jewelry. 



114 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES. 

As for showing the wedding gifts, that is a thing 
which must be left to individual taste. 

As for the conduct of the betrothed pair during 
their engagement, our American mammas are apt to 
be somewhat more lenient in their views of the liberty 
to be allowed than are the English. With the latter, 
no young lady is allowed to drive alone with her 
fiance / there must be a servant in attendance. No 
young lady must visit in the family of her fiance, un- 
less he has a mother to receive her. Nor is she allowed 
to go to the theatre alone with him, or to travel under 
his escort, to stop at the same hotel, or to relax one of 
those rigid rules which a severe chaperon would en- 
force ; and it must be allowed that this severe and 
careful attention to appearances is in the best taste. 

As for the engagement-ring, modern fashion pre- 
scribes a diamond solitaire, which may range in price 
from two hundred and fifty to two thousand dollars, 
The matter of presentation is a secret between the 
engaged pair. 

Evening weddings do not differ from day weddings 
essentially, except that the bridegroom wears evening 
dress. 

If the wedding is at home, the space where the 
bridal party is to stand is usually marked off by a 
ribbon, and the clergyman comes down in his robes 
before the bridal pair ; they face him, and he faces 
the company. Hassocks are prepared for them to 
kneel upon. After the ceremony the clergyman re- 
tires, and the bridal party take his place, standing to 
receive their friends' congratulations. 

Should there be dancing at a wedding, it is proper 



THE PROPER TIME TO CALL. 115 

for the bride to open the first quadrille with the best 
man, the groom, dancing with the first bridesmaid. It 
is not, however, very customary for a bride to dance, 
or for dancing to occur at an evening wedding, but it 
is not a bad old custom. 

Cards should not be attached to the wedding gifts 
which are shown at a wedding. 

After the bridal pair return from their wedding- 
tour, the bridesmaids each give them a dinner or 
a party, or show some attention, if they are so situ- 
ated that they can do so. The members, of the 
two families, also, each give a dinner to the young 
couple. 

It is now a very convenient and pleasant custom 
for the bride to announce with her wedding-cards two 
or more reception days during the winter after her 
marriage, on which her friends can call upon her. 
The certainty of finding a bride at home is very 
pleasing. On these occasions she does not wear her 
wedding-dress, but receives as if she had entered 
society as one of its members. The wedding trap- 
pings are all put away, and she wears a dark silk, 
which may be as handsome as she chooses. As for 
wearing her wedding-dress to balls or dinners after 
her marriage, it is perfectly proper to do so, if she 
divests herself of her veil and her orange-blossoms. 

The bride should be very attentive and conciliatory 
to all her husband's friends. They will look with in- 
terest upon her from the moment they hear of the 
engagement, and it is in the worst taste for her to 
show indifference to them. 

Quiet weddings, either in church or at the house, 



116 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES. 

are very much preferred by some families. Indeed, 
the French, from whom we have learned many — and 
might learn more — lessons of grace and good taste, 
infinitely prefer them. 

For a quiet wedding the bride dresses in a travel- 
ling-dress and bonnet, and departs for her wedding- 
tour. It is the custom in England, as we have said, 
for the bride and groom to drive off in their own car- 
riage, which is dressed with white ribbons, the coach* 
man and groom wearing white bouquets, and favors 
adorning the horses' ears, and for them to take a 
month's honeymoon. There also the bride (if she be 
Hannah Rothschild or the Baroness Burdett-Coutts) 
gives her bridesmaids very elegant presents, as a lock- 
et or a bracelet, while the groom gives the best man 
a scarf-pin or some gift. The American custom is 
not so universal. However, either bride or groom 
gives something to the bridesmaid and a scarf-pin to 
each usher. Thus a wedding becomes a very expen- 
sive and elaborate affair, which quiet and economical 
people are sometimes obliged to avoid. 

After the marriage invitations are issued, the lady 
does not appear in public. 

The period of card-leaving after a wedding is not 
yet definitely fixed. Some authorities say ten days, 
but that in a crowded city, and with an immense ac- 
quaintance, would be quite impossible. 

If only invited to the church, many ladies consider 
that they perform their whole duty by leaving a card 
sometime during the winter, and including the young 
couple in their subsequent invitations. Very rigorous 
people call, however, within ten days, and if invited 



WEDDING INVITATIONS. 117 

to the house, the call is still more imperative, and 
should be made soon after the wedding. 

But if a young couple do not send their future ad- 
dress, but only invite one to a church-wedding, there 
is often a very serious difficulty in knowing where 
to call, and the first visit must be postponed until 
they send cards notifying their friends of their where- 
abouts. 

Wedding invitations require no answer. But peo- 
ple living at a distance, who cannot attend the wed- 
ding, should send their cards by mail, to assure the 
hosts that the invitation has been received. The 
usual form for wedding-cards is this: 

Mr. and Mrs. Theodore Chapman 

request your presence at the 

marriage of their daughter, on 

Wednesday evening, November fourth, at eight o'clock. 

Grace Church. 

The card of the young lady, that of her intended 
husband, and another card to the favored— 

At Home 
after the ceremony, 
7 East Market Street- 
is also enclosed. 

People with a large acquaintance cannot always 
invite all their friends, of course, to a wedding recep- 
tion, and therefore invite all to the church. Some- 
times people who are to give a small wedding at 
home request an answer to the wedding invitation; 
in that case, of course, an answer should be sent, and 
people should be very careful not to ignore these 
flattering invitations. Any carelessness is inexcusable 



118 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES. 

when so important an event is on the tapis. Brides- 
maids, if prevented by illness or sudden bereavement 
from officiating, should notify the bride as soon as 
possible, as it is a difficult thing after a bridal cortege 
is arranged to reorganize it. 

As to the wedding-tour, it is no longer considered 
obligatory, nor is the seclusion of the honeymoon 
demanded. A very fashionable girl who married 
an Englishman at Newport returned in three days 
to take her own house at Newport, and to receive 
and give out invitations. If the newly married pair 
thus begin house-keeping in their own way, they 
generally issue a few " At Home " cards, and thereby 
open an easy door for future hospitalities. Certainly 
the once perfunctory bridal tour is no longer deemed 
essential, and the more sensible fashion exists of the 
taking of a friend's house a few miles out of town for 
a month. 

If the bridal pair go to a watering-place during 
their early married days, they should be very careful 
of outward display of tenderness. 

Such exhibitions in the cars or in public places as 
one often sees, of the bride laying her head on her 
husband's shoulder, holding hands, or kissing, are at 
once vulgar and indecent. All public display of an 
affectionate nature should be sedulously avoided. The 
affections are too sacred for such outward showing, 
and the lookers-on are in a very disagreeable position. 
The French call love-making Vegoisme d deux, and no 
egotism is agreeable. People who see a pair of young 
doves cooing in public are apt to say that a quarrel is 
not far off. It is possible for a lover to show every 



DAY OP RECEPTION. 119 

attention, every assiduity, and not to overdo his dem- 
onstrations. It is quite possible for the lady to be 
fond of her husband without committing the slightest 
offence against good taste. 

The young couple are not expected, unless fortune 
has been exceptionally kind, to be immediately re- 
sponsive in the matter of entertainments. The outer 
world is only too happy to entertain them. Nothing 
can be more imprudent than for a young couple to 
rush into expenditures which may endanger their 
future happiness and peace of mind, nor should they 
feel that they are obliged at once to return the din- 
ners and the parties given to them. The time will 
come, doubtless, when they will be able to do so. 

But the announcement of a day on which the bride 
will receive her friends is almost indispensable. The 
refreshments on these occasions should not exceed 
tea and cake, or, at the most, punch, tea, chocolate, 
and cakes, which may stand on a table at one end of 
the room, or may be handed by a waiter. Bouillon, 
on a cold day of winter, is also in order, and is per- 
haps the most serviceable of all simple refreshments. 
For in giving a " four-o'clock tea," or several day re- 
ceptions, a large entertainment is decidedly vulgar. 
Let it be composed of tea, chocolate, sandwiches, and 
cakes ; perhaps a few bonbons. 



CHAPTER XIV. 

GOLD, SILVER, AND TIN WEDDINGS. 

Very few people have the golden opportunity of 
living together for fifty years in the holy estate of 
matrimony. When they have overcome in so great a 
degree the many infirmities of the flesh, and the com- 
mon incompatibility of tempers, they deserve to be 
congratulated, and to have a wedding festivity which 
shall be as ceremonious as the first one, and twice as 
impressive. But what shall we give them ? 

The gifts of gold must be somewhat circumscribed, 
and therefore the injunction* so severe and so unal- 
terable, which holds good at tin and silver weddings, 
that no presents must be given of any other metal 
than that designated by the day, does not hold good 
at a golden wedding. A card printed in gold letters, 
announcing that John Anderson and Mary Brown 
were married, for instance, in 1830 5 and will celebrate 
their golden wedding in 1880, is generally the only 
golden manifestation. One of the cards recently is- 
sued reads in this way : 

Mr. and Mrs. John Anderson, 

At Home November twenty-first, 1899. 

Golden Wedding, 

17 Carmichael Street, 

at eight o'clock. 



GOLDEN WEDDINGS. 121 

All done in gold, on white, thick English paper, that 
is nearly all the exhibition of gold necessary at a 
golden wedding, unless some friend gives the aged 
bride a present of jewellery. The bride receives her 
children and grandchildren dressed in some article 
which she wore at her first wedding, if any remain. 
Sometimes a veil, or a handkerchief, or a fan, scarcely 
ever the whole dress, has lasted fifty years, and she 
holds a bouquet of white flowers. A wedding-cake 
is prepared with a ring in it, and on the frosting is 
the date, and the monogram of the two, who have 
lived together so long. 

These golden weddings are apt to be sad. It is 
not well for the old to keep anniversaries — too many 
ghosts come to the feast. Still, if people are happy 
enough to wish to do so, there can be no harm in it. 
Their surroundings may possibly surpass their fond- 
est dreams, but as it regards themselves, the contrast 
is painful. They have little in common with bridal 
joys, and unless it is the wish of some irrepressible 
descendant, few old couples care to celebrate the 
golden wedding save in their hearts. If they have 
started at the foot of the ladder, and have risen, they 
may not wish to remember their early struggles ; if 
they have started high, and have gradually sunk into 
poverty or ill health, they certainly do not wish to 
photograph those better days by the fierce light of 
an anniversary. It is only the very exceptionally 
good, happy, and serene people who can afford to 
celebrate a golden wedding. 

Far otherwise with the silver wedding, which comes 
in this country while people are still young, in the 



122 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES. 

very prime of life, with much before them, and when 
to stop midway to take an account of one's friends 
and one's blessings is a wise and a pleasant thing. 
The cards are issued, printed in silver, somewhat in 
this style : 

1900. 1900. 

Mr. and Mrs. Carter 

request the pleasure of your company 
on Wednesday, October the twenty -seventh, 
at eight o'clock. 
Silver Wedding. 
John Carter. Sarah Smith. 

Such, at least, is one form. Many people do not, 
however, add their names at the end ; while, again, 
some go even farther, and transcribe the marriage 
notice from the newspaper of the period. 

Gifts of silver being comparatively inexpensive, 
and always useful, almost all friends who are invited 
send a gift of silver- ware, marked " Silver Wedding ;" 
or, still better, marked with an appropriate motto, 
and the initials of the pair, engraved in a true-lover's 
knot. 

In old Dutch silver these pretty monograms and 
the lover's knot are very common. This was proba- 
bly put upon the original wedding silver, and we 
know that the art was studied by such men as Al- 
brecht Diirer, Benvenuto Cellini, and Rubens, for 
we find among their drawings many monograms and 
such devices. It adds very much to the beauty of a 
piece of silver to bear such engraving, and it is al- 
ways well to add a motto, or a "posy," as the old 
phrase has it, thus investing the gift with a personal 



SILVER WEDDING PRESENTS. 123 

interest, in our absence of armorial bearings. Since 
many pretty ornaments come in silver, it is possible 
to vary the gifts by sometimes presenting flacons (a 
pendant flacon for the chdtelaine: some very artistic 
things come in this pretty ornament now, with col- 
ored plaques representing antique figures, etc.). 
Sometimes a costly intaglio is sunk in silver and 
set as a pin. Clocks of silver, bracelets, statuary in 
silver, necklaces, picture-frames, and filigree pendants 
hanging to silver necklaces which resemble pearls ; 
beautiful jewel-cases and boxes for the toilet ; dress- 
ing-cases well furnished with silver ; hand-mirrors set 
in fretted silver ; bracelets, pendant seals, and medal- 
lions in high relief — all come now for gifts in the 
second precious metal. A very pretty gift was de- 
signed by a young artist for his mother on the cele- 
bration of her silver wedding. It was a monogram 
and love-knot after the fashion of the seventeenth 
century, and made, when joined, a superb belt-clasp, 
each little ornament of the relief repeating the two 
dates. Mantle clasps of solid silver ornamented with 
precious stones, and known in the Middle Ages as 
fermittets, are pretty presents, and these ornaments 
can be also enriched with gold and enamel without 
losing their silver character. Chimerical animals and 
floral ornaments are often used in enriching these 
agrafes. 

Mirrors set in silver are very handsome for the 
toilet - table ; also, brushes and combs can be made 
of it. All silver is apt to tarnish, but a dip in water 
and ammonia cleans it at once, and few people now 
like the white foamy silver ; that which has assumed 



124 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES. 

a gray tint is much more admired. Indeed, artistic 
jewellers have introduced the hammered silver, which 
looks like an old tin teapot, and to the admirers of 
the real silver tint is very ugly ; but it renders the 
wearing of a silver chatelaine very much easier, for 
the chains and ornaments which a lady now wears on 
her belt are sure to grow daily into the fashion. Sil- 
ver parasol handles are also very fashionable. We 
have enlarged upon this subject of gifts of silver in 
answer to several questions as to what it is proper to 
give at a silver wedding. Of course the wealthy can 
send pitchers, vases, vegetable dishes, soup tureens, 
and waiters. All the beautiful things which are now 
made by our silversmiths are tempting to the purse. 
There are also handsome silver necklaces, holding old 
and rare coins, and curious watches of silver, resem- 
bling fruits, nuts, and animals. The farther back we 
go in the history of silver- ware, the better models we 
are sure to obtain. 

As for the entertainment, it includes the inevitable 
cake, of course, and the bride puts the knife into it 
as she did twenty -five years ago. The ring is eagerly 
sought for. Then a large and plentiful repast is of- 
fered, exactly like that of any reception-table. Cham- 
pagne is in order, healths are drunk, and speeches 
made at most of these silver weddings. 

Particularly delightful are silver weddings which 
are celebrated in the country, especially if the house 
is large enough to hold a number of guests. Then 
many a custom can be observed of peculiar signifi- 
cance and friendliness; everybody can help to pre- 
pare the feast, decorate the house with flowers, and 



TIN AND WOODEN WEDDINGS. 125 

save the bride from those tearful moments which 
come with any retrospect. All should try to make 
the scene a merry one, for there is no other reason 
for its celebration. 

Tin weddings, which occur after ten years have 
passed over two married heads, are signals for a gen- 
eral frolic. Not only are the usual tin utensils which 
can be used for the kitchen and household purposes 
offered, but fantastic designs and ornaments are got- 
ten up for the purpose of raising a laugh. One young 
bride received a handsome check from her father-in- 
law, who labelled it " Tin," and sent it to her in a tin 
pocket-book elaborately constructed for the purpose. 
One very pretty tin fender was constructed for the 
fireplace of another, and was not so ugly. A tin 
screen, tin chandeliers, tin fans, and tin tables have 
been offered. If these serve no other purpose, they 
do admirably for theatrical properties later, if the 
family like private plays, etc., at home. 

Wooden weddings occur after five years of mar- 
riage, and afford the bride much refurnishing of the 
kitchen, and nowadays some beautiful presents of 
wood-carving. The wooden wedding, which was be- 
gun in jest with a step-ladder and a rolling-pin several 
years ago, now threatens to become a very splendid 
anniversary indeed, since the art of carving in wood 
is so popular, and so much practised by men and 
women. Every one is ready for a carved box, picture- 
frame, screen, sideboard, chair, bureau, dressing-table, 
crib, or bedstead. Let no one be afraid to offer a bit 
of wood artistically carved. Everything is in order 
but wooden nutmegs ; they are ruled out. 



126 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES. 

At one of the golden weddings of the Rothschilds 
we read of such presents as a solid gold dinner ser- 
vice ; a chased cup of Benvenuto Cellini in solid gold, 
enriched with precious stones ; a box, with cover of 
gold, in the early Renaissance, with head of Marie 
de Medicis in oxidized gold; of rings from Cyprus, 
containing sapphires from the tombs of the Crusaders ; 
of solid crystals cut in drinking cups, with handles of 
gold ; of jade goblets set in gold saucers ; of sing- 
ing-birds in gold ; and of toilet appliances, all in solid 
gold, not to speak of chains, rings, etc. This is luxury, 
and as such to be commended to those who can afford 
it. But it must entail great inconvenience. Gold is 
so valuable that a small piece of it goes a great way, 
and even a Rothschild would not like to leave out a 
gold dressing-case, lest it might tempt the most honest 
of waiting- women. 

No doubt some of our millionaire Americans can 
afford such golden wedding - presents, but of course 
they are rare, and even if common, would be less in 
keeping than some less magnificent gifts. Our re- 
publican simplicity would be outraged and shocked 
at seeing so much coin of the realm kept out of cir- 
culation. 

There are, however, should we wish to make a pres- 
ent to a bride of fifty years' standing, many charming 
bits of gold jewellery very becoming, very artistic, and 
not too expensive for a moderate purse. There are 
the delicate productions of Castellani, the gold and 
enamel of Venice, the gold- work of several different 
colors which has become so artistic; there are the 
modern antiques, copied from the Phoenician jewellery 



GOLDEN WEDDING PBESENTS. 127 

found at Cyprus — these made into pins for the cap, 
pendants for the neck, rings and bracelets, boxes for 
the holding of small sweetmeats, so fashionable many 
years ago, are pretty presents for an elderly lady. 
For a gentleman it is more difficult to find souvenirs. 
We must acknowledge that it is always difficult to 
select a present for a gentleman. Unless he has as 
many feet as Briareus had hands, or unless he is a 
centipede, he cannot wear all the slippers given te 
him; and the shirt-studs and sleeve-buttons are equal- 
ly burdensome. Rings are now fortunately in fash- 
ion, and can be as expensive as one pleases. But one 
almost regrets the disuse of snuff, as that gave occa- 
sion for many beautiful boxes. It would be difficult 
to find, however, such gold snuffboxes as were once 
handed round among monarchs and among wealthy 
snuffers. The giving of wedding-presents has had to 
endure many changes since its first beginning, which 
was a wise and generous desire to help the young 
pair to begin house-keeping. It has become now an 
occasion of ostentation. So with the gifts at the gold 
and silver weddings. They have almost ceased to be 
friendly offerings, and are oftener a proof of the giv- 
er's wealth than of his love. 

No wonder that some delicate-minded people, wish- 
ing to celebrate their silver wedding, cause a line 
to be printed on their invitations, "No presents re« 
ceived." 

Foreigners have a beautiful custom, which we have 
not, of remembering every fete day, every birthday, 
every saint's day, in a friend's calendar. A bouquet, 
a present of fruit, a kind note, a little celebration 



128 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES. 

which costs nothing, occurs in every family on papa's 
birthday or mamma's fete day. But as we have noth- 
ing of that sort, and as most people prefer that, as in 
the case of the hero of the Pirates, a birthday shall 
only come once in four years, it is well for us to cele- 
brate the tin, silver, and golden weddings. 

But there is no law of etiquette in such matters as 
these. It is purely a case of individual feeling. 



CHAPTER XV. 

THE ETIQUETTE OF BALLS. 

A hostess must not use the word "ball" on hei 
invitation-cards. She may say, 

Mrs. John Brown requests the pleasure of the company of 

Mr. and Mrs. Amos Smith 

on Thursday evening, November twenty-second, 

at nine o'clock. 

Dancing. B. & V. P. 

Or, 

Mrs. John Brown 

At Home 

Thursday evening, November twenty-second, 

at nine o'clock. 

Cotillon at ten. B. S. V. P. 

But she should not indicate further the purpose of 
her party. In New York, where young ladies are in- 
troduced to society by means of a ball at Delmonico's, 
the invitation is frequently worded, 

Mr. and Mrs. Amos Smith request the pleasure 

of Mr. and Mrs. Smith's company 
on Thursday evening, November twenty -second, 
at nine o'clock. 
Delmonico's. 

The card of the young debutante is sometimes (al- 
though not always) enclosed. 



130 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES. 

If these invitations are sent to new acquaintances, 
or to strangers in town, the card of the gentleman is 
enclosed to gentlemen, that of both the gentleman 
and his wife to ladies and gentlemen, if it is a first 
invitation. 

A ballroom should be very well lighted, exceeding 
ly well ventilated, and very gayly dressed. It is the 
height of the gayety of the day ; and although dinner 
calls for handsome dress, a ball demands it. Young 
persons of slender figure prefer light, diaphanous 
dresses; the chaperons can wear heavy velvet and 
brocade. Jewels are in order. The great number of 
bouquets sent to a debutante is often embarrassing. 
The present fashion is to have them hung, by different 
ribbons, on the arm, so that they look as if almost a 
trimming to the dress. 

Gentlemen who have not selected partners before 
the ball come to their hostess and ask to be presented 
to ladies who will dance with them. As a hostess 
cannot leave her place while receiving, and people 
come at all hours to a ball, she generally asks two or 
three well-known society friends to receive with her, 
who will take this part of her duty off her hands, for 
no hostess likes to see " wall-flowers " at her ball : she 
wishes all her young people to enjoy themselves. 
Well-bred young men always say to the hostess that 
they beg of her to introduce them to ladies who may 
be without partners, as they would gladly make them- 
selves useful to her. After dancing with a lady, and 
walking about the room with her for a few times, a 
gentleman is at perfect liberty to take the young lady 
back to her chaperon and plead another engagement. 



BALLROOM CONVENIENCE. 131 

A great drawback to balls in America is the lack of 
convenience for those who wish to remain seated. In 
Europe, where the elderly are first considered, seats are 
placed around the room, somewhat high, for the chap- 
erons, and at their feet sit the debutantes. These red- 
covered sofas, in two tiers, as it were, are brought in 
by the upholsterer (as we hire chairs for the crowded 
rnicsicales or readings so common in large cities), and 
are very convenient. It is strange that all large halls 
are not furnished with them, as they make every one 
comfortable at very little expense, and add to the ap- 
pearance of the room. A row of well-dressed ladies, 
in velvet, brocade, and diamonds, some with white 
hair, certainly forms a very distinguished background 
for those who sit at their feet. 

Supper is generally served all the evening from a 
table on which flowers, fruits, candelabra, silver, and 
glass are displayed, and which is loaded with hot 
oysters, boned turkey, salmon, game pates, salads, 
ices, jellies, and fruits, from the commencement of 
the evening. A hot supper, with plentiful cups of 
bouillon, is served again for those who dance the 
german. 

But if the hostess so prefer, the supper is not 
served until she gives the word, when her husband 
leads the way with the most distinguished lady pres- 
ent, the rest of the company following. The hostess 
rarely goes in to supper until every one has been 
served. She takes the opportunity of walking about 
her ballroom to see if every one is happy and at- 
tended to. If she does go to supper, it is in order 
to accompany some distinguished guest — like the 



132 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES. 

President, for instance. This is, however, a point 
which may be left to the tact of the hostess. 

A young lady is not apt to forget her ballroom 
engagements, but she should be sure not to do so. 
She must be careful not to offend one gentleman by 
refusing to dance with him, and then accepting the 
offer of another. Such things, done by frivolous girls, 
injure a young man's feelings unnecessarily, and prove 
that the young lady has not had the training of a 
gentlewoman. A young man should not forget if he 
has asked a young lady for the cotillon. He must 
send her a bouquet, and be on hand to dance with 
her. If kept away by sickness or a death in his 
family, he must send her a note before the appointed 
hour. 

It is not necessary to take leave of your hostess at 
a ball. All that she requires of you is to bow to her 
on entering, and to make yourself as agreeable and 
happy as you can while in her house. 

Young men are not always as polite as they should 
be at balls. They ought, if well-bred, to look about, 
and see if any lady has been left unattended at 
supper, to ask if they can go for refreshments, if 
they can lead a lady to a seat, go for a carriage, etc. 
It is not an impertinence for a young man thus to 
speak to a lady older than himself, even if he has not 
been introduced; the roof is a sufficient introduction 
for any such purpose. 

The first persons asked to dance by the young gen- 
tlemen invited to a house should be the daughters 
of the house. To them and to their immediate rela- 
tives and friends must the first attention be paid. 



LACK OF CHAPERONS AT BALLS. 133 

It is not wise for young ladies to join in every 
dance, nor should a young chaperon dance, leaving 
her protegee sitting. The very bad American custom 
of sending several young girls to a ball with a verj 
young chaperon — perhaps one of their number who 
has just been married — has led to great vulgarity in 
our American city life, not to say to that general 
misapprehension of foreigners which offends without 
correcting our national vanity. A mother should en- 
deavor to attend balls with her daughters, and to stay 
as long as they do. But many mothers say, " We are 
not invited: there is not room for us." Then her 
daughters should not accept. It is a very poor Amer- 
ican custom not to invite the mothers. Let a lady 
give two or three balls, if her list is so large that she 
can only invite the daughters if she give but one If 
it be absolutely necessary to limit the invitations, the 
father should go with the daughters, for who else is 
to escort them to their carriage, take care of them if 
they faint, or look to their special or accidental 
wants? The fact that a few established old veterans 
of society insist upon " lagging superfluous on the 
stage " should not deter ladies who entertain from 
being true to the ideas of the best society, which cer- 
tainly are in favor of chaperonage. 

A lady should not overcrowd her rooms. To put 
five hundred people into a hot room, with no chairs 
to rest in, and little air to breathe, is to apply a very 
cruel test to friendship. It is this impossibility of 
putting one's "five hundred dear friends" into a 
narrow house which has led to the giving of balls at 
public rooms — an innovation which shocked a French 



134 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES. 

woman of rank who married an American. " You have 
no safeguard for society in America," she observed, 
" but your homes. No aristocracy, no king, no court, 
no traditions, but the sacred one of home. Now, do 
you not run great risks when you abandon your 
homes, and bring out your girls at a hotel ?" There 
is something in her wise remarks ; and with the care- 
lessness of chaperonage in cities which are now large- 
ly populated by irresponsible foreigners the dangers 
increase. 

The first duty of a gentleman on entering a ball- 
room is to make his bow to the lady of the house and 
to her daughters ; he should then strive to find his 
host — a very difficult business sometimes. Young men 
are to be very much censured, however, who do not 
find out their host, and insist on being presented to 
him. Paterfamilias in America is sometimes thought 
to hold a very insignificant place in his own house, 
and be good for nothing but to draw checks. This is 
indicative of a very low social condition, and no man 
invited to a gentleman's house should leave it until he 
has made his bow to the head thereof. 

It is proper for intimate friends to ask for invita- 
tions for other friends to a ball, particularly for young 
gentlemen who are " dancing men." More prudence 
should be exercised in asking in behalf of ladies, but 
the hostess has always the privilege of saying that 
her list is full, if she does not wish to invite her 
friends' friends. No offence should be taken if this 
refusal be given politely. 



CHAPTER XVI. 

LETTERS AND LETTER-WRITING. 

The person who can write a graceful note is always 
spoken of with phrases of commendation. The epis- 
tolary art is said to be especially feminine, and the 
novelists and essayists are full of compliments to the 
sex, which is alternately praised and objurgated, as 
man feels well or ill. Bulwer says : " A woman is 
the genius of epistolary communication. Even men 
write better to a woman than to one of their own sex. 
No doubt they conjure up, while writing, the loving, 
listening face, the tender, pardoning heart, the ready 
tear of sympathy, and passionate confidences of heart 
and brain flow rapidly from the pen." But there is 
no such thing now as an " epistolary style." Our im- 
mediate ancestors wrote better and longer letters than 
we do. They covered three pages of large letter- 
paper with crow-quill handwriting, folded the paper 
neatly, tucked one edge beneath the other (for there 
were no envelopes), and then sealed it with a wafer 
or with sealing-wax. To send one of these epistles 
was expensive — twenty-five cents from New York to 
Boston. However, the electric telegraph and cheap 
postage and postal-cards may have been said, in a way, 
to have ruined correspondence in the old sense ; lovers 
and fond mothers doubtless still write long letters, but 



136 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES. 

the business of the letter-writer proper is at an end. 
The writing of notes has, however, correspondingly 
increased ; and the last ten years have seen a pro- 
fuse introduction of emblazoned crest and cipher, 
pictorial design, and elaborate monogram in the cor- 
ners of ordinary note-paper. The old illuminated 
missal of the monks, the fancy of the Japanese, the 
ever-ready taste of the French, all have been exhaust- 
ed to satisfy that always hungry caprice which calls 
for something new. 

The frequency with which notes upon business and 
pleasure must fly across a city and a continent has 
done away, also, with the sealing-wax, whose definite, 
red, clear, oval was a fixture with our grandfathers, and 
which is still the only elegant, formal, and ceremoni- 
ous way acknowledged in England, of sealing a letter. 

There were, however, serious objections to the use 
of wax in this country, which were discovered during 
the early voyages to California. The intense heat of 
the Isthmus of Panama melted the wax, and letters 
were irretrievably glued together, to the loss of the 
address and the confusion of the postmaster. So the 
glued envelope — common, cheap, and necessary — be- 
came the almost prevailing fashion for all notes as 
well as letters. The use of wax is prohibited in cor- 
respondence with Cuba and the Philippines. 

The taste for colored note-paper with flowers in 
the corner was common among the belles of fifty 
years ago — the " rose - colored and scented billet- 
doux" is often referred to in the novels of that pe- 
riod. But colored note - paper fell into disuse long 
ago, and for the last few years we have not seen the 



STYLE OF NOTE-PAPER AND ENVELOPES. 137 

heavy tints. A few pale greens, grays, blues, and 
lilacs have, indeed, found a place in fashionable sta- 
tionery, and a deep coffee-colored, heavy paper had 
a little run about three years ago ; but at the pres- 
ent moment no color that is appreciable is consider- 
ed stylish, unless it be ecru, which is only a creamy 
white. 

Ladies have simply the address of their city resi- 
dence or the name of their country place printed in 
one corner (generally in color), or, latest device of 
fashion, a fac-simile of their initials, carefully en- 
graved, and dashed across the corner of the note- 
paper. The day of the week, also copied from their 
own handwriting, is often impressed upon the square 
cards now so much in use for short notes, or on the 
note-paper. 

There is one fashion which has never changed, and 
will never change, which is always in good taste, and 
which, perhaps, would be to-day the most perfect of 
all styles, and that is, good, plain, thick, English note- 
paper, folded square, put in a square envelope, and 
sealed with sealing-wax which bears the imprint of 
the writer's coat of arms. No one can make any 
mistake who uses such stationery as this in any part 
of the world. On such paper and in such form are 
ambassadors' notes written ; on such paper and in 
such style would the Princess Louise write her notes. 

However, there is no law against the monogram. 
Many ladies still prefer it, and always use the paper 
which has become familiar to their friends. It is, 
however, a past rather than a present fashion. 

The plan of having all the note-paper marked with 



138 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES. 

the address is an admirable one, for it effectually re- 
minds the person who receives the note where the 
answer should be sent — information of which some 
ladies forget the importance, and which should al- 
ways be written, if not printed, at the head of a let- 
ter. It also gives a stylish finish to the appearance 
of the note-paper, is simple, unpretending, and useful. 

The ink should invariably be black. From the very 
superior, lasting qualities of a certain purple fluid, 
which never became thick in the inkstand, certain 
ladies, a few years ago, used the purple and lilac inks 
very much. But they are not elegant ; they are not 
in fashion ; the best note-writers do not use them. 
The plain black ink, which gives the written charac- 
ters great distinctness, is the only fashionable medium. 

Every lady should study to acquire an elegant, free, 
and educated hand; there is nothing so useful, so sure 
to commend the writer everywhere, as such a chirog- 
raphy; while a cramped, poor, slovenly, uneducated, 
unformed handwriting is sure to produce the impres- 
sion upon the reader that those qualities are more or 
less indicative of the writer's character. It is very 
vulgar to sign a note "Mrs. G. F. Brown"; write 
" Gertrude F. Brown." The angular English hand is 
at present the fashion, although less legible and not 
more beautiful than the round hand. We cannot enter 
into that great question as to whether or not hand- 
writing is indicative of character ; but we hold that 
a person's notes are generally characteristic, and that 
a neat, flowing, graceful hand, and a clean sheet, free 
from blots, are always agreeable to the eye. The 
writer of notes, also, must carefully discriminate be- 



CORRECT MODE OF WRITING INVITATIONS. 139 

tween the familiar note and the n&te of ceremony, 
and should learn how to write both. 

Custom demands that we begin all notes in the first 
person, with the formula of " My dear Mrs. Smith," 
and that we close with the expressions, " Yours cor- 
dially," "Yours with much regard," etc. The laws 
of etiquette do not permit us to use numerals, as 3, 
4, 6, but demand that we write out three, four, five. 
No abbreviations are allowed in a note to a friend, 
as, "S d be glad to see you;" one must write out, 
"I should be glad to see you." The older letter- 
writers were punctilious about writing the first word of 
the page below the last line of the page preceding it. 
The date should follow the signing of the name. 

A great and very common mistake existing among 
careless letter- writers is the confusion of the first and 
third persons ; as a child would write, " Miss Lucy 
Clark will be happy to come to dinner, but I am go- 
ing somewhere else." This is, of course, wildly igno- 
rant and improper. 

A note in answer to an invitation should be written 
in the third person, if the invitation be in the third 
person. No abbreviations, no visible hurry, but an 
elaborate and finished ceremony should mark such 
epistles. For instance, an acceptance of a dinner 
invitation must be written in this form ; 

Mr. and Mrs. Cadogan 

have great pleasure in accepting the polite 

invitation of 

Mr and Mrs. Sutherland 

for dinner on the seventeenth inst. , at seven o'clock, 

18 Lombard Square. 

July sixth. 



140 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES. 

One lady in New York was known to answer a din- 
ner invitation simply with the words, "Come with 
pleasure." It is unnecessary to add that she was 
never invited again. 

It is impossible to give persons minute directions as 
to the style of a note, for that must be the outgrowth 
of years of careful education, training, and good men- 
tal powers. " To write a pretty note " is also some- 
what of a gift. Some young men and young girls 
find it very easy, others can scarcely acquire the 
power. It is, however, absolutely necessary to strive 
for it. 

In the first place, arrange your ideas, know what 
you want to say, and approach the business of writing 
a note with a certain thoughtfulness. If it is neces- 
sary to write it hastily, summon all your powers of 
mind, and try to make it brief, intelligible, and com- 
prehensive. 

Above all things, spell correctly. A word badly 
spelled stands out like a blot on a familiar or a cere- 
monious note. 

Do not send a blurred, blotted, slovenly note to 
any one ; it will remain to call up a certain prejudice 
against you in the mind of the recipient. The fashion 
is not now, as it once was, imperative that a margin 
be left around the edge of the paper. People now 
write all over the paper, and thus abolish a certain 
elegance which the old letters undoubtedly possessed. 
But postage is a consideration, and all we can ask of 
the youthful letter-writers is that they will not cross 
their letters. Plaid letters are the horror of all peo- 
ple who have not the eyes of a. hawk. 



CUSTOM OF SEALING NOTES STILL IN USE. 141 

No letter or note should be written on ruled paper. 
To do so is both inelegant and unfashionable, and sa- 
vors of the school-room. Every young person should 
learn to write without lines. 

The custom of closing all ceremonious notes with 
sealing-wax is still adhered to by the most fastidious. 
It would be absurd, however, to say that it is nearly as 
common as the more convenient habit of moistening 
the gummed envelope, but it is far more elegant, 
and every young person should learn how to seal a 
note properly. To get a good impression from an en- 
graved stone seal, anoint it lightly with linseed-oil, to 
keep the wax from adhering; then dust it with rouge 
powder to take off the gloss, and press it quickly, but 
firmly, on the melted wax. 

Dates and numerical designations, such as the num- 
ber of a house, may be written in Arabic figures, but 
quantities should be expressed in words. Few abbre- 
viations are respectful. A married lady should al- 
ways be addressed with the prefix of her husband's 
Christian name, as " Mrs. John J. Astor," etc. 

In this country, where we have no titles, it is the 
custom to abbreviate everything except the title of 
" Reverend," which we always give to the clergy. 
But it would be better if we made a practice of giving 
to each person his special title, and to all returned 
ambassadors, members of Congress, and members of 
the Legislature the title of " Honorable." The Ro- 
man Catholic clergy and the bishops of the Episcopal 
and Methodist churches should be addressed by their 
proper titles, and a note should be, like a salutation, 
infused with respect. It honors the writer and the 



142 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES. 

person to whom it is written, while a careless letter 
may injure both. 

In the year 1900 we see the monogram and the seal 
reinstated. 

No lady should ever pardon a man for sending her 
a type-written letter, unless on business ; nor should a 
lady presume to send such a letter to a friend if it is 
an invitation or an acceptance of one. 



CHAPTER XVII. 

COSTLY THY HABIT. 

We are often asked as to the appropriate dress to 
be worn at afternoon tea, at balls, at dinners, christen- 
ings, etc. 

Neatness and simple elegance should always charac- 
terize a lady, and after that she may be as expensive 
as she pleases, if only at the right time. And we may 
say here that simplicity and plainness characterize 
many a rich woman in a high place ; and one can al- 
ways tell a real lady from an imitation one by her 
style of dress. Vulgarity is readily seen even under 
a costly garment. There should be harmony and fit- 
ness, and suitability as to age and times and seasons. 
Every one can avoid vulgarity and slovenliness; and 
in these days, when the fashions travel by telegraph, 
one can be a la mode. 

French women have a genius for dress. An old or 
a middle-aged woman understands how to make the 
best of herself in the assorting and harmonizing of 
colors; she never commits the mistake of making her- 
self too youthful. In our country we often see an old 
woman bedizened like a Figurante, imagining that she 
shall gain the graces of youth by borrowing its gar- 
ments. All this aping of youthful dress "multiplies 



144 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES. 

the wrinkles of old age, and makes its decay more con- 
spicuous." 

For balls in this country, elderly women are not ex- 
pected to go in low neck unless they wish to, so that 
the chaperon can wear a dress such as she would wear 
at a dinner — either a velvet or brocade, cut in Pompa- 
dour shape, with a profusion of beautiful lace. All her 
ornaments should match in character, and she should 
be as unlike her charge as possible. The young girls 
look best in light gossamer material, in tulle, crepe, or 
tarlatan, in pale light colors or in white, while an elder- 
ly, stout woman never looks so badly as in low-necked 
light-colored silks or satins. Young women look well 
in natural flowers ; elderly women, in feathers and 
jewelled head-dresses. 

If elderly women with full figure wear low-necked 
dresses, a lace shawl or scarf, or something of that sort, 
should be thrown over the neck; and the same advice 
might be given to thin and scrawny figures. A lady 
writes to us as to what dress should be worn at her 
child's christening. We should advise a high-necked 
dark silk; it may be of as handsome material as she 
chooses, but it should be plain and neat in general 
effect. No woman should overdress in her own house; 
it is the worst taste. All dress should correspond to 
the spirit of the entertainment given. Light - colored 
silks, sweeping trains, bonnets very gay and garnished 
with feathers, lace parasols, and light gloves, are fit 
for carriages at the races, but they are out of place for 
walking in the streets. They may do for a wedding 
reception, but they are not fit for a picnic or an excur- 
sion. Lawn parties, flower shows, and promenade con- 



MORNING DRESSES FOR LATE BREAKFAST. 145 

certs, should all be dressed for in a gay, bright fashion; 
and the costumes for these and for yachting purposes 
may be as effective and coquettish as possible; but for 
church, for readings, for a morning concert, for a walk, 
or a morning call on foot, a tailor-made costume, with 
plain, dark hat, is the most to be admired. Never 
wear a " dressy " bonnet in the street. 

The costumes for picnics, excursions, journeys, and 
the sea-side should be of a strong fabric, simple cut, 
and plain color. Things which will wash are better 
for our climate. Serge, tweed, and pique are the best. 
The trim tailor-made dresses and short skirts for bicy- 
cle riders leave nothing to be desired as to conciseness 
and health, but are not often becoming. 

A morning dress for a late breakfast may be as 
luxurious as one pleases. The modern fashion of imi- 
tation lace put on in great quantities over a foulard or 
a gingham, a muslin or a cotton, made up prettily, is 
suitable for women of all ages ; but an old " company 
dress " furbished up to do duty at a watering-place is 
terrible, and not to be endured. 

It has been the fashion of late years to wear full- 
dress at weddings. The groom at the same time 
wearing morning costume. It is an era of low necks 
for the young. The pendulum of fashion is swing- 
ing that way. We have spoken of this before, so 
only record the fact that the low neck will prevail in 
many summer evening house dresses as well as for 
morning weddings, the bride always wearing a high- 
necked dress. 

The fashion of draping skirts tightly should make 
all women very careful as to the way they sit down. 



146 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES. 

Some Frenchman said he could tell a gentleman by 
his walk; another has lately said that he can tell 
a lady by the way she sits down. A woman is al- 
lowed much less freedom of posture than a man. He 
may change his position as he likes, and loll or lounge, 
cross his legs, or even nurse his foot if he pleases; but 
a woman must have grace and dignity; in every gest- 
ure she must be " ladylike." Any one who has seen 
a great actress like Modjeska sit down will know what 
an acquired grace it is. 

A woman should remember that she "belongs to 
a sex which cannot afford to be grotesque." There 
should never be rowdiness or carelessness. 

The mania for extravagant dress on the stage, the 
pilces des. robes, is said to be one of the greatest ene- 
mies of the legitimate drama. The leading lady must 
have a conspicuous display of elaborate gowns, the 
latest inventions of the modistes. In Paris these 
stage costumes set the fashions, and bonnets and caps 
and gowns become individualized by their names. 
They look very well on the wearers, but they look 
very badly on some elderly, plain, middle-aged, stout 
woman who has adopted them. 

Plain satins and velvet, rich and dark brocades, made 
by an artist, make any one look well. The elderly 
woman should be able to move without effort or strain of 
any kind; a black silk well made is indispensable; and 
even " a celebrity of a by-gone day " may be made to look 
handsome by a judicious but not too brilliant toilette. 

The dress called "complimentary mourning," which 
is rather a contradiction in terms, is now made very 
elegant and dressy. Black and white in all the changes, 



DRESSES FOR AFTERNOON TEA. 147 

and black bugles and bead trimming, all the shades of 
lilac and of purple, are considered by the French as 
proper colors and trimmings in going out of black ; 
while for full mourning the English still preserve the 
cap, weepers, and veil, the plain muslin collar and cuffs, 
the crape dress, large black silk cloak, crape bonnet 
and veil. 

Heavy, ostentatious, and expensive habiliments are 
often worn in mourning, but they are not in the best 
taste. The plain-surfaced black silks are commenda- 
ble. 

For afternoon tea in this country the hostess gener- 
ally wears a handsome high-necked gown, often a com- 
bination of stamped or brocaded velvet, satin, and 
silk. She sometimes wears what in England is called a 
" tea-gown," which is a semi-loose garment. For visit- 
ing at afternoon teas no change is made from the or- 
dinary walking dress, unless the three or four ladies 
who help receive come in handsome reception dresses. 
A skirt of light brocade with a dark velvet over-dress 
is very much worn at these receptions, and if made by 
a French artist is a beautiful dress. These dark vel- 
vets are usually made high, with a very rich lace ruff. 

The high Medicean collar and pretty Medicean cap 
of velvet are in great favor with the middle-aged 
ladies of the present day, and are a very becoming 
style of dress for the opera. The present fashion of 
full dress at the opera, while it may not improve the 
music, certainly makes the house look very pretty and 
stately. 

Too many dresses are a mistake, even for an opulent 
woman. They get out of fashion, and excepting for a 



148 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES. 

girl going out to many balls they are entirely unnec- 
essary. A girl who is dancing needs to be perpetu- 
ally renewed, for she should be always fresh, and the 
u wear and tear " of the cotillon is enormous. There 
is nothing so poor as a dirty, faded, and patched-up 
ball-dress ; the dancer had better stay at home than 
wear such. 

The fashion of sleeves should be considered. A 
stout lady should wear, for a thin sleeve, black lace 
to the wrist, with bands of velvet running down, to 
diminish the size of the arm. All lace sleeves to the 
elbow, with drops of gold, or steel trimming, or jets, 
are very becoming to any arm. 

Tight lacing is very unbecoming to those who usu- 
ally adopt it — women of thirty-eight or forty, who are 
growing a little too stout. In thus trussing themselves 
up, they simply get an unbecoming redness of the face, 
and are not the handsome, comfortable-looking creat- 
ures which Heaven intended they should be. Two or 
three beautiful women, well-known in society, killed 
themselves by tight lacing. This has begun to at- 
tract the attention of physicians. The effect of an 
inch less waist was not apparent enough to make this 
a wise sacrifice of health and ease of breathing. 

At a lady's lunch party, which is always an occasion 
for handsome dress, and where bonnets are always 
worn, the faces of those who are too tightly dressed 
always show the strain by a most unbecoming flush ; 
and as American rooms are always too warm, the suf- 
fering must be enormous. 

It is a very foolish plan, also, to starve one's self, or 
"6a/i£,"for a graceful thinness; women only grow 



A WELL-DRESSED WOMAN. 149 

wrinkled, show crow's-feet under the eyes, and look 
less young than those who let themselves alone. 

A gorgeously dressed woman in the proper place is 
a fine sight. A well-dressed woman is she who under- 
stands herself and her surroundings. 

The recent edict of the Queen, that high dresses 
and long sleeves may be worn on a Presentation, will 
revolutionize costume in England. It, however, gives 
elderly and delicate women a great advantage, as only 
the marble skins look well on a cold English morning. 

Tea-gowns are worn at receptions and afternoon 
teas, sometimes at small dinners in England and the 
United States, in 1900. They are very beautiful 
dresses, often of white satin trimmed with sable, and 
are most restful after a spin on the bicycle or the stiff 
habit required by horseback riding. They give a re- 
lief from the wearisome corset, and can be the most 
Oriental and charming things in the world. 

The present fashion of white waists, or waists of a 
different color from the dress, is very cleanly, conven- 
ient, and economical, but singularly unbecoming to the 
average woman. 



CHAPTER XVIII. 

DRESSING FOR DRIVING. 

No one who has seen the coaching parade in New 
York can have failed to observe the extraordinary 
change which has come over the fashion in dress for 
this conspicuous occasion. Formerly ladies wore black 
silks, or some dark or low-toned color in woollen or 
cotton or silk ; and a woman who should have worn 
a white dress on top of a coach would, ten years ago, 
have been thought to make herself undesirably con- 
spicuous. 

Now the brightest colored and richest silks, orange, 
blue, pink, and lilac dresses, trimmed with lace flounces, 
dinner dresses, in fact — all the charming confections 
of Worth or Piugat — are freely displayed on the 
coach -tops, with the utmost graciousness, for every 
passer-by to comment on. The lady on the top of a 
coach without a mantle appears very much as she 
would at a full-dress ball or dinner. She then com- 
plains that sometimes ill-natured remarks float up 
from the gazers, and that the ladies are insulted. 
The fashion began at Longchamps and at Ascot, 
where, especially at the former place, a lady was 
privileged to sit in her victoria, with her lilac silk 
full ruffled to the waist, in the most perfect and aris- 
tocratic seclusion. Then the fast set of the Prince 



EXAGGERATED STYLES OF DEESS. 151 

of Wales took it up, and plunged into rivalry in dress- 
ing for the public procession through the London 
streets, where a lady became as prominent an object 
of observation as the Lord Mayor's coach. It has 
been taken up and developed in America until it has 
reached a climax of splendor and, if we may say so, 
inappropriateness, that is characteristic of the follow- 
ing of foreign fashions in this country. How can a 
white satin, trimmed with lace, or an orange silk, be 
the dress in which a lady should meet the sun, the 
rain, or the dust of a coaching expedition ? Is it the 
dress in which she feels that she ought to meet the 
gaze of a mixed assemblage in a crowded hotel or in 
a much frequented thoroughfare ? What change of 
dress can there be left for the drawing-room ? 

We are glad to see that the Princess of Wales, 
whose taste seems to be as nearly perfect as may be, 
has determined to set her pretty face against this 
exaggerated use of color. She appeared recently in 
London, on top of a coach, in a suit of navy-blue 
flannel. Again, she and the Empress of Austria were 
described as wearing dark, neat suits of drap d'ete, 
and also broadcloth dresses. One can see the delicate 
figures and refined features of these two royal beau- 
ties in this neat and inconspicuous dress, and, when 
they are contrasted with the flaunting pink and white 
and lace and orange dresses of those who are not' 
royal, how vulgar the extravagance in color becomes ! 

Our grandmothers travelled in broadcloth riding- 
habits, and we often pity them for the heat and the 
distress which they must have endured in the heavy, 
high -fitting, long-sleeved garments; yet we cannot 



152 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES. 

but think they would have looked better on top of 
a coach than their granddaughters — who should re- 
member, when they complain of the rude remarks, 
that we have no aristocracy here whose feelings the 
mob is obliged to respect, and that the plainer their 
dress the less apt they will be to hear unpleasant 
epithets applied to them. In the present somewhat 
aggressive Amazonian fashion, when a woman drives 
a man in her pony phaeton (he sitting several inches 
below her), there is no doubt much audacity uninten- 
tionally suggested by a gay dress. A vulgar man, 
seeing a lady in white velvet, Spanish lace, a large 
hat — in what he considers a "loud" dress — does not 
have the idea of modesty or of refinement conveyed 
to his mind by the sight ; he is very apt to laugh, and 
to say something not wholly respectful. Then the 
lady says, " With how little respect women are treated 
in large cities, or at Newport, or at Saratoga !" Were 
she more plainly dressed, in a dark foulard or an in- 
conspicuous flannel or cloth dress, with her hat simply 
arranged, she would be quite as pretty and better 
fitted for the matter she has in hand, and very much 
less exposed to invidious comment. Women dress 
plainly enough when tempting the " salt-sea wave," and 
also when on horseback. Nothing could be simpler than 
the riding-habit, and yet i& there any dress so becom- 
ing ? But on the coach they should not be too fine. 

Of course, women can dress as they please, but if 
they please to dress conspicuously they must be ready 
to take the consequences. A few years ago no lady 
would venture into the street unless a mantle or a 
scarf covered her shoulders. It was a lady-like pre- 



NO AID TO SHYNESS. 153 

caution. Then came the inglorious days of the "tied* 
backs," a style of dress most unbecoming to the fig- 
ure, and now happily no more. This preposterous 
fashion had, no doubt, its influence on the manners 
of the age. 

Better far, if women would parade their charms, the 
courtly dresses of those beauties of Bird-cage Walk, 
by St. James's Park, where "Lady Betty Modish" 
was born — full, long, bouffant brocades, hair piled 
high, long and graceful scarfs, and gloves reaching 
to the elbow. Even the rouge and powder were a 
mask to hide the cheek which did or did not blush 
when bold eyes were fastened upon it. Let us not 
be understood, however, as extolling these. The nine- 
teenth-century beauty mounts a coach with none of 
these aids to shyness. No suggestion of hiding any 
of her charms occurs to her. She goes out on the 
box seat without cloak or shawl, or anything but a 
hat on the back of her head and a gay parasol be- 
tween her and a possible thunder-storm. These ladies 
are not members of an acclimatization society. They 
cannot bring about a new climate. Do they not suffer 
from cold ? Do not the breezes go through them ? 
Answer, all ye pneumonias and diphtherias and rheu- 
matisms ! 

There is no delicacy in the htimor with which the 
funny papers and the caricaturists treat these very 
exaggerated costumes. No delicacy is required. A 
change to a quieter style of dress would soon abate 
this treatment of which so many ladies complain. Let 
them dress like the Princess of Wales,with the simplic- 
ity of the late Empress of Austria, when in the con- 



154 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES. 

spicuous high-relief of the coach, and the result will be 
that ladies, married or single, will not be subjected to 
the insults of which so many of them complain, and of 
which the papers are full after every coaching parade. 

Lady riders are seldom obliged to complain of the 
incivility of a passer-by. Theirs are modest figures, 
and, as a general thing nowadays, they ride well. 
A lady can alight from her horse and walk about in 
a crowded place without hearing an offensive word : 
she is properly dressed for her exercise. 

Nor, again, is a young lady in a lawn-tennis suit or 
golf suit assailed by the impertinent criticisms of a 
mixed crowd of bystanders. Thousands play at New- 
port, Saratoga, and other places of resort, with thou- 
sands looking on, and no one utters a word of rebuke. 
The short flannel skirt and close Jersey are needed for 
the active runner, and her somewhat eccentric appear- 
ance is condoned. It is not considered an exhibition 
or a show, but a good, healthy game of physical exer- 
cise. People feel an interest and a pleasure in it. The 
game of golf is like the old-fashioned merry-making 
of the May-pole, the friendly jousts of neighbors on 
the comnion playground of the neighborhood, with the 
dances under the walnut-trees of sunny Provence. The 
game is an invigorating one, and even those who do 
not know it are pleased with its animation. We have 
hitherto neglected that gymnastic cullure which made 
the Greeks the graceful people they were, and which 
contributed so much to the serenity of their minds. 

Nobody finds anything to laugh at in any of these 
costumes ; but when people see a ball-dress mount- 
ed high on a coach they are very apt to laugh at it ; 



TIGHT LACING. 155 

and women seldom come home from a coaching par- 
ade without a tingling cheek and a feeling of shame 
because of some comment upon their dress and ap- 
pearance. A young lady drove up, last summer, to 
the Ocean House at Newport in a pony phaeton, and 
was offended because a gentleman on the piazza said, 
"That girl has a very small waist, and she means 
us to see it." Who was to blame ? The young lady 
was dressed in a very conspicuous manner: she had 
neither mantle nor jacket about her, and she probably 
did mean that her waist should be seen. 

There is a growing objection all over the world to 
the hour-glass shape once so fashionable, and we ought 
to welcome it as the best evidence of a tendency tc 
wards a more sensible form of dress, as well as on. 
more conducive to health and the wholesome dis- 
charge of a woman's natural and most important 
functions. But if a woman laces herself into a six- 
teen-inch belt, and then clothes herself in brocade, lace, 
satin, and bright colors, and makes herself conspicu- 
ous, she should not object to the fact that men, see- 
ing her throw aside her mantle, comment upon her 
charms in no measured terms. She has no one to 
blame but herself. 

We might add that by this over-dressing women 
deprive themselves of the advantage of contrast in 
style. Lace, in particular, is for the house and for 
the full-dress dinner or ball. So of the light, gay 
silks, which have no fitness of fold or of texture for 
the climbing of a coach. If bright colors are desired, 
let ladies choose the merinos and nuns' veilings for 
coaching dresses ; or, better still, let them dress ia 



156 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES. 

dark colors, in plain and inconspicuous dresses, which 
seem to defy both dust and sun and rain as well. 
On top of a coach they are far more exposed to the 
elements than when on the deck of a yacht. 

Nor, because the fast set of the Prince of Wales 
do so in London, is there any reason why American 
women should appear on top of a coach dressed in red 
velvet and white satin. Let them remember the fact 
that the Queen had placed Windsor Castle at the dis- 
posal of the Prince for his use during Ascot week, but 
that when she learned that two somewhat conspicuous 
American beauties were expected, she rescinded the 
loan and told the Prince to entertain his guests else- 
where. Americans should be more prudent. 

American ladies now follow the sensible English 
fashion, however, and dress plainly on top of a coach. 
It is much better taste. But who shall present a be- 
coming dress for the flower of the nineteenth cen- 
tury, the useful but unbecoming bicycle? Never be- 
fore were women so utterly regardless of the unbe- 
coming as they are when on a bicycle. It should be 
the business of our American Congress of Matrons to 
devise a bicycle dress. 



CHAPTER XIX. 

THE ETIQUETTE OF GOLF. 

" The game of golf," says Andrew Lang, its gifted 
poet and its historian, " has been described as putting 
little balls into holes difficult to find, with instruments 
which are sadly inadequate and illy adapted to the 
purpose." Its learned home is St. Andrews, in Scot- 
land, although its advocates give it several classic 
starting-points. Learned antiquarians seem to think 
that the name comes from a Celtic word meaning 
club. It is certainly an ancient game, and some vari- 
ation of it was known on the Continent under various 
names. 

The game requires room. A golf-course of nine 
holes should be at least a mile and a half long, and a 
hundred and twenty feet wide. It is usual to so lay 
out the course that the player ends where he began. 
All sorts of obstructions are left, or made artificially — 
running water, railway embankments, bushes, ditches, 
etc. 

The game is played with a gutta-percha ball, about 
an inch and a quarter in diameter, and a variety of 
clubs, with wooden or iron heads, whose individual use 
depends on the position in which the ball lies. It is 



158 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES. 

usual for each player to be followed by a boy, who 
carries his clubs and watches his ball, marking it 
down as it falls. Games are either singles — that is, 
when two persons play against one another, each hav- 
ing a ball — or fours, when there are two on each side, 
partners playing alternately on one ball. 

The start is made near the club-house at a place 
called the tee. Down the course, anywhere from two 
hundred and fifty to five hundred yards distant, is a 
level space, fifty feet square, called a putting-green, 
and in its centre is a hole about four and a half inches 
in diameter and of the same depth. This is the first 
hole, and the contestant who puts his ball into it in the 
fewest number of strokes wins the hole. As the score 
is kept by strokes, the ball that is behind is played 
first. In this way the players are always together. 

For his first shot from the tee, the player uses a club 
called the driver. It has a wooden head and a long, 
springy, hickory handle. With this an expert will 
drive a ball for two hundred yards. It is needless to 
say that the beginner is not so successful. After the 
first shot a cleek is used ; or if the ball is in a bad 
hole, a mashie ; if it is necessary to loft it, an iron, and 
so on — the particular club depending, as we have said, 
on the position in which the ball lies. 

The first hole won, the contestants start from a tee- 
ing-ground close by it, and for the second hole, and so 
on around the course — the one who has w T on the most 
holes being the winner. 

" A fine day, a good match, and a clear green," is 
the paradise of the golfer, but it still can be played all 
the year and even, by the use of a red ball, when snow 



ACCUEACY OF HITTING. 159 

is on the ground. In Scotland and athletic England 
it is a game for players of all ages, though in nearly- 
all clubs children are not allowed. It can be played 
by both sexes. 

A beginner's inclination is to grasp a golf-club as 
he would a cricket-bat, more firmly with the right 
hand than with the left, or at times equally firm with 
both hands. Now, in golf, in making a full drive, the 
club when brought back must be held firmly with the 
left hand and more loosely with the right, because 
when the club is raised above the shoulder and brought 
round the back of the neck, the grasp of one hand or 
the other must relax, and the hand to give way must 
be the right hand and not the left. The force of the 
club must be brought squarely against the ball. 

The keeping of one's balance is another difficulty. 
In preparing to strike, the player bends forward a lit- 
tle. In drawing back his club he raises, or should 
raise, his left heel from the ground, and at the end of 
the upward swing stands poised on his right foot and 
the toe or ball of the left foot. At this point there is 
danger of his losing his balance, and as he brings the 
club down, falling either forward or backward, and 
consequently either heeling or toeing the ball, instead 
of hitting it with the middle of the face. Accuracy 
of hitting depends greatly on keeping a firm and steady 
hold of the ground, with the toe of the left foot, and 
not bending the left knee too much. 

To " keep your eye on the ball " sounds an injunc- 
tion easy to be obeyed, but it is not always so. In 
making any considerable stroke, the player's body 
makes, or should make, a quarter turn, and the diffi- 



160 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES. 

culty is to keep the head steady, and the eye fixed 
upon the ball while doing this. 

Like all other games, golf has its technical terms ; 
the " teeing-ground," " putting," the " high-lofting 
stroke," " slicing," the " approach shot," " hammer- 
hurling," " topping," " hooking," " skidding," and 
" foozling," mean little to the uninitiated, but every- 
thing to the golfer. 

Let us copy verbatum the following description of 
the links of St. Andrews, the Elysium of the braw 
Scots : 

" The links occupy a crook-necked stretch of land 
bordered on the east by the sea, and on the left by the 
railway and by the wide estuary of the Eden. The 
course, out and in, is some two miles and a half in 
length, allowing for the pursuit of balls not driven 
quite straight. Few pieces of land have given so much 
inexpensive pleasure for centuries. The first hole is 
to some extent carpeted by grass rather longer and 
rougher that the rest of the links. On the left lie some 
new houses and a big hotel; they can only be ' hazards ' 
on the outward tack to a very wild driver indeed." 

These " hazards " mean, dear reader, that if you and 
I are stopping at that big hotel, we may have our eyes 
put out by a passing ball ; small grief would that be 
to a golfer ! 

" On the right it is just possible to ' heel ' the ball 
over heaps of rubbish into the sea sand. The natural 
and orthodox hazards are few. Everybody should clear 
the road from the tee ; if he does not the ruts are ten- 
acious. The second shot should either cross or fall 
short of the celebrated Swilcan Burn. This tributary 



THE LINKS OF ST. ANDREWS. 161 

of ocean is extremely shallow, and meanders through 
stone embankments, hither, thither, between the tee 
and the hole. The number of balls that run into it, or 
jump in from the opposite bank, or off the old stone 
foot-bridge, is enormous ! People 'funk' the burn, 
top their iron shots, and are engulfed. Once you cross 
it, the hole whether to right or left is easily ap- 
proached. 

"The second hole, when the course is on the left, is 
guarded near the tee by the ' Scholars' Bunker,' a sand 
face which swallows a topped ball. On the right of 
the course are wins, much scantier now than of old ; on 
the left you may get into long grass, and thence into 
a very sandy road under a wall, a nasty lie. The hole 
is sentinelled by two bunkers, and many an approach 
lights in one or the other. The putting-green is nub- 
bly and difficult. 

"Driving to the third hole, on the left you may 
alight in the railway, or a straight hit may tumble 
into one of three bunkers, in a knoll styled 'the Prin- 
cipal's Nose.' There are more bunkers lying in wait 
close to the putting-green. 

"The driver to the fourth hole has to 'carry' some 
low hills and mounds; then comes a bunker that yawns 
almost across the course, with a small outpost named 
Sutherlands, which Englishmen profanely desired to 
fill up. This is impious. The long bunker has a but- 
tress, a disagreeable round knoll ; from this to the 
hole is open country if you keep to the right, but it is 
whinny. On the left, bunkers and broken ground 
stretch, and there is a convenient sepulchre of hope 
here, and another beyond the hole." 
11 



162 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES. 

As you drive to the fifth hole you may have to 
clear " hell/' but " hell " is not what it was. The first 
shot should carry you to the broken spurs of a table- 
land, the Elysian Fields, in which there yawn the Bear- 
dies, deep, narrow, greedy bunkers. Beyond the table- 
land there is a gorge, and beyond it again a beautiful 
stretch of land and the putting-green. To the right 
is plenty of deep bent grass and gorse. This is a long 
hole and full of difficulties, the left side near the hole 
being guarded by irregular and dangerous bunkers. 

"The sixth or heathery hole has lost most of its 
heather, but is a teaser. A heeled ball from the tee 
drops into the worst whins of the course in a chaos of 
steep, difficult hills. A straight ball topped falls into 
' Walkinshaw's Grave,' or, if very badly topped, into a 
little spiteful pitfall ; it is the usual receptacle of a 
well-hit second ball on its return journey. Escaping 
6 Walkinshaw's Grave,' you have a stretch of very 
rugged and broken country, bunkers on the left, 
bent grass on the right, before you reach the sixth 
hole. 

"The next, the high hole, is often shifted. It is 
usually placed between a network of bunkers with 
rough grass immediately beyond it. The first shot 
should open the hole and let you see the uncomfortable 
district into which you have to play. You may ap- 
proach from the left, running the ball up a narrow 
causeway between the bunkers, but it is usually at- 
tempted from the front. Grief, in any case, is almost 
unavoidable." 

It is evident the Scotch pleasure in " contradeect- 
in' " is emphasized in golf. 



GOLF UNIFORM. 163 

One gets a wholesome sense of invigorating sea air, 
healthy exercise, and that delightful smell of the short, 
fresh grass. One sees " the beauty of the wild, aerial 
landscape, the delicate tints of sand, and low, far-off 
hills, the distant crest of Lochnager, the gleaming estu- 
ary, and the black cluster of ruined towers above the 
bay which make the charm of St. Andrews Links." 

Golf has come to our country, and is becoming a 
passion. There is a club at Yonkers and one at Cedar- 
hurst, but that on the Shinnecock Hills, on Long Isl- 
and, will probably be the great headquarters of golf 
in the United States, as this club owns eighty acres, 
beautifully adapted to the uses of the game, and has 
a large club-house, designed by Stanford White. 

So we may expect an American historian to write 
an account of this fine, vigorous game, in some future 
Badminton Library of sports and pastimes ; and we 
shall have our own dear " fifth hole, which offers every 
possible facility to the erratic driver for coming to 
grief," if we can be as " contradeectin' n as a Scot. 
You never hear one word about victory ; this golf lit- 
erature is all written in the minor key, but it is a gay 
thing to look at. 

The regular golf uniform is a red jacket and a short, 
tight skirt for women, which adds to the gayety of a 
green, and has its obvious advantages. 

" Ladies' links should be laid out on the model, 
though on a smaller scale, of the long round, contain- 
ing some short putting-holes, some larger holes admit- 
ting of a drive or two of seventy or eighty yards, and 
a few suitable hazards. We venture to suggest sev- 
enty or eighty yards as the average limit of a drive, 



164 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES. 

advisedly, not because we doubt a lady's power to 
make a longer drive, but because that cannot be well 
done without raising the club above the shoulder. 
Now we do not presume to dictate, but we must ob- 
serve that the posture and gestures requisite for a full 
swing are not particularly graceful when the player is 
clad in female dress. 

" Most ladies play well, and all the better because 
they play boldly for the hole, without considering too 
much the lay of the ground ; and there is no reason 
why they should not practise and excel in wrist shots 
with a lofting-iron or cleek. Their right to play, or 
rather the expediency of their playing, the long round 
is much more doubtful. If they choose to play at times 
when the male golfers are feeding or resting, no one 
can object ; but at other times — must we say it ? — they 
are in the way, just because gallantry forbids to treat 
them exactly as men. The tender mercies of the golfer 
are cruel. He cannot afford to be merciful, because, 
if he forbears to drive into the party in front, he is 
promptly driven into from behind. It is a hard lot to 
follow a party of ladies with a powerful driver behind 
you, if you are troubled with a spark of chivalry or 
shyness, young masculine player ! 

" As to the ladies playing the long round with men 
as their partners, it may be sufficient to say, in the 
words of a promising young player, who found it hard 
to decide between flirtation and playing the game, 'It 
is mighty pleasant, but it is not business.' " 

To learn this game requires months of practice, and 
great nerve and talent for it. I shall not attempt to 
define what is meant by "dormy," " divot," " foozle," 



THE THEORY AND PRACTICE OF GOLF. 165 

"gobble," "grip," or "gully." "Mashy, a straight- 
faced niblich," is one of these definitions. 

Horace G. Hutchinson's book on golf is a most en- 
tertaining work, if for no other reason than its humor, 
the pleasant out-of-door atmosphere, the true enthusi- 
asm for the game, and the illustrations, which are very 
well drawn, all make it an addition to one's knowledge 
of athletic sports. 

That golf has taken its place in the sport-loving 
world we have no better proof than the very 
nice description of it in Norris's novel of "Marcia." 
This clever writer introduces a scene where "Lady 
Evelyn backs the winner," in the following sprightly 
manner: 

" Not many years ago, all golfers who dwelt south 
of the Tweed were compelled, when speaking of their 
favorite relaxation, to take up an apologetic tone ; 
they had to explain with humility, and with the chill- 
ing certainty of being disbelieved, that an immense 
amount of experience, dexterity, and self-command are 
requisite in order to make sure of hitting a little ball 
across five hundred yards of broken ground, and de- 
positing it in a small hole in four or five strokes ; but 
now that golf-links have been established all over 
England, there is no longer any need to make excuses 
for one of the finest games that human ingenuity or 
the accident of circumstances has ever called into 
existence. The theory of the game is simplicity itself : 
you have only to put your ball into a hole in one or 
less strokes than your opponent ; but the practice 
is full of difficulty, and, what is better still, full of 
endless variety, so that you may go on playing golf 



166 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES. 

from the age of eight to that of eighty, and yet never 
grow tired of it. Indeed, the circumstance that 
gray-haired enthusiasts are to be seen enjoying 
themselves thoroughly, and losing their tempers lu- 
dicrously, wherever ' the royal and ancient sport ' has 
taken root, has caused certain ignorant persons to de- 
scribe golf contemptuously as the old gentleman's 
game. Such criticisms, however, come only from 
those who have not attempted to acquire the game." 

We advise all incipient golfers to read " Marcia," 
and to see how well golf and love-making can go to- 
gether. 

Golf has its poetic and humoristic literature ; and 
as we began with its poetic side we may end with its 
broadest, latest joke : 

Two well-known professional golfers were playing 
a match. We will call them Sandy and Jock. On 
one side of the golf course was a railway, over which 
Jock drove his ball, landing it in some long grass. 
They both hunted for a long time for the missing 
ball. Sandy wanted Jock to give in, and say that the 
ball was lost; but Jock would not consent, as a lost 
ball meant a lost hole. They continued to look round, 
and Jock slyly dropped another ball, and then came 
back and cried, " I've found the ba', Sandy." 

"Ye're a leear," said Sandy," "for here 'tis in ma 
pooch." 

We commend also "Famous Golf Links," by 
Hutchinson, as clear and agreeable reading. 



CHAPTER XX. 

ETIQUETTE OF MOURNING. 

There is no possibility of touching upon the sub- 
ject of death and burial, and the conditions under 
which funerals should be conducted, without hurting 
some one's feelings. The Duke of Sutherland's attempt 
in England to do away with the dreadful shape which 
causes a shudder to all who have lost a friend — that 
of the coffin — was called irreverent, because he sug- 
gested that the dead should be buried in wicker-work 
baskets, with fern-leaves for shrouds, so that the poor 
clay might the more easily return to mother earth. 
Those who favor cremation suffer again a still more 
frantic disesteem; and yet every one deplores the 
present gloomy apparatus and dismal observances of 
our occasions of mourning. 

Death is still to the most Christian and resigned 
heart a very terrible fact, a shock to all who live, 
and its surroundings, do what we will, are painful. 
"I smell the mould above the rose," says Hood, in 
his pathetic lines on his daughter's death. There- 
fore, we have a difficulty to contend with in the 
wearing of black, which is of itself, to begin with, 
negatory of our professed belief in the resurrection. 
We confess the logic of despair when we drape our- 
selves in its gloomy folds. The dress which we 



168 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES. 

should wear, one would think, might be blue, the 
color of the sky, or white, in token of light which the 
redeemed soul has reached. 

Custom, which makes slaves of us all, has decreed 
that we shall wear black, as a mark of respect to 
those we have lost, and as a shroud for ourselves, 
protesting against the gentle ministration of light 
and cheerfulness with which our Lord ever strives 
to reach us. This is one side of the question ; but, 
again, one word as to its good offices. A mourning 
dress does protect a woman while in deepest grief 
against the untimely gayety of a passing stranger. 
It is a wall, a cell of refuge. Behind a black veil 
she can hide herself as she goes out for business or 
recreation, fearless of any intrusion. 

The black veil, on the other hand, is most un- 
healthy: it harms the eyes and it injures the skin. 
As it rubs against the nose and forehead it is almost 
certain to cause abrasions, and often makes an annoy- 
ing sore. To the eyes enfeebled by weeping it is sure 
to be dangerous, and most oculists now forbid it. 

The English, from whom we borrow our fashion 
in funeral matters, have a limitation provided by so- 
cial law which is a useful thing. They now decree 
that crape shall only be worn six months, even for 
the nearest relative, and that the duration of mourn- 
ing shall not exceed a year. A wife's mourning for 
her husband is the most conventionally deep mourn- 
ing allowed, and every one who has seen an English 
widow will agree that she makes a "hearse" of herself. 
Bombazine and crape, a widow's cap, and a long, thick 
veil — such is the modern English idea. Some widows 



ENGLISH MOURNING CUSTOMS. 169 

even have the cap made of black crdpe lisse, but it is 
generally of white. In this country a widow's first 
mourning dresses are covered almost entirely with 
crape, a most costly and disagreeable material, easily 
ruined by the dampness and dust — a sort of peniten- 
tial and self-mortifying dress, and very ugly and very 
expensive. There are now, however, other and more 
agreeable fabrics which also bear the dead black, lus° 
treless look which is alone considered respectful to the 
dead, and which are not so costly as crape, or so disa- 
greeable to wear. The Henrietta cloth and imperial 
serges are chosen for heavy winter dresses, while for 
those of less weight are tamise cloth, Bayonnaise, gren- 
adine, nuns' veiling, and the American silk. 

Our mourning usages are not overloaded with 
what may be called the pomp, pride, and circum- 
stance of woe which characterize English funerals. 
Indeed, so overdone are mourning ceremonies in 
England — what with the hired mutes, the nodding 
plumes, the costly coffin, and the gifts of gloves 
and bands and rings, etc. — that Lady Georgiana 
Milnor, of Nunappleton, in York, a great friend of 
the Archbishop, wrote a book against the abuse, 
ordered her own body to be buried in a pine coffin, 
and forbade her servants and relatives to wear 
mourning. Her wishes were carried out to the 
letter. A black, cloth - covered casket with silver 
mountings is considered in the best taste, and the 
pall-bearers are given at most a white scarf and a pair 
of black gloves. Even this is not always done. At 
one time the traffic in these returned bands and gloves 
was quite a fortune to the undertaker. 



170 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES. 

Mourning is very expensive, and often costs a fam- 
ily more than they can well afford ; but it is a sacri- 
fice that even the poorest gladly make, and those who 
can least afford it often wear the best mourning, so 
Tyrannical is custom. They consider it — by what proc- 
ess of reasoning no one can understand, unless it be 
out of a hereditary belief that we hold in the heathen 
idea of propitiating the manes of the departed — an 
act of disrespect to the memory of the dead if the 
living are not clad in gloomy black. 

However, our business is with the etiquette of 
mourning. Widows wear deep mourning, consisting 
of woollen stuffs and crape, for about two years, and 
sometimes for life, in America. Children wear the 
same for parents for one year, and then lighten it 
with black silk, trimmed with crape. Half - mourn- 
ing gradations of gray, purple, or lilac have been 
reinstated, and combinations of black and white 
are used. Complimentary mourning is black silk 
without crape. The French have three grades of 
mourning — deep, ordinary, and half mourning. In 
deep mourning, woollen cloths only are worn ; in or- 
dinary mourning, silk and woollen ; in half mourning, 
gray and violet. An American lady is always shocked 
at the gayety and cheerfulness of French mourning. 
In France, etiquette prescribes mourning for a hus- 
band for one year and six weeks — that is, six months 
of deep mourning, six of ordinary, and six weeks of 
half mourning. For a wife, a father, or a mother, 
six months — three deep and three half mourning; 
for a grandparent, two months and a half of slight 
mourning; for a brother or a sister, two months, one 



THE PERIODS OF MOURNING. 171 

of which is in deep mourning; for an uncle or an 
aunt, three weeks of ordinary black. In America, 
with no fixity of rule, ladies have been known to go 
into deepest mourning for their own relatives or those 
of their husbands, or for people, perhaps, whom they 
have never seen, and have remained as gloomy mon- 
uments of bereavement for seven or ten years, con- 
stantly in black ; then, on losing a child or a relative 
dearly loved, they have no extremity of dress left 
to express the real grief which fills their lives — no 
deeper black to go into. This complimentary mourn- 
ing should be, as in the French custom, limited to two 
or three weeks. The health of a delicate child has 
been known to be seriously affected by the constant 
spectacle of his mother in deep mourning. Therefore 
every mourner should try to curtail this period. 

The period of a mourner's retirement from the world 
has been very much shortened of late. For one year no 
formal visiting is undertaken, nor is there any gayety in 
the house. Black is often worn for a husband, or wife, 
or child two years, for parents one year, and for broth- 
ers and sisters one year ; a heavy black is lightened 
after that period. Ladies are beginning to wear a small 
black gauze veil over the face, and are in the habit of 
throwing the heavy crape veil back over the hat. It 
is also proper to wear a quiet black dress when going 
to a funeral, although this is not absolutely necessary. 

Friends should call on the bereaved family within a 
month, not expecting, of course, to see them. Kind notes 
expressing sympathy are most welcome to the afflicted 
from intimate friends, and gifts of flowers, or any testi- 
monial of sympathy, are thoughtful and appropriate. 



172 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES. 

Cards and note-paper are now put into mourning 
by those who desire to, express conventionally their 
regret for the dead; but very broad borders of black 
look like ostentation, and are in undoubted bad taste. 
No doubt all these things are proper enough in their 
way, but a narrow border of black tells the story of loss 
as well as an inch of coal-black gloom. The fashion 
of wearing handkerchiefs which are made with a two- 
inch square of white cambric and a four-inch border 
of black may well be deprecated. A gay young 
widow at Washington was once seen dancing at a re- 
ception, a few months after the death of her soldier 
husband, with a long black veil on, and holding in her 
black-gloved hand one of these handkerchiefs, which 
looked as if it had been dipped in ink. "She should 
have dipped it in blood,' 5 said a by-stander. Under 
such circumstances we learn how much significance is 
to be attached to the grief expressed by a mourning 
veil. Not always much ! 

The mourning which soldiers, sailors, and courtiers 
wear has something . pathetic and effective about it. 
A flag draped with crape, a gray cadet-sleeve with a 
black band, or a long piece of crape about the left 
arm of a senator, a black weed on a hat, these always 
touch us. They would even appear to suggest that 
the lighter the black, the more fully the feeling of 
the heart is expressed. If we love our dead, there is 
no danger that we shall forget them. " The custom- 
ary suit of solemn black " is not needed when we can 
wear it in our hearts. 

For lighter mourning jet is used on silk, and there is 
no doubt that it makes a very handsome dress. It is 
13 



FRENCH MOURNING COSTUMES. 173 

a singular fact that there is a certain comfort to some 
people in wearing very handsome black. Worth, on 
being asked to dress an American widow whom he 
had never seen, sent for her photograph, for he said 
that he wished to see " whether she was the sort of 
woman who would relish a becoming black." 

Very elegant dresses are made with jet embroidery 
on crape — the beautiful soft French crape — but lace is 
never " mourning." Even the French, who have very 
light ideas on the subject, do not trim the most orna- 
mental dresses with lace during the period of even 
second mourning, except when they put the woollen 
yak lace on a cloth cloak or mantilla. During a very 
dressy half mourning, however, black lace may be 
worn on white silk; but this is questionable. Dia- 
mond ornaments set in black enamel are allowed even 
in the deepest mourning, and also pearls set in black. 
The initials of the deceased, in black brilliants or 
pearls, are now set in lockets and sleeve-buttons, or 
pins. Gold ornaments are never worn in mourning. 

White silk, embroidered with black jet, is used in 
the second stage of court mourning, with black gloves. 
Deep red is deemed in England a proper alternative 
for mourning black, if the wearer be called upon to 
go to a wedding during the period of the first year's 
mourning. At St. George's, Hanover Square, there- 
fore, one may often see a widow assisting at the wed= 
ding of a daughter or a son, and dressed in a superb 
red brocade or velvet, which, directly the wedding is 
over, she will discard for her solemn black. 

The question of black gloves is one which troubles 
all who are obliged to wear mourning through the 



174 ' MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES. 

heat of summer. The black kid glove is painfully 
warm and smutty, disfiguring the hand and soiling 
the handkerchief and face. The Swedish kid glove 
is now much more in vogue, and the silk glove is 
made with such neatness and with such a number of 
buttons that it is equally stylish, and much cooler 
and more agreeable. 

Mourning bonnets are worn rather larger than or- 
dinary bonnets. In England they are still made of 
the old-fashioned cottage shape, and are very useful 
in carrying the heavy veil and in shading the face. 
The Queen has always worn this style of bonnet. 
Her widow's cap has never been laid aside, and with 
her long veil of white falling down her back when 
she appears at court, it makes the most becoming 
dress that she has ever worn. For such a grief as 
hers there is something appropriate and dignified in 
her adherence to the mourning - dress. It fully ex- 
presses her sad isolation: for a queen can have no near 
friends. The whole English nation has sympathized 
with her grief, and commended her black dress. Nor 
can we criticise the grief which causes a mother to 
wear mourning for her children. If it be any comfort 
to her to wrap herself in crape, she ought to do so. 
The world has no right to quarrel with those who 
prefer to put ashes on their heads ; but in this she 
should remember that her deep mourning often afflicts 
her other children, as it always does her husband. 

But for the mockery, the conventional absurdities, 
and the affectations which so readily lend themselves 
to caricature in the name of mourning, no condemna- 
tion can be too strong. There is a ghoul-like ghastli- 



FUNERAL ETIQUETTE. 175 

ness in talking about "ornamental," or "becoming," 
or " complimentary " mourning. 

People of sense, of course, manage to dress without 
going to extremities in either direction. We see many 
a pale-faced mourner whose quiet mourning-dress tells 
the story of bereavement without giving us the pain- 
ful feeling that crape is too thick, or bombazine too 
heavy, for comfort. Exaggeration is to be deprecated 
in mourning as in everything. 

The discarding of mourning should be effected by 
gradations. It shocks persons of good taste to see a 
light-hearted young widow jump into colors, as if she 
had been counting the hours. If black is to be dis- 
pensed with, let its retirement be slowly and grace- 
fully marked by quiet costumes, as the feeling of 
grief, yielding to the kindly influence of time, is 
shaded off into resignation and cheerfulness. We do 
not forget our dead, but we mourn for them with a 
feeling which no longer partakes of anguish. 

Before a funeral the ladies of a family see no one 
but the most intimate friends. The gentlemen, of 
course, must see the clergyman and oflicials who 
manage the ceremony. It is now the almost universal 
practice to carry the remains to a church, where the 
friends of the family can pay the last tribute of re- 
spect without crowding into a private house. Pall- 
bearers are invited by note, and assemble at the house 
of the deceased, accompanying the remains, after the 
ceremonies at the church, to their final resting-place. 
The nearest lady friends seldom go to the church or 
to the grave. This is, however, entirely a matter of 
feeling, and they can go if they wish. After the fu- 



176 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES. 

neral only the members of the family return to the 
house, and it is not expected that a bereaved wife or 
mother will see any one other than the members of 
her family for several weeks. 

The preparations for a funeral in the house are com- 
mitted to the care of an undertaker, who removes the 
furniture from the drawing-room, filling all the space 
possible with camp-stools. The clergyman reads the 
service at the head of the coffin, the relatives being 
grouped around. The body, if not disfigured by dis- 
ease, is often dressed in the clothes worn in life, and 
laid in an open casket, as if reposing on a sofa, and all 
friends are asked to take a last look. It is, however, 
a somewhat ghastly proceeding to try to make the 
dead look like the living. The body of a man is usu- 
ally dressed in black. A young boy is laid out in his 
every-day clothes, but surely the young of both sexes 
look more fitly clad in the white cashmere robe. 

The custom of decorating the coffin with flowers 
is a beautiful one, but has been, in large cities, 
so overdone, and so purely a matter of money, that 
now the request is generally made that no flowers 
be sent. 

In England a lady of the court wears, for her par- 
ent, crape and bombazine (or its equivalent in any 
lustreless cloth) for three months. She goes nowhere 
during that period. After that she wears lustreless 
silks, trimmed with crape and jet, and goes to Court if 
commanded. She can also go to concerts or the opera 
without violating etiquette, or to family weddings. 
After six months she again reduces her mourning to 
black and white, and can attend the " drawing-room " 



THE RESTRAINTS OF MOURNING. 177 

or go to small dinners. For a husband the time is ex- 
actly doubled, but in neither case should the widow be 
seen at a ball or a theatre until after a year has elapsed. 

In this country no person in mourning for a parent, 
a child, a brother, or a husband, is expected to be 
seen at a concert, a dinner, a party, or at any other 
place of public amusement, before three months have 
passed. After that one may be seen at a concert. 
But to go to a dinner, or a party, before six months 
have elapsed, is considered heartless and disrespectful. 
Indeed, a deep mourning-dress at such a place is an 
unpleasant anomaly. If one choose, as many do, not 
to wear mourning, then they can go unchallenged to 
any place of amusement, for they have asserted their 
right to be independent ; but if they put on mourning 
they must respect its etiquette. By many who sor- 
row deeply, and who regard the crape and solemn 
dress as a mark of respect to the dead, it is deemed 
almost a sin for a woman to go into the street, to 
drive, or to walk, for two years, without a deep crape 
veil over her face. It is a common remark of the 
censorious that a person who lightens her mourning 
before that time "did not care much for the deceased;" 
and many people hold the fact that a widow or an or- 
phan wears her crape for two years to be greatly to 
her credit. This is superstition. 

Of course, no one can say that a woman should not 
wear mourning all her life if she choose, but it is a seri- 
ous question whether in so doing she does not injure 
the welfare and happiness of the living. Children, 
as we have said, are often strangely affected by this 
shrouding of their mothers, and men always dislike it. 



178 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES. 

Common - sense and common decency, however, 
should restrain the frivolous from engaging much in 
the amusements and gayeties of life before six months 
have passed after the death of any near friend. If 
they pretend to wear black at all, they cannot be 
too scrupulous in respecting the restraint which it 
imposes. 

People with weak eyes or lungs must not wear a 
heavy crape veil over the face. It is loaded with 
arsenic^ and is most dangerous to sight and breath. 

Fortunately this is now out of fashion; a veil of 
silk gauze has been introduced which is considered 
deep enough for widows (a veil which is light and 
healthful), whose dress need no longer be "non aes- 
thetic and unhygienic." It is always costly, if crape 
is used, the widow's dress. 

After all, every lady must use her own discretion 
as to the term of mourning and its quality. 



CHAPTER XXI. 

MOURNING AND FUNERAL USAGES. 

Nothing in our country is more undecided in the 
public mind than the etiquette of mourning. It has 
not yet received that hereditary and positive character 
which makes the slightest departure from received cus- 
tom so reprehensible in England. We have not the 
mutes, or the nodding feathers of the hearse, that still 
form part of the English funeral equipage; nor is the 
rank of the poor clay which travels to its last home 
illustrated by the pomp and ceremony of its departure. 
Still, in answer to some pertinent questions, we will 
offer a few desultory remarks, beginning with the end, 
as it were — the return of the mourner to the world. 

When persons who have been in mourning wish to 
re-enter society, they should leave cards on all their 
friends and acquaintances, as an intimation that they 
are equal to the paying and receiving of calls. Until 
this intimation is given, society will not venture to in- 
trude upon the mourner's privacy. In cases where 
cards of inquiry have been left, with the words "To 
inquire" written on the top of the card, these cards 
should be replied to by cards with " Thanks for kind 
inquiries " written upon them; but if cards for inquiry 
had not been left, this form can be omitted. 

Of course there is a kind of complimentary mourn- 



180 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES. 

ing which does not necessitate seclusion — that which 
is worn out of respect to a husband's relative whom 
one may never have seen. But no one wearing a heavy 
crape veil should go to a gay reception, a wedding, or 
a theatre; the thing is incongruous. Still less should 
mourning prevent one from taking proper recreation : 
the more the heart aches, the more should one try to 
gain cheerfulness and composure, to hear music, to see 
faces which one loves : this is a duty, not merely a wise 
and sensible rule. Yet it is well to have some estab- 
lished customs as to visiting and dress in order that 
thg gay and the heartless may in observing them avoid 
that which shocks every one — an appearance of lack 
of respect to the memory of the dead — that all society 
may move on in decency and order, which is the object 
and end of the study of etiquette. 

A heartless wife who, instead of being grieved at 
the death of her husband, is rejoiced at it, should be 
taught that society will not respect her unless she pays 
to the memory of the man whose name she bears that 
"homage which vice pays to virtue," a commendable 
respect to the usages of society in the matter of mourn- 
ing and of retirement from the world. Mourning gar- 
ments have this use, that they are a shield to the real 
mourner, and they are often a curtain of respectability 
to the person who should be a mourner but is not. We 
shall therefore borrow from the best English and 
American authorities what we believe to be the most 
recent usages in the etiquette of mourning. 

As for periods of mourning, we are told that a 
widow's mourning should last eighteen months, al- 
though m England it is somewhat lightened in twelve. 



THE WIDOWS DRESS. 181 

For the first six months the dress should be of crape 
cloth, or Henrietta cloth covered entirely with crape, 
collar and cuffs of white crape, a crape bonnet with a 
long crape veil, and a widow's cap of white crape if 
preferred. In America, however, widows' caps are not 
as universally worn as in England. Dull black kid 
gloves are worn in first mourning; after that gants de 
Su&de or silk gloves are proper, particularly in summer. 
After six months' mourning the crape can be removed, 
and grenadine, copeau fringe, and dead trimmings used, 
if the smell of crape is offensive, as it is to some people. 
After twelve months the widow's cap is left off, and 
the heavy veil is exchanged for a lighter one, and the 
dress can be of silk grenadine, plain black gros-grain, 
or crape-trimmed cashmere with jet trimmings, and 
crepe lisse about the neck and sleeves. 

All kinds of black fur and seal-skin are worn in deep 
mourning. 

Mourning for a father or mother should last one 
year. During half a year should be worn Henrietta 
cloth or serge trimmed with crape, at first with black 
tulle at the wrists and neck. A deep veil is worn at 
the back of the bonnet, but not over the head or face 
like the widow's veil, which covers the entire person 
when down. This fashion is very much objected to by 
doctors, who think many diseases of the eye come by 
this means, and advise for common use thin nun's-veil- 
ing instead of crape, which sheds its pernicious dye 
into the sensitive nostrils, producing catarrhal disease 
as well as blindness and cataract of the eye. It is a 
thousand pities that fashion dictates the crape veil, but 
so it is. It is the very banner of woe, and no one has 



182 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES. 

the courage to go without it. We can only suggest 
to mourners wearing it that they should pin a small 
veil of black tulle over the eyes and nose, and throw 
back the heavy crape as often as possible, for health's 
sake. 

, Jet ornaments alone should be worn for eighteen 
months, unless diamonds set as mementoes are used. 
For half -mourning, a bonnet of silk or chip, trimmed 
with crape and ribbon. Mourning flowers, and crepe 
lisse at the hands and wrists, lead the way to gray, 
mauve, and white-and-black toilettes after the second 
year. 

Mourning for a brother or sister may be the same; 
for a stepfather or stepmother the same; for grand- 
parents the same; but the duration may be shorter. 
In England this sort of respectful mourning only lasts 
three months. 

Mourning for children should last nine months. The 
first three the dress should be crape - trimmed, the 
mourning less deep than that for a husband. No one 
is ever ready to take off mourning; therefore these 
rules have this advantage — they enable the friends 
around a grief-stricken mother to tell her when is the 
time to make her dress more cheerful, which she is 
bound to do for the sake of the survivors, many of 
whom are perhaps affected for life by seeing a mother 
always in black. It is well for mothers to remember 
this when sorrow for a lost child makes all the earth 
seem barren to them. 

We are often asked whether letters of condolence 
should be written on black-edged paper. Decidedly 
not, unless the writer is in black. The telegraph now 



DURATION OF WIDOWS' MOURNING. 183 

flashes messages of respect and sympathy across sea 
and land like a voice from the heart. Perhaps it is 
better than any other word of sympathy, although all 
who can should write to a bereaved person. There is 
no formula possible for these letters; they must be left 
to the individual's good taste, and perhaps the simplest 
and least conventional are the best. A card with a 
few words pencilled on it has often been the best letter 
of condolence. 

In France a long and deeply edged mourning letter 
or address, called a faire part, is sent to every one 
known to the family to advise them of a death. In 
this country that is not done, although some mention 
of the deceased is generally sent to friends in Europe 
who would not otherwise hear of the death. 

Wives wear mourning for the relatives of their hus- 
bands precisely as they would for their own, as would 
husbands for the relatives of their wives. Widowers 
wear mourning for their wives two years in England ; 
here only one year. Widowers go into society at a 
much earlier date than widows, it being a received rule 
that all gentlemen in mourning for relatives go into 
society very much sooner than ladies. 

Ladies of the family attend the funeral of a relative 
if they are able to do so, and wear their deepest mourn- 
ing. Servants are usually put in mourning for the 
head of the family — sometimes for any member of it. 
They should wear a plain black livery and weeds on 
their hats ; the inside lining of the family carriage 
should also be of black. 

The period of mourning for an aunt or uncle or 
cousin is of three months' duration, and that time at 



184 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES. 

least should elapse before the family go out or into gay 
company, or are seen at theatres or operas, etc. 

We now come to the saddest part of our subject, 
the consideration of the dead body, so dear, yet so soon 
to leave us; so familiar, yet so far away — the cast-off 
dress, the beloved clay. Dust to dust, ashes to ashes! 

As for the coffin, it is simpler than formerly; and, 
while lined with satin and made with care, it is plain 
on the outside — black cloth, with silver plate for the 
name, and silver handles, being in the most modern 
taste. There are but few of the " trappings of woe." 
At the funeral of General Grant, twice a President, and 
regarded as the saviour of his country, there was a 
gorgeous catafalque of purple velvet, but at the ordi- 
nary funeral there are none of these trappings. If 
our richest citizen were to die to-morrow, he would 
probably be buried plainly. Yet it is touching to see 
with what fidelity the poorest creature tries to "bury 
her dead dacent." The destitute Irish woman begs 
for a few dollars for this sacred duty, and seldom in 
vain. It is a duty for the rich to put down ostenta- 
tion in funerals, for it is an expense which comes 
heavily on those who have poverty added to grief. 

In dressing the remains for the grave, those of a man 
are usually "clad in his habit as he lived." For a 
woman, tastes differ: a white robe and cap, not neces- 
sarily shroudlike, are decidedly unexceptionable. For 
young persons and children white cashmere robes and 
flowers are always most appropriate. 

The late cardinal, whose splendid obsequies and 
whose regal " lying in state " were in keeping with 
his high rank and the gorgeous ceremonial of his 



FLOWERS AT FUNERALS. 1 «5 

Church, was strongly opposed to the profuse use of 
flowers at funerals, and requested that none be sent to 
deck his lifeless clay. He was a modest and humble 
man, and always on the right side in these things; 
therefore let his advice prevail. A few flowers placed 
in the dead hand, perhaps a simple wreath, but not 
those unmeaning memorials which have become to real . 
mourners such sad perversities of good taste, such a 
misuse of flowers. Let those who can afford to send 
such things devote the money to the use of poor 
mothers who cannot afford to buy a coffin for a dead 
child or a coat for a living one. 

In the course of a month after a death all friends of 
the deceased are expected to leave cards on the surviv- 
ors, and it is discretionary whether these be written on 
or not. These cards should be carefully preserved, 
that, when the mourner is ready to return to the world, 
they may be properly acknowledged; or, better still, 
a card may be engraved: "Mr. Browning returns his 
thanks for kind expressions of sympathy." This can 
be sent through a secretary to all who have left 
cards. 



CHAPTER XXII. 

LETTERS OF CONDOLENCE. 

Probably no branch of the epistolary art has ever 
given to friendly hearts so much perplexity as that 
which has to do with writing to friends in affliction. 
It is delightful to sit down and wish anybody joy; to 
overflow with congratulatory phrases over a favorable 
bit of news; to say how glad you are that your friend 
is engaged or married, or has inherited a fortune, has 
written a successful book, or has painted an immortal 
picture. Joy opens the closet of language, and the 
gems of expression are easily found; but the fountain 
of feeling being chilled by the uncongenial atmosphere 
of grief, by the sudden horror of death, or the more 
terrible breath of dishonor or shame, or even by the 
cold blast of undeserved misfortune, leaves the in- 
dividual sympathizer in a mood of perplexity and of 
sadness which is of itself a most discouraging frame 
of mind for the inditing of a letter. 

And yet we sympathize with our friend : we desire 
to tell him so. We want to say, "My friend, your 
grief is my grief ; nothing can hurt you that does not 
hurt me. I cannot, of course, enter into all your feel- 
ings, but to stand by and see you hurt, and remain 
unmoved myself, is impossible." All this we wish to 
say ; but how shall we say it that our words may not 



WRITTEN EXPRESSIONS OE SYMPATHY. 187 

hurt him a great deal more than he is hurt already? 
How shall we lay our hand so tenderly on that sore 
spot that we may not inflict a fresh wound? How 
can we say to a mother who bends over a fresh grave, 
that we regret the loss she has sustained in the death 
of her child ? Can language measure the depth, the 
height, the immensity, the bitterness of that grief ? 
W'hat shall we say that is not trite and commonplace 
'—even unfeeling? Shall we be pagan, and say that 
" whom the gods love die young," or Christian, and 
remark that " God does not willingly afflict the chil- 
dren of men?" She has thought of that, she has 
heard it, alas ! often before — but too often, as she 
thinks now. 

Shall we tell her what she has lost — how good, how 
loving, how brave, how admirable was the spirit 
which has just left the flesh ? Alas ! how well she 
knows that ! How her tears well up as she remembers 
the silent fortitude, the heroic patience under the 
pain that was to kill ! Shall we quote ancient phi- 
losophers and modern poets ? They have all dwelt 
at greater or less length upon death and the grave. 
Or shall we say, in simple and unpremeditated words, 
the thoughts which fill our own minds ? 

The person who has to write this letter may be a 
ready writer, who finds fit expression at the point 
of his pen, and who overflows with the language of 
consolation — such a one needs no advice ; but to 
the hundreds who do need help we would say that 
the simplest expressions are the best. A distant 
friend, upon one of these occasions, wrote a letter 
as brief as brief might be, but of its kind altogether 



188 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES. 

perfect. It ran thus : " I have heard of your great 
grief, and I send you a simple pressure of the hand." 
Coming from a gay and volatile person, it had for 
the mourner great consolation ; pious quotations, 
and even the commonplaces of condolence, would 
have seemed forced. Undoubtedly those persons 
do us great good, or they wish to, who tell us to 
be resigned — that we have deserved this affliction; 
that we suffer now, but that our present sufferings 
are nothing to what our future sufferings shall be ; 
that we are only entering the portals of agony, and 
that every day will reveal to us the magnitude of 
our loss. Such is the formula which certain persons 
use, under the title of "letters of condolence." It 
is the wine mixed with gall which they gave our 
Lord to drink; and as He refused it, so may we. 
There are, no doubt, persons of a gloomy and a re- 
ligious temperament combined who delight in such 
phrases ; who quote the least consolatory of the 
texts of Scripture ; who roll our grief as a sweet 
morsel under their tongues ; who really envy the po- 
sition of chief mourner as one of great dignity and 
considerable consequence; who consider crape and 
bombazine as a sort of royal mantle conferring dis- 
tinction. There are many such people in the world. 
Dickens and Anthony Trollope have put them into 
novels — solemn and ridiculous Malvolios; they exist 
in nature, in literature, and in art. It adds a new 
terror to death when we reflect that such persons will 
not fail to make it the occasion of letter-writing. 

But those who write to us strongly and cheerfully, 
who do not dwell so much on our grief as on our 
14 



INFELICITOUS SYMPATHIZERS. 189 

remaining duties — they are the people who help us. 
To advise a mourner to go out into the sun, to resume 
his work, to help the poor, and, above all, to carry on 
the efforts, to emulate the virtues of the deceased — 
this is comfort. It is a very dear and consoling thing 
to a bereaved friend to hear the excellence of the de- 
parted extolled, to read and re-read all of the precious 
testimony which is borne by outsiders to the saintly 
life ended — and there are few so hard-hearted as not to 
find something good to say of the dead : it is the im- 
pulse of human nature ; it underlies all our philosophy 
and our religion ; it is the " stretching out of a hand," 
and it comforts the afflicted. But what shall we say 
to those on whom disgrace has laid its heavy, defiling 
hand? Is it well to write to them at all? Shall 
we not be mistaken for those who prowl like jackals 
round a grave, and will not our motives be misun- 
derstood ? Is not sympathy sometimes malice in dis- 
guise ? Does not the phrase " I am so sorry for you !" 
sometimes sound like "I am so glad for myself?" 
Undoubtedly it does ; but a sincere friend should not 
be restrained, through fear that his motive may be 
mistaken, from saying that he wishes to bear some 
part of the burden. Let him show that the unhappy 
man is in his thoughts, that be would like to help, 
that he would be glad to see him, or take him out, 
or send him a book, or at least write him a letter. 
Such a wish as this will hurt no one. 

Philosophy — some quaint and dry bit of old Seneca, 
or modern Rochefoucauld — has often helped a strug- 
gling heart when disgrace, deserved or undeserved, 
has placed the soul in gyves of iron. 



190 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES. 

Sympathetic persons, of narrow minds and imper- 
fect education, often have the gift of being able to say 
most consolatory things. Irish servants, for instance, 
rarely hurt the feelings of a mourner. They burst out 
in the language of Nature, and, if it is sometimes gro- 
tesque, it is almost always comforting. It is the edu- 
cated and conscientious person who finds the writing 
of a letter of condolence diflicult. 

Perhaps much of our dread of death is the result of 
a false education, and the wearing of black may after 
all be a mistake. At the moment when we need bright 
colors, fresh flowers, sunshine, and beauty, we hide 
ourselves behind crape veils and make our garments 
heavy with ashes ; but as it is conventional it is in 
one way a protection, and is therefore proper. No 
one feels like varying the expressions of a grief 
which has the Anglo-Saxon seriousness in it, the 
Scandinavian melancholy of a people from whom 
Nature hides herself behind a curtain of night. To 
the sunny and graceful Greek the road of the dead 
was the Via Felice ; it was the happy way, the gate 
of flowers ; the tombs were furnished as the houses 
were, with images of the beloved, and the veriest tri- 
fles which the deceased had loved. One wonders, as 
the tomb of a child is opened on the road out of 
Tanagra, near Athens, and the toys and hobby-horse 
and little shoes are found therein, if, after all, that 
father and mother were not wiser than we who, like 
Constance, " stuff out his vacant garments with his 
form." Is there not something quite unenlightened 
in the persistence with which we connect death with 
gloom ? 



FORM OF LETTERS OF CONDOLENCE. 191 

Our correspondents often ask us when a letter of 
condolence should be written? As soon as possible. 
Do not be afraid to intrude on any grief. It is gen- 
erally a welcome distraction, to even the most mor- 
bid mourner, to read a letter ; and those who are so 
stunned by grief as not to be able to write or to read 
will always have some willing soul near them who 
will read and answer for them. 

The afflicted, however, should never be expected 
to answer letters. They can and should receive the 
kindest and the most prompt that their friends can 
indite. Often a phrase on which the writer has built 
no hope may be the airy bridge over which the sorrow- 
ing soul returns slowly and blindly to peace and resig- 
nation. Who would miss the chance, be it one in ten 
thousand, of building such a bridge ? Those who have 
suffered and been strong, those whom we love and re- 
spect, those who have the honest faith in human nature 
which enables them to read aright the riddle of this 
strange world, those who by faith walk over burning 
ploughshares and dread no evil, those are the people 
who write the best letters of condolence. They do not 
dwell on our grief, or exaggerate it, although they are 
evidently writing to us with a lump in the throat and 
a tear in the eye — they do not say so, but we feel it. 
They tell us of the certain influence of time, which 
will change our present grief into our future joy. 
They say a few beautiful words of the friend whom 
we have lost, recount their own loss in him in a few 
fitting words of earnest sympathy which may carry 
consolation, if only by the wish of the writer. They 
beg of us to be patient. God has brought life and ini- 



192 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES. 

mortality to light through death, and to those whom 
"he has thought worthy to endure," this thought may 
ever form the basis of a letter of condolence. 

"Give me," said the dying Herder, "a great 
thought, that I may console myself with that." It is 
a present of no mean value, a great thought; and if 
every letter of condolence could bear with it one 
broad phrase of honest sympathy it would be a blessed 
instrumentality for carrying patience and resignation, 
peace and comfort, into those dark places where the 
sufferer is eating his heart out with grief, or where 
Rachel " weeps for her children, and will not be com- 
forted, because they are not," 



CHAPTER XXIII. 

CHAPERONS AND THEIR DUTIES. 

It is strange that the Americans, so prone to imitate 
British customs, have been slow to adopt that law of 
English society which pronounces a chaperon an indis- 
pensable adjunct of every unmarried young woman. 

The readers of " Little Dorrit " will recall the ex- 
ceedingly witty sketch of Mrs. General, who taught 
her young ladies to form their mouths into a lady-like 
pattern by saying " papa, potatoes, prunes, and prism." 
Dickens knew very little of society, and cared very 
little for its laws, and his ladies and gentlemen were 
pronounced in England to be as great failures as his 
Little Nells and Dick Swivellers were successes; but 
he recognized the universality of chaperons. His 
portrait of Mrs. General (the first luxury which Mr. 
Dorrit allowed himself after inheriting his fortune) 
shows how universal is the necessity of a chaperon in 
English society, and on the Continent, to the proper 
introduction of young ladies, and how entirely their 
" style " depends upon their chaperon. Of course Dick- 
ens made her funny, of course he made her ridiculous, 
but he put her there. An American novelist would 
not have thought it worth mentioning, nor would an 
American papa with two motherless daughters have 
thought it necessary, if he travelled with them, to 
have a chaperon for his daughters. 



194 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES. 

Of course, a mother is the natural chaperon of her 
daughters, and if she understand her duties and the 
usages of society there is nothing further to be said. 
But the trouble is that many American mothers are 
exceedingly careless on this point. We need not 
point to the wonderful Mrs. Miller — Daisy's mother — 
in Henry James, Jr.'s, photograph of a large class of 
American matrons — a woman who loved her daugh- 
ter, knew how to take care of her when she was ill, 
but did not know in the least how to take care of her 
when she was well; who allowed her to go about with 
young men alone, to " get engaged," if so she pleased, 
and who, arriving at a party after her daughter had 
appeared, rather apologized for coming at all. All 
this is notoriously true, and comes of our crude civ- 
ilization. It is the transition state. Until we learn 
better, we must expect to be laughed at on the Pin- 
cian Hill, and we must expect English novelists to 
paint pictures of us which we resent, and French 
dramatists to write plays in which we see ourselves 
held up as savages. 

Europeans have been in the habit of taking care of 
young girls, as if they were the precious porcelain 
of human clay. The American mamma treats her 
beautiful daughter as if she were a very common 
piece of delft indeed, and as if she could drift down 
the stream of life, knocking all other vessels to pieces, 
but escaping injury to herself. 

Owing to the very remarkable and strong sense of 
propriety which American women innately possess — 
their truly healthy love of virtue, the absence of any 
morbid suspicion of wrong — this rule has worked bet- 



THE AMERICAN GIRL. 195 

ter than any one would have dared hope. Owing, 
also, to the exceptionally respectful and chivalrous 
nature of American men, it has been possible for a 
young lady to travel unattended from Maine to Geor- 
gia, or anywhere within the new geographical limits 
of our social growth. Mr. Howells founded a romance 
upon this principle, that American women do not need 
a chaperon. Yet we must remember that all the 
black sheep are not killed yet, and we must also re- 
member that propriety must be more attended to as 
we cease to be a young and primitive nation, and as 
we enter the lists of the rich, cultivated, luxurious 
people of the earth. 

Little as we may care for the opinion of foreigners 
we do not wish our young ladies to appear in their 
eyes in a false attitude, and one of the first necessities 
of a proper attitude, one of the first demands of a 
polished society, is the presence of a chaperon. She 
should be a lady old enough to be the mother of her 
charge, and of unexceptionable manner. She must 
know society thoroughly herself, and respect its laws. 
She should be above the suspicion of reproach in 
character, and devoted to her work. In England there 
are hundreds of widows of half -pay officers — well-born, 
well-trained, well-educated women — who can be hired 
for money, as was Mrs. General, to play this part. 
There is no such class in America, but there is al- 
most always a lady who will gladly perform the task of 
chaperoning motherless girls without remuneration. 

It is not considered proper in England for a wid- 
owed father to place an unmarried daughter at the 
head of his house without the companionship of a 



196 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES. 

resident chaperon, and there are grave objections to its 
being done here. We have all known instances where 
such liberty has been very bad for young girls, and 
where it has led to great scandals which the presence 
of a chaperon would have averted. 

The duties of a chaperon are very hard and unre- 
mitting, and sometimes very disagreeable. She must 
accompany her young lady everywhere ; she must sit 
in the parlor when she receives gentlemen ; she must 
go with her to the skating-rink, the ball, the party, the 
races, the dinners, and especially to theatre parties ; she 
must preside at the table, and act the part of a mother, 
so far as she can ; she must watch the characters of 
the men who approach her charge, and endeavor to 
save the inexperienced girl from the dangers of a bad 
marriage, if possible. To perform this feat, and not to 
degenerate into a Spanish duenna, a dragon, or a Mrs. 
General — who was simply a fool — is a very difficult 
task. 

No doubt a vivacious American girl, with all her in- 
heritedhatred of authority, is a troublesome charge. All 
young people are rebels. They dislike being watched 
and guarded. They have no idea what Hesperidean 
fruit they are, and they object to the dragon decidedly. 

But a wise, well-tempered woman can manage the 
situation. If she have tact, a chaperon will add very 
much to the happiness of her young charge. She will 
see that the proper men are introduced ; that her young 
lady is provided with a partner for the german ; that 
she is asked to nice places; that she goes well dressed 
and properly accompanied ; that she gives the return 
ball herself in handsome style. 



THE NEED OP A CHAPERON. 197 

"I owe," said a wealthy widower in New York, 
whose daughters all made remarkably happy mar- 
riages — "I owe all their happiness to Mrs. Constant, 
whom I was so fortunate as to secure as their chaperon. 
She knew society (which I did not), as if it were in 
her pocket. She knew exactly what girls ought to 
do, and she was so agreeable herself that they never 
disliked having her with them. She was very rigid, 
too, and would not let them stay late at balls; but 
they loved and respected her so much that they never 
rebelled, and now they love her as if she were really 
their mother." 

A woman of elegant manners and of charming char- 
acter, who will submit to the slavery — for it is little 
less — of being a chaperon, is hard to find ; yet every 
motherless family should try to secure such a person. 
In travelling in Europe, an accomplished chaperon 
can do more for young girls than any amount of fort- 
une. She has the thing they want — that is, knowledge. 
With her they can go everywhere — to picture-galler- 
ies, theatres, public and private balls, and into society, 
if they wish it. It is "etiquette" to have a chaperon, 
and it is the greatest violation of it not to have one. 

If a woman is protected by the armor of work, she 
can dispense with a chaperon. The young artist goes 
about her copying unquestioned, but in society, with 
its different laws, she must be under the care of an 
older woman than herself. 

A chaperon is indispensable to an engaged girl. 
The mother, or some lady friend, should always ac- 
company a y oung fiancee on her journeys to the vari- 
ous places of amusement and to the watering-places. 



198 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES. 

Nothing is more vulgar in the eyes of our modern 
society than for an engaged couple to travel together 
or to go to the theatre unaccompanied, as was the 
primitive custom. This will, we know, shock many 
Americans, and be called a "foolish following of for- 
eign fashions." But it is true ; and, if it were only 
for the "looks of the thing," it is more decent, more 
elegant, and more correct for the young couple to 
be accompanied by a chaperon until married. Soci- 
ety allows an engaged girl to drive with her fiance 
in an open carriage, but it does not approve of his 
taking her in a close carriage to an evening party. 

There are non-resident chaperons who are most pop- 
ular and most useful. Thus, one mamma or elderly 
lady may chaperon a number of young ladies to a din- 
ner, or a drive on a coach, a sail down the bay, or a 
ball at West Point. This lady looks after all her 
young charges, and attends to their propriety and 
their happiness. She is the guardian angel, for the 
moment, of their conduct. It is a care which young 
men always admire and respect — this of a kind, well- 
bred chaperon, who does not allow the youthful spirits 
of her charges to run away with them. 

The chaperon, if an intelligent woman, and with the 
sort of social talent which a chaperon ought to have, 
is the best friend of a family of shy girls. She brings 
them forward, and places them in a position in which 
they can enjoy society; for there is a great deal of 
tact required in a large city to make a retiring girl 
enjoy herself. Society demands a certain amount of 
handling, which only the social expert understands. 
To this the chaperon should be equal. There are some 



THE INJUDICIOUS CHAPERON. 199 

women who have a social talent which is simply Na- 
poleonic. They manage it as a great general does his 
corps de bataille. 

Again, there are bad chaperons. A flirtatious mar- 
ried woman who is thinking of herself only, and who 
takes young girls about merely to enable herself to 
lead a gay life (and the world is full of such women), is 
worse than no chaperon at all. She is not a protection 
to the young lady, and she disgusts the honorable 
men who would like to approach her charge. A very 
young chaperon, bent on pleasure, who undertakes to 
make respectable the coaching party, but who has 
no dignity of character to impress upon it, is a very 
poor one. Many of the most flagrant violations of 
propriety, in what is called the fashionable set, have 
arisen from this choice of young chaperons, which is 
a mere begging of the question, and no chaperonage 
at all. 

Too much champagne is drunk, too late hours are 
kept, silly stories are circulated, and appearances are 
disregarded by these gay girls and their young chap- 
erons ; and yet they dislike very much to see them- 
selves afterwards held up to ridicule in the pages 
of a magazine by an Englishman, whose every sen- 
timent of propriety, both educated and innate, has 
been shocked by their conduct. 

A young Frenchman who visited America a few 
years ago formed the worst judgment of American 
woinen because he met one alone at an artist's studio. 
He misinterpreted the profoundly sacred and correc- 
tive influences of art. It had not occurred to the 
lady that if she went to see a picture she would be 



200 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES. 

suspected of wishing to see the artist. Still, the 
fact that such a mistake could be made should render 
ladies careful of even the appearance of evil. 

A chaperon should in her turn remember that she 
must not open a letter. She must not exercise an un- 
wise surveillance. She must not suspect her charge. 
All that sort of Spanish espionage is always outwit- 
ted. The most successful chaperons are those who 
love their young charges, respect them, try to be in 
every way what the mother would have been. Of 
course, all relations of this sort are open to many 
drawbacks on both sides, but it is not impossible that 
it may be an agreeable relation, if both parties exer- 
cise a little tact. 

In selecting a chaperon for a young charge, let par- 
ents or guardians be very particular as to the pasic 
history of the lady. If she has ever been talked about, 
ever suffered the bad reputation of flirt or coquette, 
do not think of placing her in that position. Clubs 
have long memories, and the fate of more than one 
young heiress has been imperilled by an injudicious 
choice of a chaperon. If any woman should have a 
spotless record and admirable character it should be 
the chaperon. It will tell against her charge if she 
have not. Certain needy women who have been la- 
dies, and who precariously attach to society through 
their families, are always seeking for some young 
heiress. These women are very poor chaperons, and 
should be avoided. 

This business of chaperonage is a point which de- 
mands attention on the part of careless American 
mothers. No mother should be oblivious of her duty 



THE CHAPERONS ABROAD. 201 

in this respect. It does not imply that she doubts 
her daughter's honor or truth, or that she thinks she 
needs watching, but it is proper and respectable and 
necessary that she should appear by her daughter's 
side in society. The world is full of traps. It is im- 
possible to be too careful of the reputation of a young 
lady, and it improves the tone of society vastly if an 
elegant and respectable woman of middle age accom- 
panies every young party. It goes far to silence the 
ceaseless clatter of gossip ; it is the antidote to scan- 
dal ; it makes the air clearer ; and, above all, it im- 
proves the character, the manners, and elevates the 
minds of the young people who are so happy as to 
enjoy the society and to feel the authority of a culti- 
vated, wise, and good chaperon. No young lady, or 
ci-devant young lady, should travel in Europe and ex- 
pect to be received in society without a chaperon. 
Not even at the house of her own ambassador will 
she be well received if she is alone. We all may 
know her at home, and may respect her character and 
her independence, but she will be fatally misjudged 
in Italy and France, and not too well received in Eng- 
land, if she goes about alone. 

What people do at home, where their characters are 
known, is another thing, but if they outrage etiquette 
in a foreign land, woe be unto them. 



CHAPTER XXIV. 

ETIQUETTE FOR ELDERLY GIRLS. 

A brisk correspondent writes to us that she finds 
our restrictions as to the etiquette which single wom- 
en should follow somewhat embarrassing. Being now 
thirty -five, and at the head of her father's house, with 
no intention of ever marrying, she asks if she re- 
quires a chaperon ; if it is necessary that she should 
observe the severe self-denial of not entering an ar- 
tist's studio without a guardian angel ; if she must 
never allow a gentleman to pay for her theatre tick- 
ets ; if she must, in short, assume a matron's place in 
the world, and never enjoy a matron's freedom. 

From her letter we can but believe that this young 
lady of thirty-five is a very attractive person, and 
that she does " not look her age." Still, as she is at 
the head of her father's house, etiquette does yield a 
point and allows her to judge for herself as to the 
proprieties which must bend to her. Of course with 
every year of a woman's life after twenty -five she 
becomes less and less the subject of chaperonage. 
For one thing, she is better able to judge of the 
world and its temptations; in the second place, a 
certain air which may not be less winning, but which 
is certainly more mature, has replaced the wild grace 
of a giddy girlhood. She has, with the assumption of 



THE AMERICAN GIRL IN EUROPE. 203 

years, taken on a dignity which, in its way, is fully 
the compensation for some lost bloom. Many people 
prefer it. 

But we must say here that she is not yet, in Euro- 
pean opinion, emancipated from that guardianship 
which society dispenses with for the youngest widow. 
She must have a "companion" if she is a rich woman; 
and if she is a poor one she must join some party of 
friends when she travels. She can travel abroad with 
her maid, but in Paris and other Continental cities a 
woman still young-looking had better not do this. 
She is not safe from insult nor from injurious suspi- 
cion if she signs herself " Miss " Smith, and is with- 
out her mother, an elderly friend, a companion, or 
party. 

In America a woman can go anywhere and do al- 
most anything without fear of insult. But in Europe, 
where the custom of chaperonage is so universal, she 
must be more circumspect. 

As to visiting an artist's studio alone, there is in 
art itself an ennobling and purifying influence which 
should be a protection. But we must not forget that 
saucy book by Maurice Sand, in which its author says 
that the first thing he observed in America was that 
women (even respectable ones) went alone to artists' 
studios. It would seem wiser, therefore, that a lady, 
though thirty-five, should be attended in her visits to 
studios by a friend or companion. This simple ex- 
pedient " silences envious tongues," and avoids even 
the remotest appearance of evil. 

In the matter of paying for tickets, if a lady of 
thirty -five wishes to allow a gentleman to pay for her 



204 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES. 

admission to picture-galleries and theatres she has an 
indisputable right to do so. But we are not fighting 
for a right, only defining a law of etiquette, when we 
say that it is not generally allowed in the best so- 
ciety, abroad or here. In the case of young girls it is 
quite unallowable, but in the case of a lady of thirty- 
five it may be permitted as a sort of camaraderie, as 
one college friend may pay for another. The point 
is, however, a delicate one. Men, in the freedom of 
their clubs, recount to each other the clever expedi- 
ents which many women of society use to extort from 
them boxes for the opera and suppers at Delmonico's t 
A woman should remember that it may sometimes be 
very inconvenient to young men who are invited by 
her to go to concerts and theatres to pay for these 
pleasures. Many a poor fellow who has become a de- 
faulter has to thank for it the lady who first asked 
him to take her to Delmonico's to supper. He was 
ashamed to tell her that he was poor, and he stole that 
he might not seem a churl. 

Another phase of the subject is that a lady in per- 
mitting a gentleman to expend money for her pleas- 
ures assumes an obligation to him which time and 
chance may render oppressive. 

With an old friend, however, one whose claim 
to friendship is well established, the conditions are 
ohanged. In his case there can be no question of 
obligation, and a woman may accept unhesitatingly 
any of those small attentions and kindnesses which 
friendly feeling may prompt him to offer to her. 

Travelling alone with a gentleman escort was at 
one time allowed in the West. A Kentucky woman 
15 






APPEARANCES THAT MAY BE MISUNDERSTOOD. 205 

of that historic period, " before the war," would not 
have questioned the propriety of it, and a Western 
man of to-day still has the desire to pay everything, 
everywhere, "for a lady." 

The increase in the population of the Western States 
and the growth of a wealthy and fashionable society 
in the large towns have greatly modified this spirit 
of unwise chivalry, and such customs are passing away 
even on the frontier. Mr. Howells's novel, " The Lady 
of the Aroostook," has acquainted American readers 
with the unkind criticism to which a young lady who 
travels in Europe without a chaperon is subjected, and 
we believe that there are few mammas who would 
desire to see their daughters in the position of Miss 
Lydia Blood. 

"An old maid," as our correspondent playfully 
calls herself, may do almost anything without viola- 
ting etiquette, if she consents to become a chaperon, 
and takes with her a younger person. Thus an aunt 
and niece can travel far and wide ; the position of an 
elder sister is always dignified; the youthful head of 
a house has a right to assert herself — she must do it 
— therefore etiquette bows to her (as "nice customs 
courtesy to great kings ") . There is very much in the 
appearance of a woman. It is a part of the injustice 
of nature that some people look coquettish who are not 
so. Bad taste in dress, a high color, a natural flow of 
spirits, or a loud laugh have often caused a very good 
woman to be misinterpreted. Such a woman should 
be able to sit in judgment upon herself; and remem- 
bering that in a great city, at a crowded theatre, or 
at a watering-place, judgments must be hasty and su- 



206 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES. 

perficial, she should tone down her natural exuber- 
ance, and take with her a female companion who is 
of a different type from herself. Calm and cold 
Puritanical people may not be more respectable than 
the fresh-colored and laughing " old maids " of thir- 
ty-five, but they look more so, and in this world 
women must consult appearances. An elderly girl 
must even think how she looks. A woman who at a 
watering-place dresses conspicuously, wears & peignoir 
at breakfast, dyes her hair, or looks as if she did, ties 
a white blond veil over her locks, and sits on a hotel 
piazza, showing her feet, may be the best, the most 
prudent woman in the house, but a superficial ob- 
server will not think so. In the mind of every pass- 
er-by will lurk the feeling that she lacks the first 
grace of womanhood, modesty — and in the criticism 
of a crowd there is strength. A man passing such 
a person, and contrasting her with modestly dressed 
and unobtrusive ladies, would naturally form an un- 
favorable opinion of her ; and were she alone, and 
her name entered on the books of the house as "Miss" 
Smith, he would not be too severe if he thought her 
decidedly eccentric, and certainly "bad style." If, 
however, "Miss" Smith were very plain and quiet, 
and dressed simply and in good taste, or if she sat on 
the sands looking at the sea, or attended an invalid 
or a younger friend, then Miss Smith might be as in- 
dependent as she pleased: she would suffer from no 
injurious comments. Even the foreigner, who does 
not believe in the eccentricities of the English mees y 
would have no word to say against her. A good-look- 
ing elderly girl might say, "There is, then, a premium 



FREEDOM IN ADVANCING YEARS. 207 

on ugliness ;" but that we do not mean. Handsome 
women can conduct themselves so well that the breath 
of reproach need not and does not touch them, and 
ugly women may and do sometimes gain an unde- 
served reproach. 

There are some people who are born with what 
we call, for want of a better name, a pinchbeck air. 
Their jewellery never looks like real gold; their man- 
ner is always bad ; they have the faux air of fashion, 
not the real one. Such people, especially if single, 
receive many a snub which they do not deserve, and 
to a woman of this style a companion is almost nec- 
essary. Fortunately there are almost always two 
women who can join forces in travelling or in liv- 
ing together, and the independence of such a couple is 
delightful. We have repeated testimony in English 
literature of the pleasant lives of the Ladies of Llan- 
gollen, of the lives of Miss Jewsbury and Lady Mor- 
gan, and of the model sisters Berry. In our own 
country we have almost abolished the idea that a com- 
panion is necessary for women of talent who are phy- 
sicians or artists or musicians ; but to those who are 
still in the trammels of private life we can say that 
the presence of a companion need not destroy their 
liberty, and it may add very much to their respecta- 
bility and happinesSc There is, no doubt, a great 
pleasure in the added freedom of life which comes 
to an elderly girl. " I can wear a velvet dress now," 
said an exceedingly handsome woman on her thir- 
tieth birthday. In England an unmarried woman of 
fifty is called "Mrs." if she prefers that title. So 
many delightful women are late in loving, so many 



208 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES. 

are true to some buried love, so many are "elderly- 
girls " from choice, and from no neglect of the strong- 
er sex, that to them should be accorded all the respect 
which is supposed to accrue naturally to the married. 
" It takes a very superior woman to be an old maid," 
said Miss Sedgwick. 

One need not to be like the two " Ladies of Llangol- 
len," and dress as men, to be allowed to go off and tea 
together, pleasantly like sisters, in the United States. 
Many of our "girl bachelors" live together, and are 
very happy, useful women. 

If they add in the smoothing influence of work an 
elderly young lady, or even a young one, may become 
a bachelor-maid with no danger of scandalous tongues, 
particularly if she looks like one, instead of like a 
coquette. It is a delicate subject, and requires good 
sense to cope with. 



CHAPTER XXV. 

MATINEES AND SOIREES. 

A matinee in America means an afternoon per- 
formance at the theatre of a play or opera. In 
Europe it has a wider significance, any social gather- 
ing before dinner in France being called a matinee, 
as any party after dinner is called a soiree. 

The improper application of another foreign word 
was strikingly manifested in the old fashion of calling 
the President's evening receptions levees. The term 
" levee," as originally used, meant literally a king's 
getting up. When ho arose, and while he was dress- 
ing, such of his courtiers as were privileged to ap- 
proach him at this hour gathered in an anteroom — 
waiting to assist at his toilet, to wish him good- 
morning, or perhaps prefer a request. In time this 
morning gathering grew to be an important court 
ceremonial, and some one ignorant of the meaning of 
the word named President Jackson's evening recep- 
tions "the President's levees." So with the word 
matinee. First used to indicate a day reception at 
court, it has now grown to mean a day performance 
at a theatre. Sometimes a lady, bolder than her 
neighbors, issues an invitation for a a matinee dan- 
sante" or " a matinee musicale" but this descriptive 
style is not common. 



210 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES. 

There are many advantages in a morning party. It 
affords to ladies who do not go to evening receptions 
the pleasure of meeting informally, and is also a 
well-chosen occasion for introducing a new pianist 
or singer. 

For a busy woman of fashion nothing can be more 
conveniently timed than a matinee, which begins at 
two and ends at four or half past. It does not inter- 
fere with a five-o'clock tea or a drive in the park, nor 
unfit her for a dinner or an evening entertainment. 
Two o'clock is also a very good hour for a large 
and informal general lunch, if a lady wishes to avoid 
the expense, formality, and trouble of a " sit-down " 
lunch. 

While the busy ladies can go to a matinee, the 
busy gentleman cannot; and as men of leisure in 
America are few, a morning entertainment at a thea- 
tre or in society is almost always an assemblage of 
women. To avoid this inequality of sex, many ladies 
have their matinees on some one of the national holi- 
days — Washington's Birthday, Thanksgiving, or Dec- 
oration-day. On these occasions a matinee, even in 
busy New York, is well attended by gentlemen. 

When, as sometimes happens, a prince, a duke, an 
archbishop, an author of celebrity, a Tom Hughes, a 
Lord Houghton, a Dean Stanley, or some descendant 
of our French allies at Yorktown, comes on a visit 
to our country, one of the most satisfactory forms of 
entertainment that we can offer to him is a morning 
reception. At an informal matinee we may bring to 
meet him such authors, artists, clergymen, lawyers, 
editors, statesmen, rich and public -spirited citizens 5 



THE PRIMARY BUSINESS OP SOCIETY. 211 

and beautiful and cultivated women of society, as we 
may be fortunate enough to know. 

The primary business of society is to bring together 
the various elements of which it is made up — its 
strongest motive should be to lighten up the momen- 
tous business of life by an easy and friendly inter- 
course and interchange of ideas. 

But if we hope to bring about us men of mind and 
distinction, our object must be not only to be amused 
but to amuse. 

To persuade those elderly men who are maintaining 
the great American name at its present high place in 
the Pantheon of nations to spend a couple of hours 
at a matinee, we must offer some tempting bait as an 
equivalent. A lady who entertained Dean Stanley 
said that she particularly enjoyed her own matinee 
given for him, because through his name she for the 
first time induced the distinguished clergy of New 
York to come to her house. 

Such men are not tempted by the frivolities of a 
fashionable social life that lives by its vanity, its 
excitement, its rivalry and flirtation. Not that all 
fashionable society is open to such reproach, but its 
tendency is to lightness and emptiness ; and we rare- 
ly find really valuable men who seek it. Therefore 
a lady who would make her house attractive to the 
best society must offer it something higher than 
that to which we may give the generic title fashion. 
Dress, music, dancing, supper, are delightful acces- 
saries — they are ornaments and stimulants, not req- 
uisites. For a good society we need men and wom- 
en who are " good company," as they say in England 
lfi 



212 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES. 

— men and women who can talk. Nor is the advan- 
tage all on one side. The free play of brain, taste, 
and feeling is a most important refreshment to a 
man who works hard, whether in the pulpit or in 
Wall Street, in the editorial chair or at the dull 
grind of authorship. The painter should wash his 
brushes and strive for some intercourse of abiding 
value with those whose lives differ from his own. 
The woman who works should also look upon the 
divertissements of society as needed recreation, fruit- 
ful, may be, of the best culture. 

On the other hand, no society is perfect without the 
elements of beauty, grace, taste, refinement, and lux- 
ury. We must bring all these varied potentialities 
together if we would have a real and living social 
life. For that brilliant thing that we call society is 
a finely-woven fabric of threads of different sizes and 
colors of contrasting shades. It is not intrigue, or 
the display of wealth, or morbid excitement that 
must bind together this social fabric, but sympathy, 
that pleasant thing which refines and refreshes, and 
"knits up the ravelled sleeve of care," and leaves 
us strong for the battle of life. 

And in no modern form of entertainment can we 
better produce this finer atmosphere, this desirable 
sympathy between the world of fashion and that of 
thought, than by matinees, when given under fa- 
vorable circumstances. To be sure, if we gave one 
every day it would be necessary, as we have said, to 
dispense with a large number of gentlemen; but the 
occasional matinee is apt to catch some very good 
specimens of the genus homo, and sometimes the best 



A SUBTLE QUESTION. 213 

specimens. It is proper to offer a very substantial 
buffet, as people rarely lunch before two o'clock, and 
will be glad of a bit of bird, a cup of bouillon, or a 
leaf of salad. It is much better to offer such an en- 
tertainment earlier than the five-o'clock tea, at which 
hour people are saving their appetites for dinner. 

A soiree is a far more difficult affair, and calls for 
more subtle treatment. It should be, not a ball, but 
what was formerly called an "evening party." It 
need not exclude dancing, but dancing is not its ex- 
cuse for being. It means a very bright conversazione, 
or a reading, or a musicale, with pretty evening dress 
(not necessarily ball dress), a supper, and early hours. 
Such, at least, was its early significance abroad. 

It has this advantage in New York, that it does 
attract gentlemen. They like very much the easy-go- 
ing, early-houred club evening party. We mean, of 
course, those gentlemen who no longer care for balls, and 
if aristocracy is to be desired, "the rule of the best," at 
American entertainments, all aspirants for social dis- 
tinction should try to propitiate those men who are 
being driven from the ballroom by the insolence and 
pretension of the lower elements of fashionable society. 
In Europe, the very qualities which make a man great 
in the senate, the field, or the chamber of commerce, 
give him a corresponding eminence in the social world. 
Many a gray-mustached veteran in Paris leads the ger- 
man. A senator of France aspires to appear well in 
the boudoir. With these men social dexterity is a 
requisite to success, and is cultivated as a duty. But 
not so in this country. Our busy men have yet to find 
the ideal hostess who will call together the social ele- 



214 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES. 

raent which they like. We have plenty of hostess- 
es who can give great balls, dazzle the eye, and de- 
light the senses, drown us in a sensuous luxury ; but 
how few there are who, in a back street and in a 
humble house, light that lamp by which the Misses 
Berry summoned to their little parlor the cleverest 
and best people ! 

The elegant, the unpretentious, the quiet soiree to 
which the woman of fashion shall welcome the littera- 
teur and the artist, the aristocrat who is at the top 
of the social tree and the millionaire who reached his 
culmination yesterday, would seem to be that Ultima 
Thule for which all people have been sighing ever 
since society was first thought of. There are some 
Americans who are so foolish as to affect the pride 
of the hereditary aristocracies, and who have some 
fancied traditional standard by which they think to 
keep their blue blood pure. A good old grandfather 
who had talent, or patriotism, or broad views of states- 
manship, " who did the state some service," is a rela- 
tion to be proud of, but his descendants should take 
care to show, by some more personal excellence than 
that of a social exclusiveness, their appreciation of his 
honesty and ability. What our grandfathers were, a 
thousand new-comers now are. They made their way 
— the early American men — untrammelled by class 
restraints ; they arrived at wealth and distinction and 
social eminence by their own merits ; they toiled for 
the money which buys for their grandsons purple and 
fine linen. And could they see the pure and perfect 
snob who now sometimes bears the name which they 
left so unsullied, they would be exasperated and 



NECESSARY EXCLUSIVENESS OF SOCIETY. 215 

ashamed. Of course, a certain exclusiveness must 
mark all our matinees and soirees; they would fail of 
the chief element of diversion if we invited every- 
body. Let us, therefore, make sure of the aesthetic 
and intellectual, the sympathetic and the genial, and 
sift out the pretentious and the impure. The rogues, 
the pretenders, the adventurers who push into the 
penetralia of our social circles are many, and it is to 
the exclusion of such that a hostess should devote 
herself. 

It is said that all women are born aristocrats, and 
it is sometimes said in the same tone with which 
the speaker afterwards adds that all women are born 
fools. A woman, from her finer sense, enjoys luxury, 
fine clothing, gorgeous houses, and all the refinements 
that money can buy; but even the most idle and lux- 
urious and foolish woman desires that higher luxury 
which art and intelligence and delicate appreciation 
can alone bring; the two are necessary to each other. 
To a hostess the difficulty of entertaining in such a 
manner as to unite in a perfect whole the financiers, 
the philosophers, the cultivated foreigners, the people 
of fashion, the sympathetic and the artistic is very 
great ; but a hostess may bring about the most ge- 
nial democracy at the modern matinee or soiree if she 
manages properly. 

What we once called a soiree has become nowadays 
the meeting of a club. Thus we have the Thursday 
Evening Club, the College Woman's Club, the Musical 
Club, the Whist Club, and the Talking Club. It is real- 
ly the same rather festive evening party, particularly 
the Drawing Room Club. At these, evening dress is 



216 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES. 

de rigueur. The entertainment often occurs at some 
public place, like Sherry's or Delmonico's. The ad- 
vantage of both the tea and the matinee is that our 
busy men can attend them, and the early hour and 
simple supper should be obligatory. 



CHAPTER XXVI. 

AFTERNOON TEA. 

In the middle of the sixteenth century, with pasties 
and ale for breakfast, with sugared cakes and spiced 
wines at various hours of the day, with solid " noon- 
ings," and suppers with strong potations of sack and 
such possets as were ordinary refreshments, it is not 
probable that tea would have been appreciated. The 
Dutch were crafty, however ; they saw there was a 
common need of a hot, stimulating beverage which 
had no intoxicating effects. They exported sage, 
enough to pay for the tea, and got the better of even 
the wily Chinaman, who avowed some time after, in 
their trade with America, "That spent tea-leaves, dried 
again, were good enough for second-chop Englishmen," 
as they called us. 

Jonas Haunay wrote a treatise against tea-drinking 
in Johnson's time, and that vast, insatiable, and shame- 
less tea-drinker took up the cudgels for tea, settling it 
as a brain-inspirer for all time, and wrote Rasselas on 
the strength of it. Cobbett wrote against its use 
by the laboring classes, and the Edinburgh Review 
endorsed his arguments, stating that a " prohibition 
absolute and uncompromising of the noxious beverage 
was the first step towards insuring health and strength 



218 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES. 

for the poor," and asserting that when a laborer fan< 
cied himself refreshed with a mess of this stuff, sweet- 
ened with the coarsest brown sugar and diluted by 
azure-blue milk, it was only the warmth of the water 
which consoled him for the moment. Cobbett claim- 
ed that the tea-table cost more to support than would 
keep two children at nurse. 

The Quarterly Review, in an article written perhaps 
by the most famous chemist of the day, said, how- 
ever, that "tea relieves the pains of hunger rather by 
mechanical distention than by supplying the waste of 
nature by adequate sustenance," but claimed for it the 
power of calm, placid, and benignant exhilaration, 
greatly stimulating the stomach when fatigued by di- 
gestive exertion, and acting as an appropriate diluent 
of the chyle. More recent inquiries into the qualities 
of the peculiar power of tea have tended to raise it in 
popular esteem, although no one has satisfactorily ex- 
plained why it has become so universally necessary to 
the human race. 

An agreeable little book called The Beverages We 
Indulge In, The Herbs Which We Infuse, or some 
such title, had a great deal to do with the adoption 
of tea as a drink for young men who were training 
for a boat-race, or who desired to economize their 
strength for a mountain climb. But every one, from 
the tired washer-woman to the student, the wrestler, 
the fine lady, and the strong man, demands a cup of 
tea. 

To the invalid it is the dearest solace, dangerous 
though it may be. Tannin, the astringent element in 
tea, is bad for delicate stomachs and seems to ruin ap- 



THE DIFFERENT KINDS OF TEA. 219 

petite. Tea, therefore, should never be allowed to 
stand. Hot water poured on the leaves and poured 
off into a cup can hardly afford the tannin time to get 
out. Some tea-drinkers even put the grounds in a 
silver ball, perforated, and swing this through a cup 
of boiling water, and in this way is produced the most 
delicate cup of tea. 

The famous Chinese lyric which is painted on al- 
most all the teapots of the Empire is highly poetical. 
" On a slow fire set a tripod ; fill it with clear rain- 
water. Boil it as long as it would be needed to turn 
fish white and lobsters red. Throw this upon the del- 
icate leaves of choice tea; let it remain as long as 
the vapor rises in a cloud. At your ease drink the 
pure liquor, which will chase away the five causes of 
trouble." 

The " tea of the cells of the Dragons," the purest 
Pekoe from the leaf -buds of three-year-old plants, no 
one ever sees in Europe; but we have secured many 
brands of tea which are sufficiently good ; and the 
famous Indian tea brought in by the great Exposition 
in Paris, in 1889, is fast gaining an enviable reputa- 
tion. It has a perfect bouquet and flavor. Green tea, 
beloved by our grandmothers, and still a favorite with 
some connoisseurs, has proved to have so much theine, 
the element of intoxication in tea, that it is forbidden 
to nervous people. Tea saves food by its action in 
preventing various wastes to the system. It is thus 
peculiarly acceptable to elderly persons, and to the 
tired laboring-woman. Doubtless Mrs. Gamp's famous 
teapot, with which she entertained Betsy Prig, con- 
tained green tea. 



220 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES. 

There is an unusually large amount of nitrogen in 
theine, and green tea possesses so large a proportion 
of it as to be positively dangerous. In the process of 
drying and roasting, this volatile oil is engendered. 
The Chinese dare not use it for a year after the leaf 
has been prepared, and the packer and unpacker of 
the tea suffer much from paralysis. The tasters of tea 
become frequently great invalids, unable to eat ; there- 
fore our favorite herb has it dangers. 

More consoling is the legend of the origin of the 
plant. A drowsy hermit, after long wrestling with 
sleep, cut off his eyelids and cast them on the ground. 
From them sprang a shrub whose leaves, shaped like 
eyelids and bordered with a fringe of lashes, possessed 
the power of warding off sleep. This was in the third 
century, and the plant was tea. 

But what has all this to do with the pleasant visage 
of a steaming kettle boiling over a blazing alcohol 
lamp, the silver tea-caddy, the padded cosey to keep the 
teapot warm, the basket of cake, the thin bread-and- 
butter, the pretty girl presiding over the cups, the deli- 
cate china, the more delicate infusion ? All these ele- 
ments go to make up the afternoon tea. From one or 
two ladies who stayed at home one day in the week 
and offered this refreshment to the many who came to 
find that it was a very easy method of entertaining, 
grew the present party in the daytime. The original 
five o'clock tea arose in England from the fact that 
ladies and gentlemen after hunting required some 
slight refreshment before dressing for dinner, and 
liked to meet for a little chat. It now is used as the 
method of introducing a daughter, and is an ordinary 



THE FIVE-O'CLOCK TEA. 221 

way of entertaining. This is, however, abusing the 
original intent. 

The primal idea was a good one. People who had 
not much money for entertaining were enabled to show 
their more opulent neighbors that they, too, had the 
spirit of hospitality. The doctors discovered that tea 
was healthy. English breakfast-tea would keep no- 
body awake. The cup of tea and the sandwich at five 
would spoil nobody's dinner. The ladies who began 
these entertainments, receiving modestly in plain 
dresses, were not out of tone with their guests who 
came in walking-dress. 

But then the other side was this : ladies had to go 
to nine teas of an afternoon, perhaps taste something 
everywhere. Hence the new disease, delirium teamens. 
It was uncomfortable to assist at a large party in a 
heavy winter garment of velvet and fur. The after- 
noon tea lost its primitive character and became an 
evening party in the daytime, with the hostess and her 
daughters in full dress, and her guests in walking-cos- 
tume. This was the abuse of a good thing. 

The sipping of too much tea produces the nervous 
prostration, the sleeplessness, the nameless misery of 
our overwrought women ; and thus a healthful, inex- 
pensive, and most agreeable adjunct to the art of en- 
tertaining grew into a thing without a name, and be- 
came the large, brilliantly lighted ball at five o'clock, 
where half the ladies were in decollete dresses, the 
others in fur tippets. It was pronounced a breeder 
of influenzas, and the high-road to a headache. 

If a lady can be at home every Thursday during 
the season, and always at her position behind the 



222 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES. 

blazing urn, and will have the firmness to continue 
this practice, she may create a salon out of her tea- 
cups. 

In giving a large afternoon tea, for which cards have 
been sent out, the hostess should stand by the draw- 
ing-room door and greet each guest, who, after a few 
words, passes on. In the adjoining room, usually the 
dining-room, a large table is spread with a white cloth, 
and at one end is a tea-service with a kettle of water 
boiling over an alcohol lamp, while at the other end is 
a service for chocolate. There should be flowers on 
the table, and dishes containing bread and butter cut 
as thin as a shaving. Cake and strawberries are al- 
ways permissible. One or two servants should be in 
attendance to carry away soiled cups and saucers, and 
to keep the table looking fresh ; but for the pour- 
ing of the tea and chocolate there should always be a 
lady, who, like the hostess, should wear a gown closed 
to the throat ; for nothing is worse form nowadays 
than full dress before dinner. The ladies of the house 
should not w r ear bonnets. 

When tea is served every afternoon at five o'clock, 
whether or no there are visitors, as is often the case 
in many houses, the servant — who, if a woman, should 
always in the afternoon wear a plain black gown, with 
a white cap and apron — should place a small, low table 
before the lady of the house, and lay over it a pretty, 
white cloth. She should then bring in a large tray, 
upon which are the tea-service and a plate of bread- 
and-butter, or cake, or both, place it upon the table, 
and retire — remaining within call, though out of sight, 
in case she should be needed. The best rule for mak- 



HOW TO MAKE TEA. 223 

ing tea is the old-fashioned one : " One teaspoonf ul for 
each person and one for the pot." The pot should 
first be rinsed with hot water, then the tea put in, and 
upon it should be poured enough water, actually 
boiling, to cover the leaves. This decoction should 
stand for five minutes ; then fill up the pot with more 
boiling water, and pour it immediately. Some persons 
prefer lemon in their tea to cream, and it is a good 
plan to have some thin slices, cut for the purpose, 
placed in a pretty little dish on the tray. A bowl of 
cracked ice is also a pleasant addition in summer, iced 
tea being a most refreshing drink in hot weather. 
Neither plates nor napkins need appear at this infor- 
mal and cosey meal. A guest arriving at this time in 
the afternoon should always be offered a cup of tea. 

Afternoon tea, in small cities or in the country, in 
villages and academic towns, can well be made a most 
agreeable and ideal entertainment for the official pres- 
entation of a daughter or for the means of seeing one's 
friends. In the busy winter season of a large city it 
should not be made the excuse for giving up the even- 
ing party, or the dinner, lunch, or ball. It is not all 
these, it is simply itself, and it should be a refuge for 
those women who are tired of balls, of over-dressing, 
dancing, visiting, and shopping. It is also very dear 
to the young, who find the convenient tea-table a good 
arena for flirtation. It is a form of entertainment which 
allows one to dispense with etiquette and save time. 

Five-o'clock teas should be true to their name, nor 
should any other refreshment be offered than tea, bread- 
and-butter, and little cakes. If other eatables are of- 
fered the tea becomes a reception. 



224 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES. 

There is a high tea, which takes the place of dinner 
on Sunday evenings in cities, which is a very pretty 
entertainment ; in small rural cities, in the country, it 
may take the place of dinners. These high teas were 
formerly very fashionable in Philadelphia. It gave 
an opportunity to offer hot rolls and butter, escalloped 
oysters, fried chicken, delicately sliced cold ham, 
waffles and hot cakes, preserves — alas ! since the days 
of canning who offers the delicious preserves of the 
past? The hostess sits in state behind her silver urn, 
and pours the hot tea or coffee or chocolate, and 
presses the guest to take another waffle. It is a de- 
lightful meal, and has no prototype in any country 
but our own. 

It is doubtful, however, whether the high tea will 
ever be popular in America — in large cities at least, 
where the custom of eight-o'clock dinners prevails. 
People find in them a violent change of living, which 
is always a challenge to indigestion. Some wit has 
said that he always liked to eat hot mince-pie just be- 
fore he went to bed, for then he always knew what 
hurt him. If any one wishes to know what hurts him, 
he can take high tea on Sunday evening, after having 
dined all the week at eight o'clock. A pain in his 
chest will tell him that the hot waffle, the cold tongue, 
the peach preserve, and that " last cup of tea " meant 
mischief. 

Oliver Cromwell is said to have been an early tea- 
drinker; so is Queen Elizabeth — elaborate old teapots 
are sold in London with the cipher of both ; but the 
report lacks confirmation. We cannot imagine Oliver 
drinking anything but verjuice, nor the lion woman 



THE FAR-REACHING INFLUENCES OF TEA. 225 

as sipping anything less strong than brown stout. 
Literature owes much to tea. From Cowper to Austin 
Dobson, the poets have had their fling at it. And 
what could the modern English novelist do without it? 
It has been in politics, as all remember who have seen 
Boston Harbor, and it goes into all the battles, and 
climbs Mont Blanc and the Matterhorn. The French, 
who despised it, are beginning to make a good cup of 
tea, and Russia bathes in it. The samovar cheers the 
long journeys across those dreary steppes, and forms 
again the most luxurious ornament of the palace. On 
all the high-roads of Europe one can get a cup of tea, 
except in Spain. There it is next to impossible ; the 
universal chocolate supersedes it. If one gets a cup 
of tea in Spain, there is no cream to put in it ; and to 
many tea-drinkers tea is ruined without milk or cream; 
but tea is far better without either. 

In fact, the poor tea-drinker is hard to please any- 
where. There are to the critic only one or two houses 
of one's acquaintance where five-o'clock tea is perfect. 

In these happy homes where tea is perfectly brewed 
at five o'clock, or where, indeed, it is always on tap, 
life is a success. 
15 



CHAPTER XXVII. 

CAUDLE AND CHRISTENING CUPS AND CERBMONIES c 

We are asked by many young mammas as to the 
meaning of the phrase " caudle parties." - 

Formerly the persons who called to congratulate 
the happy possessor of a new boy or girl were offered 
mulled wine and plum-cake. Some early chronicler 
thinks that the two got mixed, and that caudle was 
the result. 

Certain it is that a most delicious beverage, a kind 
of oatmeal gruel, boiled " two days," with raisins and 
spices, and fine old Madeira (some say rum) added, 
makes a dish fit to set before a king, and is offered 
now to the callers by a young mamma. The old 
English custom was to have this beverage served 
three days after the arrival of the little stranger. 
The caudle-cups, preserved in many an old family, 
are now eagerly sought after as curiosities ; they have 
two handles, so they could be passed from one to 
another. They were handed down as heirlooms when 
these caudle parties were more fashionable than they 
have been, until a recent date. Now there is a de- 
cided idea of reintroducing them. In those days the 
newly-made papa also entertained his friends with a 
stag party, when bachelors and also Benedicks were 
invited to eat buttered toast, which was sugared and 



SOME CHRISTENING OBSERVANCES. 227 

spread in a mighty punch-bowl, over which boiling- 
hot beer was poured. After the punch-bowl was emp- 
tied, each guest placed a piece of money in the bowl 
for the nurse. Strong ale was brewed, and a pipe of 
wine laid by to be drunk on the majority of the child. 

This greasy mess is fortunately now extinct, but 
the caudle, a really delicious dish or drink, is the fash- 
ion again. It is generally offered when master or 
miss is about six weeks old, and mamma receives her 
friends in a tea gown or some pretty convalescent 
wrap, very often made of velvet or plush cut in the 
form of a belted-in jacket and skirt, or in one long 
princesse robe, elaborately trimmed with cascades of 
lace down the front. The baby is, of course, shown, 
but not much handled. Some parents have the chris- 
tening and the caudle party together, but of this, it 
is said, the Church does not approve. 

The selection of god-parents is always a delicate 
task. It is a very great compliment, of course, to ask 
any one to stand in this relation, highly regarded in 
England, but not so much thought of here. For- 
merly there were always two godfathers and two 
godmothers, generally chosen from friends and rela- 
tions, who were expected to watch over the religious 
education of the young child, and to see that he w r as, 
in due time, confirmed. In all old countries this re- 
lationship lasts through life ; kindly help and counsel 
being given to the child by the godfather — even to 
adoption in many instances — should the parents die. 
But in our new country, with the absence of an es- 
tablished Church, and with our belief in the power 
of every man to take care of himself, this beautiful 



228 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES. 

relationship has been neglected. We are glad to see 
by our letters that it is being renewed, and that peo- 
ple are thinking more of these time-honored connec- 
tions. 

After a birth, friends and acquaintances should call 
and send in their cards, or send them by their servants, 
with kind inquiries. When the mother is ready to 
see her friends, she should, if she wishes, signify that 
time by sending out cards for a " caudle party." But 
let her be rather deliberate about this unless she has 
a mother, or aunt, or sister to take all the trouble for 
her. 

The godfather and godmother generally give some 
little present ; a silver cup or porringer, knife, fork, 
and spoon, silver basin, coral tooth-cutter, or coral 
and bells, were the former gifts ; but, nowadays, we 
hear of one wealthy godfather who left a check for 
$100,000 in the baby's cradle ; and it is not unusual 
for those who can do so to make some very valuable 
investment for the child, particularly if he bears the 
name of the godfather, 

Some people — indeed, most people — take their chil- 
dren to church to be baptized, and then give a lunch- 
eon at home afterwards, to which all are invited, es- 
pecially the officiating clergyman and his wife, as well 
as the sponsors. The presents should be given at this 
time. Old-fashioned people give the baby some salt 
and an egg for good luck, and are particular that he 
should be carried up-stairs before he is carried down, 
and that when he goes out first he shall be carried 
to the house of some near and dear relative. 

Confirmation is in the Episcopal Church the sequel 
17 



CONFIRMATION IN FRANCE AND ENGLAND. 229 

to baptism; and in France this is a beautiful and very 
important ceremony. In the month of May the streets 
are filled with white doves — young girls, all in mus- 
lin and lace veils, going with their mothers or chape- 
rons to be confirmed. Here the duty of the godfather 
or the godmother comes in; and if a child is an or- 
phan, or has careless or irreligious parents, the Church 
holds the godparent responsible that these children be 
brought to the bishop to be confirmed. 

Notices of confirmation to be held are always given 
out in the various churches some weeks prior to the 
event ; and persons desirous of being admitted to the 
rite are requested to make known their wish and to 
give their names to their clergyman. Classes are 
formed, and instruction and preparation given dur- 
ing the weeks preceding the day which the bishop 
has appointed. In England a noble English lady 
is as much concerned for her goddaughter through 
all this important period as she is for her daughter. 
In France the obligation is also considered sacred. 
We have known of a lady who made the journey from 
Montpellier to Paris — although she could scarcely af- 
ford the expense — to attend the confirmation of her 
goddaughter, although the young girl had a father 
and mother. 

It is a ceremony well worth seeing, either in Eng- 
land or France. The girls w T alk in long processions 
through the streets ; the dress uniformly of white 
with long veils. Youths follow in black suits, black 
ties, and gloves ; they enter one aisle of the church, 
the girls the other. When the time arrives, for the 
laying on of hands, the girls go first, two and two ; 



230 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES. 

they give their card or certificate into the hands of 
the bishop's chaplain, who stands near to receive them. 
The candidates kneel before the bishop, who lays his 
hands severally on their heads. 

Of course persons not belonging to- the Episcopal 
Church do not observe this rite. But as a belief in 
baptism is almost universal, there is no reason why 
the godfather and godmother should not be chosen 
and adhered to. We always name our children, or 
we are apt to, for some dear friend ; and we would 
all gladly believe that such a friendship, begun at the 
altar when he is being consecrated to a Christian life, 
may go with him and be a help to the dear little man. 
In our belligerent independence and our freedom from 
creeds and cant we have thrown away too much, and 
can afford to reassert our belief in and respect for a 
few old customs. 

Royalty has always been a respecter of these pow- 
ers. King Edward VI. and his sisters were each bap- 
tized when only three days old, and the ceremony, 
which lasted between two and three days, took place 
at night, by torch-light. The child was carried under 
a canopy, preceded by gentlemen bearing in state the 
sponsors' gifts, and attended by a flourish of trumpets. 

At a modern caudle party the invitations are sent 
out a week in advance, and read thus : 

"Mr. and Mrs. Brown request the pleasure of your company on 
Tuesday afternoon, at three o'clock. 18 West Kent Street Caudle. 
"No presents are expected." 

For the honor of being a godfather one receives a 
note in the first person, asking the friend to assume 



ADVICE TO MOTHERS. 231 

that kindly office, and also mentioning the fact that 
the name will be so and so. If the baby is named for 
the godfather, a very handsome present is usually 
made; if not, the godfather or godmother still sends 
some little token of regard. This, however, is en- 
tirely a matter of fancy. No one is obliged to give 
a present, of course. 

The baby at his christening is shown off in a splen- 
did robe, very much belaced and embroidered, and it 
is to be feared that it is a day of disturbance for him. 
Babies should not be too much excited ; a quiet and 
humdrum existence, a not too showy nurse, and reg- 
ular hours are conducive to a good constitution for 
these delicate visitors. The gay dresses and jingling 
ornaments of the Roman nurses are now denounced 
by the foreign doctors as being too exciting to the 
little eyes that are looking out on a new world. They 
are very pretty and picturesque, and many a travel- 
ling mamma goes into a large outlay for these bright 
colors and for the peasant jewelry. The practice of 
making a child ride backward in a push-wagon is also 
sternly denounced by modern physicians. 

Fashionable mammas who give caudle parties 
should remember that in our harsh climate mater- 
nity is beset by much feebleness as to nerves in both 
mother and child ; therefore a long seclusion in the 
nursery is advised before the dangerous period of 
entertaining one's friends begins. Let the caudle 
party wait, and the christening be done quietly in 
one's own bedroom, if the infant is feeble. Show off 
the young stranger at a later date : an ounce of pre- 
vention is worth a pound of cure. 



CHAPTER XXVIII. 

THE MODERN DINNER-TABLE. 

The appointments of the modern dinner-table strik- 
ingly indicate that growth of luxury of which the 
immediate past has been so fruitful. Up to twenty 
years ago a dinner, even in the house of a merchant 
prince, was a plain affair. There was a white table- 
cloth of double damask ; there were large, handsome 
napkins; there was a rich service of solid silver, and 
perhaps some good china. Flowers, if used at all, 
were not in profusion ; and as for glasses, only a 
few of plain white, or perhaps a green or a red one 
for claret or hock, were placed at the side of the plate. 

Of course there were variations and exceptions to 
this rule, but they were few and far between. One 
man, or often one maid-servant, waited at the table; 
and, as a protection for the table-cloth, mats were 
used, implying the fear that the dish brought from 
the top of the kitchen-range, if set down, would leave 
a spot or stain. All was on a simple or economical 
plan. The grand dinners were served by caterers^ 
hvho sent their men to wait at them, which led to the 
remark, often laughed at as showing English stupid- 
ity, made by the Marquis of Hartington when he vis- 
ited New York at the time of our war. As he looked 
at old Peter Van Dyck and his colored assistants. 



AS TO SERVANTS. 232 

whom he had seen at every house at which he had 
dined, he remarked, "How much all your servants 
resemble each other in America!" It was really an 
unintentional sarcasm, but it might well have sug- 
gested to our nouveaux riches the propriety of having 
their own trained servants to do the work of their 
houses instead of these outside men. A degree of 
elegance, to which we have not as a nation even yet 
attained, is that of having a well-trained corps of 
domestic servants. 

A mistress of a house should be capable of teach- 
ing her servants the method of laying a table and at- 
tending it, if she has to take, as we commonly must, 
the uneducated Irishman from his native bogs as a 
house-servant. If she employs the accomplished and 
well-recommended foreign servant, he is too apt to 
disarrange her establishment by disparaging the scale 
on which it is conducted, and to engender a spirit of 
discontent in her household. Servants of a very high 
class, who can assume the entire management of af- 
fairs, are only possible to people of great wealth, and 
they become tyrants, and often wholly detestable to the 
master and mistress after a short slavery. One New 
York butler lately refused to wash dishes, telling his 
mistress that it would ruin his finger-nails. But this 
man was a consummate servant, who laid the table and 
attended it, with an ease and grace that gave his mis-" 
tress that pleasant feeling of certainty that all would 
go well, which is the most comfortable of all feelings 
to a hostess, and without which dinner-giving is an- 
noyance beyond all words. 

The arrangement of a dinner-table and the waiting 



234 MANNEKS AND SOCIAL USAGES. 

upon it are the most important of all the duties of a 
servant or servants, and any betrayal of ignorance, 
any nervousness or noise, any accident, are to be de- 
plored, showing as they do want of experience and 
lack of training. 

No one wishes to invite his friends to be uncom- 
fortable. Those dreadful dinners which Thackeray de- 
scribes, at which people with small incomes tried to 
rival those of large means, will forever remain in 
the minds of his readers as among the most painful 
of all revelations of sham. We should be real first, 
and ornamental afterwards. 

In a wealthy family a butler and two footmen are 
employed, and it is their duty to work together in 
harmony, the butler having control. The two foot- 
men lay the table, the butler looking on to see that it 
is properly done. The butler takes care of the wine, 
and stands behind his mistress's chair. Where only 
one man is employed, the whole duty devolves upon 
him, and he has generally the assistance of the parlor- 
maid. Where there is only a maid-servant, the mis- 
tress of the house must see that all necessary arrange- 
ments are made. 

The introduction of the extension - table into our 
long, narrow dining-rooms has led to the expulsion 
of the pretty round-table, which is of all others the 
most cheerful. The extension -table, however, is al- 
most inevitable, and one of the ordinary size, with 
two leaves added, will seat twelve people. The pub- 
lic caterers say that every additional leaf gives room 
for four more people, but the hostess, in order to avoid 
crowding, would be wise if she tested this with her 



NUMBER TO INVITE TO A DINNER-PARTY. 235 

dining-room chairs. New York dinner-parties are 
often crowded — sixteen being sometimes asked when 
the table will only accommodate fourteen. This is a 
mistake, as heat and crowding should be avoided. In 
country houses, or in Philadelphia, Boston, Washing- 
ton, and other cities where the dining-rooms are or- 
dinarily larger than those in a New York house, the 
danger of crowding, of heat, and want of ventilation, 
is more easily avoided ; but in a furnace-heated room 
in New York the sufferings of the diners-out are some- 
times terrible. 

The arrangements for the dinner, whether the party 
be ten or twenty, should be the same. Much has been 
said about the number to be invited, and there is an 
old saw that one should not invite "fewer than the 
Graces nor more than the Muses." This partiality to 
uneven numbers refers to the difficulty of seating a 
party of eight, in which case, if the host and hostess 
take the head and foot of the table, two gentlemen and 
two ladies will come together. But the number of the 
Graces being three, no worse number than that could 
be selected for a dinner-party ; and nine would be 
equally uncomfortable at an extension -table, as it 
would be necessary to seat three on one side and four 
on the other. Ten is a good number for a small din- 
ner, and easy to manage. One servant can wait on 
ten people, and do it well, if well-trained. Twenty- 
four people often sit down at a modern dinner-table, 
and are well served by a butler and two men, though 
some luxurious dinner-givers have a man behind each 
chair. This, however, is ostentation. 

A lady, if she issue invitations for a dinner of ten 



236 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES. 

or twenty, should do so a fortnight in advance, and 
should have her cards engraved thus : 

Mr. and Mrs. James Norman 

request the pleasure of 

Mr. and Mrs. John Brown's company at dinner 

on Thursday, February eighth, 

at seven o'clock. 

These engraved forms, on note-paper, filled up with 
the necessary time and date, are very convenient and 
elegant, and should be answered by the fortunate re- 
cipient immediately, in the most formal manner, and 
the engagement should be scrupulously kept if ac- 
cepted. If the subsequent illness or death of relatives, 
or any other cause, renders this impossible, the hostess 
should be immediately notified. 

A gentleman is never invited without his wife, nor 
a lady without her husband, unless great intimacy 
exists between the parties, and the sudden need of 
another guest makes the request imperative. 

The usual hour for dinner-parties in America is 
seven o'clock ; but whatever the hour, the guests 
should take care to be punctual to the minute. In 
the hall the gentleman should find a card with his 
name, and that of the lady whom he is to take in, 
written on it, and also a small boutonni&re, which he 
places in his button-hole. On entering the drawing- 
room the lady goes first, not taking her husband's 
arm. If the gentleman is not acquainted with the 
lady whom he is to take in to dinner, he asks his 
hostess to present him to her, and he endeavors to 
place himself on an agreeeble footing with her before 
they enter the dining-room. 



SERVICE A LA RUSSE. 237 

When the last guest has arrived, dinner is ready, 
and the butler makes his announcement. The host 
leads the way, with the lady to whom the dinner is 
given, and the hostess follows last, with the gentle- 
man whom she wishes to honor. 

The people who enter a modern dining-room find a 
picture before them, which is the result of painstaking 
thought, taste, and experience, and, like all works of 
art, worthy of study. 

On entering the room, at each place, as the servant 
draws back the chair, the guest sees a bewildering 
number of glass goblets, wine and champagne glasses, 
several forks, knives, and spoons, and a majolica plate 
holding oysters on the half shell, with a bit of lemon 
in the centre of the plate. The napkin, deftly folded, 
holds a dinner-roll, which the guest immediately re- 
moves. The servants then, seeing all the guests seated, 
pass red and black pepper, in silver pepper-pots, on a 
silver tray. A small, peculiarly shaped fork is laid by 
each plate, at the right hand, for the oysters. Al- 
though some ladies now have all their forks laid on 
the left hand of the plate, this, however, is not usual. 
After the oysters are eaten, the plates are removed, 
and two kinds of soup are passed — a white and a brown 
soup. 

During this part of the dinner the guest has time 
to look at the beautiful Queen Anne silver, the hand- 
some lamps, if lamps are used (we may mention the 
fact that about twenty -six candles will well light a 
dinner of sixteen persons), and the various colors of 
lamp and candle shades. Then the beauty of the flowers, 
and, as the dinner goes on, the variety of the modern 



23 S MANNERS Atti> SOCIAL USAGES. 

Dresden china, the Sevres, the Royal Worcester, and 
the old blue can be discussed and admired. 

The service is d la Husse; that is, everything is 
handed by the servants. Nothing is seen on the table 
except the wines (and only a few of these), the bon- 
bons, and the fruit. No greasy dishes are allowed. 

At his right hand each guest finds a goblet of ele- 
gantly engraved glass for water, two of the broad, 
flat, flaring shape of the modern champagne glass 
(although some people are using the long vase -like 
glass of the past for champagne), a beautiful Bohe- 
mian green glass, apparently set with gems, for the 
hock, a ruby-red glass for the claret, two other large 
white claret or Burgundy glasses, and three wine- 
glasses of cut or engraved glass. Harlequin glasses, 
which give to the table the effect of a bed of tulips, 
are in fashion for those who delight in color and 
variety. 

The hostess may prefer the modern napery, so ex- 
quisitely embroidered in gold thread, which affords 
an opportunity to show the family coat of arms, or 
the heraldic animals — the lion and the two-headed 
eagle and the griffin — intertwined in graceful shapes 
around the whole edge of the table and on the nap- 
kins. 

As the dinner goes on the guest revels in unex- 
pected surprises in the beauty of the plates, some of 
which look as if made of solid gold ; and when the 
Roman punch is served it comes in the heart of a 
red, red rose, or in the bosom of a swan, or the cup 
of a lily, or the " right little, tight little " life-saving 
boat. Faience, china, glass, and ice are all pressed 



TABLE DECORATIONS. 239 

into the service of the Roman punch, and sometimes 
the prettiest dish of all is hewn out of ice. This is, 
however, subject to the caprice of the hostess. 

In 1900, the modern dinner is generally at eight 
o'clock. It is a fine art, that of giving a success- 
ful dinner. The fine art is achieved in London, and 
has been slow in arriving here. The vulgarism still 
attached to dinners, in New York, is their over-length, 
and ostentation as to flowers. 

We will try to see how all this picture is made, 
beginning at the laying of the table, the process of 
which we will explain in detail in the next chapter. 



CHAPTER XXIX. 

LAYING THE DINNER-TABLE. 

The table, after being drawn out to its prope* 
length, should be covered with a cotton-flannel table- 
cloth — white, if the table-cover is the ordinary dam- 
ask ; red, if the open work table-cover is to be used. 
This broad cotton flannel can be bought for eighty 
cents a yard. The table-cloth, if of white damask, 
should be perfectly ironed, with one long fold down 
the middle, which must serve the butler for his 
mathematical centre. No one can be astray in using 
fine white damask. If a lady wishes to have the 
more rare Russian embroidery, the gold embroidered 
on the open-work table-cloth, she can do so, but let 
her not put any cloth on her table that will not wash. 
The mixed-up things trimmed with velvet or satin or 
ribbon, which are occasionally seen on vulgar tables, 
are detestable. 

However, in some families one sees silver epergnes 
which are heirlooms. These are now valued for old 
association's sake ; as are the silver candlesticks and 
silver compotiers. Where a family does not possess 
these table ornaments, a centre-piece of glass is used. 
The flat basket of flowers, over which the guests could 
talk, has not been discarded, but the ornaments of a 
dinner-table are apt to be high, including the lamps 
and candelabra which at present replace gas. 



DUTIES OF THE BUTLER. 241 

The table - cloth being laid, the centre and side 
ornaments placed, the butler sees that each footman 
has a clean towel on his arm, and then proceeds to 
unlock the plate chest and the glass closet. Measur- 
ing with his hand, from the edge of the table to the 
end of his middle finger, he places the first glass. 
This measurement is continued around the table, and 
secures a uniform line for the water goblet, and the 
claret, wine, hock, and champagne glasses, which are 
grouped about it. He then causes a plate to be put 
at each place, large enough to hold the majolica plate 
with the oysters, which will come later. One footman 
is detailed to fold the napkins, which should be large, 
thick, fine, and serviceable for this stage of the din- 
ner. The napkins are not folded in any hotel device, 
but simply in a three-cornered pyramid that will stand 
holding the roll or bread. The knives, forks, and 
spoons, each of which is wiped by the footman with 
his clean towel, so that no dampness of his own hand 
shall mar their sparkling cleanliness, are then distrib* 
uted. These should be all of silver; two knives, three 
forks, and a soup-spoon being the usual number laid 
at each plate. 

Before each plate is placed a little salt-cellar, either 
of silver or china, in some fanciful shape. Tiny wheel- 
barrows are much used. A carafe holding water should 
be put on very late, and be fresh from the ice-chest. 

Very thin glasses are now used for choice sherry 
and Madeira, and are not put on until the latter part 
of the dinner. 

Menu-holders or card-holders of china or silver are 
often placed before each plate ; to hold the card on 



242 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES. 

which the name of the guest is printed and the bill of 
fare from which he is to choose. These may be dis- 
pensed with, however, and the menu and name laid on 
each plate ; and some hostesses have discarded menus 
altogether. 

The butler now turns his attention to his sideboards 
and tables, from whence he is to draw his supplies. 
Many people make a most ostentatious display of 
plate and china on their sideboards, and if one has 
pretty things why not show them ? The poorer and 
more modest have, on their sideboards, simply the 
things which will be needed. But there should be a 
row of large forks, a row of large knives, a row of 
small ones, a row of table - spoons, sauce-ladles, des- 
sert-spoons, fish-slice and fork, a few tumblers, rows 
of claret, sherry, and Madeira glasses, and the reserve 
of dinner-plates. 

On another table or sideboard should be placed the 
finger-bowls and glass dessert-plates, the smaller spoons 
and coffee cups and saucers. On the table nearest the 
door should be the carving-knives and the first dinner- 
plates to be used. Here the head footman or the but- 
ler divides the fish and carves the pihce de resistance, 
the fillet of beef, the haunch of venison, the turkey, 
or the saddle of mutton. It is from this side-table 
that all the dinner should be served ; if the dining- 
room is small, the table can be placed in the hall or 
adjacent pantry. As the fish is being served, the first 
footman should offer Chablis, or some kind of white 
wine ; with the soup, sherry ; with the roast, claret and 
champagne, each guest being asked if he will have dry 
or sweet champagne. 



THE DINNER-WAGON. 243 

As the plates are removed they should not be kept 
in the dining-room, but sent to the kitchen immedi- 
ately, a maid standing outside to receive them, so that 
no disorder of the dinner may reach the senses of the 
guests, nor even an unpleasant odor. As each plate 
is removed a fresh plate must be put in its place — 
generally a very beautiful piece of Sevres, decorated 
with a landscape, flowers, or faces. 

Sparkling wines, hock and champagne, are not de- 
canted, but are kept in ice-pails, and opened as re- 
quired. On the sideboard is placed the wine decanted 
for use, and poured out as needed; after the game has 
been handed, decanters of choice Madeira and port 
are placed before the host, who sends them round to 
his guests. 

In England a very useful little piece of furniture, 
called a dinner-wagon, is in order. This is a series of 
open shelves, on which are placed the extra napkins 
or serviettes to be used; for in England the first heavy 
napkin is taken away, and a more delicate one brought 
with the Roman punch, with the game another, and 
with the ices still another. On this dinner-wagon are 
placed all the dessert - plates and the finger-glasses. 
On the plate which is to serve for the ice is a gold 
ice-spoon, and a silver dessert-knife and fork accom- 
pany the finger-bowl and glass plate. This dinner- 
wagon also holds the salad-bowl and spoon, of silver, 
the salad plates, and the silver bread-basket, in which 
should be thin slices of brown bread-and-butter. A 
china dish in three compartments, with cheese and 
butter and biscuits to be passed with the salad, the 
extra sauces, the jellies for the meats, the relishes, the 



244 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES. 

radishes and celery, the olives and the sifted sugar — 
all things needed as accessories of the dinner-table — 
can be put on this dinner-wagon, or etag&re, as it is 
called in France. 

We notice in the smart dinners of 1900 a curtail- 
ment of the dinner menus and the shortening of what 
was once a tedious function. People who keep a chef 
and an establishment, and who have saved us from 
that barbarous time when we were at the mercy of ca- 
terers, and when we knew that to each dinner we went 
we should have the same plats, these beneficent dinner- 
givers ask us to a dinner which is shorter, viands better, 
and wines fewer than they were even five years ago, 
all of which is most merciful and kind to one's " to- 
morrow." 

No table-spoons should be laid on the table, except 
those to be used for soup, as the style of serving d la 
Russe precludes their being needed ; and the extra 
spoons, cruets, and casters are put on the sideboard. 

To wait on a large dinner-party the attendants 
average one to every three people, and when only a 
butler and one footman are kept, it is necessary to 
hire additional servants. 

Previous to the announcement of the dinner, the 
footman places the soup-tureens and the soup-plates 
on the side-table. As soon as the oysters are eaten, 
and the plates removed, the butler begins with the 
aoup, and sends it round by two footmen, one on each 
side, each carrying two plates. Each footman should 
approach the guests on the left, so that the right hand 
may be used for taking the plate. Half a ladleful of 
soup is quite enough to serve. 



ORDER OF THE COURSE AT DINNER. 245 

Some ladies never allow their butler to do any- 
thing but hand the wine, which he does at the right 
hand (not the left), asking each person if he will have 
Sauterne, dry or sweet champagne, claret, Burgundy, 
and so on. But really clever butlers serve the soup, 
carve, and pour out the wine as well. An inexperi- 
enced servant should never serve the wine; it must 
be done briskly and neatly, not explosively or care- 
lessly. The overfilling of the glass should be avoided, 
and servants should be watched, to see that they 
give champagne only to those who wish it, and that 
they do not overfill glasses for ladies, who rarely 
drink anything. 

A large plate-basket or two, for removing dishes 
and silver that have been used, are necessary, and 
should not be forgotten. The butler rings a bell 
which communicates with the kitchen w r hen he re- 
quires anything, and after each entree or course he 
thus gives the signal to the cook to send up another. 

Hot dinner-plates are prepared when the fish is re- 
moved, and on these hot plates the butler serves all 
the meats ; the guests are also served with hot plates 
before the entrees, except pdte de foie gras, for which 
a cold plate is necessary. 

Some discretion should be shown by the servant 
who passes the entrees, A large table - spoon and 
fork should be placed on the dish, and the dish then 
held low, so that the guest may help himself easily, 
the servant standing at his left hand. He should 
always have a small napkin over his hand as he 
passes a dish. A napkin should also be wrapped 
around the champagne bottle, as it is often drip 



246 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES. 

ping with moisture from the ice-chest. It is the 
butler's duty to make the salad, which he should do 
about half an hour before dinner. There are now so 
many provocatives of appetite that it would seem as 
if we were all, after the manner of Heliogabalus, 
determined to eat or die. The best of these is the 
Roman punch, which, coming after the heavy roasts, 
prepares the palate and stomach for the canvas-back 
ducks or other game. Then comes the salad and 
cheese, then the ices and sweets, and then cheese 
savourie or cheese fondu. This is only toasted cheese, 
in a very elegant form, and is served in little silver 
shells, sometimes as early in the dinner as just after 
the oysters, but the favorite time is after the sweets. 

The dessert is followed by the liqueurs, which should 
be poured into very small glasses, and handed by the 
butler on a small silver waiter. It is at the pleasure 
of the hostess whether or not this is handed at the 
table or in the drawing-room. When the ices are 
removed, a dessert-plate of glass, with a finger-bowl, 
is placed before each person, with two glasses, one 
for sherry, the other for claret or Burgundy, and the 
grapes, peaches, pears, and other fruits are then 
passed. After the fruits go round, the sugar-plums 
and a little dried ginger — a very pleasant conserve — 
are passed before the coffee. 

The hostess makes the sign for retiring, and the 
dinner breaks up. The gentlemen are left to wine 
and cigars, liqueurs and cognac, and the ladies retire 
to the drawing-room to chat and take their coffee. 

In the selection of the floral decoration for the ta- 
ble the lady of the house has the final voice. Flow- 



THE FLORAL DECORATIONS. 247 

ers which have a very heavy fragrance should not be 
used. That roses and pinks, violets and lilacs, are 
suitable, goes without saying, for they are always 
delightful ; but the heavy tropical odors of jasmine, 
orange-blossom, hyacinth, and tuberose should be 
avoided. A very pretty decoration is obtained by 
using flowers of one color, such as Jacqueminot roses, 
or scarlet carnations, which, if placed in the gleam- 
ing crystal glass, produce a very brilliant and beau- 
tiful effect. 

Flowers should not be put on the table until just 
before dinner is served, as they are apt to be wilted 
by the heat and the lights. 

We have used the English term footman to indi- 
cate what is usually called a waiter in this country. 
A waiter in England is a hired hotel-hand, not a pri- 
vate servant. 

An unreasonable conceit is that of having toys — 
such as imitation musical instruments, crackers which 
make an unpleasant detonation, imitations of negro 
minstrels, balloons, flags, and pasteboard lobsters, 
toads, and insects — presented to each lady. These 
articles are neither tasteful nor amusing, and have 
" no excuse for being " except that they afford an op- 
portunity for the expenditure of more money. 

In 1900 the principal luxury of the dinner -table 
decoration is confined to the flowers. 



CHAPTER XXX. 

FAVORS AND BONBONNIERES. 

Truly " the world is very young for its age." We 
are never too old to admire a pretty favor or a taste- 
ful bonbonnibre / and, looking back over the season, 
we remember, as among the most charming of the 
favors, those with flowers painted upon silken ban- 
ners, with the owner's name intertwined. The tech- 
nical difficulties of painting upon silk are somewhat 
conquered, one would think,' in looking at the endless 
devices composed of satin and painted flowers on the 
lunch-tables. Little boxes covered with silk, in eight 
and six sided forms, with panels let in, on which are 
painted acorns and oak leaves, rosebuds or lilies, and 
always the name or the cipher of the recipient, are very 
pretty. The Easter-egg has long been a favorite offer- 
ing in silk, satin, plush, and velvet, in covered, egg- 
shaped boxes containing bonbons; these, laid in a nest 
of gold and silver threads in a cloisonne basket, afford 
a very pretty souvenir to carry home from a luncheon. 

Menu-holders of delicate gilt-work are also added 
to the other favors. These pretty little things some- 
times uphold a photograph, or a porcelain plate on 
which is painted the lady's name, and also a few flow- 
ers. The little porcelain cards are not larger than a 
visiting-card, and are often very artistic. The famous 



THE MANY KINDS OF FAVORS. 249 

and familiar horseshoe, in silver or silver-gilt, hold- 
ing up the menu-card, is another pretty favor, and 
a very nice one to carry home, as it becomes a pen- 
holder when it is put on the writing-table. Wire 
rests, shaped like those used for muskets in barracks- 
yards, are also used for the name and menu - cards. 
Plateaus, shells, baskets, figurettes, vases holding 
flowers, dolphins, Tritons, swan, sea animals (in 
crockery), roses which open and disclose the sugar- 
plums, sprays of coral, and gilt conch-shells, are all 
pretty, especially when filled with flowers. 

Baskets in various styles are often seen. One tied 
with a broad ribbon at the side is very useful as a 
work-basket afterwards. Open-work baskets, lined 
with crimson or scarlet or pink or blue plush, with 
another lining of silver paper to protect the plums, 
are very tasteful. A very pretty basket is one hung 
between three gilt handles or poles, and filled with 
flowers or candies. Silvered and gilded beetles, or 
butterflies, fastened on the outside, have a fanciful 
effect. 

Moss-covered trays holding dried grasses and straw, 
and piles of chocolates that suggest ammunition, are 
decorative and effective. 

Wheelbarrows of tiny size for flowers are a favor- 
ite conceit. They are made of straw-work, entirely 
gilded, or painted black or brown, and picked out 
with gold; or perhaps pale green, with a bordering of 
brown. A very pretty one may be made of old cigar- 
box wood; on one side a monogram painted in red and 
gold, on the other a spray of autumn leaves. Carved- 
wood barrows fitted with tin inside may hold a grow- 



250 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES. 

ing plant — stephanotis, hyacinths, ferns, ivy, or any 
other hardy plant — and are very pleasing souvenirs. 

The designs for reticules and chdtelaines are endless. 
At a very expensive luncheon, to which twenty-four 
ladies sat down, a silk reticule a foot square, filled with 
Maillard's confections and decorated with an exquisite- 
ly painted landscape effect, was presented to each guest. 
These lovely reticules may be any shape, and com- 
posed of almost any material. A very handsome style 
is an eight -sided, melon -shaped bag of black satin, 
with a decoration of bunches of scarlet flowers painted 
or embroidered. Silk braided with gold, brocade, and 
plush combined, and Turkish towelling with an ap- 
plique of brilliant color, are all suitable and effective. 

In the winter a shaded satin muff, in which was 
hidden a bonbonniere, was the present that made glad 
the hearts of twenty-eight ladies. These are easily 
made in the house, and a plush muff with a bird's 
head is a favorite " favor." 

A pair of bellows is a pretty and inexpensive bon- 
bonnilre. They can be bought at the confectioner's, 
and are more satisfactory than when made at home ; 
but if one is ingenious, it is possible, with a little 
pasteboard, gilt paper, silk, and glue, to turn out a 
very pretty little knickknack of this kind. However, 
the French do these things so much better than we 
do that a lady giving a lunch-party had better buy 
all her favors at some wholesale place. There is a 
real economy in buying such articles at the wholesale 
stores, for the retail dealers double the price. 

Bronze, iron, and glass are all pressed into the ser- 
vice, and occasionally we have at a lunch a whole 



FAVORS FOR CHRISTENING PARTIES. 251 

military armament of cannon, muskets, swords, bronze 
helmets, whole suits of armor, tazza for jewellery, min- 
iature cases, inkstands, and powder-boxes, all to hold 
a few sugar-plums. 

At a christening party all the favors savor of the 
nursery — splendid cradles of flowers, a bassinet of 
brilliante trimmed with ribbons for a bonbonnidre, 
powder-boxes, puffs, little socks filled with sugar in- 
stead of little feet, an infant's cloak standing on end 
(really over pasteboard), an infant's hood, and even 
the flannel shirt has been copied. Of course the bap- 
tismal dish and silver cup are easily imitated. 

Perfumery is introduced in little cut-glass bottles, 
in leaden tubes like paint tubes, in perfumed arti- 
ficial flowers, in sachets of powder, and in the handles 
of fans. 

Boxes of satinwood, small wood covers for music 
and blotting cases, painted by hand, are rather pret- 
ty favors. The plain boxes and book covers can be 
bought and ornamented by the young artists of the 
family. Nothing is prettier than an owl sitting on 
an ivy vine for one of these. The owl, indeed, plays 
a very conspicuous part at the modern dinner -table 
and luncheon. His power of looking wise and being 
foolish at the same time fits him for modern society. 
He enters it as a pepper-caster, a feathered bonbon- 
ni&re, a pickle-holder (in china), and is drawn, paint- 
ed, and photographed in every style. A pun is made 
on his name : " Should owled acquaintance be forgot ?" 
etc. He is a favorite in jewellery, and is often carved 
in jade. Indeed, the owl is having his day, having 
had the night always to himself. 



252 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES. 

The squirrel, the dog, " the frog that would a-woo- 
ing go," the white duck, the pig, and the mouse, are 
all represented in china, and in the various silks and 
gauzes of French taste, or in their native skins, or in 
any of the disguises that people may fancy. Bears 
with ragged staffs stand guard over a plate of mod- 
ern faience, as they do over the gates of Warwick 
Castle. Cats mewing, catching mice, playing on the 
Jews -harp, elephants full of choicest confectionery, 
lions and tigers with chocolate insides, and even the 
marked face and long hair of a poet, the last holding, 
within its ample cranium, caraway - seeds instead of 
brains, played their part as favors. 

The green enamelled dragon-fly, grasshoppers and 
beetles, flies and wasps, moths and butterflies, bright- 
tinted mandarin ducks, peacocks, and ostriches, tor- 
toises cut in pebbles or made of pasteboard, shrimps 
and crabs, do all coldly furnish forth the lunch-table 
as favors and bonbonnibres. Then come plaster or 
pasteboard gondolas, skiffs, wherries, steamships, and 
ferry-boats, all made with wondrous skill and freight- 
ed with caramels. Imitation rackets, battledoor and 
shuttlecock, hoops and sticks, castanets, cup and ball, 
tambourines, guitars, violins, hand-organs, banjos, and 
drums, all have their little day as fashionable favors 
for the cotillon or birthday parties. 

Little statuettes of Kate Greenaway's quaint chil- 
dren now appear as favors, and are very charming. 
Nor is that " flexible curtain," the fan, left out. Those 
of paper, pretty but not expensive, are very common 
favors. But the opulent offer pretty satin fans painted 
with the recipient's monogram, or else a fan which will 



FATORS FOR GENTLEMEN. 253 

match flowers and dress. Fans of lace and of tortoise- 
shell and carved ivory and sandal-wood are sometimes 
presented, but they are too ostentatious. Let us say 
to the givers of feasts, be not too magnificent, but if 
you give a fan, give one that is good for something, 
not a thing which breaks with the " first fall." 

A very pretty set of favors, called "fairies," are 
little groups of children painted on muslin, with a 
background of ribbon. The muslin is so thin that 
the children seem floating on air. The lady's name 
is also painted on the ribbon. 

We find that favors for gentlemen, such as sunflow- 
ers, pin-cushions, small purses, scarf-pins, and sleeve- 
buttons, are more useful than those bestowed upon 
ladies, but not so ornamental. 

Very pretty baskets, called huits (the baskets used 
by the vine-growers to carry earth for the roots of 
the vines), are made of straw ornamented with arti- 
ficial flowers and grasses, and filled with bonbons. 

Little Leghorn hats trimmed with pompons of mus- 
lin, blue, pink, or white, are filled with natural flowers 
and hung on the arm. These are a lovely variation. 

Fruits — the apple, pear, orange, and plum, delight- 
fully realistic — are made of composition, and open to 
disclose most unexpected seeds. 

A trowel, a knife, fork, and spoon, of artistically 
painted wood, and a pair of oars, all claim a passing 
notice as artistic novelties. 

Bags of plush, and silk embroidered with daisies, 
are very handsome and expensive favors ; heavily 
trimmed with lace, they cost four dollars apiece, but 
are sold a little cheaper by the dozen. Blue sashes, 



254 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES. 

with flowers painted on paper (and attached to the 
sash a paper on which may be written the menu), cost 
eighteen dollars a dozen. A dish of snails, fearfully 
realistic, can be bought for one dollar a plate, fruits 
for eighteen dollars a dozen, and fans anywhere from 
twelve up to a hundred dollars a dozen. 

A thousand dollars is not an unusual price for a 
luncheon, including flowers and favors, for eighteen 
to twenty-four guests. Indeed, a luncheon was once 
given for which the hostess offered a prize for copies 
in miniature of the musical instruments used in 
" Patience." They were furnished to her for three 
hundred dollars. The names of these now almost 
obsolete instruments were rappaka, tibia, archlute, 
tambour, kiffar, quinteme, rehal, tuckin, archviola, 
lyra, serpentine, chluy, viola da gamba, balalaika, 
gong, ravanastron, monochord, shopkar. The " arch 
lute " is the mandolin. They represented all coun- 
tries, and were delicate specimens of toy handiwork. 

We have not entered into the vast field of glass, 
china, porcelain, cloisonne, Dresden, faience jugs, box- 
es, plates, bottles, and vases, which are all used as 
favors. Indeed, it would be impossible to describe 
half of the fancies which minister to modern ex- 
travagance. The bonbonniere can cost anything, 
from five to five hundred dollars ; fifty dollars for a 
satin box filled with candy is not an uncommon price. 
Sometimes, when the box is of oxidized silver — a quaint 
copy of the antique from Benvenuto Cellini — this price 
is not too much; but when it is a thing which tarnishes 
in a month, it seems ridiculously extravagant. 

We have seen very pretty and artistic cheap favors. 



OCCASIONS FOR THE FAVORS. 255 

Reticules made of bright cotton, or silk handker- 
chiefs with borders ; cards painted by the artists of 
the family; palm-leaf fans covered with real flowers, 
or painted with imitation ones ; sunflowers made of 
pasteboard, with portfolios behind them ; pretty little 
parasols of flowers ; Little Red Riding Hood, officiat- 
ing as a receptacle for stray pennies; Japanese tea- 
pots, with the "cosey" made at home; little doyleys 
wrought with delightful designs, and numberless other 
graceful and charming trifles. 

In 1900 the bicycle has become a favorite article to 
copy, and the little wheels are made to revolve and 
chase the favored hours with flying feet down the 
table, bearing a very good copy of a rider who bends 
over decidedly too much. 

These are intended for luncheon parties, in the in- 
formal feasts of Christmas, St. Valentine's Day, chil- 
dren's parties, and so on. 



CHAPTER XXXI. 

DINNER-TABLE NOVELTIES IN 1900. 

One would think that modern luxury had reached 
its ultimatum in the delicate refinements of dinner-giv- 
ing, but each dinner-table reveals the fact that this is 
an inexhaustible subject. The floral world is capable 
of an infinity of surprises, and the last one is a cameo 
of flowers on a door, shaped like a four-leaved clover. 
The guests are thus assured of good-luck. The horse- 
shoe having been so much used that it is now almost 
obsolete, except in jewelry, the clover-leaf has come 
in. A very beautiful dinner far up Fifth Avenue had 
this winter an entirely new idea, inasmuch as the flow- 
ers were put overhead. The delicate vine, resembling 
green asparagus in its fragility, was suspended from 
the chandelier to the four corners of the room, and on 
it were hung delicate roses, lilies-of-the-valley, pinks, 
and fragrant jasmine, which sent down their odors, 
and occasionally dropped themselves into a lady's lap. 
This is an exquisite bit of luxury. 

Then the arrival, two months before Easter, of the 
fragrant, beautiful Easter lilies has added a magnif- 
icent and stately effect to the central bouquets. It 
has been found that the island of Bermuda is a great 
reservoir of these bulbs, which are sent up, like their 
unfragrant rivals the onions, by the barrelful. Even 



FLOWERS FOR THE DINXER-TABLE. 257 

a piece of a bulb will produce from three to five lilies, 
so that these fine flowers are more cheap and plenty in 
January than usually in April. A dining-room, square 
in shape, hung with richly-embroidered, old-gold tap- 
estry, with a round table set for twenty, with silver 
and glass and a great bunch of lilies and green ferns 
in the middle, and a "crazy quilt" of flowers over 
one's head, may well reproduce the sense of dream- 
land which modern luxury is trying to follow. 

Truly we live in the days of Aladdin. 

The florists will furnish you red clovers in January 
if you give your order in October. Great bunches of 
flowers, of a pure scarlet unmixed with any other color, 
are very fashionable, and the effect m a softly-lighted 
room is most startling and beautiful. 

The lighting of rooms by means of lamps and can- 
dles is giving hostesses great annoyance. There is 
scarcely a dinner-party but the candles set fire to their 
fringed shades, and a conflagration ensues. Then the 
new lamps, which give such a resplendent light, have 
been known to melt the metal about the wick, and the 
consequences have been disastrous. The next move 
will probably be the dipping of the paper in some 
asbestos or other anti-inflammable substance, so that 
there will be no danger of fire at the dinner-table. 
The screens put over the candles should not have this 
paper-fringe ; it is very dangerous. But if a candle- 
screen takes fire, have the coolness to let it burn itself 
up without touching it, as thus it will be entirely in- 
nocuous, although rather appalling to look at. Move 
a plate under it to catch the flying fragments, and no 
harm will be done ; but a well-intentioned effort to 



258 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES. 

blow it out or to remove it generally results in a very 
much more wide-spread conflagration. To this danger 
is now added that of a broken electric wire, not suffi- 
ciently insulated, which burns down the house. 

China and glass go on improving ; and there are 
jewelled goblets and centre-pieces of yellow glass cov- 
ered with gold and what looks like jewels. Knives 
and forks are now to be had with crystal handles set 
in silver, very ornamental and clean-looking; these 
come from Bohemia. The endless succession of beau- 
tiful plates are more and more Japanese in tone. 

Satsuma vases and jugs are often sent to a lady, full 
of beautiful roses, thus making a lasting souvenir of 
what would be a perishable gift. These Satsuma jugs 
are excellent things in which to plant hyacinths, and 
they look well in the centre of the dinner-table with 
these flowers growing in them. 

Faded flowers can be entirely restored to freshness 
by clipping the stems and putting them in very hot 
water; then set them away from the furnace-heat, 
and they come on the dinner-table fresh for several 
days after their disappearance in disgrace as faded or 
jaded bouquets. Flowers thus restored have been put 
in a cold library, where the water, once hot, has frozen 
stiff, and yet have borne these two extremes of tem- 
perature without loss of beauty — in fact, have lasted 
presentably from Monday morning to Saturday night. 
What flowers cannot stand is the air we all live in — 
at what cost to our freshness we find out in the spring 
— the over-heated furnace and the air of the modern 
dining-room. The secret of the hot-water treatment is 
said to be this: the sap is sent up into the flower in* 



LOW-CUT DRESSES. 25.9 

stead of lingering in the stems. Roses respond to this 
treatment wonderfully. 

The fashion of wearing low-necked dresses at dinner 
has become so pronounced that the moralists begin to 
issue weekly essays against this revival as if it had 
never been done before. Our virtuous grandmothers 
would be astonished to hear that their ball-dresses 
(never cut high) were so immoral and indecent. The 
fact remains that a sleeveless gown, cut in a Pompa- 
dour form, is far more of a revelation of figure than a 
low-necked dinner-dress properly made. There is no 
line of the figure so dear to the artist as that one re- 
vealed from the nape of the neck to the shoulder. A 
beautiful back is the delight of the sculptor. No lady 
who understands the fine-art of dress would ever have 
her gown cut too low: it is ugly, besides being im- 
modest. The persons who bring discredit on fash- 
ion are those who misinterpret it. The truly artistic 
modiste cuts a low-necked dress to reveal the fine lines 
of the back, but it is never in France cut too low in 
front. The excessive heat of an American dining-room 
makes this dress very much more comfortable than the 
high dresses which were brought in several years ago, 
because a princess had a goitre which she wished to 
disguise. 

No fulminations against fashion have ever effected 
reforms. We must take fashion as we find it, and strive 
to mould dress to our own style, not slavishly adhering 
to, but respectfully following, the reigning mode, re- 
membering that all writings and edicts against this sub- 
ruler of the world are like sunbeams falling on a stone 
wall. The sunbeams vanish, but the stone wall remains. 



260 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES. 

The modern married belle at a dinner is apt to be 
dressed in white, with much chiffon trimming, with 
feathers in her hair, and with diamonds on her neck 
and arms, and a crown on her head, which is not re- 
publican, and a pair of long, brown Swedish gloves 
drawn up to her shoulders ; a fan of ostrich feath- 
ers hangs at her side by a ribbon or a chain of dia- 
monds and pearls. The long, brown Swedish gloves 
are an anomaly ; they do not suit the rest of this ex- 
quisite dress, but fashion decrees that they shall be 
worn, and therefore they are worn, although white 
gloves are allowed, and indeed are the favorite in 
1900. 

The fine, stately fashion of wearing feathers in the 
hair has returned, and it is becoming to middle-aged 
women. It gives them a queenly air. Young girls 
look better for the simplest head-gear; they wear their 
hair high or low as they consider becoming. 

Monstrous and inconvenient bouquets may be again 
the fashion, and a very ugly fashion it is. A lady 
does not know what to do with her two or three bou- 
quets at a musicale or a dinner, so they are laid away 
on a table. The only thing that can be done is to sit 
after dinner with them in her lap, and the prima donna 
at a musicale lays hers on the grand piano. 

More and more is it becoming the fashion to have 
music at the end of a dinner in the drawing-room, in- 
stead of having it played during dinner. Elocution- 
ists are asked in to amuse the guests, who, having been 
fed on terrapin and canvas-back ducks, are not sup- 
posed to be in a talking mood. This may be overdone. 
Many people like to talk after dinner with the people 



gentlemen's dinner dress. 261 

who are thus accidentally brought together; for in our 
large cities the company assembled about a dinner-table 
are very often fresh acquaintances who like to improve 
that opportunity to know each other better. 

We have spoken of the dress of ladies, which, if we 
were to pursue, would lead us into all the details of 
velvet, satin, and brocade, and would be a departure 
from our subject; let us therefore glance at the gen- 
tlemen at a modern, most modern, dinner. The vests 
are cut very low, and exhibit a plain shirt-front held 
by one stud, generally a cat's - eye ; however, three 
studs are permissible. White plain-pleated linen, with 
enamel studs resembling linen, is also very fashion- 
able. A few young men, sometimes called dudes — no 
one knows w r hy — wear pink coral studs or pearls, gen- 
erally black pearls. Elderly gentlemen content them- 
selves with plain-pleated shirt-fronts and white ties, 
indulging even in wearing their watches in the old 
way, as fashion has reintroduced the short vest-chain 
so long banished, but this is not modern fashion. The 
old fob of our grandfathers is sometimes seen on very 
well-dressed men. 

It is pleasant to see the gold chain for the neck re- 
appearing. It always had a pretty effect, and is now 
much worn to support the locket, cross, or medallion 
portrait which ladies wear after the Louis Quinze 
fashion. Gold is more becoming to dark complexions 
than pearls, and many ladies hail this return to gold 
necklaces with much delight. 

The ornamentation of the dinner-table is high rather 
than low, in modern fashion — high candlesticks, high 
vases, high glasses for the flowers, and tall glass com- 



262 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES, 

potiers. Salt-cellars are looking up ; and a favorite 
device is a silver vase, about two inches high, with a 
shell for salt. This is, however, an entirely individual 
fad. 

Silver and silver-gilt dishes, having been banished 
for five years, are now reasserting their pre-eminent 
fitness for the modern dinner- table. People grew 
tired of silver, and banished it to the plate - chest. 
Now all the old pieces are being burnished up and re- 
appearing; and happy the hostess who has some real 
old Queen Anne. As the silver dollar loses caste, the 
silver soup tureen, or, as the French say, the soupiere 
(and it is a good word) rises in fashion, and the tea- 
pot of our grandmothers resumes its honored place. 
All the heavy cart-wheel silver dollars should be 
melted up and put on the dinner-table in useful uten- 
sils, and then we might hear less of the silver craze 
and the " silver heresy." 



CHAPTER XXXII. 

SUMMER DINNERS. 

There is a season when the lingerers in town accept 
with pleasure an invitation to the neighboring country- 
house, where the lucky suburban cit likes to entertain 
his friends. It is to be doubted, however, whether 
hospitality is an unmixed pleasure to those who ex- 
tend it. With each blessing of prosperity comes an 
attendant evil, and a lady who has a country house 
has always to face the fact that her servants are apt 
to decamp in a body on Saturday night, and leave her 
to take care of her guests as best she may. The nearer 
to town the greater the necessity for running a ser- 
vant's omnibus, which shall take the departing offend- 
er to the train, and speed the arrival of her successor. 

No lady should attempt to entertain in the country 
who has not a good cook and a very competent waiter 
or waitress. The latter, if well trained, is in every 
respect as good as a man, and in some respects more 
desirable; women - servants are usually quiet, neater 
than men-servants, as a rule, and require less waiting 
upon. Both men and women should be required to 
wear shoes that do not creak, and to be immaculately 
neat in their attire. Maid - servants should always 
wear caps and white aprons, and men dress -coats, 
white cravats, and perfectly fresh linen. 

As the dinners of the opulent, who have butler, 



264 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES. 

waiters, French cook, etc., are quite able to take care 
of themselves, we prefer to answer the inquiries of 
those of our correspondents who live in a simple 
manner, with two or three servants, and who wish to 
entertain with hospitality and without great expense. 

The dining-room of many country houses is small, 
and not cheerfully furnished. The houses built re- 
cently are improved in this respect, however, and now 
we will imagine a large room that has a pretty outlook 
on the Hudson, carpeted with fragrant matting, or 
with a hard-wood floor, on which lie India rugs. The 
table should be oval, as that shape brings guests near 
to each other. The table - cloth should be of white 
damask, and as fresh as sweet clover, for dinner : col- 
ored cloths are permissible only for breakfast and tea. 
The chairs should be easy, with high, not slanting 
backs. For summer, cane chairs are much the most 
comfortable, although those covered with leather are 
very nice. Some people prefer arm-chairs at dinner, 
but the arms are inconvenient to many, and, besides, 
take a great deal of room. The armless dinner-chairs 
are the best, except for the lame and the lazy. 

Now, as a dinner in the country generally occurs 
after the gentlemen come from town, the matter of 
light has to be considered. Few country houses have 
gas. Even if they have, it would be very hot, and at- 
tract mosquitoes. If our late brilliant sunsets do not 
supply enough, how shall we light our summer din- 
ners? The cool, delightful electric light answers this 
query in 1900. 

Candles are very pretty, but exceedingly trouble- 
some. The wind blows the flame to and fro ; the 
insects flutter into the light; an unhappy moth seats 



COUNTRY DINNERS. 265 

himself on the wick, and burning into an unsightly 
cadaver makes a gutter down one side ; the little 
red -paper shades take fire, and there is a general 
conflagration. Yet light is positively necessary to 
digestion, and no party can be cheerful without it. 
Therefore, try carcel or moderator lamps with pretty 
transparent shades, or a hanging lamp with ground- 
glass shade. These lamps, filled with kerosene — and 
it must be done neatly, so that it will not smell — are 
the best lamps for the country dinner. If possible, 
however, have a country dinner by the light of day ; 
it is much more cheerful. 

Now for the ornamentation of the dinner. Let it 
be of flowers — wild ones, if possible, grasses, clovers, 
buttercups, and a few fragrant roses or garden flow- 
ers. There is no end to the cheap decorative china 
articles that are sold now for the use of flowers. A 
contemporary mentions orchids placed in baskets on 
the shoulders of Arcadian peasants ; lilies-of-the-val- 
ley, with leaves as pale as their flowers, wheeled in 
barrows by Cupids or set in china slippers; crocuses 
grown in a china pot shaped like a thumbed copy of 
Victor Hugo's "Notre Dame de Paris;" or white tulips 
in a cluster of three gilt sabots, large enough to form 
a capital flower-stand, mounted on gilt, rustic branch- 
es. Stout pitchers, glass bowls, china bowls, and even 
old teapots, make pretty bouquet-holders. The Greek 
vase, the classic - shaped, old-fashioned champagne 
glass, are, however, unrivalled for the light grasses, 
field daisies, and fresh garden flowers. 

Pretty, modern English china, the cheap " old blue," 
the white and gold, or the French, with a colored bor- 



266 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES. 

der, are all good enough for a country dinner; for if 
people have two houses, they do not like to take their 
fragile, expensive china to the country. Prettily- 
shaped tureens and vegetable dishes add very much 
to the comfort and happiness of the diners, and fort- 
unately they are cheap and easily obtained. Glass 
should always be thin and fine, and tea and coffee 
cups delicate to the lip : avoid the thick crockery of 
a hotel. 

For a country dinner the table should be set near a 
window, or windows, if possible ; in fine weather, in 
the hall or on the wide veranda. If the veranda is 
open, or has long windows, the servant can pass in and 
out easily. There should be a side-board and a side- 
table, relays of knives, forks and spoons, dishes and 
glasses not in use, and a table from which the ser- 
vant can help the soup and carve the joint, as on a 
hot day no one wishes to see these two dishes on 
the table. A maid-servant should be taught by her 
mistress how to carve, in order to save time and 
trouble. Soup for a country dinner should be clear 
bouillon, with macaroni and cheese, crime d'asperge, 
or Julienne, which has in it all the vegetables of the 
season. Heavy mock-turtle, bean soup, or ox-tail are 
not in order for a country dinner. If the lady of the 
house have a talent for cookery, she should have her 
soups made the day before, all the grease removed 
when the stock is cold, and season them herself. 

A recent novelty is a tenderloin of beef, with a ring 
about it of stewed cherries, interspersed with parsley 
or water-cress leaves. This is very pretty, arranged 
in a long dish. 



THE MENU OF A COUNTRY DINNER. 267 

It is better in a country house to have some cold 
dish that will serve as a resource if the cook should 
leave. Melton veal, which can be prepared on Mon- 
day and which will last until Saturday, is an excel- 
lent stand-by ; and a cold boiled or roast ham should 
always be on the side-board. A hungry man can 
make a comfortable dinner of cold ham and a baked 
potato. 

Every country householder should try to have a 
vegetable garden, for pease, beans, young turnips, and 
salads fresh gathered are very superior to those which 
even the best grocer furnishes. And of all the lux- 
uries of a country dinner the fresh vegetables are the 
greatest. Especially does the tired citizen, fed on 
the esculents of the corner grocery, delight in the 
green pease, the crisp lettuce, the undefiled straw- 
berries. One old epicure of New York asks of his 
country friends only a piece of boiled salt pork with 
vegetables, a potato salad, some cheese, five large 
strawberries, and a cup of coffee. The large family 
of salads help to make the country dinner delightful. 
Given a clear beef soup, a slice of fresh-boiled salmon, 
a bit of spring lamb with mint sauce, some green pease 
and fresh potatoes, a salad of lettuce, or sliced toma- 
toes, or potatoes with a bit of onion, and you have a 
dinner fit for a Brillat-Savarin ; or vary it with a pair 
of boiled chickens, and a jardiniere made of all the 
pease, beans, potatoes, cauliflower, fresh beets, of the 
day before, simply treated to a bath of vinegar and oil 
and pepper and salt. The lady who has conquered 
the salad question may laugh at the caprices of cooks, 
and defy the hour at which the train leaves. 



268 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES. 

What so good as an egg salad for a hungry com- 
pany? Boil the eggs hard and slice them, cover with 
a mayonnaise dressing, and put a few lettuce leaves 
about the plate, and you have a sustaining meal. 

Many families have cold meats and warm vegetables 
for their midday dinner during the summer. This is 
not healthy. Let all the dinner be cold if the meats 
are; and a dinner of cold roast beef, of salad, and 
cold asparagus, dressed with pepper, oil, and vinegar, 
is not a bad meal. 

It is better for almost everybody, however, to eat a 
hot dinner, even in hot weather, as the digestion is 
aided by the friendly power of the caloric. Indeed 
dyspepsia, almost universal with Americans, is attrib- 
uted to the habit which prevails in this country above 
all others of drinking ice-water. 

Carafes of ice-water, a silver dish for ice, and a pair 
of ice-tongs, should be put on the table for a summer 
dinner. For desserts there is an almost endless suc- 
cession, and with cream in her dairy, and a patent ice- 
cream freezer in her cuisine, the house-keeper need 
not lack delicate and delicious dishes of berries and 
fruits. No hot puddings should be served, or heavy 
pies ; but the fruit tart is an excellent sweet, and 
should be made d ravir; the pastry should melt in 
the mouth, and the fruit be stewed with a great deal 
of sugar. Cream should be put on the table in large 
glass pitchers, for it is a great luxury of the country 
and of the summer season. 

The cold custards, Charlotte - Russe, and creams 
stiffened with gelatine and delicately flavored, are 
very nice for a summer dinner. So is home-made 



STEWED FKUIT AS A DESSERT. 269 

cake, when well made ; this, indeed, is always its 
only " excuse for being." 

Stewed fruit is a favorite dessert in England, and 
the gooseberry, which here is but little used, is much 
liked there. Americans prefer to eat fruit fresh, and 
therefore have not learned to stew it. Stewing is, 
however, a branch of cookery well worth the atten- 
tion of a first-class house -keeper. It makes even 
the canned abominations better, and the California 
canned apricot stewed with sugar is one of the most 
delightful of sweets, and very wholesome ; canned 
peaches stewed with sugar lose the taste of tin, which 
sets the teeth on edge, and stewed currants are de- 
licious. 

Every house-keeper should learn to cook macaroni 
well. It is worth while to spend an hour at Mar- 
tinelli's to learn how to make it, for this Italian staple 
is economical and extremely palatable if properly 
prepared. Rice, too, should have a place in a summer 
bill of fare, as an occasional substitute for potatoes, 
which some people cannot eat. 

For summer dinners there should never be any- 
thing on the table when the guests sit down but the 
flowers and the dessert, the ice -pitchers or carafes, 
and bowls of ice, the glass, china, and silver : the 
last three should all be simple, and not profuse. 

Many families now, fearing burglars, use only 
plated spoons, knives, forks, and dishes at their coun- 
try houses. Modern plate is so very good that there 
is less objection to this than formerly ; but the gen- 
uine house -keeper loves the real silver spoons and 
forks, and prefers to use them. 



270 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES. 

The ostentatious display of silver, however, is bad 
taste at a country dinner. Glass dishes are much 
more elegant and appropriate, and quite expensive 
enough to bear the title of luxuries. 

Avoid all greasy and heavy dishes in summer. Good 
roast beef, mutton, lamb, veal, chickens, and fresh fish 
are always in order, for the system craves the support 
of these solids in summer as well as in winter ; but do 
not offer pork, unless in the most delicate form, and 
then in small quantities. Fried salt pork, if not too 
fat, is always a pleasant addition to the broiled bird. 

Broiled fish, broiled chicken, broiled ham, broiled 
steaks and chops, are always satisfactory. The grid- 
iron made St. Lawrence fit for Heaven, and its qual- 
ities have been elevating and refining ever since. 
Nothing can be less healthy or less agreeable to the 
taste at a summer dinner than fried food. The fry- 
ing-pan should have been thrown into the fire long 
ago, and burned up. 

The house-keeper living near the sea has an ample 
store to choose from in the toothsome crab, clam, lob- 
ster, and other Crustacea. The fresh fish, the roast 
clams, etc., take the place of the devilled kidneys and 
broiled bones of the winter. But every housewife 
should study the 'markets of her neighborhood. In 
many rural districts the butchers give away, or throw 
to the dogs, sweetbreads and other morsels which are 
the very essence of luxury. Calf's head is rejected by 
the rural buyer, and a Frenchman who had the physi- 
ologie du goiXt at his finger-ends, declared that in a 
country place, not five miles from New York, he gave 
luxurious dinners on what the butcher threw away. 



CHAPTER XXXIII. 

LUNCHEONS, INFORMAL AND SOCIAL. 

The informal lunch is perhaps less understood in 
this country than in any other, because it is rarely 
necessary. In the country it is called early dinner, 
children's dinner, or ladies' dinner ; in the city, when 
the gentlemen are all down town, then blossoms out 
the elaborate ladies' lunch.* 

But in England, at a country house, and indeed in 
London, luncheon is a recognized and very delightful 
meal, at which the most distinguished men and wom- 
en meet over a joint and a cherry tart, and talk and 
laugh for an hour without the restraint of the late 
and formal dinner. 

It occupies a prominent place in the history of 
hospitality, and Lord Houghton, among others, was 
famous for his unceremonious lunches. As it is un- 
derstood to be an informal meal, the invitations are 
generally sent only a short time before the day for 
which the recipient is invited, and are written in the 
first person. Lord Houghton's were apt to be simply, 
" Come and lunch with me to-morrow." At our prom- 
inent places of summer resort, ladies who have houses 
of their own generally give their male friends a carte 
blanche invitation to luncheon. They are expected 
to avail themselves of it without ceremony, and at 

*~ Which has ail the formality of a dinner. 



272 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES. 

Newport the table is always laid with the "extra 
knife and fork," or two or three, as may be thought 
necessary. Ladies, however, should be definitely asked 
to this meal as to others. 

It is a very convenient meal, as it permits of an 
irregular number, of a superfluity of ladies or gentle- 
men ; it is chatty and easy, and is neither troublesome 
nor expensive. 

The hour of luncheon is stated, but severe punct- 
uality is not insisted upon. A guest who is told that 
he may drop in at half-past one o'clock every day will 
be forgiven if he comes as late as two. 

Ladies may come in in their hats or bonnets ; gen- 
tlemen in lawn-tennis suits, if they wish. It is in- 
cumbent upon the hostess but not upon the host 
to be present. It is quite immaterial where the 
guests sit, and they go in separately, not arm -in- 
arm. 

Either white or colored table-cloths are equally 
proper, and some people use the bare mahogany, but 
this is unusual. 

The most convenient and easy-going luncheons are 
served from the buffet or side-table, and the guests 
help themselves to cold ham, tongue, roast beef, etc. 
The fruit and wine and bread should stand on the 
table. 

Each chair has in front of it two plates, a napkin 
with bread, two knives, two forks and spoons, a small 
salt-cellar, and three glasses — a tumbler for water, a 
claret glass, and a sherry glass. 

Cold bouillon is offered in summer, but not often. 
If served well, it should be in cups. Dishes of 



AN ENGLISH LUNCHEON. 273 

dressed salad, a cold fowl, game, or hot chops, can 
be put before the hostess or passed by the servant. 
Soup and fish are never offered at these luncheons. 
Some people prefer a hot lunch, and chops, birds on 
toast, or a beefsteak, with mashed potatoes, asparagus, 
or green pease, are suitable dishes. 

It is proper at a country place to offer a full lunch- 
eon, or to have a cold joint on the sideboard ; and 
after the more serious part of the luncheon has been 
removed, the hostess can dismiss the servants, and 
serve the ice-cream or tart herself, with the assistance 
of her guests. Clean plates, knives, and forks should 
be in readiness. 

In England a "hot joint" is always served from 
the sideboard. In fact, an English luncheon is ex- 
actly what a plain American dinner was formerly — a 
roast of mutton or beef, a few vegetables, a tart, some 
fruit, and a glass of sherry. But we have changed 
the practice considerably, and now our luxurious coun- 
try offers nothing plain. 

In this country one waiter generally remains dur- 
ing the whole meal, and serves the table as he would 
at dinner — only with less ceremony. It is perfectly 
proper at luncheon for any one to rise and help him- 
self to what he wishes. 

Tea and coffee are never served after luncheon 
in the drawing-room or dining-room. People are 
not expected to remain long after luncheon, as the 
lady of the house may have engagements for the 
afternoon. 

In many houses the butler arranges the luncheon- 
table with flowers or fruit, plates of thin bread-and 



274 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES. 

butter, jellies, creams, cakes, and preserves, a dish of 
cold salmon mayonnaise, and decanters of sherry and 
claret. He places a cold ham or chicken on the side- 
board, and a pitcher of ice-water on a side-table, and 
then leaves the dining-room, and takes no heed of the 
baser wants of humanity until dinner-time. An under- 
man or footman takes the place of this lofty being, 
and waits at table. 

In more modest houses, where there is only a maid- 
servant or one man, all arrangements for the lunch- 
eon and for expected guests should be made immedi- 
ately after breakfast. 

If the children dine with the family at luncheon, 
it, of course, becomes an important meal, and should 
include one hot dish and a simple dessert. 

It is well for people living in the country, and with 
a certain degree of style, to study up the methods of 
making salads and cold dishes, for these come in so 
admirably for luncheon that they often save a hostess 
great mortification. By attention to small details a 
very humble repast may be most elegant. A silver 
bread-basket for the thin slices of bread, a pretty 
cheese-dish, a napkin around the cheese, pats of but- 
ter in a pretty dish, flowers in vases, fruits neatly 
served — these things cost little, but they add a zest 
to the pleasures of the table. 

If a hot luncheon is served, it is not etiquette to put 
the vegetables on the table as at dinner ; they should 
be handed by the waiter. The luncheon-table is al- 
ready full of the articles for dessert, and there is no 
place for the vegetables. The hot entrees or cold en- 
trees are placed before the master or mistress, and 



LUNCHEON SERVICE. 275 

each guest is asked what he prefers. The whole 
aspect of luncheon is thus made perfectly informal. 

If a lady gives a more formal lunch, and has it 
served d la Husse, the first entree — let us say chops 
and green pease — is handed by the waiter, commen- 
cing with the lady who sits on the right hand of the 
master of the house. This is followed by vegetables. 
Plates having been renewed, a salad and some cold 
ham can be offered. The waiter fills the glasses with 
sherry, or offers claret. When champagne is served 
at lunch, it is immediately after the first dish has 
been served, and claret and sherry are not then given 
unless asked for. 

After the salad a fresh plate, with a dessert-sj>oon 
and small fork upon it, is placed before each person. 
The ice-cream, pie, or pudding is then placed in front 
of the hostess, who cuts it, and puts a portion on 
each plate. After these dainties have been dis- 
cussed, a glass plate, serviette, and finger-bowl are 
placed before each guest for fruit. The servant takes 
the plate from his mistress after she has filled it, and 
hands it to the lady of first consideration, and so on. 
When only members of the family are present at 
luncheon, the mistress of the house is helped first by 
the servants. 

Fruit tarts, pudding, sweet omelette, jellies, blanc- 
mange, and ice-cream are proper desserts for luncheon; 
also luncheon cake, or the plainer sorts of loaf-cake. 

It is well in all households, if possible, for the chil- 
dren to breakfast and lunch with their parents. The 
teaching of table manners cannot be begun too soon. 
But children should never be allowed to trouble 



276 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES. 

guests. If not old enough to behave well at table, 
guests should not be invited to the meals at which 
they are present. It is very trying to parents, guests, 
and servants. 

When luncheon is to be an agreeable social repast, 
which guests are expected to share, then the children 
should dine elsewhere. No mother succeeds better in 
the rearing of her children than she who has a nursery 
dining-room, where, under her own eye, her bantlings 
are properly fed. It is not so much trouble, either, as 
one would think — and no matter if it is trouble. 

Table mats are no longer used in stylish houses, 
either at luncheon or at dinner. The waiter should 
have a coarse towel in the butler's pantry, and wipe 
each dish before he puts it on the table. 

Menu-cards are never used at luncheon. Salt-cel- 
lars and small water carafes may be placed up and 
down the luncheon-table. 

In our country, where servants run away and leave 
their mistress when she is expecting guests, it is well to 
be able to improvise a dish from such materials as may 
be at hand. Nothing is better than a cod mayonnaise. 
A cod boiled in the morning is a friend in the after- 
noon. When it is cold remove the skin and bones. 
For sauce put some thick cream in a porcelain sauce- 
pan, and thicken it with corn-flour which has been 
mixed with cold water. When it begins to boil, stir 
in the beaten yolks of two eggs. As it cools, beat it 
well to prevent it from becoming lumpy, and when 
nearly cold, stir in the juice of two lemons, a little 
tarragon vinegar, a pinch of salt, and a souppon of 

Cayenne pepper. Peel and slice some very ripe toma* 
20 



PALATABLE COLD DISHES. 277 

toes or cold potatoes; steep them in vinegar, with Cay- 
enne, powdered ginger, and plenty of salt; lay these 
around the fish, and cover with the cream sauce. 
This makes a very elegant cold dish for luncheon. 
The tomatoes or potatoes should be taken out of the 
vinegar and carefully drained before they are placed 
around the fish. 

Some giblets carefully saved from the ducks, geese, 
or chickens of yesterday's dinner should be stewed in 
good beef stock, and then set away to cool. Put them 
in a stew T pan with dried split pease, and boil them 
until they are reduced to pulp; serve this mixture 
hot on toast, and, if properly flavored with salt and 
pepper, you have a good luncheon dish. 

Vegetable salads of beet-root, potatoes, and lettuce 
are always delicious, and the careful housewife who 
rises early in the morning and provides a round of 
cold corned beef, plenty of bread, and a luncheon cake, 
need not regret the ephemeral cook, or fear the coming 
city guest. 

Every country housewife should learn to garnish 
dishes with capers, a border of water - cresses, plain 
parsley, or vegetables cut into fancy forms. 

Potatoes, eggs, and cold hashed meats, in their un- 
adorned simplicity, do not come under the head of 
luxuries. But if the hashed meat is carefully warmed 
and well flavored, and put on toast, if the potatoes are 
chopped and browned and put around the meat, if the 
eggs are boiled, sliced, and laid around as a garnish, 
and a few capers and a border of parsley added, you 
have a Delmonico ragout that Brillat-Savarin would 
have enjoyed. 



CHAPTER XXXIV. 

SUPPER-PARTIES. 

After a long retirement into the shades, the sup* 
per-party, the " sit-down supper," once so dear to ouf 
ancestors, has been again revived. Leaders of soci- 
ety at Newport have found that, after the hearty 
lunch which everybody eats there at one or three 
o'clock the twelve or fourteen course dinner at seven 
o'clock, is too much ; that people come home reluc- 
tantly from their ocean drive to dress ; and last sum- 
mer, in consequence, invitations were issued for sup- 
pers at nine or half -past nine. The suppers at pri- 
vate houses, which had previously fallen out of fash- 
ion by reason of the convenience and popularity 
of the great restaurants, were resumed. The very 
late dinners in large cities have, no doubt, also pre- 
vented the supper from being a favorite entertain- 
ment ; but there is no reason ( except the disap- 
proval of doctors) why suppers should not be in 
fashion in the country, or where people dine early. 
In England, where digestions are better than here, 
and where people eat more heavily, " the supper-tray " 
is an institution, and suppers are generally spread in 
every English country house; and we may acknowl- 
edge the fact that the supper — the little supper so 
dear to the hearts of our friends of the last century— 




FOR A CHAFING DISH SUPPER 



THE SERVICE FOR SUPPER-PARTIES. 279 

seems to be coming again into fashion here. Nothing 
can be more significant than that Harper's Bazar re- 
ceives many letters asking for directions for setting 
the table for supper, and for the proper service of 
the meats which are to gayly cover the cloth and 
enrich this always pleasant repast. 

In a general way the same service is proper at a 
supper as at a dinner, with the single exception of the 
soup-plates. Oysters on the half-shell and bouillon 
served in cups are the first two courses. If a hot sup- 
per is served, the usual dishes are sweetbreads, with 
green pease, cotelettes d la financiered and some sort 
of game in season, such as reed-birds in autumn, can- 
vas-back ducks, venison, or woodcock; salads of every 
kind are in order, and are often served with the game. 
Then ices and fruit follow. Cheese is rarely offered, 
although some gourmets insist that a little is neces- 
sary with the salad. 

After each course all the dishes and knives and 
forks that have been in use are replaced by fresh 
ones, and the order and neatness of the table pre- 
served to the end of the supper. We would think it 
unnecessary to mention this most obvious detail of 
table decorum, had not several correspondents asked 
to be informed concerning it. 

There is, of course, the informal supper, at which 
the dishes are all placed on a table together, as for a r 
supper at a large ball. Meats, dressed salmon, chicken 
croquettes, salads, jellies, and ices are a part of the 
alarming melange of which a guest is expected to 
partake, with only such discrimination as may be 
dictated by prudence or inclination. But this is not 



280 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES. 

the "sit down," elegant supper so worthy to be re- 
vived, with its courses and its etiquette and its brill- 
iant conversation, which was the delight of our grand- 
mothers. 

A large centre-piece of flowers, with fruit and can- 
dies in glass compotiers, and high forms of nougat, 
and other sugar devices, are suitable standards for 
an elegant supper-table. Three sorts of wine may be 
placed on the table in handsome decanters — sherry, or 
Madeira, and Burgundy. The guests find oysters on 
the half -shell, with little fish forks, all ready for them ; 
and a recent fashion is to serve oysters dressed with 
catsup in a glass, by which they look alarmingly like 
claret punch. The napkin and bread are laid at the side 
or in front of each plate. These plates being removed, 
other plain plates are put in their place, and cups of 
bouillon are served, with gold teaspoons. This course 
passed, other plates are put before the guest, and some 
chicken croquettes or lobster farci is passed. Sherry or 
Madeira should already have been served with the 
oysters. With the third course iced champagne is 
offered. Then follow game, or fried oysters, salads, 
and a slice of pate de foie gras, with perhaps tomato 
salad; and subsequently ices, jellies, fruit, and coffee, 
and for the gentlemen a glass of brandy or cordial. 
Each course is taken away before the next is pre- 
sented. Birds and salad are served together. 

There is a much simpler supper possible, which is 
often offered by a hospitable hostess after the opera 
or theatre. It consists of a few oysters, a pair of cold 
roast chickens, a dish of lobster or plain salad, with 
perhaps a glass of champagne, and one sort of ice- 



AN ENGLISH SUPPER. 281 

cream, and involves very little trouble or expense, and 
can be safely said to give as much pleasure as the more 
sumptuous feast. This informal refreshment is often 
placed on a red table-cloth, with a dish of oranges and 
apples in the centre of the table, and one servant is 
sufficient. There should be, however, the same eti- 
quette as to the changing of plates, knives, and forks, 
etc., as in the more elaborate meal. 

The good house-keeper w r ho gives a supper every 
evening to her hungry family may learn many an 
appetizing device by reading English books of cook- 
ery on this subject. A hashed dish of the meat left 
from dinner, garnished with parsley, a potato salad, 
a few slices of cold corned beef or ham, some pickled 
tongues, bread, butter, and cheese, with ale or cider, 
is the supper offered at nearly every English house in 
the country. 

The silver and glass, the china and the fruit, should 
be as carefully attended to as for a dinner, and every- 
thing as neat and as elegant as possible, even at an 
informal supper. 

Oysters, that universal food of the American, are in- 
valuable for a supper. Fried oysters diffuse a dis- 
agreeable odor through the house, therefore they are 
not as convenient in a private dwelling as scalloped 
oysters, which can be prepared in the afternoon, and 
which send forth no odor when cooking. Broiled 
oysters are very delicate, and are a favorite dish at an 
informal supper. Broiled birds and broiled bones are 
great delicacies, but they must be prepared by a very 
good cook. Chicken in various forms — hashed, fried, 
cold, or in salad — is useful ; veal may be utilized for 



282 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES. 

all these things, if chicken is not forthcoming. The 
delicately treated chicken livers also make a very- 
good dish, and mushrooms on toast are perfect in 
their season. Hot vegetables are never served, ex- 
cept green pease with some other dish. 

Beef, except in the form of a fillet, is never seen 
at a "sit-down" supper, and even a fillet is rather too 
heavy. Lobster in every form is a favorite supper 
delicacy, and the grouse, snipe, woodcock, teal, canvas- 
back, and squab on toast, are always in order. 

In these days of Italian warehouses and imported 
delicacies, the pressed and jellied meats, pates, sau- 
sages, and spiced tongues furnish a variety for a cold 
supper. No supper is perfect without a salad. 

The Romans made much of this meal, and among 
their delicacies were the ass, the dog, and the snail, 
sea-hedgehogs, oysters, asparagus, venison, wild boar, 
sea-nettles, fish, fowl, game, and cakes. The Germans 
to-day eat wild boar, head-cheese, pickles, goose's flesh 
dried, sausages, cheese, and salads for supper, and 
wash down with beer. The French, under Louis XIV., 
began to make the supper their most finished meal. 
They used gold and silver dishes, crystal cups and 
goblets, exquisite grapes crowned the epergne, and 
choicest fruits were served in golden dishes. The 
cooks sent up piquant sauces for the delicately cooked 
meats, the wines were drunk hot and spiced. The 
latter are taken iced now. Many old house-keepers, 
however, serve a rich, hot -mulled port for a winter 
supper. It is a delicious and not unhealthy beverage, 
and can be easily prepared. 

The doctors, as we have said, condemn a late sup- 



-THE SUPPER MERELY A LUXURY. 283 

per, but the pros and cons of this subject admit of 
discussion. Every one, indeed, must decide for him- 
self. Few people can undergo excitement of an even- 
ing — an opera or play or concert, or even the pleasant 
conversation of an evening party — without feeling 
hungry. With many, if such an appetite is not ap- 
peased it will cause sleeplessness. To eat lightly and 
to drink lightly at supper is a natural instinct with 
people if they expect to go to bed at once ; but ex- 
citement is a great aid to digestion, and a heavy sup- 
per sometimes gives no inconvenience. 

Keats seems to have had a vision of a modern sup- 
per-table when he wrote : 

"soft he set 
A table, and . . . threw thereon 
A cloth of woven crimson, gold, and jet ; 

. . . from forth the closet brought a heap 
Of candied apple, quince, and plum, and gourd, 
With jellies soother than the creamy curd, 
And lucent syrops, tinct with cinnamon, 
Manna and dates: . . . spiced dainties every one." 

The supper being a meal purely of luxury should 
be very dainty. Everything should be tasteful and 
appetizing ; the wines should be excellent, the claret 
not too cool, the champagne frappe, or almost so, the 
Madeira and the port the temperature of the room, 
and the sherry cool. If punch is served, it should be 
at the end of the supper. At small, unpretentious 
suppers, as at card-parties, supper is often served at 
small tables, exactly as it would be at one large one. 
Each table having its own decorations, but this re- 
quires very large rooms, and is much trouble. 



284 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES. ' 

Many indulgent hostesses now allow young gentle- 
men to smoke a cigarette at the supper-table, after 
the eating and drinking is at an end, rather than 
break up the delicious flow of conversation which at 
the close of a supper seems to be at its best. This, 
however, should not be done unless every lady at the 
table acquiesces, as the smell of tobacco-smoke some- 
times gives women an unpleasant sensation. 

Suppers at balls and parties include now" all sorts 
of cold and hot dishes, even a haunch of venison, and 
a fillet of beef, with truffles ; a cold salmon dressed 
with a green sauce; oysters in every form except 
raw — they are not served at balls; salads of every 
description ; boned and truffled turkey and chicken ; 
pates of game ; cold partridges and grouse ; pate de 
foie gras; our American specialty, hot canvas-back 
duck ; and the Baltimore turtle, terrapin, oyster and 
game patties ; bonbons, ices, biscuits, creams, jellies, 
and fruits, with champagne, and sometimes, of later 
years, claret and Moselle cup, and champagne-cup — 
beverages which were not until lately known in Amer- 
ica, except at gentlemen's clubs and on board yachts, 
but which are very agreeable mixtures, and gaining 
in favor. Every lady should know how to mix cup, 
as it is convenient both for supper and lawn-tennis 
parties, and is preferable in its effects to the heavier 
article so common at parties — punch. 



CHAPTER XXXV. 

SIMPLE DINNERS. 

To achieve a perfect little dinner with small means 
at command is said to be a great intellectual feat. 
Dinner means so much — a French cook, several ac- 
complished servants, a very well-stocked china closet, 
plate chest, and linen chest, and flowers, wines, bon- 
bons, and so on. But we have known many simple 
little dinners given by young couples with small means 
which were far more enjoyable than the gold and sil- 
ver " diamond " dinners. 

Given, first, a knowledge of how to do it ; a good 
cook (not a cordon bleu); a neat maid-servant in cap 
and apron — if the lady can carve (which all ladies 
should know how to do) ; if the gentleman has a good 
bottle of claret, and another of champagne — or neither, 
if he disapproves of them; if the house is neatly and 
quietly furnished, if the welcome is cordial, and there 
is no noise, no fussy pretence — these little dinners are 
very enjoyable, and every one is anxious to be invited 
to them. 

But people are frightened off from simple entertain- 
ments by the splendor of the great luxurious dinners 
given by the very rich. It is a foolish fear. The lady 
who wishes to give a simple but good dinner has first 
to consult what is seasonable. She must offer the din- 



286 



MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES. 



ner of the season, not seek for those strawberries in 
February which are always sour, nor peaches in June, 
nor pease at Christmas. Forced fruit is never good. 

For an autumnal small dinner here is a very good 
menu : 



Sherry. 



Or, 



Oysters on the half-shell. 
Soupe a la Reine. 
Blue-fish, broiled. 
Filet de Bceuf aux Champi- 
gnons. 



Chablis, 

Hock, 

Champagne. 



Roast Beef or Mutton, 

Roast Partridges. 

Salad of Tomatoes. 

Cheese. 



Claret, 

Burgundy, 

or 

Sherry. 



Ices, Jellies, Fruit, Coffee, Liqueurs. 

Of course, in these days, claret and champagne are 
considered quite enough for a small dinner, and one 
need not offer the other wines. Or, as Mrs. Hender- 
son says in her admirable cook-book, a very good din- 
ner maybe given with claret alone. A table claret to 
add to the water is almost the only wine drunk in 
France or Italy at an every-day dinner. Of course no 
wine at all is expected at the tables of those whose 
principles forbid alcoholic beverages, and who never- 
theless give excellent dinners without them. 

A perfectly fresh white damask table-cloth, napkins 
of equally delicate fabric, spotless glass and silver, 
pretty china, perhaps one high glass dish crowned 
with fruit and flowers — sometimes only the fruit — 
chairs that are comfortable, a room not too warm, the 
dessert served in good taste, but not overloaded — this 
is all one needs. The essentials of a good dinner are 
but few. 



THE SIMPLE DINNERS. 287 

The informal dinner invitations should be written by 
the lady herself in the first person. She may send for 
her friends only a few days before she wants them to 
come. She should be ready five minutes before her 
guests arrive, and in the parlor, serene and cool, "mis- 
tress of herself, though china fall." She should see 
herself that the dinner-table is properly laid, the cham- 
pagne and sherry thoroughly cooled, the places marked 
out, and, above all, the guests properly seated. 

" Ay, there's the rub." To invite the proper people 
to meet each other, to seat them so that they can have 
an agreeable conversation, that is the trying and cm* 
cial test. Little dinners are social; little dinners are 
informal; little dinners make people friends. And we 
do not mean little in regard to numbers or to the 
amount of good food; we mean simple dinners. 

All the good management of a young hostess or an 
old one cannot prevent accident, however. The cook 
may get drunk; the waiter may fall and break a dozen 
of the best plates; the husband may be kept down 
town late, and be dressing in the very room where 
the ladies are to take off their cloaks (American houses 
are frightfully inconvenient in this respect). All that 
the hostess can do is to preserve an invincible calm, 
and try not to care — at least not to show that she 
cares. But after a few attempts the giving of a sim- 
ple dinner becomes very easy, and it is the best com- 
pliment to a stranger. A gentleman travelling to see 
the customs of a country is much more pleased to be 
asked to a modest repast where he meets his hostess 
and her family than to a state dinner where he is tick- 
eted off and made merely one at a banquet. 



288 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES. 

Then the limitations of a dinner can be considered. 
It is not kind to keep guests more than an hour, or 
two hours at the most, at table. French dinners rarely 
exceed an hour. English dinners are too long and too 
heavy, although the conversation is apt to be brilliant. 
At a simple dinner one can make it short. 

It is better to serve coffee in the drawing-room, al- 
though if the host and hostess are agreed on this point, 
and the ladies can stand smoke, it is served at table, 
and the gentlemen light their cigarettes. In some 
houses smoking is forbidden in the dining-room. 

The practice of the ladies retiring first is an English 
one, and the French consider it barbarous. Whether 
we are growing more French or not, we seem to be 
beginning to do away with the separation after dinner. 

It is the custom at informal dinners for the lady to 
help the soup and for the gentleman to carve; there- 
fore the important dishes are put on the table. But 
the servants who wait should be taught to have side- 
tables and sideboards so weU placed that anything 
can be removed immediately after it is finished. A 
screen is a very useful adjunct in a dining-room. 

Inefficient servants have a disagreeable habit of run- 
ning in and out of the dining-room in search of some- 
thing that should have been in readiness; therefore 
the lady of the house had better see beforehand that 
French rolls are placed under every napkin, and a 
silver basket full of them ready in reserve. Also large 
slices of fresh soft bread should be on the side table, 
as every one does not like hard bread, and should be 
offered a choice. 

The powdered sugar, the butter, the caster, the 




AN AFTERNOON RECEPTION AND "TEA" 



BEFORE THE DESSERT. 289 

olives, the relishes, should all be thought of and placed 
where each can be readily found. Servants should be 
taught to be noiseless, and to avoid a hurried manner. 
In placing anything on or taking anything off a table 
a servant should never reach across a person seated at 
table for that purpose. However hurried the servant 
may be, or however near at hand the article, she 
should be taught to walk quietly to the left hand of 
each guest to remove things, while she should pass 
everything in the same manner, giving the guest the 
option of using his right hand with which to help him- 
self. Servants should have a silver or plated knife- 
tray to remove the gravy-spoon and carving knife and 
fork before removing the platter. All the silver should 
be thus removed; it makes a table much neater. Ser- 
vants should be taught to put a plate and spoon and 
fork at every place before each course. 

After the meats and before the pie, pudding, or ices, 
the table should be carefully cleared of everything but 
fruit and flowers — all plates, glasses, carafes, salt- 
cellars, knives and forks, and whatever pertains to the 
dinner should be removed, and the table-cloth well 
cleared with brush or crumb-scraper on a silver waiter, 
and then the plates, glasses, spoons, and forks laid at 
each plate for the dessert. If this is done every day, 
it adds to a common dinner, and trains the waitress to 
her work. 

The dinner, the dishes, and the plates should all be 
hot. The ordinary plate-warmer is now superseded 
by something far better, in which a hot brick is intro- 
duced. The most recherche dinner is spoiled if hot 
mutton is put on a cold plate. The silver dishes 



290 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES. 

should be heated by hot water in the kitchen, the hot 
dinner plates must be forthcoming from the plate- 
warmer, nor must the roasts or entrees be allowed to 
cool on their way from the kitchen to the dining-room. 
A servant should have a thumb napkin with which to 
hand the hot dishes, and a clean towel behind the 
screen with which to wipe the platters which have 
been sent up on the dumb-waiter. On these trifles 
depend the excellence of the simple dinner. 



CHAPTER XXXVI. 

THE SMALL-TALK OF SOCIETY. 

One of the cleverest questions asked lately is," What 
shall I talk about at a dinner-party ?" Now if there 
is a woman in the world who does not know what to 
talk about, is it not a very difficult thing to tell her ? 
One can almost as well answer such a question as, 
" What shall I see out of my eyes ?" 

Yet our young lady is not the first person who has 
dilated of late years upon the "decay of conversa- 
tion," nor the only one who has sometimes felt the 
heaviness of silence descend upon her at a modern 
dinner. No doubt this same great and unanswerable 
question has been asked by many a traveller who, for 
the first time, has sat next an Englishman of good 
family (perhaps even with a handle to his name), who 
has answered all remarks by the proverbial but un- 
sympathetic " Oh !" Indeed, it is to be feared that it 
is a fashion for young men nowadays to appear list- 
less, to conceal what ideas they may happen to have, 
to try to appear stupid, if they are not so, throwing 
all the burden of the conversation on the lively, viva- 
cious, good-humored girl, or the more accomplished 
married woman, who may be the next neighbor. 
Women's wits are proverbially quick, they talk read- 
ily, they read and think more than the average young 



292 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES. 

man of fashion is prone to do ; the result is a quick 
and a ready tongue. Yet the art of keeping up a flow 
of agreeable and incessant small-talk, not too heavy, 
not pretentious or egotistical, not scandalous, and not 
commonplace, is an art that is rare, and hardly to be 
prized too highly. 

It has been well said that there is a great difference 
between a brilliant conversationalist and a ready small- 
talker. The former is apt to be feared, and to pro- 
duce a silence around him. We all remember Macau- 
lay and " his brilliant flashes of silence." We all 
know that there are talkers so distinguished that you 
must not ask both of them to dinner on the same day 
lest they silence each other, while we know others 
who bring to us just an average amount of tact, fa- 
cility of expression, geniality, and a pleasant gift at 
a quotation, a bit of repartee ; such a person we call 
a ready small-talker, a " most agreeable person," one 
who frightens nobody and who has a great popularity. 
Such a one has plenty of small change, very useful, 
and more easy to handle than the very large check 
of the conversationalist, who is a millionaire as to his 
memory, learning, and power of rhetoric, but who can- 
not and will not indulge in small-talk. We respect 
the one ; we like the other. The first point to be con- 
sidered, if one has no inspiration in regard to small- 
talk, would seem to be this ; try to consider what 
subject would most interest the person next to you. 
There are people who have no other talent, whom 
we never call clever, but who do possess this instinct, 
and who can talk most sympathetically, while know- 
ing scarcely anything about the individual addressed. 
21 



DINNER CONVERSATION. 293 

There are others who are deficient in this gift, who 
can only say "Really 5 ' and " Indeed." These "Real- 
ly" and "Indeed" and "Oh" people are the despair 
of the dinner-giver. The gay, chatty, light-hearted 
people who can glide into a conversation easily, are 
the best of dinner-table companions, even if they do 
sometimes talk too much about the weather and such 
commonplaces. 

It is a good plan for a shy young person, who has 
no confidence in her own powers of conversation, to 
fortify herself with several topics of general interest, 
such as the last new novel, the last opera, the best and 
newest gallery of pictures, or the flower in fashion; 
and to invent a formula, if words are wanting in her 
organization, as to how these subjects should be intro- 
duced and handled. Many ideas will occur to her, 
and she can silently arrange them. Then she may 
keep these as a reserve force, using them only when 
the conversation drops, or she is unexpectedly brought 
to the necessity of keeping up the ball alone. Some 
people use this power rather unfairly, leading the con- 
versation up to the point where they wish to enter; 
but these are not the people who need help — they can 
take care of themselves. After talking awhile in a 
perfunctory manner, many a shy young person has 
been astonished by a sudden rush of brilliant ideas, 
and finds herself talking naturally and well without 
effort. It is like the launching of a ship; certain 
blocks of shyness and habits of mental reserve are 
knocked away, and the brave frigate Small- Talk takes 
the water like a thing of life. 

It demands much tact and cleverness to touch upon 



294 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES. 

the ordinary events of the day at a mixed dinner, be- 
cause, in the first place, nothing should be said which 
can hurt any one's feelings — politics, religion, and the 
stock market being generally ruled out; nor should 
one talk about that which everybody knows, for such 
small-talk is impertinent and irritating. No one wish- 
es to be told that which he already understands bet- 
ter, perhaps, than we do. Nor are matters of too pri- 
vate a nature, such as one's health, or one's servants, 
or one's disappointments, still less one's good deeds, 
to be talked about. 

Commonplace people also sometimes try society 
very much by their own inane and wholly useless crit- 
icisms. Supposing we take up music, it is far more 
agreeable to hear a person say, " How do you like Nils- 
son ?" than to hear him say, " I like Nilsson, and I have 
these reasons for liking her." Let that come after- 
wards. When a person really qualified to discuss art- 
ists, or literary people, or artistic points, talks sensi- 
bly and in a chatty, easy way about them, it is the 
perfection of conversation; but when one wholly and 
utterly incompetent to do so lays down the law on 
such subjects he or she becomes a bore. But if the 
young person who does not know how to talk treats 
these questions interrogatively, ten chances to one, 
unless she is seated next an imbecile, she will get 
some very good and light small-talk out of her next 
neighbor. She may give a modest personal opinion, 
or narrate her own sensations at the opera, if she can 
do so without egotism, and she should always show a 
desire to be answered. If music and literature fail, 
let her try the subjects of dancing, polo-playing, and 



"i/esprit d'escalier." 295 

lawn-tennis. A very good story was told of a bright 
New York girl and a very haw — haw — stupid Eng- 
lishman at a Newport dinner. The Englishman had 
said " Oh/' and " Really," and " Quite so," to every- 
thing which this bright girl had asked him, when 
finally, very tired and very angry, she said, " Were 
you ever thrown in the hunting-field, and was your 
head hurt ?" The man turned and gazed admiringly. 
" Now youVe got me,' 7 was the reply. And he talked 
all the rest of the dinner of his croppers. Perhaps it 
may not be necessary or useful often to unlock so rich 
a repertoire as this ; but it was a very welcome relief 
to this young lady not to do all the talking during 
three hours. 

After a first introduction there is, no doubt, some 
difficulty in starting a conversation. The weather, the 
newspaper, the last accident, the little dog, the bric-a- 
brac, the love of horses, etc., are good and unfailing 
resources, except that very few people have the readi- 
ness to remember this wealth of subjects at once. To 
recollect a thing apropos of the moment is the gift of 
ready-witted people alone, and how many remember, 
hours after, a circumstance which would have told at 
that particular moment of embarrassment when one 
stood twiddling his hat, and another twisted her hand- 
kerchief. The French call "V esprit d'escalier" — the 
" wit of the staircase " — the gift of remembering the 
good thing you might have said in the drawing-room, 
just too late, as you go up-stairs. However, two new 
people generally overcome this moment of embarrass- 
ment, and then some simple offer of service, such as, 
" Can I get you a chair ?" " Is that window too cold ?" 



296 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES. 

" Can I bring you some tea ?" occurs, and then the 
small-talk follows. 

The only curious part of this subject is that so little 
skill is shown by the average talker in weaving facts 
and incidents into his treatment of subjects of every- 
day character, and that lie brings so little intelligence 
to bear on his discussion of them. It is not given to 
every one to be brilliant and amusing, but, with a lit- 
tle thought, passing events may always give rise to 
pleasant conversation. We have lately been visited 
by a succession of brilliant sunsets, concerning which 
there have been various theories. This has been a 
charming subject for conversation, yet at the average 
dinner we have heard but few persons mention this 
interesting topic. Perhaps one is afraid to start a 
conversation upon celestial scenery at a modern din- 
ner. The things may seem too remote, yet it would 
not be a bad idea. 

Gossip may promote small-talk among those who 
are very intimate and who live in a narrow circle. 
But how profoundly uninteresting is it to an out- 
sider! — how useless to the real man or woman of the 
world! That is, unless it is literary, musical, artistic 
gossip. Scandal ruins conversation, and should never 
be included even in a definition of small-talk. Polite, 
humorous, vivacious, speculative, dry, sarcastic, epi- 
grammatic, intellectual, and practical people all meet 
around a dinner-table, and much agreeable small-talk 
should be the result. It is unfortunately true that 
there is sometimes a failure in this respect. Let a 
hostess remember one thing: there is no chance for 
vivacity of intellect if her room is too warm; her flow- 



"good talk." 297 

ers and her guests will wilt together. There are those 
also who prefer her good dishes to talking, and the old 
gentleman in Punch who rebuked his lively neighbor 
for talking while there were " such entrees coming in " 
has his counterparts among ourselves. 

Some shy talkers have a sort of empirical way of 
starting a subject with a question like this: "Do you 
know the meaning and derivation of the term c bric-a- 
brac ?' " " Do you believe in ghosts ?" " What do you 
think of a ladies' club ?" " Do you believe in chance ?" 
" Is there more talent displayed in learning the violin 
than in playing a first-rate game of chess ?" etc. 

These are intellectual conundrums, and may be re- 
peated indefinitely where the person questioned is dis- 
posed to answer. With a flow of good spirits and the 
feeling of ease which comes from a knowledge of soci- 
ety, such questions often bring out what Margaret 
Fuller called "good talk." 

But if your neighbor says "Oh," "Really," "In- 
deed," " I don't know," then the best way is to be 
purely practical, and talk of the chairs and tables, and 
the existing order of things, the length of trains, or 
the shortness of the dresses of the young ladies at the 
last ball, the prevailing idea that "ice-water is un- 
healthy," and other such extremely easy ideas. The 
sound of one's own voice is generally very sweet in 
one's own ears; let every lady try to cultivate a pleas- 
ant voice for those of other people, and also an agree- 
able and accurate pronunciation. The veriest noth- 
ings sound well when thus spoken. The best way to 
learn how to talk is, of course, to learn how to think: 
from full wells one brings up buckets full of clear wa- 



298 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES. 

ter, but there can be small-talk without much thought. 
The fact remains that brilliant thinkers and scholars 
are not always good talkers, and there is no harm in 
the cultivation of the art of conversation, no harm in a 
little " cramming," if a person is afraid that language 
is not his strong point. The merest trifle generally 
suffices to start the flow of small-talk, and the person 
who can use this agreeable weapon of society is always 
popular and very much courted. 



CHAPTER XXXVII. 

GARDEN-PARTIES. 

Many of our correspondents ask us, " What shall 
we order for a garden-party ?" We must answer that 
the first thing to order is a fine day. In these fortu- 
nate days the morning revelations of Old Probabili- 
ties give us an almost exact knowledge of what of 
rain or sunshine the future has in store. 

A rain or tornado which starts from Alaska, where 
the weather is made nowadays, will almost certainly 
be here on the third day ; so the hostess who is will- 
ing to send a hasty bidding can perhaps avoid rain. 
It is the custom, however, to send invitations for these 
garden-parties a fortnight before they are to occur. 
At Newport they are arranged weeks beforehand, 
and if the weather is bad the entertainment takes 
place in-doors. 

When invitations are given to a suburban place to 
which people are expected to go by rail or any public 
means of conveyance, a card should also be sent stat- 
ing the hours at which trains leave, which train or 
boat to take, and any other information that may add 
to the comfort of the guest. These invitations are 
engraved, and printed on note-paper, which should be 
perfectly plain, or bear the family crest in water-mart 
only, and read somewhat as follows : 



300 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES. 

Mr. and Mrs. Edwin Smith 

request the pleasure of 

Mr. and Mrs. Conway Brown's 

company on Tuesday, the thirtieth of July, 

at four o'clock. 

Garden Party. Tonkers, New York. 

Then, on the card enclosed, might be printed, 

Carriages will meet the 3.30 train from Grand Central Depot. 

If the invitation is to a country place not easy oi 
access, still more explicit directions should be given. 

The garden-party proper is always held entirely in 
the open air. In England the refreshments are served 
under a marquee in the grounds, and in that inclem- 
ent clime no one seems to think it a hardship if a 
shower of rain comes down, and ruins fine silks and 
beautiful bonnets. But in our fine sunshiny land we 
are very much afraid of rain, and our malarious soil 
is not considered always safe, so that the thoughtful 
hostess often has her table in-doors, piazzas filled with 
chairs, Turkey rugs laid down on the grass, and every 
preparation made that the elderly and timid and rheu- 
matic may enjoy the garden-party without endanger- 
ing their health. 

A hostess should see that her lawn-tennis ground is 
in order, the lawn -tennis laid out, and the archery 
tools all in place, so that her guests may amuse them- 
selves with these different games. Sometimes balls and 
races are added to these amusements, and often a plat- 
form is laid for dancing, if the turf be not sufficiently 
dry. A band of musicians is essential to a very elegant 
and successful garden-party, and a varied selection of 
music, grave and gay, should be rendered. Although 



THE GARDEN-PARTY PROPER. 301 

at a dinner-party there is reason to fear that an or 
chestra may be a nuisance, at a garden-party the 
open air and space are sufficient guarantees against 
this danger. 

If the hostess wishes her entertainment to be served 
out-of-doors, of course all the dishes must be cold. 
Salads, cold birds, and ham, tongue, and pdte de foit 
gras, cold pates, and salmon dressed with a green sauce, 
jellies, Charlottes, ices, cakes, punch, and champagne, 
are the proper things to offer. A cup of hot tea 
should be always ready in the house for those who 
desire it. 

At a garden-party proper the hostess receives out on 
the lawn, wearing her hat or bonnet, and takes it for 
granted that the party will be entirely out-of-doors. 
The carriages, however, drive up to the door, and the 
ladies can go up- stairs and deposit their wraps and 
brush off the dust, if they wish. A servant should be 
in attendance to show the guests to that part of the 
grounds in which the lady is receiving. 

At Newport these parties are generally conducted 
on the principle of an afternoon tea, and after the 
mistress of the house has received her guests, they 
wander through the grounds, and, when weary, return 
to the house for refreshment. Pdte de foie gras, sand- 
wiches, cold birds, plates of delicious jellied tongue, 
lobster salad, and sometimes hot cakes and hot broiled 
chicken, are served at these high teas. Coffee and tea 
and wine are also offered, but these are at mixed en- 
tertainments which have grown out of the somewhat 
unusual hours observed at Newport in the season. 

There is a sort of public garden-party in this coun 



302 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES. 

try which prevails on semi-official occasions, such as 
the laying of a foundation-stone for a public building, 
the birthday of a prominent individual, a Sunday- 
school festival, or an entertainment given to a public 
functionary. These are banquets, and for them the 
invitations are somewhat general, and should be of- 
ficially issued. For the private garden-party it is 
proper for a lady to ask for an invitation for a friend, 
as there is always plenty of room; but it should also 
be observed that where this request is not answered 
affirmatively, offence should not be taken. It is some- 
times very difficult for a lady to understand why her 
request for an invitation to her friend is refused; but 
she should never take the refusal as a discourtesy to 
herself. There may be reasons which cannot be ex- 
plained. 

Ladies always wear bonnets or round hats at a gar- 
den-party, and the sensible fashion of short dresses 
has hitherto prevailed ; but it is rumored that a recent 
edict of the Princess of Wales against short dresses 
at her garden-parties will find followers on this side 
of the water, notably at Newport, which out-Herods 
Herod in its respect to English fashions. 

Indeed, a long dress is very pretty on the grass and 
under the trees. At Buckingham Palace a garden- 
party given during the first Jubilee presented a very 
Watteau-like picture. Worth's handsomest dresses 
were freely displayed, and the lovely grounds and old 
trees at the back of the palace were in fine full dress 
for the occasion. 

In fact, England is the land for garden-parties, 
with its turf of velvet softness, its flowing lime-trees, 



LAWN-TENNIS AND THE GARDEN-PARTY. 303 

its splendid old oaks, and its finished landscape gar- 
dening. There are but few places as yet in America 
which afford the clipped-box avenues, the arcades of 
blossoming rose-vines, the pleached alleys, the finely 
kept and perfect gravel-walks, or, better than all, the 
quiet, old-fashioned gardens, down which the ladies 
may walk, rivals of the flowers. 

But there are some such places; and a green lawn, 
a few trees, a good prospect, a fine day, and some- 
thing to eat, are really all the absolute requirements 
for a garden-party. In the neighborhood of New 
York very charming garden-parties have been given : 
at the Brooklyn Navy-yard and the camp of the sol- 
dier, at the head-quarters of the officers of marines, 
and at the ever-lovely Governor's Island. 

Up the Hudson, out at Orange (with its multitudi- 
nous pretty settlements), all along the coast of Long 
Island, the garden-party is almost imperatively nec- 
essary. The owner of a fine place is expected to al- 
low the unfortunates who must stay in town at least 
one sniff of his roses and new-mown hay. 

Lawn-tennis has had a great share in making the 
garden-party popular ; and in remote country places 
ladies should learn how to give these parties, and, with 
very little trouble, make the most of our fine climate. 
There is no doubt that a little awkwardness is to be 
overcome in the beginning, for no one knows exactly 
what to do. Deprived of the friendly shelter of a 
house, guests wander forlornly about ; but a graceful 
and ready hostess will soon suggest that a croquet 
or lawn-tennis party be formed, or that a contest at 
archery be entered upon, or that even a card-party 



304 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES. 

is in order, or that a game of checkers can be played 
under the trees. 

Servants should be taught to preserve the proprie- 
ties of the feast, if the meal be served under the trees. 
There should be no piles of dishes, knives, forks, or 
spoons, visible on the green grass ; baskets should be 
in readiness to carry off everything as soon as used. 
There should be a sufficient quantity of glass and 
china in use, and plenty of napkins, so that there need 
be no delay. The lemonade and punch bowls should 
be replenished from the dining-room as soon as they 
show signs of depletion, and a set of neat maid-ser- 
vants can be advantageously employed in watching 
the table, and seeing that the cups, spoons, plates, 
wine-glasses, and forks are in sufficient quantity and 
clean. If tea is served, maid-servants are better than 
men, as they are careful that the tea is hot, and the 
spoons, cream, and sugar forthcoming. Fruit is an 
agreeable addition to a garden-party entertainment, 
and pines, melons, peaches, grapes, strawberries, are 
all served in their season. Pains should be taken to 
have these fruits of the very best that can be obtained. 

Claret-cup, champagne-cup, and soda-water, brandy 
and shandy-gaff, are provided on a separate table for 
the gentlemen ; Apollinaris water, and the various 
aerated waters so fashionable now, are also provided. 
Although gentlemen help themselves, it is necessary 
to have a servant in attendance to remove the wine- 
glasses, tumblers, and goblets as they are used, and to 
replenish the decanters and pitchers as they are emp- 
tied, and to supply fresh glasses. Many hospitable 
hosts offer their guests old Madeira, sherry, and port 



EFFICIENT SERVICE NECESSARY. 305 

The decanters are placed on the regular luncheon- 
table, and glasses of wine are carried by servants, 
on silver trays, to the ladies who are sitting on the 
piazzas and under the trees. Small thin tumblers are 
used for the claret and champagne cup, which should 
be held in silver or glass pitchers. 

If strawberries and cream are served, a small napkin 
should be put between the saucer and plate, and a 
dessert spoon and fork handed with each plate. 

The servants who carry about refreshments from 
the tent or the table where they are served should be 
warned to be very careful in this part of the service, 
as many a fine gown has been spoiled, by a dish of 
strawberries and cream or a glass of punch or lemon- 
ade being overturned, through a servant's want of care. 

Ices are now served at garden-parties in small pa- 
per cups placed on ice-plates — a fashion which is very 
neat, and which saves much of the mussiness which 
has heretofore been a feature of these entertain- 
ments. Numbers of small tables should be brought 
with the camp-stools, and placed at convenient in- 
tervals, where the guests can deposit their plates. 

A lady should not use her handsome glass or china 
at these al fresco entertainments. It is sure to be 
broken. It is better to hire all the necessary glass, 
silver, and china from the caterer, as it saves a world 
of counting and trouble. 

No doubt the garden-party is a troublesome affair, 
particularly if the refreshments are out-of-doors, but 
it is very beautiful and very amusing, and worth all 
the trouble. It is just as pleasant, however, if th* 
table is in-doors. 



CHAPTER XXXVIII. 

SILVER WEDDINGS AND OTHER WEDDING ANNIVER- 
SARIES. 

A very sensible reform is now being attempted in 
the matter of silver weddings. It was once a demand 
on the purse of at least fifty dollars to receive an in- 
vitation to a silver wedding, because every one was 
expected to send a piece of silver. Some very rich 
houses in New York are stocked with silver with the 
elaborate inscription, " Silver Wedding." To the cards 
of to-day is appended, " No presents received," which 
is a relief to the impecunious. 

These cards are on plain white or silver-gray paper, 
engraved in silver letters, with the name of the lady as 
she was known before marriage appended below that 
of her husband ; the date of the marriage is also added 
below the names. 

The entertainment for a silver wedding, to be per- 
fect, should occur at exactly the hour at which the 
marriage took place; but as that has been found to be 
inconvenient, the marriage hour is ignored, and the 
party takes place in the evening generally, and with 
all the characteristics of a modern party. The " bridal 
pair " stand together, of course, to receive, and as many 
of the original party of the groomsmen and brides- 
maids as can be got together should be induced to form 



WEDDING PRESENTS. 307 

a part of the group. There can be no objection to the 
sending of flowers, and particular friends who wish can, 
of course, send other gifts, but there should be no ob- 
ligation. We may say here that the custom of giving 
bridal gifts has become an outrageous abuse of a good 
idea. From being a pretty custom which had its basis 
in the excellent system of our Dutch ancestors, who 
combined to help the young couple by presents of bed 
and table linen and necessary table furniture and sil- 
ver, it has now sometimes degenerated into a form of 
ostentation, and is a great tax on the friends of the 
bride. People in certain relations to the family are 
even expected to send certain gifts. It has been known 
to be the case that the bride allowed some officious 
friend to suggest that she should have silver, or pearls, 
or diamonds; and a rich old bachelor uncle is sure to 
be told what is expected from him. But when a couple 
have reached their silver wedding, and are able and 
willing to celebrate it, it may be supposed that they 
are beyond the necessity of appealing to the generosity 
of their friends; therefore it is a good custom to have 
this phrase added to the silver - wedding invitation, 
"No presents received." 

The question has been asked if the ceremony should 
be performed over again. We should say decidedly 
not, for great danger has accrued to thoughtless per- 
sons in thus tampering with the wedding ceremony. 
Any one w r ho has read Mrs. Oliphant's beautiful story 
of " Madonna Mary " will be struck at once with this 
danger. It is not safe, even in the most playful man- 
ner, to imitate that legal form on which all society, 
property, legitimacy, and the safety of home hang. 



308 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES. 

Now as to the dress of the bride of twenty-five years, 
we should say, "Any color but black." There is an 
old superstition against connecting black with wed- 
dings. A silver gray, trimmed with steel and lace, 
has lately been used with much success as a second 
bridal dress. Still less should the dress be white; that 
has become so canonized as the wedding dress of a 
virgin bride that it is not even proper for a widow 
to wear it on her second marriage. The shades of 
rose-color, crimson, or those beautiful modern com- 
binations of velvet and brocade which suit so many 
matronly women, are all appropriate silver-wedding 
dresses. 

Ladies should not wear jewellery in the morning, 
particularly at their own houses ; so if the wedding is 
celebrated in the morning, the hostess should take 
care not to be too splendid. 

Evening weddings are, in these anniversaries, far 
more agreeable, and can be celebrated with more 
elaborate dressing. It is now so much the fashion 
to wear low-necked dresses that the bride of twenty- 
five years can appear, if she chooses, in a low-cut 
short-sleeve dinner dress, and diamonds in the even- 
ing. As for the groom, he should be in full even- 
ing dress, immaculate white tie, and pearl-colored kid 
gloves. He plays, as he does at the wedding, but 
a secondary part. Indeed, it has been jocosely said 
that he sometimes poses as a victim. In savage 
communities and among the birds it is the male 
who wears the fine clothes ; in Christian society it 
is the male who dresses in black, putting the fine 
feathers on his wife. It is to her that all the honors 



THOSE THAT SHOULD BE INVITED. 309 

are paid, he playing for the time but a secondary part. 
In savage communities she would dig the earth, wait 
upon her lord, and stand behind him while he eats ; 
in the modern silver wedding he helps her to fried 
oysters and champagne, and stands while she sits. 

Now as to who shall be invited. A correspondent 
writes asking if a silver wedding celebrated in a new 
home would not be a good opportunity for making the 
"first onset of hospitality," inviting those neighbors 
who were not known before, or at least who were not 
visiting acquaintances. We should think it a very 
happy idea. It is a compliment to ask one's friends 
and neighbors to any ceremony or anniversary in which 
our own deep feelings are concerned, such as a christen- 
ing, a child's wedding, and the celebration of a birth- 
day. Why not still more when a married pair have 
weathered the storms of twenty-five years? People 
fully aware of their own respectability should never 
be afraid to bow first, speak first, or call first. Courtesy 
is the most cosmopolitan of good qualities, and polite- 
ness is one of the seven capital virtues. No people 
giving such an invitation need be hurt if it is received 
coldly. They only thus find out which of their new 
neighbors are the most worth cultivating. This sort of 
courtesy is as far as possible from the dreadful word 
" pushing." As dress was made to dignify the human 
body, so a generous courtesy clothes the mind. Let 
no one be afraid of draping the spirit with this purple 
and gold. 

And in all fresh neighborhoods the new-comers 
should try to cultivate society. There is something 
in its attrition which stimulates the mind. Society 



310 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES. 

brightens up the wits, and causes the dullest mind to 
bring its treasures to the surface. 

The wedding anniversaries seem to begin with the 
fifth one — the wooden wedding. Here unique and ap- 
propriate presents seem to be very cheap. Cedar tubs 
and bowls and pails, wooden baskets filled with flowers, 
Shaker rocking-chairs and seats for the veranda, carved 
tables, cabinets of oak, wall brackets, paintings on wood, 
water-colors framed in w T ood-carvings in bog oak, and 
even a load of kindling wood, have been acceptably 
offered. The bride can dress as gayly as she pleases 
at this early anniversary. Then comes the tin wed- 
ding, which now is very much welcomed for the pret- 
ty tin candlesticks that it brings, fresh from London 
furnishers. 

We hear of gorgeous silver weddings in California, 
that land of gold and silver, where the display of toi- 
lettes each represented a large fortune. But, after all, 
the sentiment is the thing, 

" As when, amid the rites divine, 
I took thy troth, and plighted mine 
To thee, sweet wife, my second ring 
A token and a pledge I bring. 
This ring shall wed, till death us part, 
Thy riper virtues to my heart — 
Those virtues which, before untried, 
The wife has added to the bride." 

The golden wedding is a rare festivity — the great 
marriage bell made of wheat fully ripe; sheaves of 
corn; roses of the pure gold-color (the Marshal Niel 
is the golden- wedding flower par excellence). We can 
well imagine the parlors beautifully decorated with 



A CROWN-DIAMOND WEDDING. 311 

autumn leaves and evergreens, the children grouped 
about the aged pair, perhaps even a great-grandchild 
as a child bridesmaid, a bridal bouquet in the aged 
white hand. We can fancy nothing more poetical and 
pathetic than this festivity. 

Whether or not a ring should be given by the hus- 
band to the wife on this occasion we must leave to the 
individual taste of the parties. No doubt it is a 
pleasant occasion for the gift, 

* If she, by merit since disclosed, 
Proved twice the woman I supposed," 

there is no doubt that she deserves another ring. We 
have read somewhere of a crown-diamond wedding; it 
is the sixty -fifth anniversary. Iron weddings are, we 
believe, the fifteenth anniversary. With silver, golden, 
and diamond weddings we are tolerably familiar, but, 
so far as we know, a crown-diamond wedding such as 
was celebrated a short time ago at Maebuell, in the 
island of Alsen, is a ceremony altogether without prece- 
dent in matrimonial annals. Having completed their 
sixty-fifth year of conjugal bliss, Claus Jacobsen and 
his venerable spouse were solemnly blessed by the 
parson of their parish, and went, for the fifth time in 
their long wedded life, through the form of mutual 
troth-plighting before the altar at which they had for 
the first time been united before the battle of Water- 
loo was fought. The united age of this crown-dia- 
mantine couple amount to one hundred and seventy- 
eight years! 

We doubt if this constant pair needed any ring to 
remind them of their wedded duty. It is strange that 



312 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES. 

the origin of the wedding ring is lost in obscurity. 
The " f yancel," or wedding ring, is doubtless of Roman 
origin, and was originally given at the betrothal as a 
pledge of the engagement. Juvenal says that at the 
commencement of the Christian era a man placed a 
ring on the finger of the lady whom he betrothed. In 
olden times the delivery of a signet-ring was a sign of 
confidence. The ring is a symbol of eternity and con- 
stancy. That it was placed on the woman's left hand 
denotes her subjection, and on the ring finger because 
it pressed a vein which communicates directly with 
the heart. So universal is the custom of wearing the 
wedding ring among Jews and Christians that no 
married woman is ever seen without her plain gold 
circlet, and she regards the loss of it as a sinister 
omen; and many women never remove it. This is, 
however, foolish, and it should be taken off and put on 
several times at first, so that any subsequent removal 
or loss need not jar painfully on the feelings. 

The bride-cake cut by the bride, with the wedding 
ring for some fortunate future spouse, seems to be still 
potent. The twenty-five-year-old bride should cut a 
few pieces, then leave others to pass it; it is a day on 
which she should be waited upon. 

Some persons, in celebrating their twenty-fifth wed- 
ding day, also repeat their wedding journey, and we 
know a very pleasant little route in England called the 
" silver-wedding journey," but this is, of course, a mat- 
ter so entirely personal that it cannot be universally 
recommended. 

The most graceful silver-wedding custom is for the 
bride and bridegroom \o receive the greetings of their 



A SIMPLE SILVER- WEDDING CUSTOM. 313 

friends at first formally, then to leave the marriage 
bell or canopy of flowers and to go about among the 
company, becoming again host and hostess. They 
should spare their children, friends, and themselves 
tears and sad recollections. Some opulent brides and 
bridegrooms make it a silver wedding indeed by send- 
ing substantial presents to those who started in life 
with them but have been less fortunate than them- 
selves. 



CHAPTER XXXIX. 

SPRING AND SUMMER ENTERTAINMENTS. 

As the season advances and the country bursts into 
glorious sudden spring, the garden party, the country 
dinner, the horseback excursions, and the asparagus 
parties, the hunts and the yacht voyages, the lawn- 
tennis and archery, the visits to the polo ground, and 
the delights of a visit to the friends who live within 
an hour of the city, at Tuxedo and at Morristown, on 
the seagirt shore of Long Island, or up the Hudson, 
begin to loom up before the city-bound worthy, and 
to throw a a rose hue o'er his russet cares." 

Now the first question with the neophyte, who 
would go to the hunt (for they "break the ice" in 
more senses than one), as the first of the spring out- 
of-door entertainments, is, What does a young girl 
require who would " ride to hounds " ? for " pale Di- 
ana," chaste and fair, no longer hunts on foot, as she 
did in the days of Acteon. 

She must have two thorough-bred hunters. She 
must have a groom, an English habit, a carefully -con- 
sidered outfit, and she must be a perfect and a fear- 
less horsewoman, and not mind a " cropper." One of 
the young riders at the Meadow Brook Hunt was 
thrown over her horse's head into a ditch last spring, 
and got up declaring she was not even bruised. Yes, 



REQUIREMENTS OF THE HUNT. 315 

she must learn even how to fall off her horse without 
breaking her ribs or her nose. It is an expensive 
amusement to be Diana nowadays. The result, how- 
ever, of long practice on horseback seems to be that a 
woman becomes almost a centaur, and more fearless 
than a man. Then the hunt includes as its adjuncts 
to the young ladies certain men in pink. They " form " 
on a roadside, and the master of the hunt says, " La- 
dies and gentlemen, will you hunt ?" and he motions 
to the whipper-in — a gallant creature in pink also — to 
"throw off the dogs." 

Then the prettiest forty dogs, all spotted, start on 
their mad career. It is a beautiful sight, with the 
red-coated huntsmen following, and it looks as if the 
real fox would be attainable after a time, instead of 
the farce of an anise-seed bag which now serves to 
make the ghost of a scent. The low, soft hat is a 
favorite with our young riders, but there is this to say 
for the hard hat, it does break a fall. Many a fair 
forehead has been saved from a terrible scar by the 
resistant hard hat. 

The habit of riding every day and of getting thor- 
oughly accustomed to one's seat should precede the 
daring attempt at a break-neck jump. No one should 
pretend to hunt who has not a good seat, a good horse, 
and plenty of nerve. Much less should an incompe- 
tent rider venture on a friend's horse. It has been 
said in England that "a man will forgive you for 
breaking his own neck, but not that of his favorite 
hunter." 

As the day for driving has come, many correspon- 
dents write to ask what is the best style of equi 



316 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES. 

page for a young man. We can only say that a til 
bury and one horse is very showy, that a dog-cart 
is the most "knowing," that a high chariot is yery 
stately, but that the two-seated Park wagon is the 
most appropriate in which to take out a lady. There 
should always be a servant behind. The art of driv 
ing is simple enough, but requires much practice. The 
good driver should understand his horse well, and turn 
his curves gently and slowly; he must know how to 
harness and unharness a horse, and be ready to mend 
any trifling disarrangement if there is a break. 

Now as to driving in a carriage with ladies, a cor- 
respondent writes to ask the etiquette which should 
govern a gentleman's conduct. He takes his seat 
with his back to the horses, opposite the ladies, nor 
should he assume to sit beside a lady, unless requested 
by her to do so. When the carriage stops he should 
jump out and assist her to alight, walking with her 
up the steps, and ringing the bell. In entering the 
carriage he should put his left foot on the step, and 
enter the carriage with his right foot. This is, how- 
ever, supposing that he sits facing the horses; if he 
sits with his back to the horses, he reverses the pro- 
cess. A gentleman should avoid treading on ladies' 
dresses, or shutting them in the door. Ladies who 
have country-houses should learn to drive as well as 
to ride. Indeed, in these days when young women 
drive alone in the Park in their pony phaetons and 
little carts, we need hardly advise that they should 
learn to drive well. 

As to boating, which is practised so largely by men, 
we hear of but few ladies who pull the oar about New 



PICNIC AND COACHING PARTIES. 317 

York, but doubtless it will be done on inland streams 
and lakes. One gentleman should stay in the boat 
and help to steady it, unless the oarswomen are very 
expert. Short dresses and round hats should be worn, 
with no superincumbent drapery. As the seat of hon- 
or in a boat is that occupied by the stroke oar, it is 
etiquette for the owner of the boat to offer it to his 
friend if he be a rower. 

The asparagus party is a sort of a long picnic, in 
which a party of friends join, and drive or ride out to 
some convenient inn where a good dinner can be served, 
with the advantage of the early vegetable cut directly 
from the ground. As Long Island is famous for its 
asparagus, these parties from New York generally' se- 
lect some convenient locality there, near enough to 
the city to be not too fatiguing a drive. 

The passion for driving a coach has now become 
so much of an American taste that we need not de- 
scribe the pastime here. Many coaches will start 
from New York for some neighboring town — Ards- 
ley Casino, etc. — during the summer, and there is 
no better way of spending a May day than on top 
of one. As for al fresco entertainments, game pie, 
patties, cold beef, pressed tongue, potted meats, sand- 
wiches, pate de foie gras, champagne, are all taken 
out in hampers, and served on top of the coach by the 
obedient valets at the races, for those parties who go 
out with four horses and a London coach to see the 
favorite run. 

We are often asked what would be the appropriate 
costume for a lawn party, and we can only answer 
that the costumes for these parties should be of a use- 



318 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES. 

ful character. If it is a lawn party at a very elegant 
house, at Newport or up the Hudson, it may be, how- 
ever, of a delicacy and elegance not proper if one is 
asked out in the country merely to "have a good 
time," when a person would be exposed to the weath- 
er, the wear and tear of games, and of a long day in 
the sun. Thick boots are indispensable. But if one 
is invited to a wedding in the country, even if the 
" lawn " is to play a decided part in the entertain- 
ment, one must dress very handsomely. At the regu- 
lar lawn party the lady of the house and her daugh- 
ters should receive on the lawn in their bonnets. 

Yachting is a favorite "summer entertainment," and 
for those who love the sea it is unparalleled for its 
excitement. Yachting dresses should be made of lin- 
en serge or tweed, and possess warmth and durability, 
and young women can trim them according to taste, 
with the name and insignia of their favorite yacht. 

For a lawn-tennis party the players dress in flannels 
made for the purpose, and for a lady the shirt-waist is 
indispensable, as giving so much freedom to the arms. 
These parties begin in May at all the country-houses 
and country parks about our larger towns, and cer- 
tainly furnish as much healthful amusement as any- 
thing can do. 

Archery has not yet become acclimated in America, 
but there are clubs in certain circles which promise a 
future for this game. 

Now for those who go to country-houses to stay 
" over Sunday," as is the fashion about New York, 
let us give one word of advice. Always hold your- 
self at the disposal of those at whose house you 



WHERE TACT SHOULD BE DISPLAYED. 319 

are staying. If they propose a plan of action for 
you, fall in with it. If your visit is prolonged for a 
week, endeavor to amuse yourself as much as pos- 
sible. Do not let your hostess see that you are de- 
pendent on her for amusement. Remember, however 
welcome you may be, you are not always wanted. 
A good hostess also learns when to let her guests 
alone. A gentleman visitor who neither shoots, fishes, 
boats, reads, writes letters, nor does anything but 
hang about, letting himself be " amused," is an intol- 
erable nuisance. He had better go to the billiard- 
room and practice caroms by himself, or retire to the 
stables and smoke. 

A lady visitor should show a similar tact in retiring 
to her own room to read or write letters, allowing her 
hostess to have her mornings or her afternoons to her- 
self, as she pleases. Some people are " born visitors." 
They have the genius of tact to perceive, the genius 
of finesse to execute, ease and frankness of manner, a 
knowledge of the world that nothing can surprise, a 
calmness of temper that nothing can disturb, and a 
kindness of disposition that can never be exhausted. 
Such a visitor is greatly in demand everywhere. 

A good-natured host and hostess place everything 
at the disposal of a visitor — their horses, carriages, 
books, and grounds. And here the utmost delicacy 
should be observed. Never ride a horse too fast or 
too far. Never take the coachman beyond his usual 
limits. Never pluck a flower in the ornamental grounds 
without asking permission, for in these days of orna- 
mental and fanciful gardening it is necessary to be 
careful and remember that each flower is a tint in a 



320 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES. 

well-considered picture. Never dogVear or disfigure 
the books, or leave them lying about; if you take them 
from their shelves, put them back. Be thoughtful in 
your treatment of the servants, and give those who 
immediately wait upon you some small gratuity. And 
if family prayers are read, always try to be present. 

So much for the possibility of a " summer enter- 
tainment " at a country-house, one of the most agree- 
able of all, if the apple-blossoms are just out, and the 
charm of spring is over the whole scene. 

We hear of a "rustic masquerade" as one of the 
spring entertainments at a country-house in Orange 
This, it would seem, might be very suitable all over 
the country, if woods and water are near enough for 
the shepherds and shepherdesses. A copy of the gar- 
den parties which made Boucher the painter that he 
was, and in which we almost hear the wind rustling 
through the sedge, the refreshing murmur of the foun- 
tain, and see the gayly dressed marquise put her vio- 
let slipper on the turf, and the elegant and stately 
gentlemen as they light up the neighboring arbor 
with their fine silk coats in his pictures — a copy of 
such garden parties as those which made Watteau's 
fame (he has put them all on the fans, and the young 
people have only to copy them) — this would indeed 
be a "rustic masquerade," which might amuse and 
" draw " for a charity. Many of our country towns 
on the borders of lakes, many of the places near New 
York in their own fine grounds, would offer a terres- 
trial paradise for such a garden party. 

To drive out to the park to breakfast, to get the 
early strawberry and the delicious cream — this is 



HOW A HIGH TEA SHOULD BE SERVED. 321 

a spring entertainment which many of our business 
men indulge in, coming back to their work in New 
York refreshed and invigorated. The men of pleasure 
of this period have, as they have always had, an am- 
ple provision of amusement — not always the most use- 
ful, it is true — yet we are glad to see that the out-of- 
door excitements begin to distance the excitements of 
the gaming-table. Betting on the turf is not carried 
to the ruinous extent here that it is in England, while 
the polo, the base-ball, the boating, and the "riding 
to hounds " — open to ridicule as it is, in some ways 
of looking at it — are all healthful. The spring season 
has its little dinners, lunches, and weddings, but very 
few evening entertainments. 

After a young girl has ransacked the fashionable 
world all winter, and been at all the fetes and balls, 
concerts, operas, and suppers, she does not care for 
parties in May. Such infatuated ardor for amuse- 
ment would make sad havoc of her charms if she did. 
It is quite enough if she finishes her exciting winter 
with a fancy dance or private theatricals at some char- 
itable entertainment. 

A high tea is served in courses like a dinner, ex- 
cepting with less formality. The lady sits at one end 
of the table with the silver tea-tray before her, while 
the gentleman has before him cold chicken, or even, 
perhaps, a hot dish like roast partridges, to carve. 
Frequently scalloped oysters are passed, and always 
salads, so that those who are in the habit of dining at 
that hour have a solid meal. There are hot cakes and 
biscuits and sweetmeats on the table, so that it is really 
the old-fashioned tea of our grandmothers re-enforced 



322 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES. 

by some solid dishes. It is intended to save the ser- 
vants trouble on Sunday evening, but it is really more 
trouble to them as now served, as it gives the waiter 
additional dishes to wash, and quite as much service. 
It saves the cook, however, and she is a most impor- 
tant functionary. 

The introduction of the bicycle into American life 
has rendered the life of all women much more varied 
and delightful from May to November than it used to 
be. Such pleasurable haunts as Tuxedo and the coun- 
try club, and, indeed, the whole fashionable vicinage 
of New York, is within bicycle distance, and the thea- 
tres complain that they have no audiences after the 
fine weather improves the roads. I receive many let- 
ters asking for the " etiquette of the wheel." I am 
unable to give any advice on this subject, except to 
ask the rider to not run down any unfortunate lady 
who may be in the way. I am glad to hear that there 
is an improved lamp now invented for those who ride 
after dark, as I consider the bicycle rider by moon- 
light a dangerous enemy to the human race, and I 
hope that each bicycle may have a most resonant bell. 

This is now so recognized a taste that horses are no 
longer a necessity. It is the wheel which is indis- 
pensable. Most people travel with their wheels, and 
all girls carry a bicycle dress. Would that it were 
more frequently a pretty one ! The bicycle costume, 
so far, is open to objections, but fortunately the rider 
does not care, and even the most delicate women get 
oblivious to falls and indifferent to fatigue. It is the 
only dress, says a modern critic, " in which no woman 
cares bow she looks." 



CHAPTER XL. 

FLORAL TRIBUTES AND DECORATIONS. 

When every steamer leaving these shores goes 
out laden with people who are weighed down with 
flowers, it cannot but be a severe tax on the in- 
genuity of the florist to devise novel and appropri- 
ate forms for the typical basket that shall say bon 
voyage in a thousand new ways. Floral ships, an- 
chors, stars, crosses, mottoes, monograms, and even 
the national flag, have been used for these steamer 
decorations. 

But the language of flowers, so thoroughly under- 
stood among the Persians that a single flower ex- 
presses a complete declaration of love, an offer of 
marriage, and, presumably, a hint at the settlement, 
is, with our more practical visionaries and enthusiasts 
of the nineteenth century, rather an echo of the stock 
market than a poetical fancy. We fear that no prima 
donna looks at her flowers without a thought of how 
much they have cost, and that the belle estimates her 
bouquet according to the commercial value of a lily* 
of-the-valley as compared with that of a Jacqueminot 
rose, rather than as flowers simply. It is a pity that 
the overwhelming luxury of an extravagant period 
involves in its all-powerful grasp even the flowers of 
the field, those generous gifts of sunshine and of rain 



324 MANXERS AND SOCIAL USAGES. 

But so it is. It is a well-known fact that the lady 
who will give her order three months in advance for 
the flowers needed for her daughter's wedding, or for 
any other grand ceremonial, can, by offering a sufli- 
ciently large amount of money, command any flower 
she wishes. Even daisies and buttercups, red clover 
and white, the delicate forget-me-not of the garden, 
nasturtiums and marigolds, the shy and tender ane- 
mone, the dandelion and lilacs and lilies-of -the- valley, 
may be forced into unnatural bloom in January. It 
is a favorite caprice to put the field-flowers of June 
on a lunch-table in January. 

The lunch -table is the greatest of all the con- 
sumers of flowers, therefore we may begin by de- 
scribing some of the new fancies developed by that 
extraordinarily luxurious meal. A lady's lunch must 
show not only baskets of magnificent flowers up and 
down the table, but it must also bear a basket or a 
bouquet for each lady. 

One of the most regal lunches, given to twenty- 
eight ladies, set the fashion for using little gilt bas- 
kets, with covers opening on either side of the han- 
dle — the kind of basket, of a larger size, in which, 
in New England and in Old England, Dame Trot 
carried her multifarious parcels home from market. 
These pretty and useful baskets had on each side a 
bunch of flowers peeping out through the open cover, 
and on the gilt handle was tied a ribbon correspond- 
ing in color to the flowers. One of them, having soft 
pink rosebuds of exceeding size and loveliness on one 
side and a bunch of lilies-of -the-valley on the other, 
with a bow of pink satin ribbon on the handle, was 
23 



THE ARRANGEMENT OF FLOWERS. 325 

as pretty a picture as ever Kate Greenaway devised 
Another, showing the strong contrast of purple pan- 
sies and yellow daffodils, and tied with a lovely purple 
satin ribbon, was a dream of rich color. 

The stiff, formal, flat bouquets of yellow daffodils 
and bunches of violets, tied with purple ribbon, make 
a very fine effect laid in regular order at each plate. 
Repetition of a favorite idea in flowers is not ugly, 
although it seems at first very far from the primeval 
and delicious confusion in which nature throws her 
bouquets down upon upland and meadow. 

In the arrangement of roses the most varied and 
whimsical fancies may be displayed, although the 
most gorgeous effect is produced, perhaps, by massing 
a single color or group. A basket of the pink Gloire 
de Paris, however, with its redundant green foliage, al- 
ternated with deep-red Jacqueminots, is a very splen- 
did fancy, and will fill a room with fragrance. In Feb- 
ruary these roses cost two dollars apiece, and it was no 
rare sight to see four or six baskets, each containing 
forty roses, on one table during the winter of 1890 
In the winter of 1893 orchids were the passion, and in 
1900 the American Beauty is the favorite flower. 

We advise all ladies going into the country to pur- 
chase some of the little " Dame Trot " baskets, as they 
will be lovely when filled with wild-flowers during the 
summer. Indeed, the gilt basket, fitted with a tin pan 
to hold earth or water, is such a cheap and pretty 
receptacle for either growing or cut flowers that it 
ought to be a belonging of every dinner-table. 

From the lunch -table, with its baskets and floral 
fancies, we come to the dinner-table. Here the space 



326 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES. 

is so valuable that the floral bag, an ingenious plan 
by which roses may be hung at the side of the wearer, 
has been invented. This is a novel and very pretty 
way of wearing flowers. The roses or other flowers 
are tied together with wires, in the shape of a reticule, 
and a ribbon and pin provided, so that the lady may 
fasten her floral trophy at her side. The baskets of 
flowers and the adornments of the epergne for a din- 
ner are very apt to be all of one flower. If mixed, 
they are of two sorts, as yellow roses and red ones, 
or white and pink, or, may be, half of lilacs and half 
of roses, or purple pansies and bright yellow flowers. 
Some tables are set with scarlet carnations alone, and 
the effect is very fine. 

For wedding decorations, houses are now filled with 
palm-trees in pots and orange-trees in full bearing. 
An entire suite of rooms is made into a bower of 
large-leaved plants. Mirrors are covered with vines, 
wreaths, and climbing roses, trained across a trellis 
of wire. The bride stands under a floral umbrella, 
which juts out into the room. The monograms of 
bride and bridegroom are put in floral shields against 
the wall, like the cartouche on which the names and 
the titles of an Egyptian king are emblazoned in the 
solitude of the Pyramids. The bouquets carried by 
brides and bridesmaids are now extraordinarily large, 
measuring a foot or more across the top. 

Tulips have always been favorite ornaments for the 
dinner-table. These flowers, so fine in drawing and 
so splendid in color, produce an exceedingly brilliant 
effect in large masses. As Easter approaches, lilies 
come in for especial notice, and the deep Japan cup- 



FLORAL EMBLEMS AT FUNERALS. 327 

lily, grouped with the stately callas, and the garden- 
lily, with its long yellow stamens and rich perfume, 
worthily fill the table vases. 

Hyacinths are lovely harbingers of spring, and are 
beautiful in color ; but there is a strong objection to 
this flower as a decoration, its heavy perfume being 
unpleasant to some people. 

A fish-basket filled with bunches of lilies, mignon- 
ette, deep pink moss-roses shaded to the pale tints of 
the rose known as the Baroness de Rothschild, with 
a glowing centre of warm red Jacqueminots and a 
fringe of purple pansies and Marechal Niels, was one 
of many beautiful floral ornaments on a magnificent 
dinner-table. 

In spite of the attempt to prevent the extravagant 
use of flowers at funerals, we still see on those sad oc- 
casions some new and rather poetic ideas expressed 
by floral emblems. One of these, called the "Gates 
Ajar," was very beautiful: the "gates" panelled with 
lilies, and surmounted by doves holding sprays of pas- 
sion-vines in their beaks. 

Palms crossed, and clasped by roses and ribbons, an 
oblique cross of roses lying on a bed of ivy, a basket 
made of ivy and autumn leaves, holding a sheaf of 
grain and a sickle of violets, an ivy pillow with a 
cross of flowers on one side, a bunch of pansies held 
by a knot of ribbon at one corner, a cross made of 
ivy alone, a " harvest-field " made of ears of wheat, 
are some of the many new funereal designs which 
break the monotony of the dreadful white crosses, 
crowns, and anchors, hearts and wreaths, of the past. 

It is no longer necessary to exclude color from thesG 



328 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES. 

tributes to the dead. Indeed, some of the most beau- 
tiful designs noticed at recent funerals have been 
composed of colored flowers. 

For a christening, a floral cradle or swinging ham- 
mock, a bowl, a silver cup full of the tiniest flowers 5 
are all favorite designs. A large table of flowers, 
with the baby's initials in the centre, was sent to ono 
happy young mother on a recent auspicious occasion; 
and far more lovely was a manger of flowers, with the 
" Star of the East " hanging above it, all made of that 
pretty white flower the Star of Bethlehem. 

Strange contrasts of flowers have been made : pur- 
ple lilacs and the blue forget-me-nots were a favorite 
combination — " stylish, not pretty," was the whispered 
criticism. 

The yellow marigold, a sort of small sunflower, has 
been the favorite " caprice " for bouquets de corsage. 
This is as near to an actual sunflower as the aesthetes 
have ventured to approach. With us, perhaps, there 
is no more splendid yellow than this marigold, and it 
admirably sets off a black or sage green dress. 

An extravagant lady, at a ball, wore around her 
white dress skirt a fringe of real violets. Although 
less effective than the artificial ones, they had a pret- 
ty appearance until they drooped and faded. This 
adornment cost one hundred and fifty dollars. 

A rainbow has been attempted in flowers, but with 
poor success. It will look like a ribbon — a very hand 
some ribbon, no doubt; but the arc-en-ciel evades re- 
production, even in the transcendent prismatic colors 
of flowers. 

Ribbons have been used with flowers, and add much 






ENORMOUS PRICES PAID FOR FLOWERS. 329 

to their effect ; for, since the Arcadian days of Rosa- 
lind and Celia, a flower, a ribbon, and a pretty girl, 
have been associated with each other in prose, poetry, 
painting, and romance. 

The hanging-baskets, filled with blooming plants, 
trailers, and ferns, have been much used at weddings 
to add to the bower-like appearance of the rooms ; 
and altars and steps of churches have been richly 
adorned with flowering plants and palm-trees and 
other luxuriant foliage in 1900. 

The prices paid for flowers have been enormous. 
One thousand dollars for the floral decorations for a 
single dinner has not been an uncommon price. But 
the expenditure of such large sums for flowers has not 
been unprofitable. The flowers grow finer every day, 
and, as an enterprising florist, who had given a " rose 
tea" to his patrons, remarked, "Every large order 
inspires us to produce a finer flower." 

The large fountain bouquet reaching to the end of 
the skirt has become the fashion for brides. It is 
composed of orchids, long-stemmed roses, and trailing 
vines. 

Sweet peas out of season, in huge bunches, have 
been a caprice in January, 1900. 



CHAPTER XLL 

THE FORK AND THE SPOON. 

A correspondent writes, " How shall I carry my 
fork to my mouth?" The fork should be raised lat- 
erally to the mouth with the right hand; the elbow 
should never be crooked, so as to bring the hand round 
at a right angle, or the fork directly opposite the 
mouth. The mother cannot begin too early to incul- 
cate good manners at the table, and among the first 
things that young children should learn is the proper 
use of the fork. 

Again, the fork should not be overloaded. To take 
meat and vegetables and pack them on the poor fork, 
as if it were a beast of burden, is a common Amer- 
ican vulgarity, born of our hurried way of eating at 
railway- stations and hotels. But it is an unhealthy 
and an ill-mannered habit. To take but little on 
the fork at a time, a moderate mouthful, shows good 
manners and refinement. The knife must never be 
put into the mouth at any time — that is a remnant of 
barbarism. 

Another correspondent asks, " Should cheese be eat- 
en with a fork ?" We say, decidedly, " Yes," although 
good authorities declare that it may be put on a morsel 
of bread with a knife, and thus conveyed to the mouth 
Of course we refer to the soft cheeses — like Gargon 



USES FOR THE SPOON. 331 

zola, Brie, cream-cheese, Neufchatel, Limburger, and 
the like — which are hardly more manageable than but- 
ter. Of the hard cheeses, one may convey a morsel to 
the mouth with the thumb and forefinger ; but, as a 
general rule, it is better to use the fork. 

Now as to the spoon : it is to be used for soup, for 
strawberries and cream, for all stewed fruit and pre- 
serves, and for melons, which, from their juiciness, 
cannot be conveniently eaten with a fork. Peaches and 
cream, all the " wet dishes," as Mrs. Glasse was wont 
to call them, must be eaten with a spoon. Roman 
punch is always eaten with a spoon. 

On elegant tables, each plate or "cover" is ac- 
companied by two large silver knives, a small silver 
knife and fork for fish, a small fork for the oysters 
on the half-shell, a large table-spoon for soup, and 
three large forks. The napkin is folded in the centre, 
with a piece of bread in it. As the dinner progresses, 
the knife and fork and spoon which have been used 
are taken away with the plate. This saves confusion, 
and the servant has not to bring fresh knives and forks 
all the time. Fish should be eaten with silver knife and 
fork ; for if it is full of bones, like shad, for instance, it 
is very difficult to manage it without the aid of a knife. 

For sweetbreads, cutlets, roast beef, etc., the knife 
is also necessary ; but for the croquettes, rissoles, bou« 
chees d la Heine, timbales, and dishes of that class, the 
fork alone is needed. A majority of the made dishes 
in which the French excel are to be eaten with the 
fork. 

After the dinner has been eaten, and the dessert 
reached, we must see to it that everything is cleared 



332 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES, 

off but the table-cloth, which is now never removed. 
A dessert -plate is put before each guest, and a gold 
or silver spoon, a silver dessert spoon and fork, and 
often a queer little combination of fork and spoon, 
called an "ice-spoon." 

In England, strawberries are always served with 
the green stems, and each one is taken up with the 
fingers, dipped in sugar, and thus eaten. Many for- 
eigners pour wine over their strawberries, and then 
eat them with a fork, but this seems to be detrimental 
to the natural flavor of the king of berries. 

Pears and apples should be peeled with a silver 
knife, cut into quarters, and then picked up with the 
fingers. Oranges should be peeled, and cut or sepa- 
rated, as the eater chooses. Grapes should be eaten 
from behind the half-closed hand, the stones and skin 
falling into the fingers unobserved, and thence to the 
plate. Never swallow the stones of small fruits; it is 
extremely dangerous. The pineapple is almost the 
only fruit which requires both knife and fork. 

So much has the fork come into use of late that a 
wit observed that he took everything with it but af- 
ternoon tea. The thick chocolate, he observed, often 
served at afternoon entertainments, could be eaten 
comfortably with a fork, particularly the whipped 
cream on top of it. 

A knife and fork are both used in eating salad, if it 
is not cut up before serving. A large lettuce leaf can- 
not be easily managed without a knife, and of course 
the fork must be used to carry it to the mouth. Thus, 
as bread, butter, and cheese are served with the sala4 
the salad knife and fork are really essential. 



DO NOT FILL THE SOUP-PLATE. 333 

Salt-cellars are now placed at each plate, and it is 
not improper to take salt with your knife. 

Dessert-spoons and small forks do not form a part 
of the original " cover ;" that is, they are not put on 
at the beginning of the dinner, but are placed before 
the guests according as they are needed; as, for in- 
stance, when the Roman punch arrives before the 
game, and afterwards when the plum -pudding or 
pastry is served before the ices. 

The knives and forks are placed on each side of the 
plate, ready for the hand. 

For the coffee after dinner a very small spoon is 
served, as a large one would be out of place in the 
small cups that are used. Indeed, the variety of forks 
and spoons now in use on a well-furnished table is as- 
tonishing. 

One of our esteemed correspondents asks, "How 
much soup should be given to each person?" A half- 
ladleful is quite enough, unless it is a country dinner, 
where a full ladleful may be given without offence; 
but do not fill the soup-plate. 

In carving a joint of fowl the host ought to make 
sure of the condition of both knife and fork. Of course 
a good carver sees to both before dinner. The knife 
should be of the best cutlery, well sharpened, and the 
fork long, strong, and furnished with a guard. 

In using the spoon be very careful not to put it too 
far into the mouth. It is a fashion with children to 
polish their spoons in a somewhat savage fashion, 
but the guest at a dinner-party should remember, in 
the matter of the dessert-spoon especially (which is a 
rather large implement for the mouth), not to allow 



334 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES. 

even the clogging influences of cabinet pudding to 
induce him to give his spoon too much leeway; as 
in all etiquette of the table, the spoon has its difficul- 
ties and dangers. Particularly has the soup-spoon its 
Scylla and Charybdis, and if a careless eater make a 
hissing sound as he eats his soup, the well-bred diner- 
out looks round with dismay. 

There are always people happy in their fashion of 
eating, as in everything else. There is no such infal- 
lible proof of good-breeding and of early usage as the 
conduct of a man or woman at dinner. But, as every 
one has not had the advantage of early training, it is 
well to study these minute points of table etiquette, 
that one may learn how to eat without offending the 
sensibility of the well-bred. Especially study the fork 
and the spoon. There is, no doubt, a great diversity 
of opinion on the Continent with regard to the fork. 
It is a common German fashion, even with princes, 
to put the knife into the mouth. Italians are not al- 
ways particular as to its use, and cultivated Russians, 
Swedes, Poles, and Danes often eat with their knives 
or forks indiscriminately. 

But Austria, which follows French fashions, the 
Anglo-Saxon race in England, America, and the colo- 
nies, all French people, and those elegant Russians 
who emulate French manners, deem the fork the prop- 
er medium of communication between the plate and 
the mouth. 



CHAPTER XLII. 

NAPKINS AND TABLE-CLOTHS. 

The elegance of a table depends essentially upon its 
napery. The plainest of meals is made a banquet if 
the linen be fresh, fine, and smooth, and the most 
sumptuous repast can be ruined by a soiled and crum- 
pled table-cloth. The housewife who wishes to con- 
duct her house in elegance must make up her mind 
to use five or six sets of napkins, and to have several 
dozens of each ready for possible demands. 

A napkin should never be put on the table a second 
time until it has been rewashed ; therefore, napkin- 
rings should be abandoned — relegated to the nursery 
tea-table. 

Breakfast napkins are of a smaller size than dinner 
napkins, and are very pretty if they bear the initial 
letter of the family in the centre. Those of fine, 
double damask, with a simple design, such as a snow- 
drop or a mathematical figure, to match the table- 
cloth, are also pretty. In the end, the economy in 
the wear pays a young house-keeper to invest well in 
the best of napery — double damask, good Irish linen. 
Never buy poor or cheap napkins ; they are worn out 
almost immediately by washing. 

Coarse, heavy napkins are perhaps proper for the 
nursery and children's table. If children dine with 



336 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES. 

their parents, they should have a special set of nap« 
kins for their use, and some very careful mammas 
make these with tapes to tie around the youthful 
necks. It is better in a large family, where there 
are children, to have heavy and coarse table-linen for 
every-day use. It is not an economy to buy colored 
cloths, for they must be washed as often as if they 
were white, and no color stands the hard usage of the 
laundry as well as pure white. 

Colored napery is, therefore, the luxury of a well- 
appointed country house, and has its use in making 
the breakfast and luncheon table look a little unlike 
the dinner. Never use a parti -colored damask for 
the dinner-table. 

White napery, which grows whiter with each sum- 
mer's bleaching, is preferable to all others. Ladies 
who live in the city should try to send all their napery 
to the country at least once a year, and iet it lie on 
the grass for a good bleaching. It seems to keep 
cleaner afterwards. 

For dinner, large and handsome napkins, carefully 
ironed and folded simply, with a piece of bread in- 
side, should lie at each plate. These should be re- 
moved when the fruit course is brought, and with each 
finger-bowl should be a colored napkin, with which 
to dry the fingers. 

Pretty little fanciful doyleys are now also put under 
the finger-bowl, merely to be looked at. Embroidered 
with quaint designs, these little three-inch things are 
very ornamental; but the real and serviceable doyley 
should not be forgotten, and may be laid either beside 
or over the top of the finger-bowl. 



TABLE LINEN. 337 

Man}' ladies are so extravagant that they have a 
second napkin of small size put on for that part of 
the dessert which precedes the fruit, but this involves 
so much trouble to both the guest and the waiter that 
it is not ordinarily done. 

The napkins made at Berlin, with drawn thread and 
knotted fringe and lace effects, are very handsome. 
They are also made at the South Kensington schools, 
and in Paris, and by the Decorative Art Society in New 
York, and are beautifully wrought with monogram 
and crest in red, white, and blue thread. But no napkin 
is ever more thoroughly elegant than the very thick, 
fine, and substantial plain damask, which becomes 
more pure and smooth every time that it is cleansed. 

However, as one of our great dinner-givers in New 
York has ordered twenty-four dozen* of the handsome, 
drawn-thread napkins from one establishment at Ber- 
lin, we must conclude that they will become the fashion. 

When breakfast is made a formal meal — that is, when 
company is invited to come at a stated hour — serviettes, 
or large dinner-napkins, must be placed at each plate, 
as for a dinner. But they are never used at a " stand- 
up " breakfast, nor are doyleys or finger-bowls. 

If any accident happens, such as the spilling of a 
glass of wine or the upsetting of a plate, the debris 
should be carefully cleared away, and the waiter 
should spread a clean napkin over the desecrated 
table-cloth. Large white napkins are invariably used 
at luncheon, and the smaller ones kept for breakfast 
and tea. Some ladies like the little fringed napkins 
for tea, but to look well these must be very carefully 
* One hotel in New York uses a thousand napkins a day. 



338 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES. 

washed and ironed. A polished top table is in fash- 
ion in 1900 for breakfast and luncheon. The use of 
a centre-piece at these meals is not obligatory, but 
it is almost always a pot of growing plants — ferns, 
bulbous flowers, or fresh flowers, or a palm-tree. 

Never fasten your napkin around your neck ; lay it 
across your knees, convenient to the hand, and lift one 
corner only to wipe the mouth. Men who wear a 
mustache are permitted to "saw" the mouth with the 
napkin, as if it were a bearing-rein, but for ladies this 
would look too masculine. 

Napkins at hotels are now folded, in a half -wet 
condition, into all sorts of shapes : a goose, a swan, a 
ship, a high boot, are all favorite and fanciful designs ; 
but this is a dirty fashion, requiring the manipulation 
of hands which are not always fresh, and as the nap- 
kin must be damp at the folding, it is not always dry 
when shaken out. Nothing is so unhealthy as a damp 
napkin; it causes agony to a delicate and nervous lady, 
a man with the rose-cold, a person with neuralgia or 
rheumatism, and is offensive to every one. Never al- 
low a napkin to be placed on the table until it has been 
well aired. There is often a conspiracy between the 
waiter and the laundress in great houses, both wishing 
to shirk work, the result of which is that the napkins, 
not prepared at the proper time, are put on the table 
damp. 

A house-keeper should have a large chest to contain 
napery which is not to be used every day. This re- 
served linen should be washed and aired once a year 
at least, to keep it from moulding and becoming yellow, 

Our Dutch ancestors were very fond of enriching 



NAPKINS. 339 

a chest of this kind, and many housewives in New 
York and Albany are to-day using linen brought from 
Holland three hundred years ago. 

The napery made in Ireland has, however, in our 
day taken the place of that manufactured in other 
countries. It is good, cheap, and sometimes very 
handsome, and if it can be bought unadulterated with 
cotton it will last many years. 

Very little starch should be put in napkins. No 
one wishes to wipe a delicate lip on a board, and a 
stiff napkin is very like that commodity. 

At dinner-parties in England, in the days of William 
the Fourth, a napkin was handed with each plate. As 
the guest took his plate and new napkin, he allowed 
the one which he had used to fall to the floor, and 
when he went away from the table he left a snowy 
pile of napery behind him. 

The use of linen for the table is one of the oldest 
of fashions. The early Italian tables were served with 
such beautiful lace -worked napkins that we cannot 
equal them to-day. Queen Elizabeth's napkins were 
edged with lace made in Flanders, and were an im- 
portant item of expense in her day-book. 

Fringed, embroidered, and colored napkins made of 
silk are used by Chinese and Japanese magnates. 
These articles may be washed, and are restored to 
their original purity by detergent agents that are un- 
known to us. The Chinese also use little napkins of 
paper, which are very convenient for luncheon baskets 
and picnics. 

One of our correspondents asks us if she should fold 
her napkin before leaving the table. 



340 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES. 

At a fashionable meal, no. At a social tea or break- 
fast, yes, if her hostess does so. There is no absolute 
law on this subject. 

At a fashionable dinner no one folds his napkin; 
he lays it by the side of his plate unfolded. When 
the fruit napkin is brought he takes it from the 
glass plate on which it is laid, and either places it at 
his right hand or across his knee, and the "illumi- 
nated rag," as some wit called the little embroidered 
doyley, which is not meant for use, is, after having 
been examined and admired, laid on the table, beside 
the finger-bowl. These pretty little trifles can serve 
several times the purpose of ornamenting the finger- 
bowl. 

Napkins, when laid away in a chest or drawer, 
should have some pleasant, cleanly herb like lavender 
or sweet-grass, or the old-fashioned clover, or bags of 
Oriental orris-root, put between them, that they may 
come to the table smelling of these delicious scents. 

Nothing is more certain to destroy the appetite of 
a nervous dyspeptic than a napkin that smells of 
greasy soap. There is a laundry soap now in use 
which leaves a very unpleasant odor in the linen, and 
napkins often smell so strongly of it as to take away 
the desire for food. 

Perhaps the influence of Delmonico upon the public 
has been in nothing more strongly shown than in the 
effect produced by his always immaculate napery. It 
was not common in American eating-houses, when he 
began, to offer clean table-cloths and clean napkins. 
Now no decent diner will submit to any other than a 
clean napkin. 
4 



CARE OF NAPKINS. 341 

Every lady, therefore, who aspires to elegant house* 
keeping, should remember that she must never allow 
the same napkin to be put on her table twice. Once 
used, it must be sent to the laundry before it is put 
on the table again. For this reason the expensive gold- 
embroidered laced napkins, those made of Duchesse 
lace and heavily embroidered, are senseless articles of 
luxury, only fit for royal tables, where, indeed, they 
are but seldom used. 



CHAPTER XLIII. 

SERVANTS, THEIR DRESS AND DUTIES. 

As we read that a Saratoga hotel-keeper has re- 
cently dismissed all his waiters who would not shave 
off their mustaches, we 'must begin to believe that the 
heretofore heedless American is considering the ap- 
pearance of his house and carriage-servants. In the 
early days of the republic, before Thomas Jefferson 
tied his horse's rein to the palings of the fence and 
sauntered into the Capitol to be inaugurated, the 
aristocrats of the various cities had a livery for their 
servants. But after such a dash of cold water in the 
face of established usage by the Chief Magistrate of 
the country, many of the old forms and customs of 
Colonial times fell into disuse, and among others the 
wearing of a livery by serving -men. A constantly 
declining grade of shabbiness was the result of this, 
as the driver of the horses wore a coat and hat of the 
same style as his master, only less clean and new. 
Like many of our American ideas so good in theory, 
the outcome of this attempt at "Liberty, Equality, 
and Fraternity," was neither conducive to neatness 
nor elegance. 

But so strongly was the prejudice against liveries 
instilled into the public mind that only a few years 
ago a gentleman of the most aristocratic circle of aris- 



THE DRESS OF SERVANTS. 343 

tocratic Philadelphia declared that he refrained from 
having a liveried servant behind his carriage from fear 
of shocking public opinion. In New York the presence 
of a large, foreign, social element long ago brought 
about a revulsion of opinion in this matter, and now 
most persons who desire a neat, plain, and appropriate 
style of dress for their coachmen and footmen put 
them in a livery, for which the master pays. Those 
who are particular in such matters do not allow a wait- 
er or a footman to wear a mustache, and require all 
men-servants to be clean-shaven, except the coachman, 
who is permitted to wear whiskers. Each must have 
his hair cut short, and the waiter must wear white 
gloves while waiting at table or when handing re- 
freshments ; even a glass of water on a silver salver 
must be brought with a gloved hand. 

Many ladies have much trouble in impressing upon 
their men-servants the necessity for personal neat- 
ness. The ordinary attire of a butler is a black 
dress-coat, with white cravat and white cotton gloves. 
A waiter who attends the door in a large estab- 
lishment, and who is one of many servants, is usually 
in a quiet livery — a frock-coat with brass buttons, 
and a striped waistcoat. Some families affect the 
scarlet waistcoat for their footman, which, indeed, 
may be used with very good effect for the negro 
servant. * 

Neatness is indispensable; a slovenly and inattentive 
servant betrays a slovenly household. Yet servants 
often do their employers great injustice. They are 
slow to respond to the bell, they give uncivil answers, 
they deny one person and admit another, they fail to 



344 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES. 

deliver notes, they are insolent, they neglect the or- 
ders of the mistress when she is out. We cannot ex- 
pect perfection in our domestic service, but it is pos- 
sible, by painstaking and patient teaching, to create a 
respectable and helpful serving class. Servants are 
very apt to take their tone from their employers — to 
be civil if they are civil, and insolent if they are in- 
solent. The head of the house is very apt to be cop- 
ied by his flunkies. One primal law we must mention 
— a hostess should never reprove her servants in the 
presence of her guests; it is cruel both to guest and 
servant, and always shows the hostess in an unamiable 
light. Whatever may go wrong, the lady of the 
house should remain calm ; if she is anguished, who 
can be happy ? 

We have not here, nominally, that helpful treasure 
known in England as the parlor-maid. We call her 
a waitress, and expect her to do all the work of one 
floor. Such a person can be trained by a good house- 
keeper to be a most admirable servant. She must be 
told to rise early, to attend to the sweeping of the 
door-steps, to open the blinds, to light the fires, and 
to lay the breakfast-table. She must appear in a neat 
calico dress, white apron and cap, and wait upon the 
family at breakfast. After breakfast, the gentlemen 
will expect her to brush their hats, to bring overcoats 
and overshoes, and to find the umbrellas. She must 
answer the door-bell as well, so should be nimble-foot- 
ed and quick-witted. When breakfast is over, she must 
remove the dishes and wash them, clean the silver, and 
prepare for the next meal. In well-regulated house- 
holds there is a day for sweeping, a day for silver 



TEACHING OF SERVANTS. 345 

cleaning, a day for mirror-polishing, and another foi 
making bright and neat the fireplaces; but each one 
of these duties requires a certain share of attention 
every day. The parlor must be dusted, and the fires 
attended to, of course, so the parlor-maid, or the wait- 
ress, in a large family has much to do. The best girls 
for this arduous situation are English, but they are 
very difficult to procure. The Germans are not apt 
to remain long with one family. The best available 
parlor -maids are Irishwomen who have lived some 
time in this country. Such neat-handed Phyllises 
must wear a black woollen dress, never silk, with a 
neat white apron, cap and cuffs and collar of starched 
linen. 

A servant often sins from ignorance, therefore time 
spent in teaching her is not wasted. She should be 
supplied with such utensils as facilitate work, and one 
very good house-keeper declares that the virtue of a 
waitress depends upon an "infinity of crash." And 
there is no doubt that a large supply of towels is a 
constant suggestion of cleanliness which is a great 
moral support to a waitress. 

In these days, when parlors are filled with bric-a- 
brac, a parlor-maid has no time to do laundry-work, 
except such part of it as may pertain to her per- 
sonally. The best of all arrangements is to hire a 
laundress, who will do all the washing of the house. 
Even in a very economical household this has been 
found to be the best plan, otherwise there is always 
an unexplained delay when the bell rings. The ap- 
pearance at the door of a dishevelled maid, with arms 
covered with soapsuds, is not ornamental. If a cook 



346 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES. 

can be found who will also undertake to do the wash- 
ing and ironing, it is a better and more satisfactory 
arrangement. But in our growing prosperity this 
functionary has assumed new and extraordinary im- 
portance, and will do nothing but cook. 

A young house-keeper beginning her life in a great 
city finds herself frequently confronted with the ne- 
cessity of having four servants — a cook, a laundress, a 
waiter or parlor-maid (sometimes both), and a cham- 
ber-maid. None of these excellent auxiliaries is will- 
ing to do the other's work: they generally quarrel. So 
the first experience of house-keeping is not agreeable. 
But it is possible to find two servants who, if proper- 
ly trained, will do all the service of a small family, 
and do it well. 

The mistress must carefully define the work of 
each, or else hire them with the understanding that 
neither shall ever say, " This is not my work." It is 
sometimes quite impossible to define what is the exact 
duty of each servant. Our house - keeping in this 
country is so chaotic, and our frequent changes of 
house and fortune cause it to partake so much of the 
nature of a provisional government, that every wom- 
an must be a Louis Napoleon, and ready for a coup 
d'etat at any moment. 

The one thing which every lady must firmly de- 
mand from her servants is respect. The harassed and 
troubled American woman who has to cope with the 
worst servants in the world — the ill-trained, incapa- 
ble, and vicious peasantry of Europe, who come here 
to be " as good as anybody," and who see that it is 
easily possible to make a living in America whether 



SERVANT AND MISTRESS. 347 

they are respectful or not — that woman has a very 
arduous task to perform. 

But she must gain at least outward respect by in- 
sisting upon having it, and by showing her servants 
that she regards it as even a greater desideratum 
than the efficient discharge of duties. The mistress 
must not lose her temper. She must be calm, im- 
perturbable, and dignified, always. If she gives an 
order, she must insist, at whatever personal cost, that 
it shall be obeyed. Pertinacity and inflexibility on 
this point are well bestowed. 

Where there are children, the nurse is, of course, a 
most important part of the household, and often gives 
more trouble than any of the other servants, for she 
is usually an elderly person, impatient of control, and 
"set in her ways." The mistress must make her obey 
at once. Nurses are only human, and can be made to 
conform to the rules by which humanity is governed. 

Many ladies have adopted for their nurses the French 
style of dress — dark stuff gowns, white aprons, and 
caps. French nurses are, indeed, very much the fash- 
ion, as it is deemed all-important that children should 
learn to speak French as soon as they can articulate. 
But it is so difficult to find a French nurse who will 
speak the truth that many mothers have renounced 
the accomplished Gaul and hired the Anglo-Saxon, 
who is often not more veracious. 

No doubt there was better service when servants 
were fewer, and when the mistress looked well after 
the ways of her household, and performed certain do- 
mestic duties herself. In those early days it was she 
who made the best pastry and sweetmeats. It was 



348 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES. 

she who wrought at the quilting-frame and netted the 
best bed-curtains. It was she who darned the table- 
cloth, with a neatness and exactness that made the 
very imperfection a beauty. It was she who made 
the currant wine and the blackberry cordial. She 
knew all the secrets of clear starching, and taught the 
ignorant how to do their work through her educated 
intelligence. She had, however, native Americans to 
teach, and not Irish, Germans, or Swedes. Now, few 
native-born Americans will become servants, and the 
difficulties of the mistress are thereby increased. 

A servant cannot be too carefully taught her duty 
to visitors. Having first ascertained whether her mis- 
tress is at home or not, in order to save a lady the 
trouble of alighting from her carriage, she should an- 
swer the ring of the door-bell without loss of time; 
and male and female servants should have on hand a 
small silver salver on which to receive the card of the 
guest. She should treat all callers with respect and 
civility, but at the same time she should be able to 
discriminate between friend and foe, and not unwarily 
admit those innumerable cheats, frauds, and beggars 
who, in a respectable garb, force an entrance to one's 
house for the purpose of theft, or perhaps to sell a ce- 
ment for broken crockery, or the last thing in hair-dye. 

Conscientious servants who comprehend their du- 
ties, and who try to perform them, should, after a cer- 
tain course of discipline, be allowed to follow their 
own methods of working. Interference and fault- 
finding injure the temper of an inferior, while sus- 
picion is bad for anybody, and especially operates 
against the making of a good servant. 



TEEATMENT OF SERVANTS. 349 

To assure your servants that you believe them to 
be honest is to fix in them the habit of honesty. To 
respect their rights, their hours of recreation, their 
religion, their feelings, to wish them good-night and 
good-morning (after the pretty German fashion), to 
assist them in the writing of their letters and in the 
proper investment of their earnings, to teach them to 
read and write and to make their clothes, so that they 
may be useful to themselves when they leave servitude 
— all this is the pleasurable duty of a good mistress, 
and such a course makes good servants. 

All ignorant natures seek a leader ; all servants 
like to be commanded by a strong, honest, fair, judi- 
cious mistress. They seek her praise ; they fear her 
censure, not as slaves dread the whip of the tyrant, 
but as soldiers respect their superior officer. Bad 
temper, injustice, and tyranny make eye-service, but 
not heart-service. 

Irresolute persons who do not know their own 
minds, and cannot remember their own orders, make 
very poor masters and mistresses. It is better that 
they should give up the business of house-keeping, 
and betake themselves to the living in hotels or 
boarding - houses with which our English cousins 
taunt us, little knowing that the nomadic life they 
condemn is the outcome of their own failure to make 
good citizens of those offscourings of jail and poor- 
house and Irish shanty which they send to us under 
the guise of domestic servants. 

Familiarity with servants always arouses their con- 
tempt; a mistress can be kind without being familiar. 
She must remember that the servant looks up to her 
The servant should be taught her way over the 



350 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES. 

great gulf of a different condition of life and habit 
— over the great gulf of ignorance, and that, in the 
order of nature, she should respect not only the per- 
son in authority, but the mistress, as superior to her- 
self. This salutary influence is thrown away if the 
mistress descend to familiarity and intimacy. Cer- 
tain weak mistresses vary their attitude towards their 
servants, first assuming a familiarity of manner which 
is disgusting, and which the servant does not mistake 
for kindness, and then a tyrannical severity which is 
as unreasonable as the familiarity, and, like it, is only 
a spasm of an ill-regulated mind. 

Servants should wear thin shoes in the house, and 
be told to step lightly, not to slam doors, or drop 
china, or to rattle forks and spoons. A quiet servant 
is the most certain of domestic blessings. Neatness, 
good manners, and faithfulness have often insured a 
stupid servant of no great efficiency a permanent 
home with a family. If to these qualities be added 
a clear head, an active body, and a respectful manner, 
we have that rare article — a perfect servant. 



CHAPTER XLIV. 

THE HOUSE WITH ONE SERVANT. 

Many large families in this country employ but 
one servant. Although when life was simpler it was 
somewhat easier than it is now to conduct a house 
with such assistance as may be offered by a maid-of- 
all-work, it was necessary even then for the ladies of 
the house to do some portion of the lighter domestic 
work. 

It is a very good plan, when there are several 
daughters in the family, to take turns each to test 
her talent as a house-keeper and organizer. If, how- 
ever, the mistress keep the reins in her own hands, 
she can detail one of these young ladies to sweep 
and dust the parlors, another to attend to the break- 
fast dishes, another to make sure that the maid has 
not neglected any necessary cleansing of the bed- 
rooms. 

A mother with young children must have a thor- 
oughly defined and understood system for the daily 
work to render it possible for one servant to per- 
form it all. 

The maid must rise very early on Monday morning, 
and do some part of the laundry work before break- 
fast. Many old American servants (when there were 
such) put the clothes in water to soak, and sometimes 



352 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES. 

to boil, on Sunday night, that night not having the 
religious significance in New England that Saturday 
night had. 

Nowadays, however, Irish girls expect to have a 
holiday every other Sunday afternoon and evening, 
and it would probably be vain to expect this service 
of them. But at least they should rise by five o'clock, 
and do two hours' good work before it is time to 
prepare the breakfast and lay the table. 

A neat-handed Phyllis will have a clean gown, cap, 
and apron hanging in the kitchen closet, and slip them 
on before she carries in the breakfast, which she has 
cooked and must serve. Some girls show great tact 
in this matter of appearing neat at the right time, 
but many of them have to be taught by the mistress 
to have a clean cap and apron in readiness. The 
mistress usually furnishes these items of her maid's 
attire, and they should be the property of the mis- 
tress, and remain in the family through all changes 
of servants. They can be bought at almost any re- 
pository conducted in the interest of charity for less 
than they can be made at home, and a dozen of them 
in a house greatly improves the appearance of the ser- 
vants. 

The cook, having prepared the breakfast and waited 
at table, places in front of her mistress a neat, wooden 
tub, with a little cotton-yarn mop and two clean tow- 
els, and then retreats to the kitchen with the heavy 
dishes and knives and forks. The lady proceeds to 
wash the glass, silver, and china, draining the things 
on a waiter, and wiping them on her dainty linen 
towels. It is not a disagreeable operation, and all 



PLAIN DINNER FOR WASHING-DAY. 353 

gentlemen say they like to eat and drink from uten* 
sils which have been washed by a lady. 

Having put away the glass and china, the lady 
shakes the table-cloth, folds it, and puts it away. She 
then takes a light brush broom and sw T eeps the dining- 
room, and dusts it carefully, opening a window to 
air the apartment. When this is done she sets the 
parlor in order. The maid-of-all-work should, in the 
mean time, make a visit to the bedrooms, and do the 
heavy work of turning mattresses and making beds. 
When this is accomplished she must return to the 
kitchen, and after carefully cleaning the pots and 
kettles that have been in use for the morning meal, 
devote an undivided attention to her arduous duties 
as laundress. A plain dinner for washing-day — a 
beefsteak and some boiled potatoes, a salad, and a 
pie or pudding made on the preceding Saturday — is 
all that should be required of a maid-of-all-work on 
Monday. 

The afternoon must be spent in finishing the wash- 
ing, hanging out the clothes, and preparing the tea — 
an easy and informal meal, which should consist of 
something easy to cook; for, after all that she has done 
during the day, this hard-worked girl must "tidy up" 
her kitchen before she can enjoy a well-earned repose. 
It is so annoying to a maid-of-all-work to be obliged 
to open the door for visitors that ladies often have a 
little girl or boy for this purpose. In the country it 
can be more easily managed. 

Tuesday is ironing-day all over the world, and the 
maid must be assisted in this time of emergency by 
her mistress. Most ladies understand the process of 



354 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES. 

clear starching and the best method of ironing fine 
clothing ; if they do not, they should. In fact, a 
good house -keeper should know everything; and 
when a lady gives her attention to this class of house- 
hold duties she is invariably more successful in per- 
forming them than a person of less education and in- 
telligence. 

On Wednesday the maid must bake a part of the 
bread, cake, and pies that will be required during the 
week. In this the mistress helps, making the light 
pastry, stoning the raisins, washing the currants, and 
beating the eggs. Very often a lady fond of cookery 
makes all her dainty dishes, her desserts, and her 
cakes and pies. She should help herself with all sorts 
of mechanical appliances. She should have the best 
of egg-beaters, sugar - sifters, bowls in plenty, and 
towels and aprons ad libitum. She has, if she be a 
systematic house-keeper, a store closet, which is her 
pride, with its neat, labelled spice-boxes, and its pots 
of pickles and preserves which she has made herself, 
and which, therefore, must be nice. 

The cooking of meat is a thing which so affects the 
health of people that every lady should study it thor- 
oughly. No roasts should be baked. The formulary 
sounds like a contradiction ; but it is the custom in 
houses where the necessity of saving labor is an im- 
portant consideration, to put the meat that should be 
roasted in the oven and bake it. This is very im* 
proper, as it dries up all the juice, which is the life- 
giving, life-sustaining property of the meat. 

Let every young house-keeper buy a Dutch oven, 
and either roast the meat before the coals of a good 



SYSTEM SHOULD BE STRICTLY ENFORCED. 355 

wood fire, or before the grating of a range, in which 
coals take the place of wood. By this method she 
saves those properties of a piece of roast beef which 
are the most valuable. Otherwise her roast meat will 
be a chip, a tasteless and a dry morsel, unpalatable 
and indigestible. 

The cooking of vegetables is also to be studied; 
potatoes should not be over-boiled or underdone, as 
they are exceedingly unhealthy if not properly cooked. 
Bread must be well kneaded and delicately baked ; a 
woman who understands the uses of fire — and every 
householder should — has stolen the secret of Prome- 
theus. 

On Thursday the maid must sweep the house thor- 
oughly, if there are heavy carpets, as this is work for 
the strong-armed and the strong-handed. The mis- 
tress can follow with the dusting-brush and the cloth, 
and, again, the maid may follow in her footstep with 
step-ladder, and wipe off mirrors and windows. 

Many ladies have a different calendar from this, 
and prefer to have their work done on different days; 
but whatever may be the system for the management 
of a house, it should be strictly carried out, and all 
the help that may accrue from punctuality and order 
rendered to a maid in the discharge of her arduous 
and multifarious duties. 

Most families have a sort of general house-cleaning 
on Friday : floors are scrubbed and brasses cleaned, 
the silver given a better cleansing, and the closets 
examined, the knives are scoured more thoroughly, 
and the lady puts her linen-closet in order, throwing 
sweet lavender between the sheets. On Saturday 



356 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES. 

more bread and cake are baked, the Sunday's dinner 
prepared, that the maid may have her Sunday after- 
noon out, and the busy week is ended with a clean 
kitchen, a well-swept and garnished house, and all the 
cooking done except the Sunday meat and vegetables. 
To conduct the business of a house through the 
week, with three meals each day, and all the work 
well done, by one maid, is a very creditable thing to 
the mistress. The "order which is Heaven's first 
law " must be her chief help in this difficult matter ; 
she must be willing to do much of the light work 
herself, and she must have a young, strong, willing 
maid. 



CHAPTER XLV. 

THE HOUSE WITH TWO SERVANTS. 

The great problem of the young or middle-aged 
house-keeper in large cities is how to form a neat, 
happy, comfortable home, and so to order the house 
that two servants can accomplish all its work. 

These two servants we call the cook and the waiter, 
and they must do all that there is to do, including the 
washing. 

When life was simpler, this was done without mur- 
muring; but now it is difficult to find good and 
trained servants, particularly in New York, who will 
fill such places. For to perform the work of a family 
— to black the boots, sweep and wash the sidewalk, 
attend the door and lay the table, help with the wash- 
ing and ironing, and make the fires, as well as sweep 
and dust, and take care of the silver — would seem to 
require the hands of Briareus. 

It is better to hire a girl " for general house-work," 
and train her for her work as waitress, than to take 
one who has done nothing else but wait at table. Be 
particular, when engaging a girl, to tell her what she 
has to do, as many of the lofty kind object particu- 
larly to blacking boots; and as it must be done, it is 
better to define it at once. 

A girl filling this position should have, first, the ad- 



358 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES. 

vantage of system, and the family must keep regular 
hours. She must rise at six, or earlier, if necessary, 
open the front-door and parlor-blinds, and the dining- 
room windows, and then proceed to cleanse the front 
steps and sidewalk, polish the bell-pull, and make all 
tidy about the mats. She must next make the fires, 
if fires are used in the house, and carry down the 
ashes, carefully depositing them where they will not 
communicate fire. She must then gather the boots 
and shoes from the doors of the sleeping-rooms, and 
take them to the laundry, where she should brush 
them, having a closet there for her brushes and black- 
ing. Having replaced the boots beside the respective 
doors to which they belong, she should make herself 
neat and clean, put on her cap and apron, and then 
prepare for laying the table for breakfast. This she 
does not do until she has brushed up the floor, caused 
the fire to burn brightly, and in all respects made the 
dining-room respectable. 

The laying of the table must be a careful and neat 
operation; a clean cloth should be put on, with the fold 
regularly running down the middle of the table, the 
silver and glass and china placed neatly and in or- 
der, the urn-lamp lighted, and the water put to boil, 
the napkins fresh and well -folded, and the chairs 
drawn up in order on either side. It is well worth 
a mistress's while to preside at this work for two 
or three mornings, to see that her maid understands 
her wishes. 

All being in order, the maid may ring a bell, or 
knock at the doors, or rouse the family as they may 
wish. 



DUTIES IX GENERAL HOUSE-WORK. 359 

When breakfast is over she removes the dishes, and 
washes the silver and china in the pantry. After 
putting everything away, and opening a window in 
the dining-room, she proceeds to the bedrooms. 

Every one should, before leaving his bedroom, open 
a window and turn back the clothes, to air the room 
and the bed thoroughly. If this has been neglected, 
it is the servant's business to do it, and to make the 
beds, wash the basins, and leave everything very 
clean. She must also dust the bureaus and tables 
and chairs, hang up the dresses, put away the shoes, 
and set everything in order. 

She then descends to the parlor floor, and makes 
it neat, and thence to the kitchen, where, if she has 
time, she does a little washing ; but if there is to be 
luncheon or early dinner, she cannot do much until 
that is prepared, particularly if it is her duty to an- 
swer a bell. In a doctor's house, or in a house where 
there are many calls, some one to attend exclusively 
at the door is almost indispensable. 

After the early dinner or lunch, the maid has a few 
hours' washing and ironing before getting ready for 
the late dinner or tea, which is the important meal 
of the day. If she is systematic, and the family are 
punctual, a girl can do a great deal of washing and 
ironing on Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday, even 
if she has to answer the bell ; but if she is not sys- 
tematic, and the meals are not at regular hours, she 
cannot do much. 

On Thursday, which we have already designated as 
sweeping day, she must sweep the whole house, all the 
carpets, shake the rugs in the back yard, shake and 



360 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES. . 

sweep down the heavy curtains, and dust the mirror- 
frames with a long feather-duster. The mistress can 
help her by insisting that her family shall leave their 
rooms early, and by herself refusing to see visitors on 
sweeping day. 

On Friday, in addition to the usual daily work, the 
silver must be polished, the brass rubbed, and the 
closets (which, in the hurry of the week's work, may 
have been neglected), carefully cleaned and ventilated. 
On Friday afternoon the napkins and towels should 
be washed. 

On Saturday these should be ironed, and every- 
thing, so far as possible, made ready for Sunday. 

The cook, meantime, should rise even earlier than 
the waiter; should descend in time to receive the 
milkman, the iceman, and the breadman ; should un- 
lock the basement-door, sweep out the hall, and take 
in the barrels which have been left out with the ashes 
and other refuse. 

A cook should be instructed never to give away the 
beef -dripping, as, if clarified in cold water, it is excel- 
lent for frying oysters, etc., and saves butter. The 
cook should air the kitchen and laundry, build the fire 
in the range, and sweep carefully before she begins 
to cook. 

A careful house-keeper takes care that her cook shall 
make her toilet in her room, not in the kitchen. Par- 
ticularly should she be made to arrange her hair up- 
stairs, as some cooks have an exceedingly nasty habit 
of combing their hair in the kitchen. It will repay 
a house-keeper to make several visits to the kitchen 
at unexpected hours. 



DUTIES OP A COOK. 361 

Cooks vary so decidedly in their way of preparing 
meals that no general directions can be given; but 
the best should be made to follow certain rules, and 
the worst should be watched and guarded. A great 
cleanliness as to pots and kettles, particularly the tea- 
kettle, should be insisted upon, and the closets, pails, 
barrels, etc., be carefully watched. Many a case of 
typhoid fever can be traced to the cook's slop-pail, or 
closets, or sink, and no lady should be careless of look- 
ing into all these places. 

A cook, properly trained, can get up a good break- 
fast out of remains of the dinner of the preceding day, 
or some picked-up cod-fish, toast, potatoes sliced and 
fried, or mashed, boiled, stewed, or baked. The mak- 
ing of good clear coffee is not often understood by 
the green Irish cook. The mistress must teach her 
this useful art, and also how to make good tea, al- 
though the latter is generally made on the table. 

With the sending up of the breakfast comes the 
first chance of a collision between cook and waiter; 
and disagreeable, bad-tempered servants make much 
of this opportunity. The cook in city houses puts 
the dinner on the dumb-waiter and sends it up to the 
waiter, who takes it off. All the heavy meat-dishes 
and the greasy plates are sent down to the cook to 
wash, and herein lies many a grievance which the mis- 
tress can anticipate and prevent by forbidding the use 1 
of the dumb-waiter if it leads to quarrelling, and by 
making the maids carry all the plates and dishes up 
and down. This course of treatment will soon cure 
them of their little tempers. 

In plain households the cook has much less to do 



362 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES. 

than the waiter ; she should therefore undertake the 
greater part of the washing and ironing. Many very- 
good cooks will do all the washing and ironing except 
the table linen and the towels used by the waiter ; and 
if this arrangement is made at first, no trouble ensues. 
The great trouble in most households comes from the 
fact that the work is not definitely divided, and that 
one servant declares that the other is imposing upon 
her. 

If a mistress is fair, honorable, strict, and attentive, 
she can thus carry on a large household (if there are 
no young children) with two energetic servants. She 
cannot, of course, have elegant house-keeping ; it is a 
very arduous undertaking to conduct a city house 
with the assistance of only two people. Many young 
house-keepers become discouraged, and many old ones 
do so as well, and send the washing and ironing to a 
public laundry. But as small incomes are the rule, 
and as most people must economize, it has been done, 
and it can be done. The mistress will find it to her 
advantage to have a very great profusion of towels 
and dusters, and also to supply the kitchen with every 
requisite utensil for cooking a good dinner, or for the 
execution of the ordinary daily work — such tools as 
an ice-hammer, a can-opener, plenty of corkscrews, 
a knife-sharpener and several large, strong knives, a 
meat-chopper and bread-baskets, stone pots and jars. 
The modern refrigerator has simplified kitchen- work 
very much, and no one who has lived long enough to 
remember when it was not used can fail to bless its 
airy and cool closets and its orderly arrangements. 

The "privileges" of these hard -worked servants 



"privileges should re respected 363 

should be respected. " An evening a week, and every 
other Sunday afternoon," is a formula not to be for- 
gotten. Consider what it is to them ! Perhaps a 
visit to a sick sister or mother, a recreation much 
needed, a simple pleasure, but one which is to them 
what a refreshing book, a visit to the opera, or a drive 
in the park, is to their employers. Only a very cruel 
mistress will ever fail to keep her promise to a faith- 
ful servant on these too infrequent holidays. 

The early Sunday dinner is an inconvenience, but 
it is due to the girls who count on their "Sunday 
out " to have it always punctually given to them. 

Many devout Catholics make their church -go- 
ing somewhat inconvenient, but they should not be 
thwarted in it. It is to them something more than it 
is to Protestants, and a devout Catholic is to be re- 
spected and believed in. No doubt there are very 
b ad-tempered and disagreeable girls who make a pre- 
tence of religion, but the mistress should be slow to 
condemn, lest she wrong one who is sincerely pious. 

In sickness, Irish girls are generally kind and ac- 
commodating, being themselves unselfish, and are apt 
to show a better spirit in a time of trouble than the 
Swedes, the Germans, or the Scotch, although the lat- 
ter are possessed of more intelligence, and are more 
readily trained to habits of order and system. The 
warm heart and the confused brain, the want of truth, 
of the average Irish servant will perplex and annoy 
while it touches the sympathies of a woman of gen- 
erous spirit. 

The women who would make the best house-ser- 
vants are New England girls who have been brought 



364 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES. 

up in poor but comfortable homes. But they will 
not be servants. They have imbibed the foolish idea 
that the position of a girl who does house -work is 
inferior in gentility to that of one who works in a 
factory, or a printing-office, or a milliner's shop. It 
is a great mistake, and one which fills the country 
with incapable wives for the working-man; for a 
woman who cannot make bread or cook a decent din- 
ner is a fraud if she marry a poor man who expects 
her to do it. 

That would be a good and a great woman who 
would preach a crusade against this false doctrine — 
who would say to the young women of her neighbor- 
hood, " I will give a marriage portion to any of you 
who will go into domestic service, become good cooks 
and waiters, and will bring me your certificates of effi- 
ciency at the end of five years." 

And if those who employ could have these clear 
brains and thrifty hands, how much more would they 
be willing to give in dollars and cents a month ! 



CHAPTER XLVI. 

THE HOUSE WITH MANY SERVANTS. 

A lady who assumes the control of an elegant house 
without previous training had better, for a year at 
least, employ an English house-keeper, who will teach 
her the system necessary to make so many servants 
work properly together; for, unless she knows how 
to manage them, each servant will be a trouble in* 
stead of a help, and there will be no end to that ex- 
asperating complaint, " That is not my work." 

The English house-keeper is given full power by 
her mistress to hire and discharge servants, to ar- 
range their meals, their hours, and their duties, so as 
to make the domestic wheels run smoothly, and to 
achieve that perfection of service which all who have 
stayed in an English house can appreciate. She is a 
personage of much importance in the house. She gen- 
erally dresses in moire antique, and is lofty in her man- 
ners. She alone, except the maid, approaches the mis- 
tress, and receives such general orders as that lady 
may choose to give. The house-keeper has her own 
room, where she takes her meals alone, or invites those 
whom she wishes to eat with her. Thus we see in 
English novels that the children sometimes take tea 
" in the house-keeper's room." It is generally a com* 
fortable and snug place. 



366 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES. 

But in this country very few such house-keepers 
can be found. The best that can be done is to secure 
the services of an efficient person content to be a ser- 
vant herself, who will be a care-taker, and will train 
the butler, the footmen, and the maid-servants in their 
respective duties. 

Twelve servants are not infrequently employed in 
large houses in this country, and in New York and 
at Newport often a larger number. These, with the 
staff of assistants required to cook and wash for them, 
form a large force for a lady to control. 

The house-keeper should hire the cook and scullery- 
maid, and be responsible for them ; she orders the 
dinner (if the lady chooses); she gives out the stores; 
the house linen is under her charge, and she must at- 
tend to mending and replenishing it ; she must watch 
over the china and silver, and every day visit all the 
bedrooms to see that the chamber-maids have done 
their duty, and that writing-paper and ink and pens 
are laid on the tables of invited guests, and that can- 
dles, matches, and soap and towels are in their re- 
spective places. 

A house-keeper should be able to make fine desserts, 
and to attend to all the sewing of the family, with 
the assistance of a maid — that is, the mending, and 
the hemming of the towels, etc. She should be firm 
and methodical, with a natural habit of command, and 
impartial in her dealings, but strict and exacting; 
she should compel each servant to do his duty, as she 
represents the mistress, and should be invested with 
her authority. 

It is she who must receive the dessert when it 



DUTIES OF THE BUTLER. 367 

comes from the dining-room, watch the half -emptied 
bottles of wine, which men-servants nearly always 
appropriate for their own use, and be, in all respects, 
a watch-dog for her master, as in large families ser- 
vants are prone to steal all that may fall in their 
way. 

Unfortunately a bad house-keeper is worse than 
none, and can steal to her heart's content. Such a 
one, hired by a careless, pleasure-loving lady in New 
York, stole in a twelvemonth enough to live on for 
several years. 

The house-keeper and the butler are seldom friends, 
and consequently many people consider it wise to hire 
a married couple competent to perform the duties of 
these two positions. If the two are honest, this is an 
excellent arrangement. 

The butler is answerable for the property put in 
his charge, and for the proper performance of the du- 
ties of the footmen under his control. He must be 
the judge of what men can and should do. He is 
given the care of the wine, although every gentleman 
should keep the keys, only giving just so much to the 
butler as he intends shall be used each day. The plate 
is given to the butler, and he is made responsible for 
any articles missing ; he also sees to the pantry, but 
has a maid or a footman to wash the dishes and 
cleanse the silver. All the arrangements for dinner 
devolve upon him, and when it is served he stands be- 
hind his mistress's chair. He looks after the foot- 
man who answers the bell, and takes care that he 
shall be properly dressed and at his post. 

In houses where there are two or three footmen the 



368 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES. 

butler serves breakfast, luncheon, tea, and dinner, as- 
sisted by such of his acolytes as he may choose. He 
should also wait upon his master, if required, see that 
the library and smoking-room are aired and in order, 
the newspaper brought in, the magazines cut, and the 
paper-knife in its place. Many gentlemen in this 
country send their butlers to market, and leave en- 
tirely to them the arrangement of the table. 

If there is but one footman in a large house, the 
butler has a great deal to do, particularly if the family 
be a hospitable one. When the footman is out with 
the carriage the butler answers the front-door bell, 
but in very elegant houses there are generally two 
footmen, as this is not strictly the duty of a butler. 

A lady's-maid is indispensable to ladies who visit 
much, but this class of servant is the most difficult 
to manage. Ladies'-maids must be told, when hired, 
that they can have no such position in America as 
they have in England: that they must make their own 
beds, wash their own clothing, and eat with the other 
servants. They must be first-rate hair-dressers, good 
packers of trunks, and understand dress-making and 
fine starching, and be amiable, willing, and pleasant. 
A woman who combines these qualifications commands 
very high wages, and expects, as her perquisite, her 
mistress's cast-off dresses. 

French maids are in great demand, as they have a 
natural taste in all things pertaining to dress and the 
toilet, but they are apt to be untruthful and treacher- 
ous. If a lady can get a peasant girl from some rural 
district, she will find her a most useful and valuable 
maid after she has been taught. 



the lady's-maid. 369 

Many ladies educate some clever girl who has been 
maid for the position of house-keeper, and such a per- 
son, who can be trusted to hire an assistant, becomes 
invaluable. She often accomplishes all the dress-mak- 
ing and sewing for the household, and her salary of 
thirty dollars a month is well earned. 

As the duties of a lady's-maid, where there are 
young ladies, include attending them in the streets and 
to parties, she should be a person of unquestioned re- 
spectability. The maid should bring up the^hot water 
for her ladies, and an early cup of tea, prepare their 
bath, assist at their toilet, put their clothes away, be 
ready to aid in every change of dress, put out their va- 
rious dresses for riding, dining, walking, and for after- 
noon tea, dress their hair for dinner, and be ready to find 
for them their gloves, shoes, and other belongings. 

A maid can be, and generally is, the most disagreea- 
ble of creatures; but some ladies have the tact to make 
good servants out of most unpromising materials. 

The maid, if she does not accompany her mistress 
to a party and wait for her in the dressing-room, 
should await her arrival at home, assist her to undress, 
comb and brush her hair, and get ready the bath. She 
should also have a cup of hot tea or chocolate in readi- 
ness for her. She must keep her clothes in order, 
sew new ruffles in her dresses, and do all the millinery 
and dress-making required of her. 

Very often the maid is required to attend to the 
brie - k - brae and pretty ornaments of the mantel, to 
keep fresh flowers in the drawing-room or bedroom, 
and, above all, to wash the pet dog. As almost all 
women are fond of dogs, this is not a disagreeable 



370 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES. 

duty to a French maid, and she gives Fifine his bath 
without grumbling. But if she be expected to speak 
French to the children, she sometimes rebels, particu- 
larly if she and the nurse should not be good friends. 

A lady, in hiring a maid, should specify the extra 
duties she will be required to perform, and thus give 
her the option of refusing the situation. If she ac- 
cepts it, she must be made strictly to account for any 
neglect or omission of her work. A maid with an 
indulgent mistress is free in the evenings, after eight 
o'clock, and every Sunday afternoon. 

In families where there are many children, two 
nurses are frequently required — a head nurse and an 
assistant. 

The nursery governess is much oftener employed 
now in this country than in former years. This posi- 
tion is often filled by well-mannered and well-educated 
young women, who are the daughters of poor men, and 
obliged to earn their own living. These young women, 
if they are good and amiable, are invaluable to their 
mistresses. They perform the duties of a nurse, wash 
and dress the children, eat with them and teach them, 
the nursery -maid doing the coarse, rough work of 
the nursery. If a good nursery governess can be 
found, she is worth her weight in gold to her em- 
ployer. She should not eat with the servants ; there 
should be a separate table for her and her charges. 
This meal is prepared by the kitchen-maid, who is a 
very important functionary, almost an under-cook, as 
the chief cook in such an establishment as we are de- 
scribing is absorbed in the composition of the grand 
dishes and dinners. 



371 

The kitchen-maid should be a good, plain cook, 
and clever in making the dishes suitable for chil- 
dren. Much of the elementary cooking for the din- 
ing-room, such as the foundation for sauces and soups, 
and the roasted and boiled joints, is required of her, 
and she also cooks the servants' dinner, which should 
be an entirely different meal from that served in the 
dining-room. Nine meals a day are usually cooked 
in a family living in this manner — breakfast for ser- 
vants, children, and the master and mistress, three ; 
children's dinner, servants' dinner, and luncheon, an- 
other three ; and the grand dinner at seven, the chil- 
dren's tea, and the servants' supper, the remaining 
three. 

Where two footmen are in attendance, the head 
footman attends the door, waits on his mistress when 
she drives out, carries notes, assists the butler, lays 
the table and clears it, and washes glass, china, and 
silver. The under-footman rises at six, makes fires, 
cleans boots, trims and cleans the lamps, opens the 
shutters and the front-door, sweeps down the steps, 
and, indeed, does the rougher part of the work be- 
fore the other servants begin their daily duties. 
Each should be without mustache, clean shaven, and 
clad in neat livery. His linen and white neck -tie 
should be, when he appears to wait on the family at 
table or in any capacity, immaculate. 

The servants' meals should be punctual and plente- 
ous, although not luxurious. It is a bad plan to feed 
servants on the luxuries of the master's table, but a 
good cook will be able to compound dishes for the 
kitchen that will be savory and palatable. 



CHAPTER XL VII. 

MANNERS. — A STUDY FOR THE AWKWARD AND 
THE SHY. 

It is a comfort to those of us who have felt the 
cold perspiration start on the brow, at the prospect of 
entering an unaccustomed sphere, to remember that 
the best men and women whom the world has known 
have been, in their day, afflicted with shyness. In- 
deed, it is to the past that we must refer when the 
terrible disease seizes us, when the tongue becomes 
dry in the mouth, the hands tremble, and the knees 
knock together. 

Who does not pity the trembling boy when, on the 
evening of his first party, he succumbs to this dread- 
ful malady ? The color comes in spots on his face, 
and his hands are cold and clammy. He sits down 
on the stairs and wishes he were dead. , A strange 
sensation is running down his back. " Come, Peter, 
cheer up," his mother says, not daring to tell him how 
she sympathizes with him. He is afraid to be afraid, 
he is ashamed to be ashamed. Nothing can equal 
this moment of agony. The whole room looks black 
before him as some chipper little girl, who knows not 
the meaning of the word " embarrassment," comes to 
greet him. He crawls off to the friendly shelter of 
a group of boy s, and sees the "craven of the play 
26 



AWKWARDNESS OF THE SHY YOUTH. 373 

ground, the dunce of the school," with a wonderful 
self-possession, lead off in the german with the pret- 
tiest girl. As he grows older, and becomes the young 
man whose duty it is to go to dinners and afternoon 
parties, this terrible weakness will again overcome 
him. He has done well at college, can make a very 
good speech at the club suppers, but at the door of 
a parlor he feels himself a drivelling idiot. He 
assumes a courage, if he has it not, and dashes into 
a room (which is full of people) as he would attack 
a forlorn hope. There is safety in numbers, and he 
retires to a corner. 

When he goes to a tea-party a battery of feminine 
eyes gazes at him with a critical perception of his 
youth and rawness. Knowing that he ought to be 
supremely graceful and serene, he stumbles over a 
footstool, and hears a suppressed giggle. He reach- 
es his hostess, and wishes she were the "cannon's 
mouth," in order that his sufferings might be end- 
ed ; but she is not. His agony is to last the whole 
evening. Tea-parties are eternal: they never end; 
they are like the old-fashioned ideas of a future 
state of torment — they grow hotter and more sti- 
fling. As the evening advances towards eternity 
he upsets the cream-jug. He summons all his will- 
power, or he would run away. No ; retreat is im- 
possible. One must di« at the post of duty. He 
thinks of all the formulas of courage — "None but the 
brave deserve the fair," " He either fears his fate too 
much, or his deserts are small," "There is no such 
coward as self -consciousness," etc. But these max- 
ims are of no avail. His feet are feet of clay, not 



374 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES. 

good to stand on, only good to stumble with. His 
hands are cold, tremulous, and useless. There is a 
very disagreeable feeling in the back of his neck, 
and a spinning sensation about the brain. A queer 
rumbling seizes his ears. He has heard that "con- 
science makes cowards of us all." What mortal 
sin has he committed? His moral sense answers 
back, "None. You are only that poor creature, a 
bashful youth." And he bravely calls on all his 
nerves, muscles, and brains to help him through this 
ordeal. He sees the pitying eyes of the woman to 
whom he is talking turn away from his countenance 
(on which he knows that all his miserable shyness 
has written itself in legible characters). "And this 
humiliation, too?" he asks of himself, as she brings 
him the usual refuge of the awkward — a portfolio of 
photographs to look at. Women are seldom troubled, 
at the age at which men suffer, with bashfulness or 
awkwardness. It is as if Nature thus compensated 
the weaker vessel. Cruel are those women, however, 
and most to be reprobated, who laugh at a bashful 
man! 

The sufferings of a shy man would fill a volume. It 
is a nervous seizure for which no part of his organiza- 
tion is to blame ; he cannot reason it away, he can 
only crush it by enduring it : " To bear is to conquer 
our Fate." Some men, finding the play not worth 
the candle, give up society and the world; others go 
on, suffer, and come out cool veterans who fear no 
tea-party, however overwhelming it may be. 

It is the proper province of parents to have their 
children taught all the accomplishments of the body, 



BASHFULNESS AMONG MEN. 375 

that they, like the ancient Greeks, may know that 
every muscle will obey the brain. A shy, awkward 
boy should be trained in dancing, fencing, boxing ; he 
should be instructed in music, elocution, and public 
speaking ; he should be sent into society, whatever it 
may cost him at first, as certainly as he should be sent 
to the dentist's. His present sufferings may save him 
from lifelong annoyance. 

To the very best men — the most learned, the most 
graceful, the most eloquent, the most successful — has 
come at some one time or other the dreadful agony 
of bashfulness. Indeed, it is the higher order of hu- 
man being that it most surely attacks ; it is the pre- 
cursor of many excellences, and, like the knight's 
vigil, if patiently and bravely borne, the knight is 
twice the hero. It is this recollection, which can 
alone assuage the sufferer, that he should always 
carry with him. He should remember that the com- 
pound which he calls himself is of all things most 
mixed. 

" The web of our life is of a mingled yarn, good 
and ill together." Two antagonistic races — it may 
be his Grandfather Brown and his Grandmother 
Williams — are struggling in him for the mastery; 
and their exceedingly opposite natures are pulling his 
arms and legs asunder. He has to harmonize this 
antagonism before he becomes himself, and it adds 
much to his confusion to see that poor little pre- 
tender, Tom Titmouse, talking and laughing and mak- 
ing merry. There are, however, no ancestral diver- 
sities fighting for the possession of Tom Titmouse. 
The grandfathers and grandmothers of Tom Titmouse 



376 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES. 

were not people of strong character ; they were a dec* 
orous race on both sides, with no heavy intellectual 
burdens, good enough people who wore well. But 
does our bashful man know this ? No. He simply 
remembers a passage in the " Odyssey " which Tom 
Titmouse could not construe, but which the bashful 
man read, to the delight of the tutor : 

a O gods ! How beloved he is, and how honored 
by all men to whatsoever land or city he comes ! He 
brings much booty from Troy, but we, having accom- 
plished the same journey, are returning home having 
empty hands !" And this messenger from Troy is 
Tom Titmouse ! 

Not that all poor scholars and inferior men have 
fine manners, nor do all good scholars and superior 
men fail in the drawing-room. No rule is without 
an exception. It is, however, a comfort to those who 
are awkward and shy to remember that many of the 
great and good and superior men who live in history 
have suffered, even as they suffer, from the pin-pricks 
of bashf ulness. The first refuge of the inexperienced, 
bashful person is often to assume a manner of ex- 
treme hauteur. This is, perhaps, a natural fence — or 
defence ; it is, indeed, a very convenient armor, and 
many a woman has fought her battle behind it 
through life. No doubt it is the armor of the many 
so-called frigid persons, male and female, who must 
either suffer the pangs of bashf ulness, or affect a cold° 
ness which they do not feel. Some people are natu- 
rally encased in a column of ice which they cannot 
break, but within is a fountain which would burst 
out at the lips in words of kindliness if only the 



EXAGGERATION OF MANNER A REFUGE. 377 

tongue could speak them. These limitations of nat« 
ure are very strange ; we cannot explain them. It 
is only by referring to Grandfather Brown and 
Grandmother Williams again that we understand 
them at all. One person will be furnished with very- 
large feet and very small hands, with a head dispro- 
portionately large for the body, or one as remarkably 
small. Differences of race must account for these 
eccentricities of nature ; we cannot otherwise explain 
them, nor the mental antagonisms. 

But the awkward and the shy do not always take 
refuge in a cold manner. Sometimes they study 
manner as they would the small-sword exercise, and 
exploit it with equal fervor. Exaggeration of man- 
ner is quite as common a refuge for these unfortu- 
nates as the other extreme of calmness. They ren- 
der themselves ridiculous by the lowness of their 
bows and the vivid picturesqueness of their speech. 
They, as it were, burst the bounds of the calyx, and 
the flower opens too wide. Symmetry is lost, grace- 
ful outline is destroyed. Many a bashful man, think- 
ing of Tom Titmouse, has become an acrobat in his 
determination to be lively and easy. He should re- 
member the juste milieu, recommended by Shakspeare 
when he says, 

" They are as sick that surfeit with too much, 
As they that starve with nothing." 

The happy people who are born unconscious of their 
bodies, who grow through life more and more grace- 
ful, easy, cordial, and agreeable ; the happy few who 
were never bashful, never nervous, never had clammy 



378 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES. 

hands, they need not read these pages — they are not 
written for such blessed eyes. It is for the well- 
meaning, but shy and awkward, people that the man- 
ners of artificial society are most useful. 

For the benefit of such persons we must " improve 
a ceremonial nicety into a substantial duty," else we 
shall see a cultivated scholar confused before a set of 
giggling girls, and a man who is all wisdom, valor, 
and learning, playing the donkey at an evening party. 
If he lack the inferior arts of polite behavior, who 
will take the trouble to discover a Sir Walter Raleigh 
behind his cravat ? 

A man who is constrained, uneasy, and ungraceful, 
can spoil the happiness of a dozen people. Therefore 
he is bound to create an artificial manner, if a natural 
one does not come to him, remembering always that 
"manners are shadows of virtues." 

The manners of artificial society have this to com- 
mend them: they meditate the greatest good to the 
greatest number. We do not like the word "arti- 
ficial," or to commend anything which is supposed 
to be the antipodes of the word " sincere," but it is a 
recipe, a doctor's prescription that we are recommend- 
ing as a cure for a disease. " Good manners are to 
special societies what good morals are to society in 
general — their cement and their security. True po- 
liteness creates perfect ease and freedom; it and its 
essence is to treat others as you would have others 
treat you." Therefore, as you know how embarrass- 
ing embarrassment is to everybody else, strive not to 
be embarrassed. 



CHAPTER XL VIII. 

HOW TO TREAT A GUEST. 

No one possessed of his senses would invite a per- 
son to his country house for the purpose of making 
him unhappy. At least so we should say at first 
thought. But it is an obvious fact that very many 
guests are invited to the country houses of their 
friends, and are made extremely miserable while there. 
They have to rise at unusual hours, eat when they 
are not hungry, drive or walk or play tennis when 
they would prefer to do everything else, and they are 
obliged to give up those hours which are precious to 
them for other duties or pleasures ; so that many peo- 
ple, after an experience of visiting, are apt to say, 
11 No more of the slavery of visiting for me, if you 
please !" 

Now the English in their vast country houses have 
reduced the custom of visiting and receiving their 
friends to a system. They are said to be in all re- 
spects the best hosts in the world, the masters of the 
letting-alone system. A man who owns a splendid 
place near London invites a guest for three days or 
more, and carefully suggests when he shall come and 
when he shall go — a very great point in hospitality. 
He is invited to come by the three o'clock train on 
Monday, and to leave by the four o'clock train on 



380 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES. 

Thursday. That means that he shall arrive before 
dinner on Monday, and leave after luncheon on Thurs- 
day. If a guest cannot accede to these hours, he must 
write and say so. Once arrived, he rarely meets his 
host or hostess until dinner-time. He is conducted to 
his room, a cup of tea with some light refreshment 
is provided, and the well-bred servant in attendance 
says at what hour before dinner he will be received 
in the drawing-room. It is possible that some member 
of the family may be disengaged and may propose 
a drive before dinner, but this is not often done; the 
guest is left to himself or herself until dinner. Gen- 
eral and Mrs. Grant were shown to their rooms at 
Windsor Castle, and locked up there, when they visit- 
ed the Queen, until the steward came to tell them 
that dinner would be served in half an hour; they 
were then conducted to the grand salon, where the 
Queen presently entered. In less stately residences 
very much the same ceremony is observed. The host- 
ess, after dinner and before the separation for the 
night, tells her guests that horses will be at their dis- 
posal the next morning, and also asks if they would 
like to play lawn-tennis, if they wish to explore the 
park, at what hour they will breakfast, or if they 
will breakfast in their rooms. " Luncheon is at one, 
and she will be happy to see them at that informal 
meal." 

Thus the guest has before him the enviable privi- 
lege of spending the day as he pleases. He need 
not talk unless he choose; he may take a book and 
wander off under the trees; he may take a horse and 
explore the county, or he may drive in a victoria, 



FREEDOM FROM RESTRAINT. 381 

phaeton, or any other sort of carriage. To a lady 
who has her letters to write, her novel to read, or her 
early headache to manage, this liberty is precious. 

It must also be said that no one is allowed to feel 
neglected in an English house. If a lady guest says, 
" I am a stranger ; I should like to see your fine 
house and your lovely park," some one is found to 
accompany her. Seldom the hostess, for she has 
much else to do ; but there is often a single sister, 
a cousin, or a very intelligent governess, who is sum- 
moned. In our country we cannot offer our guests 
all these advantages ; we can, however, offer them 
their freedom, and give them, with our limited hos- 
pitality, their choice of hours for breakfast and their 
freedom from our society. 

But the questioner may ask, Why invite guests, 
unless we wish to see them? We do wish to see 
them — a part of the day, not the whole day. No 
one can sit and talk all day. The hostess should 
have her privilege of retiring after the mid-day meal, 
with her novel, for a nap, and so should the guest. 
Well-bred people understand all this, and are glad to 
give up the pleasure of social intercourse for an hour 
of solitude. There is nothing so sure to repay one 
in the long run as these quiet hours. 

If a lady invites another to visit her at Newport 
or Saratoga, she should evince her thought for her 
guest's comfort by providing her with horses and 
carriage to pay her own visits, to take her own drives, 
or to do her shopping. Of course, the pleasure of 
two friends is generally to be together, and to do the 
same things ; but sometimes it is quite the reverse. 



382 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES, 

The tastes and habits of two people staying in the 
same house may be very different, and each should 
respect the peculiarities of the other. It costs little 
time and no money for an opulent Newport hostess 
to find out what her guest wishes to do with her day, 
and she can easily, with a little tact, allow her to be 
happy in her own way. 

Gentlemen understand this much better than ladies, 
and a gentleman guest is allowed to do very much as 
he pleases at Newport. No one asks anything about 
his plans for the day, except if he will dine at home. 
His hostess may ask him to drive or ride with her, 
or to go to the Casino, perhaps ; but if she be a well- 
bred woman of the world she will not be angry if he 
refuses. A lady guest has not, however, such free- 
dom; she is apt to be a slave, from the fact that as 
yet the American hostess has not learned that the 
truest hospitality is to let her guest alone, and to al- 
low her to enjoy herself in her own way. A thor- 
oughly well-bred guest makes no trouble in a house ; 
she has the instinct of a lady, and is careful that no 
plan of her hostess shall be disarranged by her pres- 
ence. She mentions all her separate invitations, de- 
sires to know when her hostess wishes her presence, 
if the carriage can take her hither and yon, or if 
she may be allowed to hire a carriage. 

There are hostesses, here and in England, who do 
not invite guests to their houses for the purpose of 
making them happy, but to add to their own impor- 
tance. Such hostesses are not apt to consider the in- 
dividual rights of any one, and they use a guest mere- 
ly to add to the brilliancy of their parties, and to make 



DUTIES OF A HOSTESS. 383 

tlie house more fashionable and attractive. Some ill- 
bred women, in order to show their power, even in- 
sult and illtreat the people who have accepted their 
proffered hospitality. This class of hostess is, fortu- 
nately, not common, but it is not unknown. 

A hostess should remember that, when she asks peo- 
ple to visit her, she has two very important duties 
to perform — one, not to neglect her guests ; the other, 
not to weary them by too much attention. Never 
give a guest the impression that he is "being enter- 
tained," that he is on your mind ; follow the daily 
life of your household and of your duties as you 
desire, taking care that your guest is never in an un- 
pleasant position or neglected. If you have a tire- 
some guest who insists upon following you around 
and weighing heavily on your hands, be firm, go to 
your own room, and lock the door. If you have a 
sulky guest who looks bored, throw open the libra- 
ry-door, order the carriage, and make your own es- 
cape. But if you have a very agreeable guest who 
shows every desire to please and be pleased, give that 
model guest the privilege of choosing her own hours 
and her own retirement. 

The charm of an American country-house is, gen- 
erally, that it is a home, and sacred to home duties. 
A model guest never infringes for one moment on 
the rights of the master of the house. She never 
spoils his dinner or his drive by being late ; she never 
sends him back to bring her parasol ; she never 
abuses his friends or the family dog ; she is careful 
to abstain from disagreeable topics ; she joins his 
whist-table if she knows how to play; but she ought 



384 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES. 

never to be obliged to rise an hour earlier than her 
wont because he wishes to take an early train for 
town. These early - morning, perfunctory breakfasts 
are not times for conversation, and they ruin the day 
for many bad sleepers. 

In a country neighborhood a hostess has sometimes 
to ask her guests to go to church to hear a stupid 
preacher, and to go to her country neighbors, to be- 
come acquainted with what may be the slavery of 
country parties. The guest should always be allowed 
to refuse these hospitalities ; and, if he be a tired 
townsman, he will prefer the garden, the woodland, 
the retirement of the country, to any church or tea- 
party in the world. He cannot enter into his host's 
interests or his neighbor's. Leave him to his sol 
itude if in that is his happiness. 

At Newport guest and hostess have often different 
friends and different invitations. When this is under- 
stood, no trouble ensues if the host and hostess go out 
to dinner and leave the guest at home. It often hap- 
pens that this is done, and no lady of good-breeding 
takes offence. Of course a nice dinner is prepared for 
her, and she is often asked to invite a friend to share it. 

On the other hand, the guest often has invitations 
which do not include the hostess. These should be 
spoken of in good season, so that none of the hostess's 
plans may be disarranged, that the carriage may be 
ordered in time, and the guest sent for at the proper 
hour. Well-bred people always accept these contin. 
gencies as a matter of course, and are never discon- 
certed by them. 

There is no office in the world which should be 



STRICT OBSERVANCE OF OBLIGATIONS. 385 

filled with such punctilious devotion, propriety, and 
self-respect as that of hostess ; and the young man 
who is asked to be her guest cannot treat her with too 
much respect. He should kiss her hand when she 
bids him good-morning, and after he leaves her house 
he should write to her the prettiest and most grateful 
of letters. If a lady ever allows her guest to feel that 
she is a cause of inconvenience, she violates the first 
rule of hospitality. If she fail in any way in her ob- 
ligations as hostess to a guest whom she has invited, 
she shows herself to be ill-bred and ignorant of the 
first principles of politeness. She might better invite 
twelve people to dinner and then ask them to dine on 
the pavement than ignore or withdraw from a written 
and accepted invitation, unless sickness or death afford 
the excuse ; and yet hostesses have been known to do 
this from mere caprice. But they were necessarily 
ill-bred people. 



CHAPTER XLIX. 

LADY AND GENTLEMAN. 

Thb number of questions asked by correspond- 
ents on the subject of the proper use of the familiar 
words lady and woman, and of the titles of married 
women, induces the reflection that the " woman" ques- 
tion is one which rivals in universal interest those of 
Nihilism, Irish rebellion, and the future presidency. 
It is not, however, of ultimate importance to a woman 
what she is called, as a rose by any other name would 
smell as sweet, but it is of importance to those who 
speak of her, because by their speech " shall ye know 
them," whether fashionable or unfashionable, whether 
old or young, whether well-bred or ill-bred, whether 
stylish or hopelessly rococo ! 

Nothing, for instance, can be in worse taste than to 
say " she is a beautiful lady," or " a clever lady." One 
should always say "beautiful woman" "clever wom- 
an." The would-be genteel make this mistake constant- 
ly, and in the Rosa-Matilda style of novel the gentleman 
always kneels to the lady, and the fair ladies are scat- 
tered broadcast through the book, while the fine old 
Saxon word " woman " is left out, or not properly used. 

Now it would be easy enough to correct this if we 
could only tell our correspondents always to use the 
word " woman." But unfortunately we are here con- 



USE OF TERMS "LADY" AND " WOMAN." 387 

strained to say that would be equally "bad form." 
No gentleman would say, " I am travelling with wom- 
en." He would say, " I am travelling with ladies." 
He would not say, "When I want to take my women 
to the theatre." He would say, " When I want to 
take my ladies." He would speak of his daughters 
as " young ladies," etc., etc. But if he were writing 
a novel about these same young ladies, he would avoid 
the word " lady " as feeble, and in speaking of emotions, 
looks, qualities, etc., he would use the word "woman." 

Therefore, as a grand generic distinction, we can 
say that " woman " should be used when the realities 
of life and character are treated of. " Lady " should 
be used to express the outside characteristics, the con- 
ditions of cultivated society, #nd the respectful, dis- 
tant, and chivalric etiquette which society claims for 
women when members thereof. 

Then, our querist may ask, Why is the term, " she 
is a beautiful lady" so hopelessly out of style? Why 
does it betray that the speaker has not lived in a 
fashionable set? Why must we say "nice woman," 
" clever woman," " beautiful woman," etc. 

The only answer to this is that the latter phraseol- 
ogy is a caprice of fashion into which plain-spoken 
people were driven by the affectations of the shabby- 
genteel and half -instructed persons who have ruined 
two good words for us by misapplication. One is 
"genteel," which means gentle, and the other is 
"lady," which means everything which is refined, cul- 
tivated, elegant, and aristocratic. Then as to the term 
"woman," this nomenclature has been much affected 
by the universal sans-culottism of the French Revolu- 



388 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES. 

tion, when the queen was called citoyenne. Much, 
again, from a different cause, comes from our own 
absurd want of self-respect, which has accrued in this 
confusion of etiquette in a republic, as for instance. 
"I am a lady — as much a lady as anybody — and I 
want to be called a lady," remarked a nurse who came 
for a situation to the wife of one of our presidents. 
" I have just engaged a colored lady as a cook," re- 
marked a nouveau riche. No wonder that when the 
word came to be thus misapplied the lover of good 
English undefiled began to associate the word "lady" 
with pretension, ignorance, and bad grammar. 

Still, no "real lady" would say to her nurse, "A 
woman is coming to stay with me." To servants the 
term " lady," as applied to a coming guest, is indis- 
pensable. So of a gentleman she would say to her 
servant, "A gentleman is coming to stay here for a 
week;" but to her husband or son she would say, 
" He is a clever man," rather than, " He is a clever 
gentleman." 

We might almost say that no women talk to men 
about " gentlemen," and no men talk to women about 
"ladies," in fashionable society. A woman in good 
society speaks of the hunting men, the dancing men, 
the talking men. She does not say " gentleman," un- 
less in some such connection as this, "No gentleman 
would do such a thing," if some breach of etiquette 
had occurred. And yet no man would come into a 
lady's drawing-room saying, "Where are the girls?" 
or "Where are the women?" He would say, "Where 
are the young ladies?" 

It therefore requires a fine ear and a fine sense of 
27 • 



CAKE IN SELECTION OF RIGHT WORD. 389 

modern fashion and of eternal propriety always to 
choose the right word in the delicate and almost un- 
settled estate of these two epithets. " Ladylike " can 
never go out of fashion. It is at once a v compliment 
of the highest order and a suggestion of subtle per- 
fection. The word " woman " does not reach up to 
this, because in its broad and strong etymology it may 
mean a washer - woman, a fighting woman, a coarse 
woman, alas! a drunken woman. If we hear of "a 
drunken lady," we see a downfall, a glimpse of better 
days; chloral, opium, even cologne, may have brought 
her to it. The word still saves her miserable reputa- 
tion a little. But the words a a drunken woman" 
merely suggest whiskey, degradation, squalor, dirt, 
and the tenement-house. 

It is evident, therefore, that we cannot do without 
the word "lady." It is the outgrowth of years of 
chivalric devotion, and of that progress in the history 
of woman which has ever been raising her from her 
low estate. Tathe Christian religion first does she owe 
her rise; to the institution of chivalry, to the growth 
of civilization since, has woman owed her continual 
elevation. She can never go back to the degradation 
of those days when, in Greece and Rome, she was not 
allowed to eat with her husband and sons. She waited 
on them as a servant. Now they in every country 
serve her, if they are gentlemen. But, owing to a 
curious twist in the way of looking at things, she is 
now undoubtedly the tyrant, and in fashionable society 
she is often imperiously ill-bred, and requires that her 
male slaves be in a state of servitude to which the 
Egyptian bondage would have been light frivolity. 



390 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES. 

American women are said to be faulty in manners, 
particularly in places of public amusement, in railway 
travelling,* in omnibuses, and in shops. Men complain 
very much that the fairer sex are very brutal on these 
occasions. " I wish women would behave like ladies" 
said a man at a matinee. "Yes," said his friend, "I 
wish they would behave like men." Just then a sharp 
feminine elbow was thrust into his chest. "I wish 
gentlemen would not crowd so," was the remark which 
accompanied the "dig under the fifth rib" from a 
person whom no one could call a lady. 

In speaking to a servant, either a lady or a gentle- 
man will ever be patient, courteous, kind, not presum- 
ing on his or her power. But there should always be 
a certain ceremony observed, and a term of respect 
to the person spoken of. Therefore a mistress will 
not say, when alluding to her daughters, or young fe- 
male guests, "Have the girls come in?" "Is Lucy 
home?" She will say : "Have the young ladies come 
in?" "Is Miss Lucy at home?" This sort of digni- 
fied etiquette has the happiest and the most beneficial 
result on the relations of mistress and servant. 

In modern literature the terms man and woman have 
nearly obliterated the words gentleman and lady, and 
we can hardly imagine a more absurd phrase than the 
following : " I asked Mary what she thought of Charles, 
and she said he was a beautiful gentleman, and Charles 
said that Mary was a lovely lady; so it was quite natural 
that I should try to bring them together," etc., etc. 

Still, in poetry we like the word lady. " If my lady 
loves me true," is much better than " if my woman 
loves me true " would be; so there, again, we have the 



THE CUSTOM IN ENGLISH SOCIETY. 391 

contradiction, for the Anglo-Saxon rule of using the 
word " woman " when anything real or sincere in emo- 
tion is in question is here honored in the breach. But 
this is one of the many shadowy conflicts which com- 
plicate this subject. 

The term " lady " is like the word " gentry " in Eng- 
land — it is elastic. All persons coming within the 
category of " gentry " may attend the Queen's Draw- 
ing-room, yet it is well understood that birth, wealth, 
association, and position give the raison d'etre for the 
use of such a privilege, and in that carefully guarded 
English society the wife or daughters of an officer in 
the navy or in a line regiment whose means are slen- 
der and whose position is obscure would not be jus- 
tified in presenting themselves at court. The same 
remark holds good of the wives and daughters of 
clergymen, barristers, doctors, authors, and artists, 
although the husband, if eminent, might attend a 
levee if he wished. Yet these women are very tena- 
cious of the title of lady, and no tradesman's wife 
would deny it to them, while she would not, if ever 
so rich, aspire to be called a lady herself. 

" I ain't no lady myself, but I can afford to have 
'em as governesses," remarked a Mrs. Kicklebury on 
the Rhine. She was not at all ashamed of the fact 
that she was no lady herself, yet her compeer and 
equal in America, if she kept a gin-shop, would insist 
upon the title of lady. 

A lady is a person of refinement, of education, of 
fashion, of birth, of prestige, of a higher grade of 
some sort, if we apply the term rightly. She may be 
out of place through loss of fortune, or she may have 



392 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES. 

sullied her title, but a something tells us that she is 
still a lady. We have a habit of saying, as some per- 
son, perhaps well decked out with fortune's favors, 
passes us, "She is not a lady," and every one will 
know what we mean. The phrase " vulgar lady," 
therefore, is an absurdity; there is no such thing; as 
well talk of a white blackbird; the term is self -contra- 
dictory. If she is vulgar, she is not a lady; but there 
is such a thing as a vulgar woman, and it is a very 
real thing. 

In England they have many terms to express the 
word " woman " which we have not. A traveller in 
the rural districts speaks of a " kindly old wife who 
received me," or a " wretched old crone," or a " sonsy 
lassie," or a "neat maid," etc. We should use the 
word "woman," or "old woman," or "girl," for all 
these. 

Now as to the term " old woman " or " old lady." 
The latter has a pretty sound. We see the soft white 
curls, so like floss silk, the delicate white camel's-hair 
shawl, the soft lace and appropriate black satin gown, 
the pretty old-fashioned manner, and we see that this 
is a real lady. She may have ber tricks of old-fash- 
ioned speech; they do not offend us. To be sure, she 
has no slang; she does not talk about " awfully jolly," 
or a "ghastly way off ;" she does not talk of the boys 
as being a "bully lot," or the girls as being "beastly 
fine ;" she does not say that she is " feeling rather 
seedy to-day," etc. No, "our old lady " is a "lady," 
and it would be in bad taste to call her an " old wom- 
an," which somehow sounds disrespectful. 

Therefore we must, while begging of our correspond- 



TITLES FOR MARRIED WOMEN. 393 

ents to use the word "woman" whenever they can, 
we must suggest that they should not entirely drop 
the word " lady." The real lady or gentleman is very 
much known by the voice, the choice of words, the 
appropriate term. Nothing can be better than to err 
on the side of simplicity, which is always better than 
gush, or over-effort, or conceit of speech. One may 
be "ignorant of the shibboleth of a good set," yet 
speak most excellent English. 

Thackeray said of George the Fourth that there 
was only one reason why he should not have been 
called the " first gentleman in Europe," and that was 
because he was not a gentleman. Therefore, while 
we see that birth does not always make a gentleman, 
we still get the idea that it may help to make one, as 
we do not readily connect the idea with Jeames, who 
was a "gentleman's gentleman." He might have 
been " fine," but not " noble." 

As for titles for married women, we have only the 
one word "Mrs.," not even the pretty French "Ma- 
dame." But no woman should write herself "Mrs." 
on her checks or at the foot of her notes ; nowhere 
but in a hotel register, or on a card, should she give 
herself this title, simple though it be. She is always, 
if she writes in the first person, "Mary Smith," even 
to a person she does not know. This seems to trouble 
some people, who ask, " How will such a person know 
I am married?" Why should they? If desirous of 
informing some distant servant or other person of that 
fact, add in a parenthesis beneath "Mary Smith" the 
important addenda, "Mrs. John Smith." 

When women are allowed to vote, perhaps further 



394 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES. 

complications may arise. The truth is, women have 
no real names. They simply are called by the name 
of father or husband, and if they marry several times 
may well begin to doubt their own identity. Happy 
those who never have to sign but one new name to 
their letters ! 

The new woman is bringing in an endless contra- 
diction in etiquette. "Once," said Bishop Potter, 
" woman was my superior ; alas ! now she is only my 
equal." A capital mot, which the new woman should 
consider. 



CHAPTER L. 

THE MANNERS OF THE PAST. 

In these days, amid what has been strongly stated 
as "the prevailing mediocrity of manners," a study 
of the manners of the past would seem to reveal to 
us the fact that in those days of ceremony a man who 
was beset with shyness need then have suffered less 
than he would do now in these days of impertinence 
and brass. 

A man was not then expected to enter a room and 
to dash at once into a lively conversation. The stately 
influence of the minuet de la cour was upon him ; he 
deliberately entered a room, made a low bow, and sat 
down, waiting to be spoken to. 

Indeed, we may go farther back and imagine our- 
selves at the court of Louis XIV., when the world 
was broadly separated into the two classes — the noble 
and the bourgeois. That world which Moliere divided 
in his dramatis personce into the courtier, the provin- 
cial noble, and the plain gentleman; and secondly, into 
the men of law and medicine, the merchant, and the 
shopkeeper. These divisions shall be for a moment 
considered. Now, all these men knew exactly, from 
the day when they reached ten years of age, how they 
were expected to behave in the sphere of life to which 
they were called. The marquis was instructed in 



396 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES. 

every art of graceful behavior, the bel air was taught 
him as we teach our boys how to dance, even more 
thoroughly. The grand seigneur of those days, the 
man who would not arrange the folds of his own cra- 
vat with his own hands, and who exacted an observ- 
ance as punctilious from his valets as if he were the 
king himself, that marquis of whom the great Moliere 
makes such fun, the courtier whom even the grand 
monarque liked to see ridiculed — this man had, never- 
theless, good manners. We see him reflected with 
marvellous fidelity in those wonderful comedies of 
the French Shakespeare ; he is more than the fashion 
of an epoch — he is one of the eternal types of human 
nature. We learn what a man becomes whose busi- 
ness is "deportment." Even despicable as he is in 
" Le Bourgeoise Gentilhomme" — flattering, borrowing 
money, cheating the poor citizen, and using his rank 
as a mask and excuse for his vices — we still read that 
it was such a one as he who took poor Moliere's cold 
hands in his and put them in his muff, when, on the 
last dreadful day of the actor's life (with a liberality 
which does his memory immortal honor), he strove to 
play, "that fifty poor workmen might receive their 
daily pay." It was such a one as this who was 
kind to poor Moliere. There was in the gens de eour 
a copy of fine feeling, even if they had it not. They 
were polite and elegant, making the people about 
them feel better for the moment, doing graceful acts 
courteously, and gilding vice with the polish of per- 
fect manners. The bourgeois, according to Moliere, 
was as bad a man as the courtier, but he had, also, 
brutal manners ; and as for the magistrates and mer- 



GENTLENESS BELONGS TO VIRTUE. 397 

chants, they were harsh and surly, and very sparing 
of civility. No wonder, when the French Revolution 
came, that one of the victims, regretting the not-yet- 
forgotten marquis, desired the return of the aristoc- 
racy; for, said he, "I would rather be trampled upon 
by a velvet slipper than a wooden shoe." 

It is the best definition of manners — a a velvet slip- 
per rather than a wooden shoe." We ask very little 
of the people whom we casually meet but that the 
salutation be pleasant; and as we remember how many 
crimes and misfortunes have arisen from sudden an- 
ger, caused sometimes by pure breaches of good man- 
ners, we almost agree with Burke that " manners are 
of more importance than laws. Upon them, in a great 
measure, the laws depend." 

Some one calls politeness "benevolence in trifles, 
the preference of others to ourselves in little, daily, 
hourly occurrences in the business of life, a better 
place, a more commodious seat, priority in being 
helped at table," etc. 

Now, in all these minor morals the marquis was a 
benevolent man; he was affable and both well and 
fair spoken, " and would use strange sweetness and 
blandishment of words when he desired to affect or 
persuade anything that he took to heart" — that is, with 
his equals. It is well to study this man, and to re- 
member that he was not always vile. The Prince of 
Conde had these manners and a generous, great heart 
as well. Gentleness really belongs to virtue, and a 
sycophant can hardly imitate it well. The perfect 
gentleman is he who has a strong heart under the 
silken doublet of a perfect manner. 



398 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES. 

We do not want all the decent drapery of life torn 
off; we do not want to be told that we are full of de- 
fects ; we do not wish people to show us a latent an- 
tagonism; and if we have in ourselves the elements of 
roughness, severity of judgment, a critical eye which 
sees defects rather than virtues, we are bound to 
study how to tone down that native, disagreeable 
temper — just as we are bound to try to break the icy 
formality of a reserved manner, and to cultivate a 
cordiality which we do not feel. Such a command 
over the shortcomings of our own natures is not insin- 
cerity, as we often find that the effort to make our- 
selves agreeable towards some one whom, we dislike 
ends in leading us to like the offending person. We 
find that we have really been the offender, going 
about with a moral tape-measure graduated by our- 
selves, and measuring the opposite party with a serene 
conceit which has called itself principle or honor, or 
some high-sounding name, while it was really nothing 
but prejudice. 

We should try to carry entertainment with us, and 
to seem entertained with our company. A friendly 
behavior often conciliates and pleases more than wit 
or brilliancy; and here we come back to those polished 
manners of the past, which were a perfect drapery, 
and therefore should be studied, and perhaps in a de- 
gree copijed, by the awkward and the shy, who cannot 
depend upon themselves for inspirations of agreeabil- 
ity. Emerson says that "fashion is good-sense enter- 
taining company; it hates corners and sharp points of 
character, hates quarrelsome, egotistical, solitary, and 
gloomy people, hates whatever can interfere with total 



THE SUCCESSFUL MAN BENDS EASILY. 399 

blending of parties, while it values all particularities 
as in the highest degree refreshing which can consist 
with good-fellowship." 

It does the awkward and the shy good to contem- 
plate these words. It may not immediately help them 
to become graceful and self-possessed, but it will cer- 
tainly have a very good effect in inducing them to 
try. 

We find that the successful man of the world has 
studied the temper of the finest sword. He can bend 
easily, he is flexible, he is pliant, and yet he has not 
lost the bravery and the power of his weapon. Men 
of the bar, for instance, have been at the trouble to 
construct a system of politeness, in which even an of- 
fensive self-estimation takes on the garb of humility. 
The harmony is preserved, a trial goes on with an 
appearance of deference and respect each to the other, 
highly, most highly, commendable, and producing law 
and order where otherwise we might find strife, ha- 
tred, and warfare. Although this may be a mimic 
humility, although the compliments may be judged 
insincere, they are still the shadows of the very high- 
est virtues. The man who is guarding his speech is 
ruling his spirit; he is keeping his temper, that fur- 
nace of all affliction, and the lofty chambers of his 
brain are cool and full of fresh air. 

A man who is by nature clownish, and who has 
what he calls a " noble sincerity," is very apt to do 
injustice to the polished man ; he should, however, 
remember that " the manner of a vulgar man has free* 
dom without ease, and that the manner of a gentle- 
man has ease without freedom." A man with an 



400 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES. 

obliging, agreeable address may be just a3 sincere as 
if he had the noble art of treading on everybody's 
toes. The " putter-down-upon-system " man is quite as 
often urged by love of display as by a love of truth; 
he is ungenerous, combative, and ungenial ; he is the 
"bravo of society." 

To some people a fine manner is the gift of nature. 
We see a young person enter a room, make himself 
charming, go through the transition period of boy to 
man, always graceful, and at man's estate aim to still 
possess that unconscious and flattering grace, that 
" most exquisite taste of politeness," which is a gift 
from the gods. He is exactly formed to please, this 
lucky creature, and all this is done for him by nature. 
We are disposed to abuse Mother Nature when we 
think of this boy's heritage of joy compared with her 
step-son, to whom she has given the burning blushes, 
the awkward step, the heavy self-consciousness, the 
uncourtly gait, the hesitating speech, and the bashful 
demeanor. 

But nothing would be omitted by either parent or 
child to cure the boy if he had a twisted ankle, so 
nothing should be omitted that can cure the twist 
of shyness, and therefore a shy young person should 
not be expected to confront such a trial. 

And to those who have the bringing up of shy 
young persons we commend these excellent words of 
Whately : "There are many otherwise sensible peo- 
ple who seek to cure a young person of that very 
common complaint — shyness — by exhorting him not 
to be shy, telling him what an awkward appearance 
it has, and that it prevents his doing himself justice, 



WHATELY ON SHYNESS. 401 

all of which is manifestly pouring oil on the fire to 
quench it; for the very cause of shyness is an over- 
anxiety as to what people are thinking of you, a mor- 
bid attention to your own appearance. The course, 
therefore, that ought to be pursued is exactly the re- 
verse. The sufferer should be exhorted to think as 
little as possible about himself and the opinion formed 
of him, to be assured that most of the company do 
not trouble their heads about him, and to harden him 
against any impertinent criticisms that he supposed 
to be going on, taking care only to do what is right, 
leaving others to say and to think what they will." 

All this philosophy is excellent, and is like the sen- 
sible archbishop. But the presence of a set of care- 
fully cultivated, artificial manners, or a hat to hold in 
one's hand, will better help the shy person when he is 
first under fire, and when his senses are about desert- 
ing him, than any moral maxims can be expected to do. 

Carlyle speaks of the fine manners of his peasant 
father (which he does not seem to have inherited), 
and he says : " I think that they came from his hav- 
ing, early in life, worked for Maxwell, of Keir, a 
Scotch gentleman of great dignity and worth, who 
gave to all thooe under him a fine impression of the 
governing classes." Old Carlyle had no shame in 
standing with his hat off as his landlord passed ; he 
had no truckling spirit either of paying court to those 
whose lot in life it was to be his superiors. 

Those manners of the past were studied ; they had, 
no doubt, much about them which we should now call 
stiff, formal, and affected, but they were a great help 
to the awkward and the shy. 



402 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES. 

In the past our ancestors had the help of cos- 
tume, which we have not. Nothing is more defence- 
less than a being in a dress-coat, with no pockets 
allowable in which he can put his hands. If a man 
is in a costume he forgets the sufferings of the coat 
and pantaloon.. He has a sense of being in a fortress. 
A military man once said that he always fought bet- 
ter in his uniform — that a fashionably cut coat and 
an every-day hat took all heroism out of him. 

Women, particularly shy ones, feel the effect of 
handsome clothes as a reinforcement. "There is an 
appui in a good gown," said Madame de Stael. There- 
fore, the awkward and the shy, in attempting to con- 
quer the manners of artificial society, should dress as 
well as possible. Perhaps to their taste in dress do 
Frenchmen owe much of their easy civility and their 
success in social politics ; and herein women are very 
much more fortunate than men, for they can always 
ask, " Is it becoming ?" and can add the handkerchief, 
fan, muff, or mantle as a refuge for trembling hands. 
A man has only his pockets ; he does not wish to 
always appear with his hands in them. 

Taste is said to be the instantaneous, ready appre- 
ciation of the fitness of things. To most of us who 
may regret the want of it in ourselves, it seems to be 
the instinct of the fortunate few. Some women look 
as if they had simply blossomed out of their inner 
consciousness into a beautiful toilet ; others are the 
creatures of chance, and look as if their clothes had 
been hurled at them by a tornado. 

Some women, otherwise good and true, have a sort 
of moral want of taste, and wear too bright colors, 



INAPPROPRIATE DRESS OFFENDS US. 403 

too many glass beads, too much hair, and a combina- 
tion of discordant materials which causes the heart of 
a good dresser to ache with anguish. This want of 
taste runs across the character like an intellectual 
bar-sinister, forcing us to believe that their conclu- 
sions are anything but legitimate. People who say 
innocently things which shock you, who put the lis- 
teners at a dinner-table upon tenter-hooks, are either 
wanting in taste or their minds are confused with 
shyness. 

A person thus does great injustice to his own moral 
qualities when he permits himself to be misrepresent- 
ed by that disease of which we speak. Shyness per- 
verts the speech more than vice even. But if a man 
or a woman can look down on a well-fitting, becoming 
dress (even if it is the barren and forlorn dress which 
men wore to parties in 1882), it is still an appici. 
We know how it offends us to see a person in a dress 
which is inappropriate. A chief -justice in the war- 
paint and feathers of an Indian chief would scarcely 
be listened to, even if his utterances were those of a 
Marshall or a Jay. 

It takes a great person, a courageous person, to bear 
the shame of unbecoming dress; and, no doubt, to a 
nature shy, passionate, proud, and poor, the necessity 
of wearing poor or unbecoming clothes has been an 
injury for life. He despised himself for his weakness, 
but the weakness remained. When the French Rev- 
olution came in with its sans-culotteism, and republi- 
can simplicity found its perfect expression in Thomas 
Jefferson, still, the prejudices of powdered hair and 
stiff brocades remained. They gradually disappeared, 



404 MANNEBS AND SOCIAL USAGES. 

and the man of the nineteenth century lost the advan- 
tages of becoming dress, and began anew the battle 
of life stripped of all his trappings. Manners went 
with these flowing accessaries, and the abrupt speech, 
curt bow, and rather exaggerated simplicity of the 
present day came in. 

But it is a not unworthy study — these manners of the 
past. We are returning, at least on the feminine side, 
to a great and magnificent " princess," or queenly, style 
of dress. It is becoming the fashion to make a courte- 
sy, to flourish a fan, to bear one's self with dignity 
when in this fine costume. Cannot the elegance, the 
repose* and the respectfulness of the past return also ? 



CHAPTER LI. 

THE MANNEES OF THE OPTIMIST. 

It is very easy to laugh at the optimist, and to ac- 
cuse him of " poetizing the truth." No doubt, an op- 
timist will see excellence, beauty, and truth where 
pessimists see only degradation, vice, and ugliness. 
The one hears the nightingale, the other the raven 
only. To one, the sunsetting forms a magic picture; 
to the other, it is but a presage of bad weather to- 
morrow. Some people seem to look at nature through 
a glass of red wine or in a Claude Lorraine mirror; 
to them the landscape has ever the bloom of summer 
or a spring-tide grace. To others, it is always cloudy, 
dreary, dull. The desolate ravine, the stony path, the 
blighted heath — that is all they can find in a book 
which should have a chapter for everybody. And the 
latter are apt to call the former dreamers, visionaries, 
fools. They are dubbed in society often flatterers, 
people whose " geese are all swans." 

But are those, then, the fools who see only the 
pleasant side? Are they alone the visionaries who see 
the best rather than the worst ? It is strange that the 
critics see only weakness in the " pleasant - spoken," 
and only truth and safety in those who croak. 

The person who sees a bright light in an eye other- 
wise considered dull, who distrusts the last scandal, 



406 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES. 

Is supposed to be foolish, too easily pleased, and want- 
ing in that wise scepticism which should be the hand- 
maid of common-sense; and if such a person in tell- 
ing a story poetizes the truth, if it is a principle or a 
tendency to believe the best of everybody, to take 
everybody at their highest note, is she any the less 
canny? Has she necessarily less insight? As there 
are always two sides to a shield, why not look at the 
golden one? 

An excess of the organ of hope has created people 
like Colonel Sellers in the play, who deluded himself 
that there were "millions in it," who landed in pov- 
erty and wrecked his friends; but this excess is scarce- 
ly a common one. Far more often does discourage- 
ment paralyze than does hope exalt. Those who have 
sunshine for themselves and to spare are apt to be 
happy and useful people; they are in the aggregate 
the successful people. 

But, although good - nature is temperamental, and 
although some men and women are, by their force of 
imagination and charity, forced to poetize the truth, 
the question remains an open one, Which is the near- 
est to truth, a pessimist or an optimist ? Truth is a 
virtue more palpable and less shadowy than we think. 
It is not easy to speak the unvarnished, uncorrupted 
truth (so the lawyers tell us). The faculty of obser- 
vation differs, and the faculty of language is variable. 
Some people have no intellectual apprehension of the 
truth, although they morally believe in it. People 
who abstractly revere the truth have never been able 
to tell anything but falsehoods. To such the power 
of making a statement either favorable or prejudicial 



POETIZING THE TRUTH. 407 

depends upon the mood of the moment, not upon fact. 
Therefore a habit of poetizing the truth would 
seem to be of either excess the safest. Society be- 
comes sometimes a hot-bed of evil passions — one per- 
son succeeds at the expense of another. How severe 
is the suffering proceeding from social neglect and 
social stabs! It might, much of it, be smoothed away 
by poetizing the truth ever so little. Instead of 
bearing an ill-natured message, suppose we carry an 
amiable one. Instead of believing that an insult was 
intended, suppose a compliment. 

" Should he upbraid, I'll own that he prevail, 
And sing more sweetly than the nightingale! 
Say that he frown, I'll own his looks I view 
Like morning roses newly dipped in dew." 

People who are thus calmly serene and amiable 
through the frowns and smiles, the ups and downs, of 
a social career are often called worldly. 

Well, let us suppose that they are. Some author has 
wisely said: "That the world should be full of world- 
liness seems as right as that a stream should be full of 
water or a living body full of blood." To conquer 
this world, to get out of it a full, abounding, agreeable 
life, is what we are put here for. Else, why such gifts 
as beauty, talent, health, wit, and a power of enjoy- 
ment be given to us ? To be worldly, or worldlings, 
is supposed to be incurring the righteous anger of the 
good. But is it not improperly using a term of im- 
plied reproach ? For, although the world may be too 
much with us, and a worldling may be a being not 
filled to the brim with the deeper qualities or the 



408 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES. 

highest aims, still he is a man necessary to the day, 
the hour, the sphere which must be supplied with peo- 
ple fitted to its needs. So with a woman in society. 
She must be a worldling in the best sense of the word. 
She must keep up her corner of the great mantle of 
the Field of the Cloth of Gold. She must fill the so- 
cial arena with her influence; for in society she is a 
most important factor. 

Then, as a "complex overgrowth of wants and frui- 
tions " has covered our world as with a banyan-tree, 
we must have something else to keep alive our um- 
brageous growth of art, refinement, inventions, luxu- 
ries, and delicate sensibilities. We must have wealth. 

" Wealth is the golden essence of the outer world," 

and therefore to be respected. 

Of course the pessimist sees purse-pride, pompous 
and outrageous arrogance, a cringing of the pregnant 
hinges of the knee, false standards, and a thousand 
faults in this admission. And yet the optimist finds 
the " very rich," with but few exceptions, amiable, 
generous, and kindly, often regretting that poorer 
friends will allow their wealth to bar them off, wish- 
ing often that their opulence need not shut them off 
from the little dinners, the homely hospitality, the 
small gifts, the sincere courtesies of those whose 
means are moderate. The cheerful people who are 
not dismayed by the superior magnificence of a friend 
are very apt to find that friend quite as anxious for 
sympathy and for kindness as are the poor, especially 
if his wealth has caused him, almost necessarily, to 
live upon the superficial and the external in life. 



PESSIMIST AND OPTIMIST. 409 

We all know that there is a worldly life, poor in 
aim and narrow in radius, which is as false as possi- 
ble. To live only for this world, with its changing 
fashions, its imperfect judgments, its toleration of 
snobs and of sinners, its forgiveness of ignorance 
under a high-sounding name, its exaggeration of the 
transient and the artificial, would be a poor life in- 
deed. But, if we can lift ourselves up into the high- 
er comprehension of what a noble thing this world 
really is, we may well aspire to be worldlings. 

Julius Caesar was a worldling ; so was Shakespeare. 
Erasmus was a worldling. We might increase the 
list indefinitely. These men brought the loftiest tal- 
ents to the use of worldly things. They showed how 
great conquest, poetry, thought might become used 
for the world. They were full of this world. 

To see everything through a poetic vision (the only 
genuine idealization) is and has been the gift of the 
benefactors of our race. Beranger was of the world, 
worldly; but can we give him up? So were the great 
artists who flooded the world with light — Titian, Tin- 
toretto, Correggio, Raphael, Rubens, Watteau. These 
men poetized the truth. Life was a brilliant drama, 
a splendid picture, a garden ever fresh and fair. 

The optimist carries a lamp through dark, social ob- 
structions. " I would fain bind up many wounds, if I 
could be assured that neither by stupidity nor by mal- 
ice I need make one!" is her motto, the true optimist. 

It is a fine allegory upon the implied power of so- 
ciety that the poet Marvell used when he said he 
" would not drink wine with any one to whom he 
could not trust his life." 



410 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES. 

Titian painted his women con amove. There was a 
careful shadow or drapery which hid the defects, 
which none of us are without ; but defects to 
the eye of the optimist make beauty more attrac- 
tive by contrast ; in a portrait they may better be 
hidden. 

To poetize the truth, in the science of charity 
and forgiveness, can never be a great sin. If it is 
one, the recording angel will probably drop a tear. 
This tendency to optimism is, we think, more like 
that magic wand which the great idealist waved over 
a troubled sea, or like those sudden sunsets after a 
storm, which not only control the wave, but gild the 
leaden mass with crimson and unexpected gold, 
whose brightness may reach some storm-driven sail, 
giving it the light of hope, bringing the ship to a 
well-defined and hospitable shore, and regulating, 
with a new attraction, the lately distracted compass. 
Therefore, we do not hesitate to say that the philoso- 
phy, and the creed, and the manners of the optimist 
are good for society. However, his excellence may 
well be criticised ; it may even sometimes take its 
place amid those excesses which are catalogued as 
amid the " deformities of exaggerated virtues." We 
may be too good, some of us, in one single direction. 

But the rounded and harmonious Greek calm is hard 
to find. "For repose and serenity of mind," says a 
modern author, " we must go back to the Greek tem- 
ple and statue, the Greek epic and drama, the Greek 
oration and moral treatise ; and modern education 
will never become truly effectual till it brings more 
minds into happy contact with the ideal of a bal* 



TENDENCY TO OPTIMISM. 411 

anced, harmonious development of all the powers of 
mind, body, conscience, and heart." 

And who was a greater optimist than your Atheni- 
an? He had a passionate love of nature, a rapt and 
infinite adoration of beauty, and he diffused the splen- 
did radiance of his genius in making life more attrac- 
tive and the grave less gloomy. Perhaps we of a bright- 
er faith and a more certain revelation may borrow 
something from this " heathen " Greek. 



CHAPTER LII. 

THE MANNERS OF THE SYMPATHETIC. 

Sympathy is the most delicate tendril of the mind 5 
and the most fascinating gift which nature can give 
to us. The most precious associations of the human 
heart cluster around the word, and we love to remem- 
ber those who have sorrowed with us in sorrow, and 
rejoiced with us when we were glad. But for Xhe 
awkward and the shy, the sympathetic are the very 
worst company. They do not wish to be sympathized 
with — they wish to be with people who are cold and 
indifferent; they like shy people like themselves. Put 
two shy people in a room together, and they begin to 
talk with unaccustomed glibness. A shy woman al- 
ways attracts a shy man. But women who are gifted 
with that rapid, gay impressionability which puts them 
en rapport with their surroundings, who have fancy 
and an excitable disposition, a quick susceptibility to 
the influences around them, are very charming in gen- 
eral society, but they are terrible to the awkward and 
the shy. They sympathize too much, they are too 
aware of that burning shame which the sufferer de- 
sires to conceal. 

The moment that a shy person sees before him a 
perfectly unsympathetic person, one who is neither 
thinking nor caring for him, his shyness begins to flee; 



ANECDOTE OP HAWTHORNE'S SHYNESS. 413 

the moment that he recognizes a fellow- sufferer he 
begins to feel a reinforcement of energy. If he be a 
lover, especially, the almost certain embarrassment of 
the lady inspires him with hope and with renewed 
courage. A woman who has a bashful lover, even if 
she is afflicted with shyness, has been known to find a 
way to help the poor fellow out of his dilemma more 
than once. Hawthorne, who has left us the most com- 
plete and most tragic history of shyness w^hich belongs 
to " that long rosary on which the blushes of a life are 
strung," found a woman (the most perfect character, 
apparently, who ever married and made happy a great 
genius) who, fortunately for him, was shy naturally, 
although without that morbid shyness which accom- 
panied him through life. Those who knew Mrs. Haw- 
thorne later found her possessed of great fascination of 
manner, even in general society, where Hawthorne was 
quite impenetrable. The story of his running down 
to the Concord River and taking boat to escape his 
visitors has been long familiar to us all. Mrs. Haw- 
thorne, no doubt, with a woman's tact and a woman's 
generosity, overcame her own shyness in order to re- 
ceive those guests whom Hawthorne ran away from, 
and through life remained his better angel. It was 
through this absence of expressed sympathy that Eng- 
lish people became very agreeable to Hawthorne. He 
describes, in his " Note Book," a speech made by him 
at a dinner in England : " When I was called upon," 
he says, "I rapped my head, and it returned a hollow 
sound." 

He had, however, been sitting next to a shy English 
lawyer, a man who won upon him by his quiet, unob- 



414 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES. 

trusive simplicity, and who, in some well-chosen words, 
rather made light of dinner-speaking and its terrors. 
When Hawthorne finally got up and made his speech, 
his "voice, meantime, having a far-off and remote 
echo," and when, as we learn from others, a burst of 
applause greeted the few well-chosen words drawn up 
from that full well of thought, that pellucid rill of 
"English undefiled," the unobtrusive gentleman by 
his side applauded, and said to him, " It was hand- 
somely done." The compliment pleased the shy man. 
It is the only compliment to himself which Hawthorne 
ever recorded. 

Now, had Hawthorne been congratulated by a sym- 
pathetic, effusive American who had clapped him on 
the back, and who had said, "Oh, never fear — you will 
speak well!" he would have said nothing. The shy 
sprite in his own eyes would have read in his neigh- 
bor's eyes the dreadful truth that his sympathetic 
neighbor would have indubitably betrayed — a fear 
that he would not do well. The phlegmatic and stony 
Englishman neither felt nor cared whether Hawthorne 
spoke well or ill ; and, although pleaded that he did 
speak well, invested no particular sympathy in the 
matter, either for or against, and so spared Haw- 
thorne's shyness the last bitter drop in the cup, which 
would have been a recognition of his own moral dread. 
Hawthorne bitterly records his own sufferings. He 
says, in one of his books, " At this time I acquired this 
accursed habit of solitude." It has been said that the 
Hawthorne family were, in the earlier generation, af- 
flicted with shyness almost as a disease — certainly a 
curious freak of nature in a family descended from 



A PROBABLE OUTCOME OF SHYNESS. 415 

robust sea-captains. It only goes to prove how far 
away are the influences which control our natures and 
our actions. 

Whether, if Hawthorne had not been a shy man, 
afflicted with a sort of horror of his species at times, 
always averse to letting himself go, miserable and 
morbid, we should have been the inheritors of the great 
fortune which he has left us, is not for us to decide. 
Whether we should have owned " The Gentle Boy," 
the immortal " Scarlet Letter," " The House with 
Seven Gables," the "Marble Faun," and all the 
other wonderful things which grew out of that se- 
cluded and gifted nature, had he been born a cheer- 
ful, popular, and sympathetic boy, with a dancing- 
school manner, instead of an awkward and shy 
youth (although an exceedingly handsome one), we 
cannot tell. That is the great secret behind the veil. 
The answer is not yet made, the oracle has not 
spoken, and we must not invade the penumbra of 
genius. 

It has always been a comfort to the awkward and 
the shy that Washington could not make an after- 
dinner speech ; and the well-known anecdote — " Sit 
down, Mr. Washington, your modesty is even greater 
than your valor " — must have consoled many a voice- 
less hero. Washington Irving tried to welcome 
Dickens, but failed in the attempt, while Dickens was 
as voluble as he was gifted. Probably the very sur- 
roundings of sympathetic admirers unnerved both 
Washington and Irving, although there are some men 
who can never " speak on their legs," as the saying 
goes, in any society. 



416 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES. 

Other shy men — men who fear general society, and 
show embarrassment in the every-day surroundings — 
are eloquent when they get on their feet. Many a 
shy boy at college has astonished his friends by his 
ability in an after-dinner speech. Many a voluble 5 
glib boy, who has been appointed the orator of the oc- 
casion, fails utterly, disappoints public expectation, 
and sits down with an uncomfortable mantle of failure 
upon his shoulders. Therefore, the ways of shyness 
are inscrutable. Many a woman who has never known 
what it was to be bashful or shy has, when called 
upon to read a copy of verses, even to a circle of in- 
timate friends, lost her voice, and has utterly broken 
down, to her own and her friends' great astonish- 
ment. 

The voice is a treacherous servant ; it deserts us, 
trembles, makes a failure of it, is " not present or ac- 
counted for" often when we need its help. It is not 
alone in the shriek of the hysterical that we learn of 
its lawlessness, it is in its complete retirement. A 
bride, often, even when she felt no other embarrass- 
ment, has found that she had no voice with which to 
make her responses. It simply was not there ! 

A lady who was presented at court, and who felt — 
as she described herself — wonderfully at her ease, be- 
gan talking, and, without wishing to speak loud, dis- 
covered that she was shouting like a trumpeter. The 
somewhat unusual strain which she had put upon her- 
self, during the ordeal of being presented at the Eng- 
lish court, revenged itself by an outpouring of voice 
which she could not control. 

Many shy people have recognized in themselves this 



THE UNCERTAINTY OF THE VOICE. 417 

curious and unconscious elevation of the voice. It is 
not so common as a loss of voice, but it is quite as un- 
controllable. 

The bronchial tubes play us another trick when we 
are frightened: the voice is the voice of somebody 
else, it has no resemblance to our own. Ventriloquism 
might well study the phenomena of shyness, for the 
voice becomes bass that was treble, and soprano that 
which was contralto. 

" I dislike to have Wilthorpe come to see me," said 
a very shy woman — "I know my voice will squeak 
so." With her Wilthorpe, who for some reason drove 
her into an agony of shyness, had the effect of mak- 
ing her talk in a high, unnatural strain, excessively 
fatiguing. 

The presence of one's own family, who are naturally 
painfully sympathetic, has always had upon the bash- 
ful and the shy a most painful effect. 

"I can never plead a cause before my father." 
" Nor I before my son," said two distinguished law- 
yers. "If mamma is in the room, I shall never be 
able to get through my part," sa?d a young amateur 
actor. 

But here we must pause to note another exception 
in the laws of shyness. 

In the false perspective of the stage shyness often 
disappears. The shy man, speaking the words, and 
assuming the character of another, often loses his shy- 
ness. It is himself of w T hom he is afraid, not of Tony 
Lumpkin or of Charles Surface, of Hamlet or of Claude 
Melnotte. Behind their masks he can speak well; but 
if he at his own dinner - table essays to speak, and 



418 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES. 

mamma watches him with sympathetic eyes, and hie 
brothers and sisters are all listening, he fails. 

" Lord Percy sees me fall." 

Yet it is with our own people that we must stand or 
fall, live or die ; it is in our own circle that we must 
conquer our shyness. 

Now, these reflections are not intended as an argu- 
ment against sympathy properly expressed. A rea- 
sonable and judiciously expressed sympathy with our 
fellow-beings is the very highest attribute of our nature. 
" It unravels secrets more surely than the highest crit- 
ical faculty. Analysis of motives that sway men and 
women is like the knife of the anatomist : it works on 
the dead. Unite sympathy to observation, and the 
dead spring to life." It is thus to the shy, in their 
moments of tremor, that we should endeavor to be 
calmly unsympathetic ; not cruel, but indifferent, un- 
observant. 

Now, women of genius who obtain a reflected com- 
prehension of certain aspects of life through sympathy 
often arrive at the admirable result of apprehending 
the sufferings of the shy without seeming to observe 
them. Such a woman, in talking to a shy man, will 
not seem to see him ; she will prattle on about herself, 
or tell some funny anecdote of how she was tumbled 
out into the snow, or how she spilled her glass of 
claret at dinner, or how she got just too late to the 
lecture ; and while she is thus absorbed in her little 
improvised autobiography, the shy man gets hold of 
himself and ceases to be afraid of her. This is the 
secret of tact. 



THE SHYNESS OF MADAME RECAMIER. 419 

Madame Recamier, the famous beauty, was always 
somewhat shy. She was not a wit, but she possessed 
the gift of drawing out what was best in others. Her 
biographers have blamed her that she had not a more 
impressionable temper, that she was not more sympa- 
thetic. Perhaps (in spite of her courage when she 
took up contributions in the churches dressed as a 
Neo- Greek) she was always hampered by shyness. 
She certainly attracted all the best and most gifted 
of her time, and had a noble fearlessness in friend- 
ship, and a constancy which she showed by following 
Madame de Stael into exile, and in her devotion to 
Ballenche and Chateaubriand. She had the genius of 
friendship, a native sincerity, a certain reality of nat- 
ure — those fine qualities which so often accompany the 
shy that we almost, as we read biography and history, 
begin to think that shyness is but a veil for all the 
virtues. 

Perhaps to this shyness, or to this hidden sympathy, 
did Madame Recamier owe that power over all men 
which survived her wonderful beauty. The blind and 
poor old woman of the Abbaye had not lost her charm ; 
the most eminent men and women of her day followed 
her there, and enjoyed her quiet (not very eloquent) 
conversation. She had a wholesome heart; it kept her 
from folly when she was young, from a too over-facile 
sensitiveness to which an impressionable, sympathetic 
temperament would have betrayed her. Her firm, 
sweet nature was not flurried by excitement ; she had 
a steadfastness in her social relations which has left 
behind an everlasting renown to her name. 



420 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES. 

And what are, after all, these social relations which 
call for so much courage, and which can create so 
much suffering to most of us as we conquer for them 
our awkwardness and our shyness? Let us pause for 
a moment, and try to be just. Let us contemplate 
these social ethics, which call for so much that is, 
perhaps, artificial and troublesome and contradictory. 
Society, so long as it is the congregation of the good, 
the witty, the bright, the intelligent, and the gifted, 
is the thing most necessary to us all. We are apt to 
like it and its excitements almost too well, or to hate 
it, with its excesses and its mistakes, too bitterly. 
We are rarely just to society. 

The rounded and harmonious and temperate under- 
standing and use of society is, however, the very end 
and aim of education. We are born to live with each 
other and not for ourselves ; if we are cheerful, our 
cheerfulness was given to us to make bright the lives 
of those about us; if we have genius, that is a sacred 
trust; if we have beauty, wit, joyousness, it was given 
us for the delectation of others, not for ourselves; if 
we are awkward and shy, we are bound to break the 
crust and to show that within us is beauty, cheerful- 
ness, and wit. " It is but the fool who loves excess." 
The best human being should moderately like society. 



CHAPTER LIII. 

CERTAIN QUESTIONS ANSWERED. 

We are asked by a correspondent as to when a gen- 
tleman should wear his hat and when take it off. A 
gentleman wears his hat in the street, on a steamboat 
deck, raising it to a lady acquaintance; also in a prom- 
enade concert -room and picture-gallery. He never 
wears it in a theatre or opera-house, and seldom in 
the parlors of a hotel. The etiquette of raising the 
hat on the staircases and in the halls of a hotel as 
gentlemen pass ladies is much commended. In Eu- 
rope each man raises his hat as he passes a bier, or if 
a hearse carrying a dead body passes him. In this 
country men simply raise their hats as a funeral cor- 
t'ege passes into a church, or at the grave. If a gen- 
tleman, particularly an elderly one, takes off his hat 
and stands uncovered in a draughty place, as the 
foyer of an opera-house, while talking to ladies, it is 
proper for one of them to say, "Pray resume your 
hat" — a delicate attention deeply prized by a respect- 
ful man, who, perhaps, would not otherwise cover his 
head. 

Again, our young lady friends ask us many questions 
on the subject of propriety, showing how anxious they 
are to do right, but also proving how far they are 
from apprehending what in Old-World customs has 



422 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES. 

been always considered propriety. In our new coun- 
try the relations of men and women are necessarily 
simple. The whole business of etiquette is, of course, 
reduced to each one's sense of propriety, and the stand- 
ard must be changed as the circumstances demand. 
As, for instance, a lady writes to know if she should 
thank a gentleman for paying for her on an excur- 
sion. Now this involves a long answer. In Europe 
no young lady could accept an invitation to go as the 
guest of a young gentleman on a an excursion," and 
allow him to pay for her, without losing much reputa- 
tion. She would not in either England or France be 
received in society again. She should be invited by 
the gentleman through her father or mother, and one 
or both should accompany her. Even then it is not 
customary for gentlemen to invite ladies to go on an 
excursion. He could invite the lady's mother to chap- 
eron a theatre party which he had paid for. 

Another young lady asks if she could with propri- 
ety buy the tickets and take a young gentleman to 
the theatre. Of course she could, if her mother or 
chaperon would go with her; but even then the moth- 
er or chaperon should write the note of invitation. 

But in our free country it is, we hear, particularly 
in the West, allowable for a young lady and gentle- 
man to go off on "an excursion" together, the gen- 
tleman paying all the expenses. If that is allowed, 
then, of course — to answer our correspondent's ques- 
tion — she should thank him. But if we were to an- 
swer the young lady's later question, " Would this be 
considered etiquette ?" we should say, decidedly, No. 
It may be a rustic custom, but it is very reprehensible. 



INFORMATION AS TO ETIQUETTE. £23 

Another question which we are perpetually asked 
is this: How to allow a gentleman a proper degree of 
friendly intimacy without allowing him to think him- 
self too much of a favorite. Here we cannot bring 
in either etiquette or custom to decide. One very 
general law would be not to accept too many atten- 
tions, to show a cfertain reserve in dancing with him 
or driving with him. It is always proper for a gen- 
tleman to take a young lady out to drive in his dog- 
cart with his servant behind, if her parents approve ; 
but if it is done very often, of course it looks con- 
spicuous, and the lady runs the risk of being consid- 
ered engaged. And she knows, of course, whether 
her looks and words give him reason to think that he 
is a favorite. She must decide all that herself. 

Another writes to ask us if she should take a gen- 
tleman's hat and coat when he calls. Never. Let 
him take care of those. Christianity and chivalry, 
modern and ancient custom, make a man the ser- 
vant of women. The old form of salutation used by 
Sir Walter Raleigh and other courtiers was always, 
" Your servant, madam," and it is the prettiest and 
most admirable way for a man to address a woman 
in any language. 

Another asks if she should introduce a gentleman 
who calls on her to her mother. This, we should say, 
would answer itself did not the question reappear. Of 
course she should; and her mother should always sit 
with her when she is receiving a call from a gentleman. 

But if in our lesser fashionable circles the restric- 
tions of etiquette are relaxed, let a young lady always 
remember these general principles, that men will like 



424 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES. 

and respect her far better if she is extremely particu- 
lar about allowing them to pay for her, if she refuses 
two invitations out of three, if she is dignified and 
reserved rather than if she is the reverse. 

At Newport it is now the fashion for young ladies 
to drive young men out in their pony-phaetons with 
a groom behind, or even without a groom; but a gen- 
tleman never takes out a lady in his own carriage 
without a servant. 

Gentlemen and ladies walk together in the daytime 
unattended, but if they ride on horseback a groom 
is always in attendance on the lady. In rural neigh- 
borhoods where there are no grooms, and where a 
young lady and gentleman go off for a drive unat- 
tended, they have thrown Old-World etiquette out of 
the window, and must make a new etiquette of their 
own. Propriety, mutual respect, and American chiv- 
alry have done for women what all the surveillance 
of Spanish duennas and of French etiquette has done 
for the young girl of Europe. If a woman is a work- 
er, an artist, a student, or an author, she can walk the 
Quartier Latin of Paris unharmed. An unmarried 
girl in Holland takes the right arm of her escort. 

But she has in work an armor of proof. This is not 
etiquette when she comes into the world of fashion. 
She must observe etiquette, as she would do the laws 
of Prussia or of England, if she stands on foreign shores. 

Perhaps we can illustrate this. Given a pretty 
young girl who shall arrive on the steamer Germania 
after being several years at school in Paris, another 
who comes in by rail from Kansas, another from some 
quiet, remote part of Georgia, and leave them all at 



DIFFERENT VIEWS OF ETIQUETTE. 425 

a New York hotel for a winter. Let us imagine 
them all introduced at a New York ball to three gen* 
tlemen, who shall call on them the next day. If the 
girl educated in Paris, sitting by her mamma, hears 
the others talk to the young men she will be shocked. 
The girls who have been brought up far from the cen- 
tres of etiquette seem to her to have no modesty, no 
propriety. They accept invitations from the young 
men to go to the theatre alone, to take drives, and 
perhaps, as we have said, to " go on an excursion." 

To the French girl this seems to be a violation of 
propriety; but later on she accepts an invitation to 
go out on a coach, with perhaps ten or twelve others, 
and with a very young chaperon. The party does not 
return until twelve at night, and as they walk through 
the corridors to a late supper the young Western girl 
meets them, and sees that the young men are already 
the worse for wine : she is apt to say, " What a rowdy 
crowd!" and to think that, after all, etiquette per- 
mits its own sins, in which she is right. 

In a general statement it may be as well to say that 
a severe etiquette would prevent a young lady from 
receiving gifts from a young man, except bonbonniires 
and bouquets. It is not considered proper for him 
to offer her clothing of any sort — as gowns, bonnets, 
shawls, or shoes — even if he is engaged to her. She 
may use her discretion about accepting presents from 
a man old enough to be her father, but she should 
never receive jewellery from any one but a relative or 
her fiance just before marriage. The reason for this 
is obvious. It has been abused — the privilege which 
all men desire, that of decking women with finery. 



426 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES. 

A young lady should not write letters to young 
men, or send them presents, or take the initiative in 
any way. A friendly correspondence is very proper 
if the mother approves, but even this has its dangers. 
Let a young lady always remember that she is to the 
young man an angel to reverence until she lessens the 
distance between them and extinguishes respect. 

Young women often write to us as to whether it is 
proper for them to write letters of condolence or 
congratulation to ladies older than themselves. We 
should say, Yes. The respect of young girls is always 
felt gratefully by older ladies. The manners of the 
present are vastly to be objected to on account of a 
lack of respect. The rather bitter Mr. Carlyle wrote 
satirically of the manners of young ladies. He even 
had his fling at their laugh : " Few are able to laugh 
what can be called laughing, but only sniff and titter 
from the throat outward, or at best produce some 
whiffling husky cachinnations as if they were laughing 
through wool. Of none such comes good." A young 
lady must not speak too loud or be too boisterous ; she 
must even tone down her wit, lest she be misunder- 
stood. But she need not be dull, or ill-tempered, or 
careless of her manners, particularly to her mother's 
old friends. She must not talk slang, or be in any 
way masculine ; if she is, she loses the battle. A 
young lady is sometimes called upon to be a hostess 
if her mother is dead. Here her liberty becomes 
greater, but she should always have an aunt or some 
elderly friend by her side to play chaperon. 

A young lady may do any manual labor without 
losing caste. She may be a good cook, a fine laundress, 



THE NECESSITY OF A CHAPERON. 427 

a carver of wood, a painter, a sculptor, an embroid- 
eress, a writer, a physician, and she will be eligible, 
if her manners are good, to the best society anywhere. 
But if she outrage the laws of good-breeding in the 
place where she is, she cannot expect to take her place 
in society. Should she be seen at Newport driving 
two gentlemen in her pony-phaeton, or should she and 
another young woman take a gentleman between them 
and drive down Bellevue Avenue, she would be ta- 
booed. It would not be a wicked act, but it would 
not look well; it would not be convenable. If she 
dresses " loudly," with peculiar hats and a suspicious 
complexion, she must take the consequences. She 
must be careful (if she is unknown) not to attempt to 
copy the follies of well-known fashionable women. 
What will be forgiven to Mrs. Well Known Uptown 
will never be forgiven to Miss Kansas. Society in this 
respect is very unjust — the world is always unjust — 
but that is a part of the truth of etiquette which is to 
be remembered; it is founded on the accidental con- 
ditions of society, having for its background, however, 
the eternal principles of kindness, politeness, and the 
greatest good of society. We cannot too strongly 
emphasize the propriety, the necessity, of every young 
lady who enters society having a chaperon — a woman 
of perfect manners, strict ideas of propriety, and of 
good social position. 

A young lady who is very prominent in society 
should not make herself too common ; she should 
not appear in too many charades, private theatri 
cals, tableaux, etc. She should remember the "vio- 
let by the mossy stone." She must, also, at a wa= 



428 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES. 

tering - place remember that every act of hers is 
being criticised by a set of lookers-on who are not 
all friendly, and she must, ere she allow herself to 
be too much of a belle, remember to silence envious 
tongues. 



CHAPTER LIV. 

ENGLISH TABLE MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES. 

In no respect can American and English etiquette 
be contrasted more fully than in the matter of the 
every-day dinner, which in America finds a lady in a 
* plain silk dress, high-necked and long-sleeved, but 
at which the English lady always appears in a semi- 
grand toilette, with open Pompadour corsage and el- 
bow sleeves, if not in low-necked, full-dress attire; 
while her daughters are uniformly sleeveless, and gen- 
erally in white dresses, often low-necked in depth of 
winter. At dinner all the men are in evening dress, 
even if there is no one present at the time but the 
family. This is obligatory in a well-bred, family. No 
man should fail in it. He may on Sunday evening, by 
the common consent of society, dine in his Prince Al- 
bert frock-coat and gray trousers, or in the comfort- 
able garment called a smoker, but his toilette should 
receive care. 

The dinner is not so good in England as the ordinary 
American dinner, except in the matter of fish, which 
is universally very fine. The vegetables are few and 
poor, and the " sweets," as they call dessert, are very 
bad. A gooseberry tart is all that is offered to one 
at an ordinary dinner, although fine strawberries and 
a pine are often brought in afterwards. The dinner is 



430 MANNERS AND SOCTAL USAGES. 

always served with much state, and afterwards the 
ladies all combine to amuse the guests by their tal- 
ents. There is no false shame in England about sing- 
ing and playing the piano. Even poor performers do 
their best, and contribute very much to the pleasure 
of the company. At the table people do not talk 
much, nor do they gesticulate as Americans do. They 
eat very quietly, and speak in low tones. No matters 
of family history or religion or political differences 
are discussed before the servants. Talking with the 
mouth full is considered an unpardonable vulgarity. 
All small preferences for any particular dish are kept 
in the background. No hostess ever apologizes, or 
appears to hear or see anything disagreeable. If the 
omelette souffle is a failure, she does not observe it; 
the servant offers and withdraws it, nor is any one dis- 
turbed thereby. As soon as one is helped he must be- 
gin to eat, not waiting for any one else. If the viand 
is too hot or too cold, or is not what the visitor likes, 
he pretends to eat it, playing with knife and fork. 

No guest ever passes a plate or helps to anything; 
the servant does all that. Soup is taken from the side 
of the spoon noiselessly. Soup and fish are not par- 
taken of a second time. If there is a joint, and the 
master carves, it is proper, however, to ask for a sec- 
ond cut. Bread is passed by the servants, and must 
be broken, not cut, afterwards. It is considered gauche 
to be undecided as to whether you will take clear soup 
or thick soup; decide quickly. In refusing wine, sim- 
ply say, "Thanks;" the servant knows then that you 
do not take any. 

The servants retire after handing the dessert, and a 



AN AMERICAN MILLIONAIRE'S TABLE. 431 

few minutes' free conversation is allowed. Then the 
lady of the house gives the signal for rising. Toasts 
and taking wine with people are entirely out of fash- 
ion; nor do the gentlemen remain long in the dining- 
room after the ladies leave the table. In this men are 
rapidly growing more civilized. It is said the Prince 
of Wales broke up the guzzling habits of Englishmen 
after dinner by instituting a quick return to the ladies. 

At the English dinner-table now, from the plainest 
to the highest, there is etiquette, manner, fine service, 
and everything that Englishmen enjoy. The wit, the 
courtier, the beauty, and the poet aim at appearing 
well at dinner. The pleasures of the table, says Sa- 
varin, bring neither enchantment, ecstasy, nor trans- 
ports, but they gain in duration what they lose in in- 
tensity ; they incline us favorably towards all other 
pleasures — at least help to console us for the loss of 
them. 

At very few houses, even that of a duke, does one 
see so elegant a table and such a profusion of flowers 
as at every millionaire's table in New York ; but one 
does see superb old family silver and the most beauti- 
ful table-linen even at a very plain abode. The table 
is almost uniformly lighted with wax candles. Black 
coffee is served immediately after dinner, in the draw- 
ing-room to the ladies, in the dining-room to the gen- 
tlemen, who are in the mean time smoking cigarettes. 

Tea is served in English country-houses four or five 
times a day. It is always brought to your bedside be- 
fore rising ; it is poured at breakfast ; it is a neces- 
sary of life at five o'clock. Probably the cold, damp 
climate has much to do with this ; and the tea is 



432 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES. 

never very strong, but is excellent, being always 
freshly drawn, not steeped, and is most refreshing. 

Servants make the round of the table in pairs, offer- 
ing the condiments, the sauces, the vegetables, and 
the wines. The common-sense of the English nation 
breaks out in their dinners. Nothing is offered out 
of season. To make too great a display of wealth is 
considered bourgeois and vulgar to a degree. A choice 
but not oversumptuous dinner meets you in the best 
houses. But to sit down to the plainest dinners, as we 
do, in plain clothes, would never be permitted. Even 
ladies in deep mourning are expected to make some 
slight change at dinner. 

Iced drinks are never offered in England, nor in 
truth are they needed. 

In England no one speaks of " sherry wine," " port 
wine," "champagne wine," he always says "sherry," 
" port," " claret," etc. But in France one always says 
" vin de Champagne," " vin de Bordeaux," etc. It goes 
to show that what is proper in one country is vulgar 
in another. 

It is still considered proper for the man of the house 
to know how to carve, and at breakfast and lunch the 
gentlemen present always cut the cold beef, the fowl, 
the pressed veal, and the tongue. At a country-house 
dinner the lady often helps the soup herself. Even 
at very quiet dinners a menu is written out by the 
hostess and placed at each plate. In this one partic- 
ular we must mention that menus are now banished 
in New York, but the most stylish people still use 
them in Baltimore, Washington, and Philadelphia. 
The ceremony of the "first lady " being taken in first 



HOLIDAYS IN ENGLAND. 433 

and allowed to go out first is always observed at even 
a family dinner. No one apologizes for any accident, 
such as overturning a glass of claret, or dropping a 
spoon, or even breaking a glass. It is passed over in 
silence. 

No English lady ever reproves her servants at table, 
nor even before her husband and children. Her duty 
at table is to appear serene and unruffled. She puts 
her guests at their ease by appearing at ease herself. 
In this respect English hostesses are far ahead of 
American ones. 

In the matter of public holidays and of their amuse- 
ments the English people behave very unlike Ameri- 
can people. If there is a week of holidays, as at Whit- 
suntide, all the laboring classes go out of town and 
spend the day in the parks, the woods, or the country. 
By this we mean shop-girls, clerks in banks, lawyer's 
clerks, young artists, and physicians, all, in fact, who 
make their bread by the sweat of their brows. As 
for the privileged classes, they go from London to 
their estates, put on plain clothes, and fish or hunt, or 
the ladies go into the woods to pick wild-flowers. The 
real love of nature, which is so honorable a part of the 
English character, breaks out in great and small. In 
America a holiday is a day when people dress in their 
best, and either walk the streets of a great city, or 
else take drives, or go to museums or theatres, or do 
something which smacks of civilization. How few 
put on their plain clothes and stout shoes and go into 
the woods! How much better it would be for them 
if they did ! 

At Whitsuntide the shop-girls of London — a hard- 



434 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES. 

worked class — go down to Epping Forest, or to Hamp- 
ton Court, or to Windsor, with their basket of lunch, 
and everywhere one sees the sign " Hot Water for 
Tea," which means that they go into the humble inn 
and pay a penny for the use of the teapot and cup 
and the hot water, bringing their own tea and sugar. 
The economy which is a part of every Englishman's 
religion could well be copied in America. Even a 
duchess tries to save money, saying wisely that it is 
better to give it away in charity than to waste it. 

An unpleasant feature of English life is, however, 
the open palm, every one being willing to take a fee, 
from a penny up to a shilling, for the smallest service. 
The etiquette of giving has to be learned. A shilling 
is, however, as good as a guinea for ordinary use; no 
one but an American gives more. 

The carriage etiquette differs from ours, as the gen- 
tleman of the family rides beside his wife, allowing 
his daughters to ride backwards. However, no gen- 
tleman sits beside a lady in driving unless he is her 
husband, father, son, or brother. Not even an affianced 
lover is permitted this seat. 

It must be confessed that the groups in Hyde Park 
and in Rotten Row and about the Serpentine have a 
solemn look, the people in the carriages rarely chat- 
ting, but sitting up in state to be looked at, the peo- 
ple in chairs gravely staring at the others. None but 
the people on horseback seem at their ease; they chat 
as they ride, and, all faultlessly caparisoned as they 
are, with well-groomed horses, and servants behind, 
they seem gay and jolly. In America it is the eques- 
trian who always looks preoccupied and solemn, and 



WHEN A LADY SHOULD R*DE IN LONDON. 435 

as if the horse were quite enough to manage. The foot- 
men are generally powdered and very neatly dressed 
in livery, in the swell carriages, but the coachmen are 
not so highly gotten up as formerly. Occasionally 
one sees a very grand fat old coachman in wig and 
knee-breeches, but Jeames Yellowplush is growing a 
thing of the past even in London. 

A lady does not walk alone in the Park. She may 
walk alone to church, or to do her shopping, but even 
that is not common. She had better take a hansom, 
it now being proper for ladies to go out to dinner 
alone in full dress in one of these singularly open 
and exposed-looking carriages. It is not an uncom- 
mon sight to see a lady in a diamond tiara in a Lon- 
don hansom by the blazing light of a summer sun if 
she is going out to dinner, for the afternoon sun 
shines until eight o'clock in England. Thus what we 
should shun as a very public thing the reserved Eng- 
lish woman does in crowded London, and regards it as 
proper, while she smiles if she sees an American lady 
alone in a victoria in Hyde Park, and would consider 
her a very improper person if she asked a gentleman 
to drive out with her — as we do in our Park every day 
of our lives — in an open carriage. Truly etiquette is 
a curious and arbitrary thing, and differs in every 
country. 

In France, where they consider English people fright- 
fully gauche, all this etiquette is reversed, and is very 
much more like ours in America. A Frenchman al- 
ways takes off his hat on entering or leaving a rail- 
way carriage if ladies are in it. An Englishman never 
takes his hat off unless the Princess of Wales is passing, 



436 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES. 

or he meets an acquaintance. He sits with it on in 
the House of Commons, in the reading-room of a ho- 
tel, at his club, where it is his privilege to sulk ; but 
in his own house he is the most charming of hosts. 
The rudest and almost the most unkind persons in 
the world, if you meet them without a letter or an in- 
troduction in a public place, the English become in 
their own houses the most gentle, lovely, and polite 
of all people. If the ladies meet in a friend's parlor, 
there is none of that snobbish rudeness which is the 
fashion in America, where one lady treats another as 
if she were afraid of contamination, and will not speak 
to her. The lady-in-waiting to Queen Victoria, the 
duchess, is not afraid of her nobility; her friend's roof 
is an introduction; she speaks. 

There is a great sense of the value of a note. If a 
lady writes a pretty note expressing thanks for civili- 
ties offered to her, all the family call on her and thank 
her for her politeness. It is to be feared that in this 
latter piece of good-breeding we are behind our Eng- 
lish cousins. The English call immediately after a 
party, an invitation, or a letter of introduction. An 
elegant and easy epistolary style is of great use in 
England; and indeed a lady is expected even to write 
to an artist asking permission to call and see his pict- 
ures — a thing rarely thought of in America. 



CHAPTER LV. 

AMERICAN AND ENGLISH ETIQUETTE CONTRASTED. 

No sooner does the American traveller land in Eng- 
land than are forced upon his consideration the strik- 
ing differences in the etiquette of the two countries, 
the language for common things, the different system 
of intercourse between the employe and the employer, 
the intense respectfulness of the guard on the railway, 
the waiter at the hotel, and the porter who shoulders 
a trunk. This respect strikes the transatlantic visitor 
forcibly. The American in a similar position would 
not show the politeness, but he would disdain a shil- 
ling. In England there is no such sensitiveness. 
Everybody can be feed who does even the most 
elevated service. The stately gentlemen who show 
Windsor Castle expect a shilling. Now as to the 
language for common things. No American must 
ask for an apothecary's shop; he would not be under- 
stood. He must inquire for the "chemist's" if he 
wants a dose of medicine. Apothecaries existed in 
Shakespeare's time, as we learn from " Romeo and 
Juliet," but they are "gone out" since. The chemist 
has been born, and very good chemicals he keeps. As 
soon as an American can divest himself of his habit 
of saying "baggage," and remark that he desires his 
"luggage sent up by the four train," the better for 



438 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES. 

him. And it is the better for him if he learns the lan- 
guage of the country quickly. Language in England, 
in all classes, is a much more elaborate and finished 
science than with us. Every one, from the cad to the 
cabinet minister, speaks his sentences with what seems 
to us at first a stilted effort. There is none of the 
easy drawl, the oblivion of consonants, which mark 
our daily talk. It is very beautiful in the speech of 
women in England, this clear enunciation and the 
proper use of words. Even the maid who lights your 
fire asks your permission to do so in a studied manner, 
giving each letter its place. The slang of England is 
the affectation of the few. The " general public," as 
we should say, speak our common language most cor- 
rectly. At first it sounds affected and strained, but 
soon the American ear grows to appreciate it, and 
finds the pure well of English undefiled. 

The American lady will be sure to be charmed with 
the manners of the very respectable person who lets 
lodgings, and she will be equally sure to be shocked 
at the extortions of even the most honest and best- 
meaning of them. Ice, lights, an extra egg for break- 
fast, all these common luxuries, which are given away 
in America, and considered as necessaries of existence, 
are charged for in England, and if a bath is required 
in the morning in the tub which always stands near 
the wash-stand, an extra sixpence is required for that 
commonplace adjunct of the toilette. If ladies carry 
their own wine from the steamer to a lodging-house, 
and drink it there, or offer it to their friends, they are 
charged " corkage." On asking the meaning of this 
relic of barbarism, they are informed that the lodging- 



THE LONDON BOARDING-HOUSE. 439 

house keeper pays a tax of twenty pounds a year 
for the privilege of using wine or spirits on the 
premises, and seven shillings — equal t5 nearly two 
dollars of our money — was charged an invalid lady 
who opened one bottle of port and two little bottles 
of champagne of her own in a lodging-house in Half- 
moon Street. As it was left on the sideboard and 
nearly all drunk up by the waiter, the lady demurred, 
but she had no redress. A friend told her afterwards 
that she should have uncorked her bottles in her bed- 
room, and called it medicine. 

These abuses, practised principally on Americans, 
are leading to the far wiser and more generous plan of 
hotel living, w^here, as with us, a man may know how 
much he is paying a day, and may lose this disagree- 
able sense of being perpetually plucked. No doubt 
to English people, who know how to cope with the 
landlady, who are accustomed to dole out their stores 
very carefully, who know how to save a sixpence, and 
wiil go without a lump of sugar in their tea rather 
than pay for it, the lodging-house living has its con- 
veniences. It certainly is quieter and in some respects 
more comfortable than a hotel, but it goes against the 
grain for any one accustomed to the good breakfasts, 
the hearty lunch, and the excellent dinners of an 
American hotel of the better class, to have to pay for 
a drink of ice-water, and to be told that the landlady 
cannot give him soup and fish on the same day unless 
her pay is raised. Indeed, it is difficult to make any 
positive terms; the "extras" will come in. This has 
led to the building of gigantic hotels in London on 
the American plan, which arise rapidly on all sides. 



440 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES. 

The Grand Hotel, the Bristol, the First Avenue Ho- 
tel, the Metropole, the Cecil, and the Savoy are all 
better places* for an American than the lodging-house, 
and they are very little if any more expensive. In a 
lodging-house a lady must have a parlor, but in a ho- 
tel she can sit in the reading-room, or write her letters 
at one of the half-dozen little tables which she will 
find in each of the many waiting-rooms. 

London is a very convenient city for the writing and 
posting of letters. Foreigners send out their letters 
of introduction and cards, expecting a reply in a few 
days, when, lo! the visitor is announced as being out- 
side. Here, again, London has the advantage of New 
York. The immediate attention paid to a letter of 
introduction might shame our more tardy hospitality. 
Never in the course of the history of England has a 
self-respecting Londoner neglected a letter of intro- 
duction. If he is well-to-do, he asks the person who 
brings the letter to dinner; if he is poor, he does what 
he can. He is not ashamed to offer merely the hospi- 
tality of a cup of tea if he can do no more. But he 
calls, and he sends you tickets for Sundays at the 
"Zoo," or he does something to show his appreciation 
of the friend who has given the letter. Now in Amer- 
ica we are very tardy about all this, and often, to our 
shame, take no notice of letters of introduction. 

In the matter of dress the American lady finds a 
complete boaleversement of her own ideas. Who 
would not stare, on alighting at the Fifth Avenue 
Hotel in the hot sunshine of a June evening, to find 
ladies trooping in at the public entrance dressed in red 
and blue and gold, with short sleeves or no sleeves, and 



ETIQUETTE FOR THE LONDON THEATRES. 441 

very low corsage, no cloak, no head-covering? And 
yet at the Grand Hotel and the Savoy in London this 
is the nightly custom. These ladies are dressed for 
theatre or opera, and they go to dine at a hotel first. 
No bonnet is allowed at any theatre in London. Of 
course elderly and quiet ladies can go in high dresses, 
but they must not wear bonnets. The laws of the 
Medes and Persians were not more strictly enforced 
than is this law by the custodians of the theatres, who 
are neatly dressed women ushers with becoming caps. 
Here, again, is a difference of custom, as we have no 
women ushers in America, and in this respect the Eng- 
lish fashion is the prettier. It is well that we have 
introduced the habit of going to the theatre bonnet- 
less, for our high hats are universally denounced by 
those who sit behind us. 

Here the London woman is more sensible than her 
American cousin. The Americans who now visit Lon- 
don are apt to be so plain and undemonstrative in 
dress that they are called shabby. Perhaps alarmed 
at the comments once made on their loudness of dress, 
the American woman has toned down, and finds her- 
self less gay than she was at the theatre and opera. 
But she may be sure of one tiling — she should be 
plainly dressed rather than overdressed. 

As for dinner-parties, one is asked for eight or half- 
past eight ; no one is introduced, but every one talks. 
The conversation is apt to be low-voiced, but very 
bright and cordial — all English people unbending at 
dinner. It is etiquette to leave a card next day after 
a ball, and to call on a lady's reception-day. For the 
out-of-door fUes at Hurlingham and Ranelagh and the 



442 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES. 

race days at Ascot very brilliant toilettes of short 
dresses, gay bonnets, and so on, are proper, and as no 
one can go to the two first without a special invita- 
tion, the people present are apt to be "swells," and 
well worth seeing. The coaches which come out to 
these festivities have well-dressed women on top, but 
they usually conceal their gay dresses with a wrap of 
some sombre color while driving through , London. 
No one makes the slightest advance towards an ac- 
quaintance or an intimacy in London. All is begun 
very formally by the presentation of letters, and after 
that the invitation must be immediately accepted or 
declined, and no person can, without offending his 
host, withdraw from a lunch or dinner without making 
a most reasonable excuse. An American gentleman 
long resident in London complains of his country-peo- 
ple in this respect. He says they accept his invita- 
tions to dinner, he gets together a most distinguished 
company to meet them, and at the last moment they 
send him word : " So sorry, but have come in tired 
from Richmond. Think we won't come. Thank 
you." 

Now where is his dinner-party? Three or four an- 
gry Londoners, who might have gone to a dozen dif- 
ferent dinners, are sulkily sitting about waiting for 
these Americans who take a dinner invitation so 
lightly. 

The London luncheon, which is a very plain meal 
compared with ours — indeed, only a family dinner — is 
a favorite hospitality as extended to Americans by 
busy men. Thus the great artist or statesman, whose 
hours are worth twenty pounds apiece, receives his 



THE DERBY. 443 

friends at a plain lunch in his magnificent house, at a 
table at which his handsome wife and rosy daughters 
assist. So it was with Millais, so it is with Sir Laurence 
Alma-Tadema, and the literary, people whose time is 
money. Many of the noble people, whose time is not 
worth so much, also invite one to lunch, and always 
the meal is an informal one. 

English ladies are very accomplished as a rule, and 
sometimes come into the drawing-room with their 
painting aprons over their gowns. They never look 
so well as on horseback, where they have a perfection 
of outfit and such horses and grooms as our American 
ladies as yet cannot approach. The scene at Hyde 
Park Corner of a bright afternoon in the Derby week 
is unapproachable in any country in the world. 

Many American ladies, not knowing the customs 
of the country, have, with their gentlemen friends, 
mounted a coach at the Metropole Hotel, and have 
driven to the Derby, coming home very much shocked 
because they were rudely accosted. 

Now ladies should never go to the Derby. It is not 
a " lady's " race. It is five hundred thousand people 
out on a spree, and no lady is comfortable there. Ascot, 
on the contrary, is a lady's race meeting. But then she 
should have a box, or else sit on the top of a coach. 
Such is the etiquette. 

It would be better for all Americans, before enter- 
ing London society, to learn the etiquette of these 
things from some resident. 

In driving about, the most aristocratic lady can use 
the most plebeian conveyance. The " four-wheeler " 
is the favorite carriage. A servant calls them from 



444 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES. 

the door-step with a whistle. They are very cheap — 
one-and-sixpence for two miles, including a call not to 
exceed fifteen minutes (the call). The hansom cab 
with one horse is equally cheap, but not so easy to get 
in and out of. Until the year 1900, when automobiles 
have threatened to revolutionize things, and it is to 
be hoped that they will make cab-fare much cheaper. 



CHAPTER LVI. 

HOW TO TREAT ENGLISH PEOPLE. 

The highest lady in the realm, Queen Victoria, is 
always addressed by the ladies and gentlemen of her 
household, and by all members of the aristocracy and 
gentry, as "Ma'am," not "Madam," or "Your Maj- 
esty," but simply, "Yes, ma'am," "No, ma'am." All 
classes not coming within the category of gentry, such 
as the lower professional classes, the middle classes, 
the lower middle classes, the lower classes (servants), 
would address her as "Your Majesty," and not as 
" Ma'am." The Prince of Wales is addressed as " Sir " 
by the aristocracy and gentry, and never as "Your 
Royal Highness " by either of these classes, but by 
all other people he is addressed as " Your Royal High- 
ness." 

The other sons of Queen Victoria are addressed as 
" Sir " by the upper classes, but as " Your Royal High- 
ness " by the middle and lower classes, and by all per- 
sons not coming within the category of gentry; and 
by gentry, English people mean not only the landed 
gentry, but all persons belonging to the army and 
navy, the clergy, the bar, the medical and other pro- 
fessions, the aristocracy of art (Sir Edward Poynter, 
the President of the Royal Academy, can always 
claim a private audience with the sovereign), the aris- 



446 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES. 

tocracy of wealth, merchant princes, and the leading 
City merchants and bankers. The Princess of Wales 
and all the princesses of the blood royal are addressed 
as " Ma'am " by the aristocracy and gentry, but as 
" Your Royal Highness " by all other classes. 

A foreign prince is addressed as " Prince " and " Sir " 
by the aristocracy and gentry, and as "Your Serene 
Highness " by all other classes; and a foreign princess 
would be addressed as " Princess " by the aristocracy, 
or " Your Serene Highness " by the lower grades, but 
never as " Ma'am." 

An English duke is addressed as " Duke " by the 
aristocracy and gentry, and never as " Your Grace " 
by the members of either of these classes; but all other 
classes address him as "Your Grace." A marquis is 
sometimes conversationally addressed by the upper 

classes as u Markis," but generally as " Lord A ," 

and a marchioness as " Lady B ;" all other classes 

would address them as " Marquis " or " Marchioness." 
The same remark holds good as to earls, countesses, 

barons, baronnesses — all are "Lord B " or "Lady 

B ." 

But Americans, who are always, if presented at 
court, entitled to be considered as aristocracy and 
gentry, and as such are always received, must observe 
that English people do not use titles often even in 
speaking to a duke. It is only an ignorant person 
who garnishes his conversation with these titles. Let 
the conversation with Lord B flow on without say- 
ing " My lord " or " Lord B " more frequently than 

is absolutely necessary. One very ignorant American 
in London was laughed at for saying, " That isn't so, 



BARONETS ADDRESSED BY THE FULL TITLE. 447 

lord," to a nobleman. He should have said, "That 

isn't so, I think," or, "That isn't so, Lord B ," or 

"my lord." 

The daughters of dukes, marquises, and earls are 
addressed as "Lady Mary," "Lady Gwendoline," etc. 
This must never be forgotten ; and the younger sons 

of dukes and marquises are called "Lord John B ," 

"Lord Frederic Hamilton," or "Lord Henry Gray," 
etc. The wife of the younger son should always be ad- 
dressed by both the Christian and surname of her hus- 
band by those slightly acquainted with her, and by 
her husband's Christian name only by her intimate 
friends. Thus those who know Lady Henry Gray well 
address her as "Lady Henry." The younger sons of 
earls, viscounts, and barons bear the courtesy title of 
" Honorable," as do the female members of the family; 
but this is never used colloquially under any circum- 
stances, although always in addressing a letter to them. 

Baronets are addressed by their full title and sur- 
name, as "Sir Stafford Northcote," etc., by persons of 
the lower classes, and by their titles with their Chris- 
tian names by all the higher classes. Baronets' wives 

are addressed as "Lady B " or "Lady C .7 

They should not be addressed as "Lady Thomas 

B ;" that would be to give them the rank of the 

wife of a younger son of a duke or marquis, instead 
of that of a baronet's wife only. 

In addressing foreigners of rank colloquially the re- 
ceived rule is to address them by their individual titles 
without the addition of the surname to their titles. 
In case of a prince being a younger son he is addressed 
as " Prince Henry," as was the case of Priaoe Henry of 



448 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES. 

Battenberg. The sons of the reigning monarchs are 
addressed as "Your Imperial Highness." A foreign 
nobleman is addressed as " Monsieur le Due," "Mon- 
sieur le Comte," "Monsieur le Baron," etc.; but if 
there is no prefix of " de," the individual is addressed 
as " Baron Rothschild," " Count Hohenthal," etc. 

While it is proper on the Continent to address an 
unmarried woman as mademoiselle, without the sur- 
name, in England it would be considered very vulgar. 
" Miss " must be followed by the surname. The wives 
of archbishops, bishops, and deans are simply Mrs. 

A , Mrs. B , etc., while the archbishop and 

bishop are always addressed as " Your Grace " and as 
" My lord," their wives deriving no precedency and 
no title from their husbands' ecclesiastical rank. It 
is the same with military personages. 

Peeresses invariably address their husbands by their 
title; thus the Duchess of Sutherland calls her husband 
" Sutherland," etc. Baronets' wives call their hus- 
bands "Sir John" or "Sir George," etc. 

The order of precedency in England is strictly ad- 
hered to, and English matrons declare that it is the 
greatest convenience, as it saves them all the trouble 
of choosing who shall go in first, etc. For this rea- 
son, among others, the "Book of the Peerage" has 
been called the Englishman's Bible, it is so often con- 
sulted. 

But the question of how to treat English people has 
many another phase than that of mere title, as we look 
at it from an American point of view. 

When we visit England we take rank with the 
highest, and can well afford to address the queen as 



PRIVILEGES OF AMERICAN WOMEN. 449 

"Ma'am." In fact, we are expected to do so. A well- 
bred, well-educated, well-introduced American has the 
highest position in the social scale. He may not go 
in to dinner with a duchess, but he is generally very 
well placed. As for a well-bred, handsome woman, 
there is no end to the privileges of her position in Eng- 
land, if she observes two or three rules. She should 
not effuse too much, nor be too generous of titles, nor 
should she fail of the necessary courtesy due always 
from guest to hostess. She should have herself pre- 
sented at court by her Minister or by some distin- 
guished friend, if she wishes to enter fashionable soci- 
ety. Then she has the privilege of attending any 
subsequent Drawing-room, and is eligible to invita- 
tions to the court balls and royal concerts, etc. 

American women have succeeded wonderfully of 
late years in all foreign society from their beauty, 
their wit, and their originality. From the somewhat 
perilous admiration of the Prince of Wales and other 
Royal Highnesses for American beauties, there has 
grown up, however, a rather presumptuous boldness 
in some women, which has rather speedily brought 
them into trouble, and therefore it may be advisable 
that even a witty and very pretty woman should hold 
herself in check in England. 

English people are very kind in illness, grief, or in 
anything which is inevitable, but they are speedily 
chilled by any step towards a too sudden intimacy. 
They resent anything like " pushing " more than any 
other people in the world. In no country has intellect, 
reading, cultivation, and knowledge such " success " 
as in England. If a lady, especially, can talk well, 



450 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES. 

she is invited everywhere. If she can do anything to 
amuse the company — as to sing well, tell fortunes by 
the hand, recite, or play in charades or private theat- 
ricals — she is almost sure of the highest social recog- 
nition. She is expected to dress Well, and Americans 
are sure to do this. The excess of dressing too much 
is to be discouraged. It is far better to be too plain 
than too fine in England, as, indeed, it is everywhere; 
an overdressed woman is undeniably vulgar in any 
country. 

If we could learn to treat English people as they 
treat us in the matter of introductions, it would be a 
great advance. The English regard a letter of intro- 
duction as a sacred institution and an obligation which 
cannot be disregarded. If a lady takes a letter to Sir 
John Bowring, and he has illness in his family and 
cannot ask her to dinner, he comes to call on her, he 
sends her tickets for every sort of flower show, the 
museums, the Botanical Garden, and all the fine things; 
he sends her his carriage — he evidently has her on his 
mind. The late Lord Leighton, the most courted, 
the busiest man in London, was really so kind, so at- 
tentive, so assiduous in his response to letters of intro- 
duction that one hesitated to present a letter for fear 
of intruding on his industrious and valuable life.* 

Of course there are disagreeable English people, and 
there is an animal known as the English snob, than 
which there is no Tasmanian devil more disagreeable. 
Travellers everywhere have met this variety, and one 
would think that formerly it must have been more 

* Alas I that this delightful man is no longer here — u a light too 
early quenched !" (1 900.) 



A NOT TOO EFFUSIVE CORDIALITY. 451 

common than it is now. There are also English fam- 
ilies who have a Continental, one might say a cosmo- 
politan, reputation for disagreeability, as we have some 
American families, well known to history, who have 
an almost patrician and hereditary claim to the worst 
manners in the universe. Well-born bears are known 
all over the world, but they are in the minority. It 
is almost a sure sign of base and ignoble blood to be 
badly mannered. And if the American visitor treats 
his English host half as well as the host treats him, 
he may feel assured that the entente cordiale will soon 
be perfect. 

One need not treat the average Englishman either 
with a too effusive cordiality or with that half-con- 
temptuous fear of being snubbed which is of all things 
the most disagreeable. A sort of " chip on the shoul- 
der " spread-eagleism formerly made a class of Amer- 
icans unpopular; now Americans are in favor in Eng- 
land, and are treated most cordially. 



CHAPTER LVIL 

A FOREIGN TABLE D'HOTE, AND CASINO LIFE ABROAD, 

Life at a French watering-place differs so essen- 
tially from that at our own Saratoga, Sharon, Rich- 
field, Newport, and Long Branch, that a few items of 
observation may be indulged in to show us what an im- 
mense improvement we could introduce into our study 
of amusement by following the foreign fashions of 
simplicity in eating and drinking. 

The Continental people never eat that heavy early 
meal which we call breakfast. They take in their 
rooms at eight o'clock a cup of coffee and a roll, what 
they call cafe complet, or they may prefer tea and oat- 
meal, the whole thing very simple. Then at Aix-les 
Bains or Vichy the people under treatment go to the 
bath, taking a rest afterwards. All this occupies an 
hour. They then rise and dress for the eleven o'clock 
dejeuner d la fourchette, which is a formal meal served 
in courses, with red wine instead of coffee or tea. This 
is all that one has to do in the eating line until dinner. 
Imagine what a fine clear day that gives one. How 
much uninterrupted time! How much better for the 
housekeeper in a small boarding-house! And at a 
hotel where the long, heavy breakfast, from seven to 
eleven, keeps the dining-room greasy and badly ven- 
tilated until the tables must be cleared for a one or two 



MAGNIFICENT EXCURSIONS ABOUT AIX. 453 

o'clock dinner, it is to contrast order with disorder, 
and neatness with its reverse. 

The foreign breakfast at eleven is a delicious meal, 
as will be seen by the following bills of fare: CEufs 
au beurre noir ; saute printanier (a sort of stew of 
meat and fresh vegetables); viande froide panachee / 
salade de saison ; compote de fruit et pdtisserie ; fro- 
mage, fruit, cafe. 

Another breakfast is : CEufs au plat ; poulet d la 
Godard ; cotelettes de mouton grillees ; revi&re pomrnes 
de terre ; flans d'abricot ; and so on, with every vari- 
ety of stew r ed pigeon, trout from the lake, delicious 
preparations of spinach, and always a variety of the 
cheeses which are so fresh and so healthful, just brought 
from the Alpine valleys. The highly flavored Alpine 
strawberries are added to this meal. Then all eating 
is done for the day until the six or seven o'clock din- 
ner. This gives the visitor a long and desirable day 
for excursions, which in the neighborhood of Aix are 
especially charming, particularly the drive to Cham- 
bery, one of the most quaintly interesting of towns, 
through the magnificent break in the Alps at w T hose 
southern portal stands La Grande Chartreuse. All 
this truly healthy disposition of time and of eating is 
one reason why a person comes home from a foreign 
watering-place in so much better trim, morally, men- 
tally, and physically, than from the unhealthy gorg- 
ing of our American summer resorts. 

At twelve or one begins the music at the Casino, 

usually a pretty building in a garden. In this shady 

park the mammas with their children sit and listen to 

the strains of the best bands in Europe. Paris sends 

1 



454 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES. 

her artists from the Chdtelet, and the morning finds 
itself gone and well into the afternoon before the out- 
side pleasures of the Casino are exhausted. Here, of 
course, trip up and down on the light fantastic toe, 
and in the prettiest costumes of the day, all the daugh- 
ters of the earth, with their attendant cavaliers. There 
are certain aspects of a foreign watering-place with 
which we have nothing to do here, such as the gam- 
bling and the overdressing of a certain class, but all is 
externally most respectable. At four or -earlier every 
one goes to drive in the voiture de place or the voiture 
de remise, the latter being a handsome hired carriage 
of a superior class. But the voiture de place, with a 
Savoyard driver, is good enough. He knows the road; 
his sturdy horse is accustomed to the hills; he takes 
one for three francs an hour — about half what is 
charged at Saratoga or Sharon or Richfield; he ex- 
pects a few cents as pourboire, that is all. The vehi- 
cle is a humble sort of victoria, very easy and safe, 
and the drive is generally through scenery of the most 
magnificent description. 

Ladies at a foreign watering-place have generally 
much to amuse them at the shops. Antiquities of all 
sorts, old china (particularly old Saxe), also old carved 
furniture from the well-known chateaux of Savoy, are 
found at Aix. The prices are so small compared with 
what such curiosities would bring in New York that 
the buyer is tempted to buy what she does not want, 
forgetting how much it wijl cost to get it home. Old 
lace and bits of embroidery and stuffs are brought to 
the door. There is nothing too rococo for the peripa- 
tetic vender in these foreign watering-places. 



DIFFERENT NATIONALITIES DANCING. 



455 



The dinner is a very good one. Cooked by Italian 
or French cooks, it may be something of this sort: 
Potage de riz ; lavarets St. Houlade ; filets de bceuf 
JBearnaise (a delicious sauce with basil mixed in it, a 
slight taste of aniseed); bouchers d la reine ; chapon 
roti au cresson ; asperge au branches / glace au choc- 
olat ; cafe ; or : Potage au Crecy ; turbot aux cdpres ; 
langue de bceuf ; petits pois, lies au beurre ; bombe va- 
nille ; with fruits, cheese, and cakes, and always the 
wine of the country, for which no extra charge is 
made. These delicious meals cost — the breakfast 
four francs (wine included), the dinner ten francs. 
It would be difficult in our country to find such cook- 
ing anywhere, and for that price simply impossible. 

Music in the Casino grounds follows the dinner. 
The pretty women, by this time in the short, gay fou- 
lards and in the dressy hats in which they will appear 
later at the Casino ball, are tripping up and down in 
the gas-lighted grounds. The scene is often illumi- 
nated by fireworks. At eight and a half the whole 
motley crew has entered the Casino, and there the 
most amusing dancing — valse, galop, and polka — is in 
vogue. In 1900 the valse d deux-temps is the one 
fashionable form of dancing in society. The Pole is 
known by his violent dancing; "he strikes and flut- 
ters like a cock, he capers in the air, he kicks his heels 
up to the stars." There is heartiness in the dancing 
of the Swedes and Danes, there is mettle in their heels, 
but no people caper like the Poles. The Russians and 
the Americans dance the best. They are the elegant 
dancers of the world. French women dance beauti- 
fully : 



456 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES. 

"A fine, sweet earthquake, gently moved 
By the soft wind of their dispersing silks." 

No lady appears at the Casino bareheaded ; it is 
always with hat or bonnet, and she lives in her bonnet 
more or less even at the balls. 

If a concert or a play is going on in the little theatre, 
the same people take their places in boxes or seats, 
until every face becomes familiar, as one knows one's 
shipmates. Sometimes pleasant acquaintances are thus 
formed. A very free-and-easy system of etiquette 
permits dancing between parties who have not been 
introduced, and the same privilege extends to the ask- 
ing of a party of ladies to take an ice. All acquaint- 
ance ceases on leaving the Casino, however, unless the 
lady chooses to bow to her cavalier. 

Sometimes the steward of the Casino gets up a fancy- 
dress ball under the patronage of some lady, and then 
the motley crew appear as historical characters. It 
is a unique and gay spectacle. Here in the land of 
the old masters some very fine representations of the 
best pictures are hastily improvised, and almost with- 
out any apparent effort the whole ball is gotten up 
with spirit and ingenuity. This, too, among people 
who never met the day before yesterday. There is a 
wide range of costume allowed for those who take 
part in these revelries. 

The parquet floor of a foreign Casino is the most 
perfect thing for good dancing. They understand 
laying these floors there better than we do, and the 
climate does not alter them, as with us. They are 
the pleasantest and easiest of all floors to dance upon. 

Not the least striking episode to an American eye 



A SIMPLE FOREIGN FUNERAL. 457 

is the sight of many priests and men in ecclesiastical 
garments at these Casinos. The number of priestly 
robes everywhere strikes the visitor to a French wa- 
tering-place most emphatically. The schoolmasters 
are young priests, and walk about with their boys, 
and the old priests are everywhere. A solemn pro- 
cession crosses the gay scene occasionally. Three or 
four acolytes bearing censers, a group of mourners, a 
tall and stately nun in gray robes and veil walking 
magnificently, and moving her lips in prayer; then a 
group of people ; then a priest with book in hand say- 
ing aloud the prayers for the dead; then the black 
box, the coffin, carried on a bier by men, the motley 
crowd uncovering as the majesty passes, and the boys 
follow, chanting, 

"The glories of our birth and state 
Are shadows, not substantial things; 
There is no armor against fate; 
Death lays his icy hand on kings." 

Yes, and on the gay visitor at the Casino. These sim- 
ple and unostentatious funerals are very impressive. 
The priests always walk bareheaded through the 
streets on these occasions, and on many others. In- 
deed, the priestly head seems impatient of a hat. 

The fetes of the peasants are things to go and see, 
and the unalterable differences of rank are deeply im- 
pressed on the American mind. An old peasant wom- 
an has brought cheese and milk into Aix for forty 
years, and now, in her sixties, she still brings them, 
and walks eight miles a day. There is no hope that 
her daughter will ever join in the gayeties of the Ca- 
sino, as in America she might certainly aspire to do. 



458 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES. 

The daughter will be a peasant, as her mother was, 
and far happier and more respectable for it, and cer- 
tainly more picturesque. How many of the peasant 
dresses have given an idea to the modiste! And one 
sees in the fields of Savoy the high hat with conical 
crown, with brim either wide or flat, which has now 
become so fashionable; also the flat mushroom hat of 
straw with the natural bunch of corn and red poppy, 
which has gone from Fanchon up to the duchess. 
They both come from the fields. 

Of course horse-races, formed after the plan of Long- 
champs, are inseparable from the amusements of a 
French watering-place; and m proportion to the num- 
ber of guests to be amused, the horses come down 
from the various stables. Pigeon - shooting goes on 
all the time. 

It is said that the French have a greater hatred of 
ennui than any other people in the world. They do 
not know what it means. They amuse themselves 
all the time, and are never at a loss. The well-bred 
French women have as much energy and industry as 
any New England woman, but they take their amuse- 
ment more resolutely, never losing music, gayety, and 
" distraction." Perhaps wbat amuses them might not 
amuse the more sober Saxon, but the delicate embroid- 
ery of their lives, with all that comes thus cheaply to 
them, certainly makes them a very delightful set. 
Their manners are most fascinating, never selfish, nev- 
er ponderous, never self-conscious, but always most 
agreeable. The French woman is mi generis. She 
may no longer be very young; she never was very 
handsome. Every sensation that the human mind can 



USEFUL FRENCH WOMEN. 459 

experience she has experienced; every caprice, whim, 
and fancy that human imagination can conceive she 
has gratified. She is very intelligent ; she was born 
with a perfect taste in dress; and she is — all the nov- 
elists to the contrary notwithstanding — a very good 
wife, an excellent mother, a charming companion, a 
most useful and sensible helpmeet, with a perfect idea 
of doing her half of the business of life, and of getting 
out of her hours of leisure all the amusement she can. 
At a French watering-place the French woman of the 
better class is most entirely at home and intensely 
agreeable, and her son is the best son in the world. 
He never greets her without kissing her hand ; he 
gives her his arm for her walk; he brings her favorite 
arm-chair and footstool and her book ; he pays her 
reverence and pretty compliments — he is what every 
son should be, but which, alas ! few American sons are. 



CHAPTER LIX. 

HOUSE-PARTIES. 

It is only within a few years that the American 
house-keeper could attempt this thoroughly English 
institution, for a house-party demands that the host 
lives every day in thoroughly princely style. But 
since, from Maine to California, the American mill- 
ionnaire now resides in a palace, and keeps (if he 
can keep them) a regiment of servants, the house- 
party is possible. It means so much, however, that 
all Americans have not yet mastered, that a few 
words as to the etiquette of the thing may well be 
inserted here. 

No person should attempt it who has not her me- 
nage in good running order. There must be an ac- 
complished cook, good footmen and maids, trained 
to parlor and bedroom work, a number of fine 
horses, a cellar of good wine, a liberal host, and an 
accomplished hostess. Then there must be some def- 
inite object of interest, as a fine country for driving 
through, fox-hunting, sea air, or an agreeable neigh- 
borhood, as to dinners, lunches, or picnics. We can- 
not offer to the guests, at our house-parties, Fountains 
Abbey or any other ruin (excepting some ruin they 
may not wish to see), as is the case all over England 
or France, but we can offer them hospitality. 



THE INVITATIONS TO A HOUSE-PARTY. 461 

When life was simpler, no one was afraid to ask a 
friend "to come and stay a week or two ;" but since 
the splendid hospitality of the many opulent enter- 
tainers, who offer one a whole California, times and 
phases have changed, and now a " house-party" means 
something of this sort : 

Ten or twelve congenial couples are asked for 
three days or more to a country-house, whose size 
enables the hostess to offer to husband and wife two 
bedrooms, a parlor, a bath-room, often a boudoir, and 
each is asked to bring a body -servant — he a valet 
and she a maid. Many country-houses in England 
contain twenty or thirty of these suites. 

A letter is sent a fortnight in advance, and the 
lady of the house keeps a book in the following man- 
ner : 

"Mr. and Mrs. Morse are asked from 13th to 17th July; from 
luncheon on the 13th to luncheon on the 17th." 

"Mr. and Mrs. Brown asked to dinner on the 17th, to leave 
before luncheon on the 20th." 

" Mr. and Mrs. Spencer asked to luncheon on the 20th, to re- 
main for dinner on the 24th, and leave before luncheon on the 
25th," etc., etc. 

This important ledger is consulted every day by 
the house - keeper, who knows when to have her 
rooms made up ; and the host and hostess open it be- 
fore them that they may remember who is coming. 

It is often the custom for rich ladies in this 
country to keep a secretary, and an hour with this 
functionary is necessary for the dictating of notes ; 
for when parties of twelve ladies with their hus- 
bands and maids are expected in quick rotation, 



462 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES. 

many notes have to be written. In England this 
business is generally done by the lady herself, for an 
English lady of rank delights in writing notes, and 
does it so well that it seems to be second nature with 
her. 

In English house-parties the amusing man is always 
a factor, a bachelor or a widower who has a talent 
for conversation, is not above making a pun or writ- 
ing a vers de societe — that individual who is such a 
familiar friend of ours through the modern society 
novel. It is hard to find his exact copy in America. 

There are, however, some men of leisure and edu- 
cation who can be depended upon for a house-party. 

There are always clever girls and married wom- 
en, more or less emancipee, who can be depended 
upon to be amusing. 

When the party is decided upon, the lady writes 
her note in the third person, inviting Mr. and Mrs. 
Percy to her house in Minneapolis, or Skaneateles, or 
Newport, as the case may be, for three days, or three 
weeks. She gives a succinct account of how to get 
there — time-tables and railway trains. Her carriage 
and horses meet the guest at the station, and a wagon 
for their traps is also sent. On their arrival at the 
house she should be there to welcome them, or, if 
unavoidably absent, must delegate a daughter or a 
friend to do this duty for her. Guests are then asked 
if they will have a cup of tea, or if they prefer to go 
immediately to their rooms. After a dusty railroad 
journey, the latter is generally preferred. 

The guest is shown to the apartment, where a maid 
is waiting to ask if a hot or a cold bath is preferred, 



A TERRIBLE PIECE OF IGNORANCE. 463 

if a cup of tea shall be served in the room, and 
whether she can be of any service. If the lady has 
not brought her own maid this servant unlocks the 
trunks and assists her to dress. 

The whole company are expected to assemble in 
full dress at a seven or an eight o'clock dinner. 

After dinner the hostess makes suggestions for the 
following day — whether her guests will have an early 
breakfast of a cup of tea and an egg in their rooms or 
descend to the dining-room ; whether they will drive 
or ride or prefer to stay at home. She tells them that 
luncheon will be at one and dinner at eight. It is 
optional whether they come to luncheon or not, but 
obligatory on them to appear at dinner. 

This settled, the hostess is not obliged to appear 
until she pleases. In England she often does not come 
down until luncheon. She sometimes disappears for 
nearly the whole day. But she is always at dinner, and 
her guests feel her influence in their comfort, and the 
pleasant privilege of being allowed to order a pony 
phaeton, perhaps, and to drive about with freedom, 
enjoying themselves in their own way. 

An American hostess ignorant of the traditions of 
good breeding once made the mistake of leaving her 
house, after she had invited her house-party, and stay- 
ing away over-night, thinking she was showing Eng- 
lish freedom. This was a terrible piece of igno- 
rance ; for although an English hostess may go off to 
her charity-schools and her duties, even go to break- 
fast with a friend, she is always the guiding spirit of 
the house-party — never absent from dinner, and rarely 
failing at luncheon or afternoon tea. Especially is she 



464 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES. 

at the latter ; for, indeed, the afternoon tea — often 
served out of doors — is the favorite rallying-point of 
English women. 

The hunters come home to it, the lawn-tennis dis- 
bands for it, the riders dismount and take tea in their 
habits, while the " stay-at-homes " appear in sweeping 
tea-gowns. It is a delightful picture, often interrupt- 
ed by the dinner dressing-bell too soon for the person 
who is enjoying it. 

Now, in this country, where there is " a sudden 
making of splendid names," owing to the frequent 
surprise of a great fortune, people do not know each 
other very well, and often make mistakes as to rela- 
tionship and former occupation. A bright and witty 
woman, near New York, hit upon a scheme of en- 
lightening her guests which, had it not been frus- 
trated by a practical joker, would have been of great 
service. She invited the daughter of a rich shoe- 
man, the son of a pork-packer, the heir to a patent 
medicine, and the wife of a dry-goods dealer to meet 
a number of old aristocrats at her beautiful place on 
Long Island, She also invited a very flourishing par- 
venue, who wished to know everybody and all their 
relations, who everybody was, etc. 

The hostess ingeniously wrote on cards these par- 
ticulars, informing Mr. Drumgoole that he must not 
refer to shoes to Miss Heel-and-toe ; she told Mr. 
Cure-all not to speak of the shop of Short-profits to 
the latter's wife; and she elaborately described to Mrs. 
Arrivee who all the people were — their sisters and 
their cousins and their aunts — with some not too flat- 
tering allusions to their tempers, oddities, and disrepu- 



NOT ASKED A SECOND TIME. 465 

table relations. A not too scrupulous practical joker 
of a cousin changed all the cards, and allowed every- 
body to read their own biographies on these well- 
meant cards. Tableau ! 

Did each learn the identity and personality of some- 
body else ? No. They learned their own ; and each 
descended, pale and furious, to the dinner-table. That 
party broke up next day, repeating the wisdom of 
Burns's lines, 

"Oh, wad some power the giftie gie us 
To see oursels as ithers see us !" 

We do not wish to do so. However, a house-party, 
well managed, is very agreeable. It gives people an 
opportunity to get acquainted. It is, when well se- 
lected and congenial, the most refreshing way of 
being entertained. A good talker, a good musician 
who does not bang on the piano too much, are very 
great additions. The hostess who has tact and a 
genius for entertaining and good servants can make 
a company very happy for a few days. 

But mere society women who are wearied soon, 
who only visit to be admired themselves, are hard 
guests to entertain. 

Cranks and notoriety-seekers are very troublesome 
visitors. Ill-bred people, who come before they are 
asked and will not go away when their visit is ended, 
these are to be — not asked a second time. 

The house-party is a great breeder of scandal, and 
if a gentleman is too attentive to a lady it soon be- 
comes noticed. These are its evils. 

Unfortunately the ignorance and lack of social cult- 



466 MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES. 

ure of some of our so-called leaders of society has not 
yet taught them the lesson, which the Greeks sought 
to express when they put in their entrance-halls the 
statue of Silence, with her finger on her lip — 

"A gesture, which silently says, Silence." 

We may yet organize in our fashionable circles (as 
we have just outside of them) a force of noble women 
who will know how to give house-parties where slander 
is unknown, which shall be gay without questionable 
fashions, which shall be intellectual treats, and where 
a usefully benign exercise of hospitality shall not lead 
to the propagation of slanderous attacks on character. 

The juste milieu between propriety and a gay and 
liberal view of life — that is the question. 

The great drawback on the giving of house-parties 
in our country is the always -growing uncertainty 
as to servants. In the chapter called "The House 
with Many Servants," I have tried to help young and 
rich women to organize a service which would enable 
them to give house-parties. But how can one con- 
tend with a strike ? How can one prevent the butler, 
who may be a politician, from going off on a mission 
to nominate the member of Congress ? He may feel 
that he is more necessary at a primary than at a din- 
ner-party. The lady who lives in the country and 
who describes herself as running a servants' omnibus 
to the nearest station, must answer this question for 
herself — whether the game is worth the candle, and 
whether that moment of agony which she has ex- 
perienced when she has seen the cook, in flaunting 
attire, walking off just as the twelfth guest has ar- 



UNCONGENIAL SOULS. 467 

rived is ever paid for by any amount of pleasure 
afterwards. 

Many charming homes all over our land have, how- 
ever, settled the domestic question for themselves ; 
many hostesses can, even in the United States, keep 
servants over a week ; and many are so well pro- 
vided with all that can make a guest comfortable and 
happy, that we have only to suggest a few things to 
the guest. 

Never fail to arrive and leave at the very moment 
signified in your invitation. 

Never fail to observe, to its remotest degree, the 
laws and customs of the house. 

Nor should a gentleman who is a guest forget his 
attentions to his hostess, among which should be the 
note written after he leaves her house, and the call 
when she comes to the city where he lives. 

If there is an elderly person who hates draughts 
and loves warmth, endure to be roasted to the bone 
rather than ask to have a window open. Some one 
has said, " All visiting is slavery ;" do what we will, 
we cannot avoid these differences as to temperature. 
a I will live in an ice-house when I get home," said a 
visitor at a too hot house-party ; " I will sit near a 
gas-stove all summer," said another, who had been 
frozen ; and " I will never pay another visit if they 
put a gas-stove in my room," said a third, who had 
been asphyxiated by a too ardent lover of comfort. 

It is impossible to please everybody. 

And then comes in the question of uncongenial 
souls. 

" Why did you ask me to meet Mrs. Soureby Cream- 



468 MANNERS AND SOCtAL USAGES. 

ley? You know I cannot endure her," says one indis- 
creet visitor to Mrs. Trembly. There is unfortunately 
a clique that seeks self-display ; there is great worship 
of wealth ; there is a tendency to imperious self-asser- 
tion ; there is a leaning to frivolity and gossip in all 
the " smart " sets all over this growing country, which 
must impair any attempt at this sort of sociable enter- 
tainment, if, at the same time, the hostess wishes also 
to invite people of intelligence, experience, and broad 
outlook, with high purpose and inspiration. The two 
kinds cannot amalgamate easily. 

But the American woman has conquered every- 
thing — she will conquer this. Women who have 
"done their own work," who have gone down on 
their knees and scrubbed the marbles of the front 
hall, may be called on to rise and receive a princess, 
may be called on to give a house-party in a magnif- 
icent dwelling which the husband has earned the 
right to call his and her home. 

She will do it well. She will carry the same simplic- 
ity, the same self-respect, into the new home which 
made the first little, modest tenement so happy. No 
doubt she w T ill in time. 

She may have to learn a few rules. But did she 
not have to learn how to make good bread ? and that 
was far more difficult than to learn how to give a 
house-party. Learn, however, to do it in the best 
way, but do not attempt it and fail. 

THE END. 



l.fcMr'08 



